DC Father asking for more overnights.

[RoundTheBendThenBackAgain]

Looking for sone advice on what is appropriate contact, as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. My son is 19 months old. Ex and I broke up during pregnancy. At present, he takes him every second weekend, Saturday morning at 9am and drops him off to the childminders on a Monday morning. This has been the case for around 6 months. Also sees him every second Wednesday afternoon for 4-5 hours. Father lives in a different city, just over an hours drive from where we live.

Ex is now wanting to collect him from the childminders on a Friday and keep him all weekend till he drops him off on a Monday morning. This would be 4 full days that my son would be away from me, as I drop him off to the childminders at just before 9am on the Friday to get to work and collect him around 5pm on a Monday, after work.

Son is currently speech delayed and I am going to ask my Health Visitor for a referral to our local child development centre as a few things are making me think that he could have ASD. No particular behavioural issues or anything, we have been advised to keep to a routine by speech and language and also the HV. I'm not sure if this matters to the situation, just giving background.

Ex is good with our child, plays games, reads books, takes him swimming, feeds and dresses him appropriately etc. I have no concerns about his parenting other than one or two things that I highlighted and he has now fixed.

My concern is that 4 full days at a time away from his primary care giver (me) is too much. I'm happy with the current level of contact. I think 4 full days away is too much for a 19 month old.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I be looking to facilitate an increase in contact?

I think you are. He is a good father and your child will get used to the new routine. He wouldn’t be unreasonable to ask for 50%.

To be honest I think it’s fine and it sounds more that you will find it hard than your DC will. He would certainly get this if he decided to go down the court route.
Assuming on a Friday you collect him at 5pm and he goes to bed at an earlyish time it’s only a few hours that he is not seeing you and he’s used to being with his dad and settled with him.

Realistically it isnt different to him being at a childminders , ot won't affect his development. Every other weekend is a normal contact arrangement

Seems like a natural progression to what will likely be 50/50. He could ask for 50/50 now. Court system does not give a flying xxxx about anything other than 50/50.

You might get a written agreement about where this is going from the ex?

The thing is, I'm not sure if 50/50 would ever be considered seeing as he lives in a different city? As my son gets older, he'll have more ties to the area ie he'll start making little friends, be invited to Saturday morning birthday parties, very often children have Saturday/Sunday clubs ie football. This would be much more difficult if he's in a different city every other weekend. I think the distance is a factor in my thinking as well.

It does sound reasonabl- it's not significantly more time- just the Friday evening, when he already goes Saturday morning. You'll have people tell you it's bad for the child- but if he is happy there, I don't think it necessarily is. I also had a very young child that had to go between two homes, and I think those without experience of that can not understand it- how could you let your child be away from you, I could never do that, all the usual. If your son is happy with it, I would do it.

And given that when he's older he may naturally start going less due to weekend commitments- then having time together now will surely only be positive for their relationship in the longer run.

So you won’t get any weekends with your kid?

It looks OP would continue to have every other weekend with their son.

Courts won’t care about birthday parties or clubs. It’s about maintaining the relationship between parent and child.

Thank you for all the advice so far. It's just so hard, I still see him as my baby even though he's 19 months. I do want to do what is best for my child though.

Does anyone know if the distance would be a factor (different city, around 1 hour 10 mins drive) if he decided to go for 50/50 through the courts?

The court wouldn't care at all about my child being able to pursue hobbies/meeting up with friends outside of the childminders and as he gets older, school? This was a normal and enjoyable part of growing up for me, dance class on a Saturday morning, sleepovers with friends, going to classmates birthday parties etc.

Many adults commute an hour so no the courts will not see that as a reason to deny custody. I don’t know who moved away but it seems dad is willing to do the drive. Custody can change of the years but it isn’t denied now due to potential future activities.

We'll both have every other weekend.

No, because your son’s right to have a full relationship with his father is the priority. This is always going to be an issue when one parent moves away from the other and is difficult to resolve.

I’m sorry but his proposal sounds fine, you both get a full weekend with your child. If he’s a loving father this should be the norm

My main issue is that he gets lots of fun parenting and you get more of the grunt work.

It's also very different from him being at a childminder, when he goes there you see him morning and evening and put him to bed.

I think it's too much at this age.

You’re being unreasonable. The child isn’t just yours. You and your ex left each other. Neither of you left the child. He has as much right as you, and you’ve no rational reason to say no. He’s asking for one extra night. That’s it. It would be great if he went for 50/50. Your child would have a full and complete relationship with both parents.

Why do you think hobbies and birthday parties would be an issue? Has his dad told you he won’t do any travelling during his weekend if his son wants to go to someone’s party or has a favourite club when he is older? You’re not even giving him a chance, and you’re making up issues which won’t happen for a few years and may not even be an issue at all as dad may travel for things if necessary. However, kids from split households often miss the occasional thing or miss their clubs sometimes; it’s fine.

I co-parent with my ex. Since the kids were a toddler and a newborn. He doesn’t drive and lives an hour away; he still manages to get the kids to places for their clubs if it falls on his weekend, or we swap weekends around or we all just go together and I do the driving. It works best when you all the chill the fuck out, work together as a team, and care about the kids interests rather than your own. We make it work really well by being relaxed, give and take and actually looking out for each other and the kids. When I’m struggling and he can see I need a break, he steps up and does more. When he is struggling and need a a break, I step up and do more. It’s five and take, but it won’t work if one of both of you decides to be obstructive.

You’re not exes anymore. You’re co-parents. That’s how you need to look at each other.

You had a child with this person their rights don't just just disappear because you come up with reasons the child can't go to the other parent

You don't own your child

And here’s me wishing my ex would have our children overnight 😒

Doing it from this young age is best. For you too! Take advantage of your free time ime. Be refreshed for when dc gets home. He won't be a gorgeous 19 month old before long. Handing over a nightmare toddler /pre teen /teen will see you smiling on the inside...

See that's my thinking. When I get him up in the morning, we have breakfast, we read a book etc. When we get home at night we'll do stuff as well. I'm not getting that if he's taking him on a Friday. I know it's not about me. But still.

I do see the other posters points as well though. I also want what's best for my son. It's just feels too much at 19 months old.

I beg your pardon? No where did I say that his fathers rights disappear. I've always been happy to facilitate contact between them and have never been obstructive in that. This however is different as I'm not sure if 4 full days away from my son will be too unsettling for him.

Your post was rude and there was no need for it. I hope that being so rude to someone who is struggling to know what is best for their child and having a hard time made you feel better.

You don’t need it on that Friday. You have every other night, every week and you have every second weekend to do all those things with your son.
Dad gets a couple of nights every second week. Don’t you think he wants to do those things with his son?

Youre just wrong here. And it will be your child who pays, especially as a boy, if he doesn’t form a close bond with a stable male role model. His dad is there, is willing and wants to. You haven’t said anything to indicate he is bad at parenting or dangerous. So why would you block this?

You don’t own your kid. Your kid wants two parents and contact with both as much as is possible. Why stop that?

How about a compromise?

Dd's dad has her Friday evening to Sunday 6pm.