DC Father asking for more overnights.

[RoundTheBendThenBackAgain]

Looking for sone advice on what is appropriate contact, as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. My son is 19 months old. Ex and I broke up during pregnancy. At present, he takes him every second weekend, Saturday morning at 9am and drops him off to the childminders on a Monday morning. This has been the case for around 6 months. Also sees him every second Wednesday afternoon for 4-5 hours. Father lives in a different city, just over an hours drive from where we live.

Ex is now wanting to collect him from the childminders on a Friday and keep him all weekend till he drops him off on a Monday morning. This would be 4 full days that my son would be away from me, as I drop him off to the childminders at just before 9am on the Friday to get to work and collect him around 5pm on a Monday, after work.

Son is currently speech delayed and I am going to ask my Health Visitor for a referral to our local child development centre as a few things are making me think that he could have ASD. No particular behavioural issues or anything, we have been advised to keep to a routine by speech and language and also the HV. I'm not sure if this matters to the situation, just giving background.

Ex is good with our child, plays games, reads books, takes him swimming, feeds and dresses him appropriately etc. I have no concerns about his parenting other than one or two things that I highlighted and he has now fixed.

My concern is that 4 full days at a time away from his primary care giver (me) is too much. I'm happy with the current level of contact. I think 4 full days away is too much for a 19 month old.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I be looking to facilitate an increase in contact?

I think having both parents hands on involved and trying their best is good for kids. Your ex spending more time with him is good for your son. I know it may be difficult but your sons wellbeing is central to this. It’s hard for any parent to build a close relationship with their child of they only see them every other weekend, especially when they are so young. Making sure that their bond is strong and healthy will do your son so much good.

I don't think saffronsoup had any interest in your comment (or any other comment to be honest), I think they're just an unhappy person who wanted to take their frustrations out behind a keyboard to an anonymous person, to make themselves feel better.

No scheduled video calls at present but this may be something to think about.

I would be led by the child. If he seems happy with this arrangement and enjoys being with his dad then I think this is a really positive thing. Lovely that he's able to build a strong bond with his other parent.

Do you think the courts would say that 50/50 is appropriate for a child who's only lived with mum - is it in child's best interest to go from having one stable home to having to move back and forth between normal home and a new one?

I would absolutely alternate. Maybe do the weekend one week and encourage him to have a day and night the following week.

You don't sound unreasonable and your son is little. At least you are trying to find solutions. Ignore people who go on and on..... you have to wonder why?

I think you perhaps expected to find an echo chamber on here to relent to your pov and are surprised that people are being straight up and telling you that you are still getting a very good deal with your ex's suggestion, and that it's in your child's best interests.

@RoundTheBendThenBackAgain you do what’s right for your child and you! I always write something on here and come back with a different head. My child is 2 and has never had an over night with her dad without me ( we are together but don’t live together) and it drives me mad😂. It can gradually build to a longer period of time every now and then… my partner has his son every other weekend Friday night to Sunday afternoon but lately has increased to two weekends and a weekend off but the son is now asking to stay home more! Things change all the time and you’ll find that too especially as they get older. Good luck and I hope you feel more settled now

I think it does sound reasonable but I totally get where you’re coming from. You don’t have a child and envision not spending all your time with them. I found it got easier to let go once my DC turned 2. Maybe that could be your compromise with your ex. Ask him can it start when DC turns 2? Then you aren’t saying no but that you and DC just need a bit of extra time to adjust.

Having been a single parent for many years (with contested child arrangements for complex reasons), I think Friday pick up to Monday drop off alternate weekends is the easiest and least complex way of organising it. If your DS is coping with the contact he already has and you have no concerns about your ex’s parenting, then it seems reasonable to try to add another night.

Honestly, I know it is difficult with small children when you are the main carer to think about them being away for three nights, but if there are no issues with the child coping or dad parenting well, it’s going to pay off in the long run for your DS to be happy and settled with both parents.

if your ex picked up DS Fridays from the childminder and dropped him back off Monday morning, it would also save your SIL being involved.

I also think the two nights each week sounds more disruptive. You will never have a weekend to yourself to take DS away anywhere or any time to relax over the weekend without planning for DS to go/come back.

As DS gets older, he will benefit from his parents having a positive relationship. Clubs and parties need to be accommodated by both parents, and if you have any concerns about how that will work, it’s something to just discuss and take to mediation if necessary.

I think the best way to look at is, your ex is spending time with your DS and likes it so much he wants to increase the time. As hard as that might be for you, if he's a good father, this can only be a positive thing for your son.

I have a friend who was in a similar situation and her husband left when her son was 6 weeks old.

The father only has sporadic contact now and her son has struggled because of it. Friend doesn't want to restrict the contact but the fact that the father is always cancelling and cutting the time short is causing a lot of upset.

I think if your ex is stable and a good father, the best you can do is encourage a strong and healthy relationship between them and figure out where the compromises need to happen (birthdays/clubs etc) once that is an actual issue.

