DP has ended things but I want my baby, just how hard will this be?

[doesitgetbetterr]

It’s non negotiable for me to have our baby, I’m already 18 weeks. He has left me saying he’s not ready to be a dad and he was wrong to think he was. He’s 37!! I feel totally betrayed. The last thing he said was if I continue the pregnancy that’s my choice and he will pay what he has to but ‘can’t be a dad.’

I know I want my baby but I’m scared. How hard will this be on my own? I have zero family support practically although my mum has kindly gifted me 2k towards all baby bits which has taken off some stress. I have my own small home with a mortgage. Obviously DP has moved out. Sometimes I think what am I doing? I read on here how hard parents find it on their own. Is the first year going to be hardest? How can I best prepare for life in this situation? I expect my chances of meeting anyone new are small at 36 with a baby so I’m planning on life just me for the foreseeable. It feels so daunting.

OP, are you a person who finds it easier to cope if you've sorted out practicalities? I am, though I know not everyone is.

If you are such a person, and you haven't already done it, start doing the sums and researching.

If you know how much your ex partner earns, work out how much he will have to give you - CMS calculator is here https://www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Check your maternity pay entitlement and what date you have to go back to work.

See whether you would be entitled to any in-work benefits using a site like
https://www.entitledto.co.uk/

Research childcare options and costs in your area. Your local council website should have some information to start you off. If you can arrange a place for the date you're likely to go back to work, that's a head start.

As others have said, look for baby groups you can go to while on maternity leave.

And again as others have said, use your mother's gift sparingly and buy second-hand where possible.

You:ve got a job and a house, you're a capable person. You will get through the hard bits, I'd bet my own house on it.

Being on your own and knowing that you have to rely on yourself will be so much easier than believing you have someone with you who isn’t with you.

My mum managed without family support (overseas), honestly you’ll surprise yourself how far you’ve come this time next year. You can do this.

Many women raise children on their own within relationships so at least you don't have the addition of an added weight.

Also it can be awful to hand babies over to 50/50 shared custody so your unlikely to put the baby and yourself through that.

First weeks are tough and amazing in equal measure but soon over. Plan ahead. Take each day as it comes. Be kind to yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Stay away from social media of insta mums (a real link there to low self esteem and poor mental health I know from working in perinatal mental health). Sleep when you can.

I was left when I was pregnant and have managed! It is hard but you will love your baby so much! Find a really good nursery for when you go back to work, I used a childminder for a bit but if they are unwell or their own kids are unwell they will have to close for the day which can leave you in the lurch. Don’t spend the full 2K your mum has given you on baby things, you can get loads of decent 2nd hand stuff. Work out your finances and take things as they come. Enjoy your maternity leave and don’t let your ex bring you down.

I think it'll be tricky financially but that you'll muddle through. For example, you could rent out the spare room, and have the baby with you. In terms of support, he's left this a bit late, and I think you should try to get him to pay towards childcare as well as child support, because you are likely going to need to work eventually.

And get any agreement in legal form whilst he is still feeling like an utter bastard.

Ok you are 18 weeks pregnant and you want this baby, so you can do it.

practically speaking - you already own a house, so you are in a much stronger position than many woman. Look at what you’d be entitled to benefit wise, and what child support you could expect from him. I’d price up childcare in your area ASAP. It sounds like your mum isn’t able to physically support but at least might be a good emotional support.

be careful if he changes his mind and moves back in, he’s likely to go again. (Ie don’t give the baby his surname, don’t make any decisions about work based around him paying anything above the bare minimum child support he can get away with/him doing some drop offs/pick up for childcare)

A friend in this position went interest only on her mortgage until her dc started school and childcare costs dropped, worth looking into, not sure if that would be an option.

You can do this.

You need to check your employers maternity policy and work out what you'll get

And look at what childcare is available locally and when you need to get on waiting lists. Because, as sole adult in the household, much depends on your earnings and it's quite likely you won't be able to afford the unpaid later weeks of maternity leave, and may need to shorten the period at lower rate.

Everything else will seem much more manageable once you've got your income sorted out.

So many helpful replies thank you huge amounts! I feel terrified but have looked at some practicalities…. Maternity policy is 5 months full pay and one month half pay, then I think statutory for another 3?

