DP has ended things but I want my baby, just how hard will this be?

[doesitgetbetterr]

It’s non negotiable for me to have our baby, I’m already 18 weeks. He has left me saying he’s not ready to be a dad and he was wrong to think he was. He’s 37!! I feel totally betrayed. The last thing he said was if I continue the pregnancy that’s my choice and he will pay what he has to but ‘can’t be a dad.’

I know I want my baby but I’m scared. How hard will this be on my own? I have zero family support practically although my mum has kindly gifted me 2k towards all baby bits which has taken off some stress. I have my own small home with a mortgage. Obviously DP has moved out. Sometimes I think what am I doing? I read on here how hard parents find it on their own. Is the first year going to be hardest? How can I best prepare for life in this situation? I expect my chances of meeting anyone new are small at 36 with a baby so I’m planning on life just me for the foreseeable. It feels so daunting.

My first baby was a few months when we split and l found it wonderful just being on our own. I could give all my time , love and energy to her. I met with friends with or without children. Luckily l did have my family too.
I then did it again 8 years later with my second. Yes l had an eight year old and new daughter but l cherished that too. We were a little unit. We are a very close knit still.

Thank you. My main worry is not having a father figure for them. Will that be worse for a boy or a girl, I don’t know? I don’t know any single parent families or lone parents even though I know there are lots of them. I wish I knew some personally. I feel worried about what I will say to people, will everyone think I’m some evil woman whose partner left her pregnant? I feel shame and anger and I’m so confused too. He’s not even asked how I am the last three weeks… true to his word he wants nothing to do with our baby.

You can do this!
In one way it's good that he's been honest and told you now, rather than you thinking everything's fine and he begrudgingly trundles along for a while being an absolutely shit dad, making you feel really frustrated because he's not pulling his weight.
Now he's told you that he doesn't want the baby and is not going to be involved you can plan accordingly.

I feel worried about what I will say to people, will everyone think I’m some evil woman whose partner left her pregnant?

What a weird idea, OP.

You have enough practical problems to deal with without including inventing "what will people think" problems.

As for a father figure, cross that bridge when you come to it. Personally I think that your ex will at some point want to know his child but, if he does not, that will be his loss. You could well meet someone else.

I think father figures are often not the father.

My DD's father is really not a role model of manhood. She has male friends of mine and her uncles and her Grandfather to show her what a good man is.

Any man who leaves his 18wk old pregnant partner because 'he's not ready', is not a good father figure anyway, so he's no loss.

You can do this. Don't give yourself extra worries like this one.

A father figure doesn't have to be biological father or a person playing dad or even a man.

My parents were together but my dad was away for months at time from the ages of 5 to 12. During that time he was a father figure but so was my grandad, great grandad, uncle and times my mum too. I was taught by all how to love and how to be loved. I was taught DIY skills and how to use tools. I was taught not to be fragile and to throw myself at anything.
Donating half a cell of humanness is not the definition of father figure.

I raised my DD on my own. It was a breeze compared to some of the crap my friends had with partners! She's very well balanced and happy now (12). Role model wise fathers aren't the only male role models, I was lucky as my DD has a lovely DGF/DU and now my wonderful DP of 3 years.

This is appaling behaviour from him. Try to give yourself a certain amount of time per day to "live" the panic then shut it down.

Focus on love for your baby, and on the fact that you can and will create a sweet happy life for you both.

You have a home - so many women don't - you are well ahead.

You have hormones - they kick in when the baby is born and they help.

Your newborn needs almost nothing - milk, a sling carrier, nappies, clothes.

A nice reserve of cooked, nutritious meals in your freezer will be a godsent, you can start that now.

On Facebook, the GP, library, pre natal yoga etc look for a group of expectant single mums - they exist.

You need to build an infrastructure - take it step by step.

The shame is his.

We did not have a father figure - he died when I was an infant.

We are all fine.

There are as many ways to live a life as there are to people op. Broad sweeps if ideas can help you figure it out but you bring your own self to the process.

People that might judge are not your people.

Are you unclear on abortion laws?

You’ll be fine, that maternity pay is great compared to some. Look into what benefits you might be entitled to for childcare. And please please please, don’t waste money buying all new baby stuff! There’s loads of good quality furniture, buggies, clothes etc on facebook marketplace!

You will not be the first woman to raise a baby on her own and you won't be the last. You can do this! It is better to find out now that he is going to flake so you can prepare to have this baby on your own rather than expecting him to be there for you and he leaves anyway (which he would have done).

In terms of cost, you can make £2k go a long way. You really don't need to get anything brand new apart from a mattress and car seat. Babies grow out of stuff so quickly it is a waste of money (this is from someone that bought everything new and now feel really silly for doing so and now only get things on Vinted). Check out prams and beds on local Facebook or Next Door and you can get decent bundles of baby clothes on Vinted for barely anything. You will only need to get the bare minimum of clothing until after baby is born as people go crazy with buying baby clothes as gifts - I didn't need to buy any until 9 months!

With new childcare funding coming along, this will also make it easier for you to return to work.

You can do this!

