DH says DS is too clingy and we need to ‘fix’ it but I think it’s normal

[Goleftorgoright]

Have had a pretty stressful day. Took DS 2.5 to a Christmas market with DH and the in laws. All was okay till we went to a cafe. Bit of background. It was pissing it down with rain. We didn’t take DS’s pram as DH thought we’d try an outing without it. DS wasn’t interested in the market stalls. He wanted to stay with me but wander around. I feel this is perfectly normal. I didn’t expect to be able to look round stalls. We just went to do something Christmassy. DS liked the music and the rides and just enjoyed wandering about.

I was fine but DH found it stressful as DS wanted to stay with me and no one else. The stress bit for me came when we went to a cafe. DS was tired and whingey by this point. We ordered DS something to eat and the adults had coffees/cake.

Knowing DS was tired I didn’t mind DS sitting on my knee in the cafe, I was of the mindset of doing whatever was easiest for him to get his lunch and us to get home for his nap with minimum fuss. I wasn’t fussed about eating my cake straight away as I knew DS would want the cake over his lunch. I was happy to sit with DS with his books while he ate his lunch and I drank my coffee and share the cake with DS after.

My in laws and DH with good intentions tried to help. FIL cutting up DS food to feed it to him. MIL trying to get DS to sit on the chair between us instead of my knee, asking if I wanted MIL and DH to swap seats so DH could help DS with his lunch and I could eat my cake.

Of course DS started to scream/cry when these things were tried as he was happy sitting with me and wanted to eat certain bits of food first but FIL was giving him other bits. I had to say over and over that I was fine and DS was fine as he was.

Afterwards DH has sais he is frustrated as DS wants me all the time and I didn’t need to be a martyr and we need to do something about DS being so clingy to me.

I’ll admit, I do find it suffocating sometimes but I have been telling myself it is just normal toddler behaviour and he will grow out of it. I don’t know how you are supposed to ‘fix’ this. I felt fine in the cafe. I just wanted a quick lunch stop with as little drama as possible and all the fussing made it harder.

I’m trying to understand DH’s viewpoint, DS loves DH but if we are both there I am the one he wants most. If he is tired he wants me to put him to bed over DH or me to go in if he wakes in the night but it’s not like I can’t go out for a night out. I just go and DH does the bedtime. DS might have a whinge but then he is fine. I think DH feels that if he didn’t want me so much we could share things out. It does mean that when the three of us are home he does more of the other things in the house but when DS is out I get bits done so it isn’t like I don’t do any housework. It is probably evenly split but DH cooks more and I do the bed time/bathtime more.

Has anyone had a similar issue? Should we be doing things differently? Interested to hear other views as I feel it is normal for a toddler

Absolutely totally normal for 2.5 year old to be attached to one parent, and it is often Mum at that age. My DS was exactly the same… despite my husband being an absolutely lovely Dad, pulling his weight etc etc.. it is just the way it is sometimes. The tables turned a few years later - DS really wanted to be with his Dad… fine by me! And now… he’s 21, away at uni, and phones us both equally. Your DH must try not to be upset or jealous, DS will not be attached to you forever, swings and roundabouts and all that - he’s just v little. X

Some of the comments here are mad. Totally normal toddler behaviour and nearly al mums experience this. He'll grow out of it.

Sorry but it’s basic child psychology. I studied it for my job and have had 3 of my own.

Having a strong attachment to your primary caregiver is perfectly normal and goes without saying. But a confident/secure toddler should be happy to be comforted & looked after by other trusted family members.

Wow thanks everyone for the comments, I’ve read them all, I think my settings are off as I haven’t had any notifications it was only when I clicked on my thread I realised there were lots of comments

So to put a bit more context/answer questions

Leaving the pram was DH’s idea, he’s said a few times he wanted to give it a go. I thought it was a bad idea but thought let’s just give it a go and he will realise DS is too little still and he won’t want to do it again, and DH realised 😊I didn’t even have to bring it up, he said it himself

I wasn’t stressed today till later on in the cafe, and the reason was because DS was quite happy sitting with his books on my knee picking at his lunch. I do find my in laws can be interfering but I also know it is always well intentioned. It was lovely they were thinking of me but I was honestly fine and I knew that with DS being tired at that point in the day, exactly what would keep DS happy and what wouldn’t and they were insisting and it was creating an issue when there wasn’t one

DS actually behaved really well today. It was DH on the way home who said to me he found the whole outing stressful and difficult and mentioned the not needing to be a martyr comment and that he is worried DS is too clingy to me. Apart from getting dead frustrated at 3 people trying to interfere when everything was fine, I had a good day. His comment took me by surprise a bit.

DS has a good bond with DH. DH and I work 4 days so each get a day to ourselves with DS. At weekends usually DS will ask DH to go downstairs for breakfast and I often have a lie in. DH takes him out places. But given the choice, if I’m around DS does tend to prefer me. DS also has a good bond with both sets of grandparents and stays over one night and a day a week with each and we have no issues.

I didn’t have any expectations of today, there were a few activities for children so I knew I could peel off and go and have a look at those with him and leave my DH and his parents to wander and did a few times

I can’t remember who said it but it was a comment along the lines of blow me down a 2.5 year old didn’t like the market. I did have a chuckle at your comment. I do agree with you. And actually I didn’t really expect DS to like the market but thought he would enjoy exploring a bit and he actually did so that was a bonus. But I was honestly happy to go along, play it by ear and let him wander about. We do have a backpack and he loves it as he can have a bit more freedom

DH does his share of looking after DS. It is more that when DS is tired, his preference is to come to me. He will play with his toys at home on his own and isn’t shy around strangers. I guess the best way to explain it is if I am there he will choose me. But if I am not there, he is perfectly happy with DH. I don’t have any issues with going out to see friends/going to appointments etc.

DS will sit on his own in cafes/restaurants and doesn’t always have to sit on my knee, but today in the cafe we had been out for a few hours and I knew he was tiredso it was definitely time to get something to eat and head off

Hope that adds a bit more context

Sounds normal. At least it was for us (especially when tired). A few more months and it was a big turning point and DS was much happier with other people being involved in his care too. DP did start doing more stuff solo though so that may have pushed things along. Either way, 3 is a much easier age to switch things up than 2.5!

Emphasis on "trusted" there, surely?

The father of this child displayed a concerning lack of self-awareness and common sense here.

He was upset at his interfering parents (maybe he remembered a childhood of dealing with their fussing) and he took that out on his wife with his "martyrdom" comment, using both the OP and the child as handy targets for his own uncomfortable feelings.

He's clearly not used to checking his own feelings, identifying their source, and dealing with them himself as opposed to externalising. Small children can sense moods - they have some primal senses, and they gravitate toward people they trust.

Not when a visit to one noisy, crowded place is followed by a visit to another noisy, crowded place.

There is no need whatsoever to tax a small child's resources like that, especially without a buggy.

@mathanxiety has it exactly. OP tells us she is happy to potter around with the toddler at the market, happy to wait and share her cake, happy to let the toddler eat how he wants. But OP's DH and parents sound stressed and a bit petulant. I know who I'd sit with.

Wonder if DH wanted to illustrate what a great dad he is to his own mum and dad, and felt a bit disappointed? He needs to put the actual tiny child first though.