DP has ended things but I want my baby, just how hard will this be?

[doesitgetbetterr]

It’s non negotiable for me to have our baby, I’m already 18 weeks. He has left me saying he’s not ready to be a dad and he was wrong to think he was. He’s 37!! I feel totally betrayed. The last thing he said was if I continue the pregnancy that’s my choice and he will pay what he has to but ‘can’t be a dad.’

I know I want my baby but I’m scared. How hard will this be on my own? I have zero family support practically although my mum has kindly gifted me 2k towards all baby bits which has taken off some stress. I have my own small home with a mortgage. Obviously DP has moved out. Sometimes I think what am I doing? I read on here how hard parents find it on their own. Is the first year going to be hardest? How can I best prepare for life in this situation? I expect my chances of meeting anyone new are small at 36 with a baby so I’m planning on life just me for the foreseeable. It feels so daunting.

If he didn't want to be a father, he should have taken steps to prevent himself getting you pregnant. He's a knob. You'll be fine, OP, and much better off in the long run without him.

It will be much easier doing it alone than with a useless man. You've got this x

I'm a single parent of twins after ex husband decided two babies was too hard - honestly you are stronger and more capable than you know - you can do this x

Your mum sounds generous giving 2k. Hopefully she might support you more than you think as hopefully she will want to spend time with her grandchild. I’m so sorry your partner has let you down like this. You will be able to cope and in time you will probably meet someone else.

I was a teenager, homeless and with no support and I managed.
If I can do it then you definitely can!

The biggest issues are money and support.

It sounds like you have lots of money and a secure home which is great!

The main struggle you will have is support.
But nowadays there is so much more support available.

Things like MN are a god send and my advice would be to be as sociable as possible and join in baby groups and online forums, to make friends and potentially find other mums in similar circumstances.
You can then support each other.

What job do you do?

I would save as much of that £2k as possible and use it for things like a cleaner once a week or even a nanny/babysitter.

But take things one step at a time and we will be here to support you through it all.

You'll be fine. You sound like you have a wonderful DM, your baby already has 2 wonderful women who love them.
It's tough being a single parent but it's tougher parenting with a useless prick getting in the way.

You'll not recover from terminating a much wanted pregnancy so just don't. You're not young enough to take your fertility as a given now, so unless you're comfortable to terminate knowing you may not have more opportunities to have a baby, don't even entertain the thought.

Please don't be daft with the money you've been given, baby doesn't need a single thing from new, marketplace and vinted are all you need quite honestly until baby is early teens.

You're going to thrive. If you're having a DD inbox me and I'll send you some baby clothes if you would like? X

My husband more or less left when our baby was a few days old.

She's 3 now and she's the love of my life, we have so much fun together. Of course some days are long and hard and you'll unlock levels of tired you didn't know existed. But there'll also be days where everything goes perfectly and you'll think 'oh my god, we're really thriving!'. It'll all be worth it and, on balance, I wouldn't want to do it any other way.

You're going to be great. Honestly. You can do it.

The first month or so can be tricky as you recover from the birth and adapt to new routines. Can you stay with your mum for a while? I started off life with baby no 1 having had zero sleep for 2 nights and a baby who hated sleep! It took ages to feel normal again whereas if I'd had someone around for the first week or so . . .

You'll do an amazing job op. We adapt to these kind of situations. It's hard on your own (I did it with my first) but never impossible.

Please don't write yourself off either, you'd be surprised how many good men are out there who would feel lucky to have you, despite all the low lives you hear about on here.

One word of advice, he's really telling you who he is right now. If he comes crawling back once he realises what he's done be very cautious. I took mine back simply to have to divorce many years later because he never was a good partner.

Toddler groups were an amazing source of advice and support for me.

How can you possibly know that? It certainly wasn't for me, but I'm not about to tell OP that it won't be for her.
Projection isn't advice.

If you don’t already own one my advice would be to use some of that money to buy a big chest freezer and cook lots and lots of individually portioned meals that you can just whack in the microwave when baby is here. I also echo the advice to get out to every cheap/free church based baby group to make some friends who can hopefully help you out down the line.

I think telling you it’ll be ‘easy’ or ‘magical’ will set you up for failure. I think the first 6 months will be very difficult, but it definitely will get easier as time goes on.

Completely echo everyone else. New stuff for babies is madness. Apart from car seat get everything second hand.

You will be fine. Mothers do the vast majority of the work anyway, and quiet often all men do us get in the way, moaning about how boring it is, no sex, crying baby etc. Great that you have your own place. Look to connect with other mums locally, you don't want to be isolated. Good luck!

I raised my two children by myself no help no child care no nothing.
It was hard at times but i got on with it best thing ive ever done.
They're now adults and im so proud of them and proud of myself.
You can do it and dont let anyone say you cant.
I stayed single after my last was born i took all the stigma from people i turned down CM payments.
As back then i thought you dont want to be part of our childrens life we dont want or need your pitty money.
Im not saying any it was all fun We had hard days but so worth it i think it would have been harder if the dad stayed.
I never stopped him from being a dad he just didnt want to be one.
i got one threat of court from his mum i told her to go do it.
The baby is 20 now still waiting for the court papers lol.

