Ex left for a minor

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all I posted a last month to say my/children's father who is 31 left to start a relationship with a 15 yo girl.
The girl reached out to me to tell me about the relationship and told me she 'cried to him to stop seeing our children' to which he did.

I contacted the police, who are apparently investigating however she is now 16 and is 'in love with him' so I don't think there it is a legal matter anymore. - just morally wrong.

His mum has now wrote me a letter pleading with me to see my children as their dad has now moved out of her home and moved in to his girlfriend's family home. They are now engaged in less than a year. She's 16 he is 31.

His mum has said she didn't get the chance to explain to me that - the girl has severe mental health problems (which I have reason to believe) but that the girl also has borderline personality disorder? and is a compulsive liar.

I noticed how she once again didn't say anything about her adult son.

If you were in my position would you stop all contact with his side or allow the children contact with their nan as they do love her. TIA

I do not think she has won at all. I wish I could save that baby. Wow I just about came out that relationship alive and I'm grown, he is extremely abusive mentally and emotionally. I tried to tell her but she couldn't or didn't want to comprehend (I don't want to patronise her) what she is about to endure. Because you can only understand it when you've been through it. When I say she thinks she has won I genuinely believe her intent was to keep me away as she feels threatened about him being around me she told me he talks about me non stop etc. and she told him to stop seeing our children 'but she can change that if I wanted her to' - which I found bizarre but she is a child and I don't think I knew better at 16. obviously I had a duty of care and I told the police everything I know.

@Itsthelittlethingz I didn't realise his mum lied for him and to you. That would change things for me. She was complicit.

I’m not sure, the op said he hates his mother, the mother may not have known, or been lied to herself. Or simply struggled to accept what was happening due to the shame.

You’re not the OP, and the OP found it helpful.

I think op it really depends on her ability to be appropriate around the kids, to talk appropriately and to recognise that she can't act as fill in for her son so he can avoid making any effort with his own kids. I disagree with those blaming her, mothers aren't always and completely responsible for the behaviour of their grown up sons. The son is responsible for that himself.

I'd give it a go but I'd talk to her on the phone first and agree some boundaries. If she is reasonable that might be a relief to her. I'd say that for now you're happy for her to come with you to soft play or the park etc so she can spend time with the kids as they miss her, but you don't want any mention of their dad and what's happening because its upsetting for the kids and you don't want the kids hearing anything about it that they might not be old enough to fully understand and you will deal with their questions directly as they get older. I'd also say for now you don't want her taking them by herself because you don't want him thinking he can call in and see them when they are with her and you're worried that might end up putting her in a very difficult position. Then op you can review that depending on how things are going at the meet ups. If she's inappropriate in any way, you can then refer back to the boundaries you agreed on, clarify that she over stepped and then you can easily pull back.

Your kids have had a lot of change and there's more coming for them as they get older and understand what actually happened. I'd be trying to keep as many positive relationships around them as you can so they don't lose any more than they have to.

I completely disagree with that.

Their father's actions should be explained to the children in stages and an age appropriate way so that when they do know about it it's because they've been told in a calm, appropriate way by someone they can trust, rather than having "Your Dad shags children" thrown at them by another child who has overheard their parents gossiping.

Sorry I meant the girl HATES his mum.
And the girl is giving the mum heart problems.

The dad disappeared. The mum stepped up. the mum knew about it but when the children would ask questions she would say he doesn't live here any more and I don't speak to him. She told me her and her son were not talking.

The girl was trolling me online sending me abusive messages for a long time. I didn't know who would have such a motive other than him or his GF. So I asked his mum do you know this person - sent screenshots of GF profile.

She said no.

Only when the GF came forward as herself and apologised for trolling me did she tell me all- where he has been, her age etc And her contempt towards the nan and that the nan has not been honest with me.

That is when the nan text me begging me not to stop contact with the children and telling me about the situation with the girl, the nan was clear in telling me that he has done nothing illegal (I don't believe her)

Then she wrote me a letter to my address about the girls MH problems and that her son has moved out

Re the dcs asking about their dad
Id be truthful about what’s going on, in an age appropriate way. They know already anyway (see your ds comment). But they might struggle to process it.
In which case, what would help is counselling for them.
And agreeing with grandma what you will tell the dcs so they hear one story rather than 2 different ones. That’s only possible if she has your and your dcs’ back though.
Do you think you now have tte full picture of what has been going on in the middle of all the lies (from everyone it seems)?

The girl did tell me 'there was a time when she wasn't allowed outside the house and people where not allowed to visit her'

That is when she met him but she wouldn't elaborate as she 'didn't want local authorities involved'

It was very bizarre and shocking as I didn't expect any of this. But I do think she was sectioned or something

Sorry Xpost with your last post. Please ignore what I said.

