DC Father asking for more overnights.

[RoundTheBendThenBackAgain]

Looking for sone advice on what is appropriate contact, as I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable. My son is 19 months old. Ex and I broke up during pregnancy. At present, he takes him every second weekend, Saturday morning at 9am and drops him off to the childminders on a Monday morning. This has been the case for around 6 months. Also sees him every second Wednesday afternoon for 4-5 hours. Father lives in a different city, just over an hours drive from where we live.

Ex is now wanting to collect him from the childminders on a Friday and keep him all weekend till he drops him off on a Monday morning. This would be 4 full days that my son would be away from me, as I drop him off to the childminders at just before 9am on the Friday to get to work and collect him around 5pm on a Monday, after work.

Son is currently speech delayed and I am going to ask my Health Visitor for a referral to our local child development centre as a few things are making me think that he could have ASD. No particular behavioural issues or anything, we have been advised to keep to a routine by speech and language and also the HV. I'm not sure if this matters to the situation, just giving background.

Ex is good with our child, plays games, reads books, takes him swimming, feeds and dresses him appropriately etc. I have no concerns about his parenting other than one or two things that I highlighted and he has now fixed.

My concern is that 4 full days at a time away from his primary care giver (me) is too much. I'm happy with the current level of contact. I think 4 full days away is too much for a 19 month old.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I be looking to facilitate an increase in contact?

If you did decide to say no, he could take you to court and get 50/50 contact. You would also be expected to facilitate the contact and travel because you moved away.

I think what you are sort of saying is you want your son to have this level of contact with his dad but not sure about it being in one chunk as it feels like a long time away from you.

Would it be worth broaching a 2 days with each parent every weekend? One week Friday -saturday and the following week Sunday- Monday. Or could you keep the 3 day weekend but turn the Wednesday into an overnight?
It's clearly not working for him at the moment but he seems to be quite reasonable. Could you arrange a sit down without the wee one around to work out an improved sharing rota

As he gets older it’s likely he’ll have friends local to both parents so activities would be arranged in both places?

That is actually a really good idea. We could do the current Saturday to Monday one weekend then the following week, he could collect him from the childminders on the Monday and drop back with my sister in law on the Tuesday. This way, it still works out at him getting 6 nights a month but just more spread out,and he isn't away for a 3 night/4 day chunk at a time.

I think I'm going to put this forward to him. Thank you so much for the suggestion!

But he's not away from you for four full days, is he? I think you seem to be over-egging the pudding, to be honest. You're not the only human who can have an appropriate SALT routine for a child. You're lucky that he's doing the travelling , as in many cases, the party who moved away is ordered to do the travelling. Perhaps pick your battles?

I'm not over egging any pudding. As one of the few knowledgeable people on this thread has pointed out, at 19 months old, with 4 full days away (and it is 4 full days pretty much, he gets up and 7am and is in nursery at 8am on the Friday then collected at the back of 5 pm and in bed by 7/7.30pm on the Monday) there can be impacts on attachment etc.

Anyway, the poster a few posts ago has come up with a workable solution which I don't think will be detrimental to my son, while giving my ex the 6 nights a month that he wants. I'm going to put that forward.

This is very old school thinking. Not supported by current research.

Hopefully your ex just wises up and goes to court and gets his share of custody. Clearly you are not interested in coparenting or in being amicable or in facilitating your sons relationship with his father. Your child is at daycare, if you were so concerned about attachment, you would not have him away from you for hours a day with caregivers at a center. It seems it is only time with his father that you have decided is damaging to him and must be limited.

Your ex needs to go to court and get custody determined by a judge. The current guidelines do not support that time with father is damaging and detrimental and that children should only be with their mothers. The previous poster has a very out of date perspective. Courts and research now support the importance of both parents as primary parents in a child’s life. Young children can form multiple
secure attachments and are not damaged by being away from their mother if with another securely attached parent.

I’d be curious to know what bit. Having worked in the area for a long time, a focus on child development and attachment is actually beginning to be better recognised. Shorter and more regular contact with the secondary parent is definitely what is generally recommended. Previously it was different, and the idea of parent rights and fairness was far more prominent.
Admittedly I’m not in the UK, so there could be differences in the court approach though. I’d probably lean toward generally preferring our legal system though, the UK approach to financial separations in the absence of marriage seem nuts to us!

I don’t actually think saffronsoup read my post. I clearly said more access could be appropriate but it would be ideal for it to be on a different night. Even in 50/50 arrangements for the 0-2 age group (and they do exist), the ideal recommendation is generally something like 2-2-3-3-2-2 rather than it existing in huge blocks of time.
it would also be better for the father’s relationship with the child to have him for a night in the middle of his current time, rather than 3 nights then 11 without.

Be grateful that the father wants to be part of the child's life. What he is asking for; every other weekend, is a good deal for you, and most importantly for your child to have a relationship with both parents.