What an absolute fuckwit your ex is. I’m sorry he’s turned out to be so useless. If you’re sure you want to go ahead with the pregnancy, and you want the best for your baby, do not ever give him another chance. He’s shown you who he is and you’d be wise never yo forget that he’s the type of man who bails when push comes to shove. You don’t need instability like that in your life and your baby certainly doesn’t.
If you’re smart, that £2k will get you everything you need and more in terms of baby items. Buy secondhand, Vinted and Facebook marketplace, and you’ll save a fortune.
Once baby is here and you’re up and about, go to free (or v cheap) baby groups whenever you can. It’ll get you out and about and help you meet other mothers, hopefully some in the same boat as you.
Don’t be scared to lean on your mother for support but don’t take her for granted. She sounds as though she’s supportive already, which is great. Also Mumsnet is great when it’s 3am and baby won’t sleep and you just need a small distraction, in any way it comes.
Best of luck with everything.

I never found being a single mum hard at all and I had very little help with family, I’m married now and do find it more difficult to have someone doing things differently to how I did 😂

You’re going to be fine, you’re going to be tired but you’re gonna be fine don’t even worry about it, you’re going to find your routine that works and it is gonna be a better one than if he was there being flakey, you know where you stand now.

You and your baby are going to be fine.

Ah you'll do fine! Congratulations!
I fell pregnant early in my relationship and worked out how much I would need if the relationship didn't work out. I then put money away eaxh month.

This is a good site https://www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/becoming-a-parent/baby-costs-calculator

Keep watching Facebook market Place and eBay etc, lots of people sell on baby bits. I got a car seat for £25, £200 new. Bootfairs are also amazing for picking stuff up cheap. Babies need clean things, not necessarily Ralph Lauren and gender specific items.

Your baby won't be out of baby grows for three months so don't waste on new born outfits!

I got lots of knitted cardigans from charity shops, as well as other baby bits. Plus people donate (dump on you!) their old bits.

Join baby bump groups now, and if you can afford it, NCT. NCT group was invaluable for sharing unused nappies etc.

My relationship worked out, we are now married. But I was frugal to be careful just in case.

Wishing you the best of luck!

To be fair, there are many of us mums out there who have essentially raised their children alone, even with having a DP! I know I did - my ex DP was utterly useless, I did everything for the kids, weekends I was on my own every weekend with them as he was out all the time. He was like an overgrown child. When I got rid of him, it was like going from having 3 kids to 2 - much easier too to be fair!!!!

You’ve got this.

You’ve said your mum can’t help so if there’s really no one who can be a regular help in your first 6 weeks or so, I would massively recommend getting an experienced post-natal doula to come and help for a few hours a day. Mine came and put the baby in the sling while she cooked me nourishing food, maybe did some laundry, and I slept. She was a huge emotional support too. Have a look at the doula uk website and meet a few people to see who you gel with. Work out your budget and even if it’s just 4-5 hours a day, 3 times a week it will keep you sane

Being a single mother will be much easier than having a dead weight ‘partner’. There are so many posts on mn about fathers not pulling their weight, hogging money and putting themselves first above their children. Better on your own than dealing with that.

Honestly I’d be thinking about not putting his name on the birth certificate at all. You don’t need him to weigh you down when it comes to parental decisions. If he changes his mind about having a relationship with the baby in the future, he can do that on your terms.

You can do this! It’s your decision and you don’t need him.

Ps if you’re not used to paying for help it will seem like a lot of money (I don’t know what your finances are) but I believe evangelically that new mothers need real, solid, practical support and that this is indispensable to keep them mentally strong .

JUst what does your exDP expect you to do at 18 weeks pregnant??? the baby is going to be born whether he wants it or not!! He is just being an arsehole!!! you will cope because you sound mature enough. it will be difficult on your own at first but you will get into a routine and he will be the loser. Chase him through the courts for maintenance. the major items you will need can always be bought off facebay very cheaply. a baby does not care if they are in a brand new pram! good luck xx

Pps Home Start is an organisation that helps parents with children under 5 so have a look at their website now and get in touch if you do end up struggling

I reiterate don't buy new. Look on Market Place and you'll find amazing bargains. Newborns grow so quickly that they wear each outfit 2 or 3 times. Your Mum has been generous. He'll have to pay child maintenance once the baby is born. Ask if he'll give you money from a transport system before the baby is born. Don't let him have any input on your baby's name or to be on the birth certificate because that gives him some rights. Give the baby your surname. It will be hard for first 3-5 months but when hour baby smiles at you about 6 weeks it makes every sleepless night worth it. Once baby is born join in with Mum and baby groups and make friends with other Mums. You'll be fine.