DC Father asking for more overnights.

[RoundTheBendThenBackAgain]

Looking for sone advice on what is appropriate contact, as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. My son is 19 months old. Ex and I broke up during pregnancy. At present, he takes him every second weekend, Saturday morning at 9am and drops him off to the childminders on a Monday morning. This has been the case for around 6 months. Also sees him every second Wednesday afternoon for 4-5 hours. Father lives in a different city, just over an hours drive from where we live.

Ex is now wanting to collect him from the childminders on a Friday and keep him all weekend till he drops him off on a Monday morning. This would be 4 full days that my son would be away from me, as I drop him off to the childminders at just before 9am on the Friday to get to work and collect him around 5pm on a Monday, after work.

Son is currently speech delayed and I am going to ask my Health Visitor for a referral to our local child development centre as a few things are making me think that he could have ASD. No particular behavioural issues or anything, we have been advised to keep to a routine by speech and language and also the HV. I'm not sure if this matters to the situation, just giving background.

Ex is good with our child, plays games, reads books, takes him swimming, feeds and dresses him appropriately etc. I have no concerns about his parenting other than one or two things that I highlighted and he has now fixed.

My concern is that 4 full days at a time away from his primary care giver (me) is too much. I'm happy with the current level of contact. I think 4 full days away is too much for a 19 month old.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I be looking to facilitate an increase in contact?

I didn't say I would block it. I'm asking for opinions. Nor did I say "I own my son". I've always facilitated contact betwen them, both afternoon contact and the Saturday - Monday contact they've had for the past 6 months. The only time I have ever cancelled contact was twice, both occassions due to my son being unwell. I used to do handover myself however my ex's emotional abuse towards me got too much for me to handle and now my sister in law does handovers.

I have clearly said that I don't know whether it would be unsettling for my son to have 4 full days away from his primary caregiver and am asking opinions on this. Not that I don't want contact to go ahead out of spite or to destroy any kind of relationship between them.

There’s a while before he’s going to be starting clubs etc,
Hes not “away from you” as such, he’s with his father. Maybe his father will move closer when he attends school?

In what way is he abusive?

It always amazes me when women say abusive men are great parents!

I mean how can they be?

The thing is, that's pretty much the same as he has now. 8/9am on a Sat, all day Sunday till Monday morning. But he's now wanting more than this. So I don't think he'd be happ with this.

He already asked for one night. I gave him it. After about 3 months, he asked for an additional night. I gave him it. But this I feel is just too much for a 19 month old, especially one who is currently undergoing speech and language therapy and that I'm trying to build strong routines into ie speech and language gave routines that we should build into his every day life and I'm trying to do that.

It would be less unsettling than the current set up where he’s away from his other parent for far longer.

50/50 can work at the moment as kids can attend 2 different nurseries but once school starts, the distance will become a problem as school would be near one parent and over an hour for the other parent (probably more in rush hour) When parents have 50/50, it's the parent who has more weekday overnights who gets to apply to the schools near them. (I am assuming that you are using state schools) 50/50 also has the advantage of making the transition to holidays abroad easier for ds when the time comes.
Courts would see contact with dad as more important than parties and sleepovers but hopefully your ex will be flexible and allow ds not to miss out.

I don’t get why you keep saying 4 days might be too much time away from his primary caregiver. You are not with him all day Friday, only Friday night. So it just means he won’t see you Friday night for a few hours . But he’s not with a complete stranger , he’s with his dad. I don’t get what your problem is other than the fact you’re going to miss him .

And now suddenly he is abusive when comments don’t go your way? Surely if that was the case it would have been in the op but in your op you say he is a good parent and you have no concerns about his parenting, now he is abusive 🙄

If your son is settled with his dad and he parents well then I can’t see a problem for him to have another night. Dads being involved with their children has real benefits to their development. Does he read bedtime stories etc?

Is he on board with speech and language therapy?

He isn't abusive now as we don't have any contact and haven't for a few months. He was the perfect man for the 12 years that we were together. Then he just seemed to change overnight. We had an argument one day, I can't even remember over what now. We said things were over and I went back to my home city. I thought it was just a massive fight however within 3 days of this, he'd met up with some woman off a dating app ans was sleeping with her. Stupidly on my part, we rekindled however it didn't last long and we broke up again.

But after I had my little one, he used to sneer at my weight gain etc. Tell me our 12 relationship had been rubbish all along. Tell me how boring I was, just pick and pick at my appearance. Sit massaging women off dating apps in front of me. This was having an awful affect on me and I didn't want to be depressed and upset around my son so I put boundaries in place. Any handovers were then done my my SIL and we only communicate via email, unless in an emergency of course where we'd phone.

In regard to his being a good father, he is. I dont know what he'll be like down the line of course, but justnow, he is. He's just not a very nice partner.

What do you mean comments aren't going my way? I don't care what way they go, I asked for honest opinions and have already thanked people for their honest opinions from both sides.