Im mostly worried about childcare costs, they will take out a third of my income, leaving me with 400 to live off for food and petrol after mortgage and bills!! I would have no back up savings other than this 2k. It will be very tight.

I feel so scared but know not having our baby is not an option. Feel very very overwhelmed.

Don't buy anything. If you think you need to try to find it for free on freecycle or freegle or thrift pages if you can't look second hand.
It might be harder to be a single parent compared to the fantasy perfect two person nuclear family but that doesn't really exist for many people. From the single mums I know their life photo easier when their unsupportive and other halves left.
Don't be shy or afraid to reach out for help and support. Make eye contact and smile at someone every day. The early months can be hard and lonely when you live with someone. This was one way I stayed grounded and felt more connected with the outside world
Use the money wisely. We kept a spreadsheet for newborn costs and it helped to keep focused and not spend to much. For £1000 we bought everything she needed for the first year. Including cloth nappies and a pram that retailed at £800 bought for £100. A new travel cot at the time was £40 and we got one for £7.
I couldn't have got through the first weeks and months without online food shops. As I was at home all day I did the 3h Flexi slots and once she got bigger I signed up for a mid week slot thing. With Sainsbury's it's £4 a month and you get free 1h slots Tues-thurs. It was about the same price I was paying for the Flexi shops a month.
My great great great grandmother was a single parent in the 1800s my great granddad spoke so fonely of her and she sounded like a very strong and determined lady. I have found her on census records and it's clear she takes in other single mothers when they are in need of help and support. I think this is true to day as well. There is nearly always someone nearby that will help if they can

It is hard, but if you hunker down and accept that it'll be all baby for the first year or so, it'll be fine. I was a single parent and I have a wonderful relationship with my now teenage dd.

@wildwestpioneer after a year does it ease up a bit? I feel so worried about getting things wrong!

I was also dumped while pregnant.

It's much better being single mum than with a useless man. And you have a long time to prepare!

Financially - you can use the mortgage charter to reduce your mortgage payments if you need to. Can you get a lodger in for at least a couple of months now to build up some savings? If you don't have a lot of savings or decent maternity pay you'll get some universal credit.

Practically- would you be able to move in with your mum for a few weeks post birth? Or would she come to you? This is the time you need help the most. I did this and it was amazing. If you can't, can you ask your friends if they could book some time off (a few days each) to help (I would do if my friend was in your situation) or if you save up enough can you book a maternity nurse for the first 3 weeks or so while you find your feet and recover from the birth? This is what I would have done if I didn't have my parents helping me.

You can still have an amazing maternity leave months or year with your baby. I am loving mine- I do all the mum coffees and baby groups etc. it's amazing.

Take each day as it comes. Don't over think what's happening with your ex for now. He might come round later keep the door open. His family might also offer you help

I agree and chances are when he’s lonely and horny he will come crawling back.

They usually become crawling back once you start getting your life back on track and doing well.

But he will leave you again and it will be 10x harder than it is now.
Or you will spend your whole relationship resenting him for leaving and you won’t be truly happy until he’s gone.

Another thing that hasn’t been mentioned - his family. Be very careful, things may well go a bit crazy if his family find out he’s dumped his pregnant partner.

don’t slag him off to them, but also treat any offers from them with a pinch of salt, you might get offers of help (financially or practical) but then might disappear once hes asked them to take sides /gets a new girlfriend.

Go onto Entitled.to website and put in your salary etc and childcare costs as if the baby is already here. It will show you if you get any help towards the childcare bill.

Yes it does. I said to myself I’d not do anything other than baby related stuff in the first year and was surprised at how much I was able to do. The sleepless nights are hard, but you just get on with it, and it’s not forever.

it’s nice not having to take someone else’s thoughts into consideration and parenting as YOU see fit.

It is much easier to be a solo parent than so many of the thousands of bad relationships you read about on here.

Just whatever you do don't let him put his name on the birth certificate. He can then control and abuse you forever.

Give the baby your surname.

Let him go. Don't bend over to make a reluctant manchild a parent. You will harm your dc in the long run with lots of let downs.

Best to have a stable solo parent household.

No dc needs a bad dad which is what he is.