The idea of the father having more regular contact is definitely not outdated. It would be beneficial for the child to see him more often than ESW. The other argument of longer but less frequent contact is outdated in the 0-2 age group.

Your son will be fine. He will be loved, safe, and looked after by someone who he also loves and feels safe with. This is for the benefit of your child.

@RoundTheBendThenBackAgain

at 19 months old, with 4 full days away (and it is 4 full days pretty much, he gets up and 7am and is in nursery at 8am on the Friday then collected at the back of 5 pm and in bed by 7/7.30pm on the Monday) there can be impacts on attachment etc

What about attachment with dad?

That is just as important.

How would you feel if you were only getting one weekend a fortnight with your child? Would you think that was fair? Do you think they would be fair for your child?

Dad is just as much a parent as you are.

I mean they didn't care about my ex's history of abuse or the fact he tried to deliberately endanger out son's life and out son reported it to his teachers ... It's a v low bar...

Why not suggest to your ex you are happy to build up to this once your son is older. Maybe if he knows the time will come soon he will be happier.

Also for some dad's the driver is reducing maintenance and they don't actually always take up the time once it's agreed (like my ex)... So think whether this is likely a risk here

I agree. Sadly the courts seem more interested in what's best for the parents (dad generally) than what is best for the child.

I think you are being unreasonable although it would be something to get used to. As a father he has as much right as you do and it’s every other week not every weekend. You still get your child for a weekend and the week after work and childminder. I couldn’t deny a dad of that for my own selfish reasons. He’s clearly a great dad to want to do that much.

Honestly I would fucking hate it but I don't think he's being U

Just say no OP, you don't have to agree to everything he proposes. Just say 4 nights is too long.

You've had some dreadful advice and comments here, and your response to his proposal really isn't that unreasonable. If he doesnt like it he can either propose something else or make a court application.

@RoundTheBendThenBackAgain I would trial it and see how it works. You won't know how DC will manage it unless you give it a ago. In all honesty I think that DC will be fine. I think you might find it difficult to begin with. Change is hard. Do you have scheduled video calls when he his at dad's? Maybe you could agree a time to call and read DC a story or just see his face.

Really surprised you’re getting so many angry comments op. You seem reasonable in your considerations.
i think if you don’t want 3 nights in a row, you could offer him an additional weeknight instead of the Friday night, or perhaps the Friday night on what are usually his weekends off. Really he could ask for 50/50, and I think it’s a good thing he wants to parent more.
i agree with pp that he’s getting to do more of the fun stuff whilst you do the grunt work, so perhaps a weeknight off for you, would feel more fair too and be good for him to know about your sons weekly routines.
good luck sorting it!

You're a bit of a joke, are you? Not sure if you have reading comprehension issues or you're just deeply unhappy within yourself and looking to try and bring others down.

"Clearly you are not interested in coparenting or in being amicable or in facilitating your sons relationship with his father"

Hmm, is that why I've faciliatated contact and overnights for quite some time now, giving him any contact which he has asked for thus far? And thanks to another poster (you know, if you'd actually read the thread) I've worked out a solution to my childs father wanting to up contact to 6 nights a month without my child having to be away from me in one chunk. I proposed today to the ex that we do the 6 nights a month, but split up. Which he was happy with. So that kind of disproves your theory, doesn't it?

"Your child is at daycare, if you were so concerned about attachment, you would not have him away from you for hours a day with caregivers at a center."

🙄 You do know people need to work, yes?

"It seems it is only time with his father that you have decided is damaging to him and must be limited.".

Where did I once say that time with his father is damaging? I said that I was worried that being away from his primary caregiver for one large chunk of time may affect attachment. Genuinely, do you have comprehension issues or are you just nasty?

I hope you find peace in your life I really do. You must be very unhappy to speak to total strangers like you have done to me. Especially when every point you've made doesn't reflect reality or what I've previously said at all

It doesn't bother me, there are a lot of deeply unhappy, bitter people out there who only have strangers on the internet to take their frustrations out against. At least if they're being nasty to me then they're leaving someone else alone!

Yes, that's what I ended up proposing to him off the back of a pp's advice; the extra night but split up, so an additional weeknight, so that it's not 3 nights in a row. Ex is happy with this. This actually works out better I think, as my little one will see more of his father spread out over a period of time, as opposed to having it all in one go.

Very sensible and far better for a young child. It can always be changed when they are older

It's good you are both focussed on what is best for the child

He is a good dad. And (I'm not meaning to be rude here so sorry if it comes across that way!) it isn't for my "own selfish reasons". As I've said a few times already on the thread, I do have concerns about my child being away from me for large chunks at a time. I think it may be unsettling for him. However ex and I have come to a compromise; he's getting the 6 nights a month that he's asked for but split into a few nights throughout the month as opposed to in two larger chunks.

I think that'll be better for my little one as he won't be away from his permanent home for almost 4 full days at a time (and he doesn't yet have the receptive language skills for me to be able to explain things to him) and ex will get to spend more time with him spread throughout the month.