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Original poster

Ex left for a minor

82 replies

Itsthelittlethingz · 18/11/2023 09:24

Hi all I posted a last month to say my/children's father who is 31 left to start a relationship with a 15 yo girl.
The girl reached out to me to tell me about the relationship and told me she 'cried to him to stop seeing our children' to which he did.

I contacted the police, who are apparently investigating however she is now 16 and is 'in love with him' so I don't think there it is a legal matter anymore. - just morally wrong.

His mum has now wrote me a letter pleading with me to see my children as their dad has now moved out of her home and moved in to his girlfriend's family home. They are now engaged in less than a year. She's 16 he is 31.

His mum has said she didn't get the chance to explain to me that - the girl has severe mental health problems (which I have reason to believe) but that the girl also has borderline personality disorder? and is a compulsive liar.

I noticed how she once again didn't say anything about her adult son.

If you were in my position would you stop all contact with his side or allow the children contact with their nan as they do love her. TIA

OP posts:
Wowzel · 18/11/2023 09:26

I'd let them see their nan, they love her and they aren't pawns.

Reugny · 18/11/2023 09:28

Huh?

Ignore his mother.

If his mother wants to see her grandchildren then she can do so when her son brings them to see her.

Stay away from your ex and keep your children away. There is something serious wrong with him. And his mother brought him up.

savoycabbage · 18/11/2023 09:30

So he is not seeing his children but his mother wants to see them? He 'can't' facilitate this as he's not seeing them.

I'd see her out of the house, like at a park or out for a meal. I'd tell her that at the moment you and the children don't want to hear about their dad. And I'd see how it goes after one visit.

I wouldn't allow her to justify his behaviour to you.

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15 year olds 16 year olds Families General parenting
MiddleagedBeachbum · 18/11/2023 09:32

Yes I’d allow her contact, not alone, for the children's sake

Blueeyedmale · 18/11/2023 09:35

Definitely keep your children away from this vile man, he started a relationship with a child with mental health problems says all you need to know about him

Notjustfish · 18/11/2023 09:40

I think this is good advice. If Grandma mentions her son to the kids I would give her a warning that if she mentions him them you will leave and follow through if she does.

Notjustfish · 18/11/2023 09:41

Notjustfish · 18/11/2023 09:40

I think this is good advice. If Grandma mentions her son to the kids I would give her a warning that if she mentions him them you will leave and follow through if she does.

Sorry I thought I hate quoted @savoycabbage in my reply.

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 18/11/2023 09:44

Yes I've stopped contact with dad (our children are 6) but his mum has pleaded me to see them as 'she loves and misses them' she sent me a letter after the news came out about this situation. Which I appreciate as he has just ghosted without any explanation. I found out through his GF. I haven't reply to the letter as I'm speechless as to what to say in regards to the nature of what has happened. I tried to write but couldn't find the word to articulate my disgust. She thinks I hate her but I don't. I have the feelings somewhere in between hurt and needing to take 10,000 showers but as someone said above i don't want to talk about him or the girl I don't want updates of their relationship or her mental health status it's none of my business. I just see him as a dirty creep I can't see past that. And I don't know how to put that in a respectable manner

OP posts:
Wonderously · 18/11/2023 09:47

If she’s nice I’d meet up with her out of the house. I’d do it for the kids who will appreciate having a granny. You can ask her not to talk about her son if it’s going to upset you

HoppingPavlova · 18/11/2023 09:49

…as their dad has now moved out of her home and moved in to his girlfriend's family home. They are now engaged in less than a year. She's 16 he is 31

What sort of parents allow the 31yo guy who dated their 15yo daughter to move in, less than a year later when the girl is 16yo. I am seriously baffled!

Singleandproud · 18/11/2023 09:49

If you let the children see her you need to meet her first without them to get stuff of your chest and layout expectations and ground rules otherwise the conversation is bound to go there when the children are with you.