I was in this situation and I am still single 8 years later. If there is a positive side to him leaving at this point it is that you have time to plan. The biggest things are finances , your working patterns and childcare. Once you have all of these things organised things become a little easier.

It is a big challenge on your own so look at how much you will have to work / flexible / compressed days etc. check what benefits you are entitled to. Check using CMS calculator what he will have to pay.

I managed completely solo from about this point and we are fine, my child is absolutely thriving and they have no interest at all in their absent father.

Look for some parenting groups to try and build a network for when you have your baby. I found these groups got me through the really challenging points in the first year.

Good luck and enjoy your lovely baby when they arrive

What a terrible person! Sorry op. Join NCT pour all your energy and attention into your new baby, make a lovely home for them. Go to playgroups as soon as possible and join gingerbread for single mums. You don’t have to do it alone! I am sure you have friends and family but don’t expect too much- sometimes it’s good to be around people who are at the same life stage as you and like talking about babies!

Main problems with babies

1. don’t sleep for six months so you will feel tired
2. feeding/weaning is long and tiring but ok
3. teething means they will fuss 6mo-2years
4. finding time to do anything else
5. losing your sense of self and having to deal with money/work

basic solutions

1. doze when you can, relax your standards and see it as a marathon
2. while you feed sing, talk, read or watch tv if you can. Start feeding them 5/6 months small amounts of purée food. Don’t give in and buy them chocolate you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of tantrums at the shop.
3. stay calm, you are teaching them and moulding them. Feel free to think “fucks saaaaake” but out loud tell them it’s ok and you love them. The more you talk to them at this age, the faster they will learn to speak. Resist the temptation to give them your phone- sing to them instead. Recent advice says no screens until 2 years. Also don’t get bored and scroll tiktok too often.
4. get a sling. If your baby can hear your heartbeat they will feel calmer. Do the washing up with baby on your back. When they get 3-6 months do not leave on sofa or bed as they will roll off and give you a fright
5. get childcare before birth. Look now. Get to know and trust them. This is vital. Look at hybrid working if possible.

Re 2k- obviously pram/car seat etc, mat, changing table and bags, steriliser and bottles, cot, bouncer, toys, clothes. Babies vomit alot so cheap and cheerful for the first year as they will outgrow things really quickly.

Don't forget that aside from your salary you will have other money coming in eg

• Child support payments from the father. Do not let him get away with paying less than the CSA minimum- if you know his salary you can run the calculations through their website. Any signs of him messing you around over this, make a claim through the csa, you might want to remind him he'll have to pay extra if you do this (they add a charge to the claim).
• child benefit
• any other benefits you are entitled to. Check the entitled to website.
• free hours for childcare will kick in after a while so whilst the first year or 2 might be tight, it gets much easier later on.
• your annual leave continues to accrue during MAT leave so you can use that at the end of your MAT leave for some extra paid time off if you want. Or use a day or 2 a week to return 'part time' for a while.

Also your maternity package looks great do you have time to maybe save a bit before you go down to half pay and statutory?

You can do this!

I forgot “the urge”. You will feel an almost irresistible urge to create a “perfect family” for your baby. You will feel pain when you are happy couples or loving dads playing with their kids. This urge might cause you to either think about getting back with your ex or meeting someone new. Although I am certain you wil meet someone new and have more kids if you want, know that the urge passes and that you are already everything that baby wants and needs. You are complete. Don’t spend a second feeling jealous of happy families or missing what you don’t have- make your own family the happy family everyone wants to have.

I forgot “the urge”. You will feel an almost irresistible urge to create a “perfect family” for your baby. You will feel pain when you are happy couples or loving dads playing with their kids. This urge might cause you to either think about getting back with your ex or meeting someone new

Didn't get that urge myself.

I was a single mother and loved it. Being a mother isn't easy and your life will never be the same again, but it is well worth it.

Take advantage of his professed lack of interest and don't put him on the birth cert; you will have a lot more freedom of movement that way. If he changes his mind and wants to play a part in your little one's life, you can permit and encourage it, just knowing that if he is toxic to your child, you can call a halt.

It really won't be magical but it will be character building x

@Coyoacan I am glad. It’s a pointless, wasted emotion that achieves nothing.