I thought it was really good actually. A calm, collected way of getting the point across.

Sometimes someone on the outside can be more rational about what's effectively a complete shitshow.

Yes I think he has left us for the child. The nan has been disgusted but hasn't told me through shame etc. I don't think she has been intentionally malicious. In a way I feel the same I can't talk about it to anyone I know cause it's shameful that your children's dad can be such a creep. It's her son and she loves him so it's probably been difficult for her to process it, as it has for me

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having to cope with shock, disgust, sadness and having to hold it together for your family.

It's important to sort it all out into different points.

He's a hebephile / ephebophile (see article).

You don't want him near your children.

This girl, whatever you may understandably feel about her and her parents, is his victim.

Write down everything you know and can remember about the fact that he began a sexual relationship with a mentally ill adolescent, and abandoned you and his children. This may help when contesting access / custody attempts.

Find out everything about your child support rights and go for what your children are entitled to.

His mother is their grandmother - there's a sad post here from someone whose mother cut off all contact with father's family and she feels sad about that to this day.

She will be grieving the potential loss of beloved grandchildren, and if they have a great relationship it would be a shame to end that.

Yes, she brought him up. There is that.

She will - hopefully - be apalled by what he's done, but he's her son and she will be possibly minimising and excusing him, so be careful what kind of messaging the children night be getting.

You'll want to be wary and probably only allow supervised access, maybe in a neutral public space.

All the best to you and your family.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/hebephilia

Someone I know has a very special relationship with her ex mother in law.

When she divorced the son the mil reached out and said that as far as she was concerned the relationship between her son and her were totally different things and she still wanted to be there for her and the grandchild as before

She looked after grandson twice a week when mum worked
She still saw them at Christmas
When the mum went onto have another child (short term relationship dad no involvement) ex mil looked after that child two days a week as well and as far as she is concerned that child is her granddaughter

It can work if you can separate the relationship between your son and his family

Don't be ridiculous. It isn't bizarre. Some people find it helpful for someone else to articulate what they cannot put into words.

Let Nan see her grandchildren at yours where you have control over what they do.

Do this for a while and seen how it goes. Not only is it unfair to punish her for his misdeeds but she may be appalled at his behaviour. If she's acting on his behalf she'll try to quckly leave with them when she should be building bridges with you. Your excuse is that it's cold dark and wet outside.

Take your sweet time. Grandparents have no legal rights. It's completely up to you.

Grandmothers are so precious. As she has always been there for your children and they love her, I think she should be able to see them. Of course with your supervision and blessing.

Do you know how they met? I've probably misread but I get the impression it may have been in some official capacity - is he perhaps a teacher, healthcare person or somehow in a position of authority?

If yes, this would make him a safeguarding danger to other children.

I get the impression your own childhood may have been difficult - have you any support from parents, siblings, etc?

I am so sorry for everything that you and your children have been through. Their grandmother didn't have an affair with a 15 year old. It would be a shame for them to lose contact with one half of their family due to your ex's actions. I know it will be hard for you and you should absolutely ensure that conversations are kept to appropriate subjects.

Unless there's reasons not to I would keep the relationship with your ex mil, she shouldn't be cut off due to her son's appalling behaviour, and children benefit from more loving adults in their lives. I would initially meet her out, park or soft play perhaps then progress to her coming to you, you to hers then potentially dropping them off, it may be very beneficial for you remember as a single parent with a ex not in children's lives

My dd's ex was violent and after one particularly unpleasant incident disappeared from her life but his mother is a wonderful grandmother. At first my dd was nervous that she would instigate contact with her son and visits were supervised. But it has been worth it

Because the resulting messages are typically twee as fuck and full of head tilty phrases that no one would actually use.

In this instance the OP found it useful which I acknowledged if you read the full thread.

Because the resulting messages are typically twee as fuck and full of head tilty phrases that no one would actually use.

But all you did was parrot the same advice she had already repeatedly been given.

OP I think a lot of the advice you are getting (including my earlier post) was before the further information about the gran's complicity.... she authorised a holiday for the two of them????

Also that your ex is not only a child predator, but a convicted armed robber and abusive in other ways....

This all would sway things for me towards making a clean break from the whole family. I think the gran has already shown that she will make awful judgements (be complicit with abuse, and lie to you) so you should not trust her. ☹️

I read it as the girl's mother green lighted the trip abroad not the MIL. I don't think his mother would have the authority to say it's ok for him to holiday with a minor. It would have to come from the girls parental guardians.