The young girl is not at fault, she is a vulnerable victim here so try and avoid any anger towards her. Your ex on the other hand is a complete creep and I would be avoiding and postponing any contact between him and the children for as long as possible. A grown man who finds a 15 year old child sexually attractive is not one I would want around my children

Singleandproud · 18/11/2023 09:51

@HoppingPavlova the type of parents who sexually exploit their own child - it's disgusting but it does happen. I'm sure the girls mental health challenges didn't come from nowhere with parents that are willing to let a grown man move in with them.

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 18/11/2023 09:51

Thank you so much, do you think I should say I would need to be there (for example a play centre) I know it sounds silly but I feel a bit uncomfortable saying that. Maybe because prior to this she's been in their lives since babies

OP posts:
Blueeyedmale · 18/11/2023 09:51

Itsthelittlethingz · 18/11/2023 09:44

Yes I've stopped contact with dad (our children are 6) but his mum has pleaded me to see them as 'she loves and misses them' she sent me a letter after the news came out about this situation. Which I appreciate as he has just ghosted without any explanation. I found out through his GF. I haven't reply to the letter as I'm speechless as to what to say in regards to the nature of what has happened. I tried to write but couldn't find the word to articulate my disgust. She thinks I hate her but I don't. I have the feelings somewhere in between hurt and needing to take 10,000 showers but as someone said above i don't want to talk about him or the girl I don't want updates of their relationship or her mental health status it's none of my business. I just see him as a dirty creep I can't see past that. And I don't know how to put that in a respectable manner

You don't have to put it in a respectable manner beacuse there is absolutely nothing respectable about a grown man starting a relationship with a child it's vile and predatory behaviour

Wonderously · 18/11/2023 09:54

Maybe you could tell the girl that you don’t hold anything against her, it’s your ex who has dropped his partner and young children for a vulnerable minor. Ask her please not to contact you again as you are moving on with your life.

cheezncrackers · 18/11/2023 09:55

I wouldn't have a problem meeting up with the grandma on safe neutral territory e.g. play centre, farm park, walk in the woods, etc. I would make it clear to her though that you don't want to talk about your ex or his new partner. I don't think you have to hide your disgust - he's a paedo.

savoycabbage · 18/11/2023 09:55

^Dear Jane,

the children would love to see you, you are their grandma and they miss you. Lucy has got her ten metres badge at swimming and she can't wait to tell you about it.^ (Focus will be on the children- not the dad)

As I'm sure you can imagine the children are upset about what has happened and I think it's best at the moment if we don't talk to them about their dad until they are ready. (You could add some guff here about the school think...... if you think she will agree with the school)

Are you free on Tuesday after school to come with us to such and such cafe as the children l love the milkshakes there.

I think you need to get it over to her that your life and the lives of the children are not revolving around the dad and you are not crying into your soup about him.

Make a list of things the children can tell their grandma about. Prep them before you go. 'You must tell grandma about the story you wrote about lions'. Take a little game for emergencies.

See her after school and then go home.

Wonderously · 18/11/2023 09:55

Start off in the play centre and then just follow your instincts about where to meet next time. Do what you’re comfortable with. Is she nice to you?

LakeTiticaca · 18/11/2023 09:56

Tbf his mum is probably horrified and embarrassed about what her son is doing. He is an adult and it's not her fault.
The kids love her, she loves their kids. At least give them the stability of a loving relationship with her .
They've already lost their dad(twat that he is)

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 18/11/2023 10:00

I know it is utterly disgusting I am absolutely mortified my emotions have been on a rollercoaster I've expressed my feelings on the situation to his mum in a way that I am not proud of. The only issue I have with the mum is how I feel that she is never fully holding him accountable I noticed in the letter she talked on and on about the girl. But not about her son's mental health... as surely he can't be well....?

Anyway I've reached a point where I don't not want to talk about him or her. I get that she is a victim I TOTALLY get that but in hindsight I don't think she was contacting me for 'help' which I thought she was... but more so to ensure I and the children were 'staying away from her boyfriend' once she had confirmed that she ran back to him and even moved him in.