Thanks, I’m just overthinking everything I think. Keep thinking way ahead of my child asking where their father is etc when obviously that’s not a problem for now at all!!

Its hard not to overthink it. I never ever imagined being in this situation but then again I suppose nobody does. I took DP at face value when he said we wanted the same things in life, it’s almost like I was in a relationship with someone who wasn’t real.

I will focus more on practicalities for now. I think I will try and take a year maternity leave but it will depend how finances are I suppose.

Have your baby, get as much support from family/friends as you can.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - if asked, you can simply say, he left when I was pregnant because he changed his mind about being a dad.

Fuck him. What a useless weasel. You can manage alone.

You can do it op!

I managed at 18, had a lovely DD, she's now 15 and we have a close bond.

I met DH when she was 7, took it very slowly and now have 2 more lovely children. Ex on the other hand, lonely and regrets leaving, dont they all!

My advice would be to enjoy the early days, they go by so fast, get lots of cuddles in and enjoy your baby.

What a bastard to leave you at a time like this.
I do think he is acting in haste & will regret his decision if not soon, or years down the line, but you will have met someone else who deserves both you & your child by then, so, it sucks to be him.
You sound like your in a stable place.
From my experience men don't bring much to the party when a baby is concerned anyway. I'm not sure if that's because I wanted to do almost everything anyway, but motherly instinct kicks in & you just get on with it.
I'm not going to sprinkle it in fairy dust because it is hard going, but I'd like to think that you will be just fine. Plus it gets easier once they start becoming a little more independent at each stage. I really do wish you well & hope you're ok.

No she doesn't - only if there's serious risk to the health of the baby or mother

If in the UK the limit on abortion is 24 weeks. After this point it would be on medical grounds only.

I’m a solo parent OP - it is hard but if you want this baby you will manage it. I will write more later but re family support, is there anyone who can help out sometimes - is your mum far away? Friends can also be a good support network.

The first year is the most daunting probably because it’s all new but I’d say 2/3 is the toughest age - at least it was for me (we’re only at four though so there’s still plenty of time 😂). I do think it depends on your child and also your own personality though.

Massive virtual hugs to you - you honestly will be fine, you’ll have an amazing and really close bond with your child and they will bring you so much joy, the tiredness/stress will all be worth it.

No they won’t think that and if some do that says more about them than anything else.

You may find people quite nosy when pregnant - I did get a lot of questions and ended up quite practiced at shutting them down) but honestly since giving birth no one has asked.

I worried about the father figure too esp as I have a boy, but male relatives help there. And they find male role models in life, too.

Plus not all father figures are good ones!

I had two under two on my own. Gave birth totally alone. Done it all on my own and now they've started nursery and doing really well 🙂
Honestly, it's so much easier than having a piece of shit deadbeat weighing you down.

You'll get your own little routine for just the two of you but in the meantime here's some practical tips:

If formula feeling I found the ready made bottles a lifesaver at first
Tommee tippee perfect prep machine
Batch cook some easy meals for the freezer every week or so so you've got a freezer full ready for after you've given birth
Eufy robot vacuum
Stock up on nappies /formula/wipes creams so that you don't find yourself running short
Go easy on yourself
Dry shampoo!!
Don't make lots of plans and expect too much. The first few weeks it's eat sleep and repeat.
Online food shops

Honestly, don't stress yourself. You'll do this 🫡

tbh @doesitgetbetterr many partnered up mums are de facto single mums because a lot of men are twats. you'll be fine. it will be tough... but you won't be alone, you'll have baby♡

You need to think about housing, money and support. Housing is sorted - sounds like you have a job that allows you to keep paying the mortgage.

Money is do-able - your maternity pay is good. Your ex should pay something, and get onto a benefits website and check everything you might possibly be eligible for. You'll get child benefit unless your salary is over £50k (and if you're on mat leave I think you can claim it for that year if your income on mat leave puts you under that threshold). Talk to work and think hard about practical options. Is it actually cheaper and easier to reduce your working week to eg 3 days if it means you aren't paying for nursery fees two days a week? Can you call on any support from family in terms of childcare? Remember that when the baby is older you'll qualify for the 30 free childcare hours and it might be worth reducing hours now and increasing them when that happens. Look into tax-free childcare allowances etc/whatever it was that replaced childcare vouchers. It all helps a little bit. Do some good strong budgeting to see if you can reduce costs anywhere at the moment.

Support - friends, family and social networks. Think about who you have in your life and don't be afraid to call on them just now. You're about to go through a massive change and good friends and family will want to be there for you. When the baby is here do try to get out and meet people with babies - even if money is tight the park or walking is always free. Friends you make with similar-aged kids can be a godsend throughout the long haul of parenting for a bit of mutual emotional and practical support.

So he was on board with TTC and then changed his mind and took off?

Re childcare; you might want to ponder some unconventional solutions. Like, find another lone parent and combine households, try to work different shifts so one is always available for child care. Or determine whether it's cheaper to have a live-in nanny vs nursery. Or au pair, though I think their hours are limited.

Is your work normally 8-5 on weekdays?

You might even ponder becoming a child minder yourself; that way you can be home with your child but earning income at the same time. Or get a lodger to add an income stream.