The emotional abuse wasn't in my OP as it had no relevance on the situation, he isn't emotionally abusive towards my child. I simply mentioned it when I explained that I personally faciliatated contact and that it's not me that does handover anymore due to the EA. Otherwise, it doesn't have any relevance to my question.

I'm asking people whether they think it would be disruptive towards my child to have 4 full days away from me. That's my question.

Do you have anything useful to add or are you just here to make yourself feel better or superior by taking an unnecessary pop at someone who has already been clear that she's struggling with all of this?

So you moved away but he does all the travelling?

A child's relationship with a parent is far more important than birthday parties.

50/50 is the natural way to go.

We said things were over and I went back to my home city.
Did you move out of the family home and 1hr away and he's doing all the travelling?

He will make friends at his dad’s house too, and will want to see them.

I know he reads books to him, I'm not sure about bedtime stories. I'm sure he would if I asked him to if he already doesn't.

He doesn't see any need for speech and language therapy, thinks "everything will be ok". He hasn't contributed financially towards SaLT (I've went private as our NHS appointment is quite some time away) however I don't think he has any issues with it. He doesn't tend to ask how it's went but I do send him an email to update him.

I do want him to be involved, as you say, dads have a positive impact and I've always encouraged and faciliatated contact between them. It's just 4 days away from me, I'm not sure if it's too much. A 4 day break to myself every other week would be fabulous, I'd get so much done around the house, could pick up extra shifts at work as I'm currently saving for a mortgage deposit and I'd get a rest, but I'm just concerned it's too much at 19 months.

Almost all of these replies are sorely lacking in a grasp of attachment, child development, and best practice in post-separation agreements for the toddler stage. At 19-months, 3 consecutive nights with the non-primary carer would be outside the scope of best practice. However, an increase in contact is not necessarily inappropriate. I’d be presenting him with some research and recommended plans for the 0-2 age group, and suggesting the alternate Friday night, or a different week night. If he is already having contact on another week might, he could make that a sleepover. If he ever wanted to move to week on-week off (not recommended before early primary), he would need to build in weekday care.

PP’s are also completely uninformed when they say courts do not take into account other aspects of a child’s life such as education, community, and social facets. They won’t at 6, but they will down the track. However, I find it hard to fathom that a young child commuting 2hrs each day would be in their best interests. I think it’s so important to remember that the children have the rights, the parents have the responsibilities.

Aside from the school/classmate issue, those things could also happen when he is with his dad. My DD made lots of new friends when she went to her dad's (also over an hour away), and there were times when she would want to go to party's there when it was "my" weekend with her. She also joined clubs which were happy for her to attend EOW so, no, the courts won't care.

Thank you so much for your detailed reply, the attachment stuff was my main consideration. To not see me for 4 days at a time, I'm concerned that this will be confusing and unsettling for him. Especially seeing as he doesn't have the language to express how he is feeling.

I did initially do the one overnight a fortnight at the beginning as I thought it would be good for him to get used to it at a young age before any kind of separation anxiety kicked in. But now I'm worried that this is going the opposite way and that it'll affect him being away from me for too long. He won't understand where I've gone for 4 days at a time.

It wasn't the family home, he owned it so I couldn't live there anymore post breakup. I was the one who therefore moved out and into my parents home.

Initially, it used to be a mix of me taking him through to see his father and his father travelling through here but since the handovers changed to my SIL doing them, he does the travelling as she'd be unable to commit to the commute.

I'm not sure how favourably it'll be seen, if you tried to argue that 50-50, contact wouldn't be suitable because of the distance, when it was you that moved.

However, he's not asking for that now, and that's an issue for the future. An hour isn't a huge distance, and things like school choosing somewhere between your houses could be a sensible option if 50/50 does become on the cards.

I don't think it's request is unreasonable and he would be sending far longer still without seeing his son than you will at a time.

I wouldn't see if as four full days away from you TBH. You will see him on Friday morning and Monday evening.

I don't think it's a huge difference from your current arrangement so I would have thought it would be fine. I would give it a try and see how it goes.

Also I think it's in your interests to be conciliatory with your ex - if he went to court, he could get 50:50 and, since you were the one who moved away, you could be on the hook for the traveling as well. So I wouldn't turn this down without at least a trial period.

If he's a good dad then I think this sounds like a reasonable request. My son didn't see his dad for 4 years and now only sees him every other weekend for an hour in a contact centre. It is really challenging and confusing for him. If he saw him more often it would feel more natural and they could actually huild a relationship, but sadly not possible as he can't be on his own with him. I'd be counting my blessings if his dad was kind, and safe, and wanted to have him more often. It would be hard and I would miss him but it would be much better for him.

They do take hobbies into account but it would be more likely that they say that both parents have to facilitate. Maybe even that some of the hobbies would take place near where dad lives.

This is actually a helpful way to look at it, that it isn't 4 full days. Which is how I've been looking at it. Thank you.