I find it baffling that the GFs mum has allowed him to move in. Is that not child exploitation. The girl definitely has mental health problems and maybe her mum finds it easier for someone else to look after her. I'm completely unsure but it all sounds extremely vulnerable and I just don't want anything to do with it as my life is on a completely different path to all of what has happening to him.

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 18/11/2023 10:01

savoycabbage · 18/11/2023 09:55

^Dear Jane,

the children would love to see you, you are their grandma and they miss you. Lucy has got her ten metres badge at swimming and she can't wait to tell you about it.^ (Focus will be on the children- not the dad)

As I'm sure you can imagine the children are upset about what has happened and I think it's best at the moment if we don't talk to them about their dad until they are ready. (You could add some guff here about the school think...... if you think she will agree with the school)

Are you free on Tuesday after school to come with us to such and such cafe as the children l love the milkshakes there.

I think you need to get it over to her that your life and the lives of the children are not revolving around the dad and you are not crying into your soup about him.

Make a list of things the children can tell their grandma about. Prep them before you go. 'You must tell grandma about the story you wrote about lions'. Take a little game for emergencies.

See her after school and then go home.

OP doesn’t need you to draft a note for her! Why do MNers do this, it’s bizarre.

OP let your children see their grandmother. Go somewhere neutral. No father chat or appearances at all.

MissMarplesNiece · 18/11/2023 10:01

When my DF had an affair, my DM cut off all contact with my DF's family. My siblings & me never saw my grandma again - we'd seen her at least once a week until then - nor did we see my dad's DSis and my cousins who I loved to spend time with. I think it was incredibly cruel of my DM, I still feel anger about it now, 50 years later.

And just incase anyone wonders why my DF didn't take us to see my grandma, my DM wouldn't let him. There was complete parental alienation and we weren't allowed to have anything to do with DF. Attempts by my grandma to see us were rejected and birthday & Christmas presents were returned unopened. I was old enough at the time to notice these things. I have tears in my eyes now thinking about it.

Original poster
Itsthelittlethingz · 18/11/2023 10:04

savoycabbage · 18/11/2023 09:55

^Dear Jane,

the children would love to see you, you are their grandma and they miss you. Lucy has got her ten metres badge at swimming and she can't wait to tell you about it.^ (Focus will be on the children- not the dad)

As I'm sure you can imagine the children are upset about what has happened and I think it's best at the moment if we don't talk to them about their dad until they are ready. (You could add some guff here about the school think...... if you think she will agree with the school)

Are you free on Tuesday after school to come with us to such and such cafe as the children l love the milkshakes there.

I think you need to get it over to her that your life and the lives of the children are not revolving around the dad and you are not crying into your soup about him.

Make a list of things the children can tell their grandma about. Prep them before you go. 'You must tell grandma about the story you wrote about lions'. Take a little game for emergencies.

See her after school and then go home.

Thank you so much! When you're in the position you can't find the words and the way that you would act in a logical manner. I am always trying to think of the children and remove the emotions out of it. I am really looking forward to us moving forward without him. Life can only get better without dead weight. I'm glad he has shown his true colour I feel so sorry for the girlfriend but I just want to focus on moving forward

OP posts:
savoycabbage · 18/11/2023 10:05

OP doesn’t need you to draft a note for her! Why do MNers do this, it’s bizarre.

Grin In my (weak) defence she did say she didn't know how to put it to her!

Notjustfish · 18/11/2023 10:06

HoppingPavlova · 18/11/2023 09:49

…as their dad has now moved out of her home and moved in to his girlfriend's family home. They are now engaged in less than a year. She's 16 he is 31

What sort of parents allow the 31yo guy who dated their 15yo daughter to move in, less than a year later when the girl is 16yo. I am seriously baffled!

When your girl is being groomed it can be very difficult to stop. Once she is 16 the police won’t remove her from his home. The teenage board sometimes have posters in this situation asking for help.

I’ve seen it myself when I was teaching. Some times the parent is a situation themselves and struggling to parent but sometimes it’s not and really good parents struggling in this situation. There is very little support out there.

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