If your son does have ASD then you can still keep a routine while living between two homes, you'll just need to work with your ex to make the weekly transition as stress free as possible.

With all due respect, you're wrong. I wanted honest opinions on what would be the right thing to do. I was aware that perhaps I couldn't see what would be the right thing to was being so close to the situation and so wanted honest opinions from both sides.

What from my OP and subsequent posts makes you think I wanted an "echo chamber"? And where do I seem "surprised"? In the post where I've thanked a pp for a suggestions that works for both the ex and I and have now arranged an alternative schedule?

Both my ex and I have acted very reasonable throughout this entire situation and we both want what's best for our child. I (as stated in my OP) simply wanted to ensure that I was doing the correct thing for my child.

*I co-parent with my ex. Since the kids were a toddler and a newborn. He doesn’t drive and lives an hour away; he still manages to get the kids to places for their clubs if it falls on his weekend, or we swap weekends around or we all just go together and I do the driving. It works best when you all the chill the fuck out, work together as a team, and care about the kids interests rather than your own. We make it work really well by being relaxed, give and take and actually looking out for each other and the kids. When I’m struggling and he can see I need a break, he steps up and does more. When he is struggling and need a a break, I step up and do more. It’s five and take, but it won’t work if one of both of you decides to be obstructive.

You’re not exes anymore. You’re co-parents. That’s how you need to look at each other.*

this x 1000

I co- parented too. Both of us did whatever we could to make it work for our child and each other. If both parents are involved loving parents, then the best outcome for kids is to have both of them equally in their lives. It’s not about what you want, it’s about the child.

Take the help while you can, as soon as they start attending school your EX having him all weekend may not be fair so start having the conversation now to find something suitable when this happens

I've co-parented for 8 years.my kids go to their dads every weekend and half of all school holidays.
I always thought about what was best for the children and their relationship with their dad rather than what I wanted.

So if dad wanted 50/50 on school nights too would you agree to this?

Op isn't talking at all about what she wants she's wondering what is best for a child

@RoundTheBendThenBackAgain op I totally disagree with all the rude accusations you're getting I'm not sure who these people are as you're clearly committed to giving your child time with his father you're just querying how long the stretches should be away from you which is very sensible and thinking of your child who can't yet understand explanations of what's happening and why and can't
Yet understand timings or calendars or ask questions when worried.

I'm sure it would be better for op to have a whole weekend of childcare so she could have nights out or weekends away or go on dates etc - she is asking about what's best for her SON. A lot of posters don't seem to acknowledge he's young and has communication delays which are definitely a factor. Op perhaps the special needs parenting board might have some helpful ideas for this?

Op this might be derailing somewhat but please can you tell us how you started doing over nights at the exes how did you both help your son settle with the change of routine? I'm thinking ahead to this (I have a much younger baby now)

Seems a perfectly acceptable solution to me, it's not going to affect his development.

As for speech, up to 2 years is considered normal for speech, my dd2 (No neurodiversity ) was actually 2.5 before she could speak, she's a university graduate from a top course and let's just say her job is impressive, her sibling was 4 and has asd but fully verbal, again graduated top university and very gifted. At the age of your son, unless there's another red flag speech would not be a concern

@Unexpectedlysinglemum absolutely. He can't as he works away during the week, so this was the next best thing for the kids.

Thank you. The rude accusations genuinely don't bother me. They're just sad bullies who feel unhappy and inadequate within their own lives so take out their frustrations while hiding behind a keyboard.

In regards to getting my little one ready for overnights. Initially my ex saw him on a Saturday and a Wednesday for 4 hours each time. This went on for a few months. We then did an overnight on a Saturday and kind of assessed how he got on. He seemed unfazed by it so we made it a regular thing, him doing overnights with his dad every other Saturday. We then progressed to 2 nights. My little one has coped with it fine so far.

I'd say it's best to get your little one used to contact from early on. Even a couple of hours every few days at first and just build on that.

I think Friday to Monday every other weekend is reasonable. Maybe do it on a trial basis?

This is a relief to hear. Speech and language have said that his speech is delayed; it's not just his expressive language skills but also the receptive skills. For example, if we were reading by a book and I said "where's the duck", he wouldn't be able to point it out. Or if I said "go get mummy's shoes" again, he wouldn't understand. He doesn't point to things to let me know what he wants or needs and would just cry if he was hungry or thirsty, with me having to imterpret why hes upset. How was your daughters understanding and non verbal communication at around 19 months?

We've agreed to stick to Saturday to Monday every other weekend with an additional weekday overnight following the weekend where he doesn't have our son overnight. So 6 days, like hia father wanted, but more spread out. I think the 4 days in a row are too much for my little one at the moment

I am doing what's best for my son, it isn't about what I want. Although I'd have to draw a line at every weekend, do you only get a few hours after school with them?

That’s great that you were able to reach an agreement about the best way forward.