School handling of "racist incident"

[Valentinaz]

My DS is 7 years old. I got a phone call from school Friday evening saying that he has been involved in a "racist incident". I was obviously massively shocked and concerned as my son isn't even really aware of racism at his age, he has Kenyan cousins and has been around minority groups all of his life. I couldn't imagine what had happened so I phoned for a conversation to gather the facts.

On speaking with the head teacher she has stated that a child of a minority group has walked into the boys toilets and my son has said that they shouldn't be in there as its the boys toilets and they are a girl. (the child had long hair in a bun) On speaking to him he genuinely mistook the child for a girl and he has said he was confused and was only trying to do the "right thing" by telling the child this was the boys toilets.

At the same time, he was supposedly having a conversation with a friend in the toilets about animals and has talked about monkeys and how they don't belong in zoos they belong in the wild. He was speaking to another child who is his friend completely unrelated to the previous conversation. I'd like to just make it clear that my son doesn't know how the word monkey relates in any way to disgusting racist remarks. He has no idea how the word connects in any way. He still doesn't. Im not even sure if this is what really happened as it sounds so unbelievable.

Aparrently another child has overheard the conversation and has told a teacher about this, my son has now been punished and the school have stated they are doing a report on the incident as it was racist.

I feel absoloutly mortified by the whole situation. There were no adults present during any of this, this is all based on what the other two children present have told the head teacher. My son still, even after trying to explain to him, doesn't really understand what he has been punished for, he says he was only trying to tell the child it was the boys toilets.

On speaking to the school I've been told that they've already made the decision and a report will go on file about it and it's not my decision wether it's reported in this way. I feel this could have been handled by a simple conversation with my son about how we don't comment on others appearances and to explain how it could have hurt someone's feelings and an apology from him to the other child. Not a report which is sent to the govorners to say this was racist?

I feel so upset about this I've cried all Friday evening about the way it's been handled, I am livid that they are trying to say he has been racist.... Am I reading too much into it? Should I just let them get on with it or should I be taking some advice?

I'd like some thoughts from others on this if possible. I honestly feel like I don't want to send him to school tomorrow, I feel like they're trying to peg him as this awful child. There is no truth to this being in any way racially charged. This was a young child making a genuine mistake, he even now if asked will say he got into trouble for saying a boy was a girl..

I've tormented myself over this, what do I do? 😭

Actually I'd be cross too. And I'd ask to speak to someone about it face to face.

We are speaking to the head teacher tomorrow face to face. But by the conversation on the phone on Friday I've been told that it's not our decision and the report will be filed anyway. I'm devastated by it honestly. We weren't even made aware of this "incident" until the day after it happened.

Your child is 7 and unaware of racism? 🤔

Write a letter to the board of governors outlining your version of this. You are entitled to a "defence"

You don't have to be aware of racism to be racist, in fact we are all racist by our actions when given the chance, that's just human nature and that's why anti racism is a thing.
Think of it this way, they are not labelling him as a bad person, he just can take it as a learning opportunity, not everyone with hair in that way is a girl, and discussion about monkeys can be sensitive especially when overheard.
By being defensive that just makes it more upsetting
Good luck with your meeting tomorrow, but remember, the school doesn't define you or your son

Is it a huge school? Why didn't your son recognise the boy with the bun? Surely he's seen him around.

Most parents challenge these incidents because no one wants to believe their child has been racist or a bully. It sounds very much like your child was being unkind to the other student whether he was being racist or not. In any case you weren't there either. Your only evidence that the school have got this wrong is that you think your child is so lovely that he couldn't have been racist and that he mistook a boy with long hair for a girl. Surely he has seen this other student before in a primary school so he would have known he was a boy?

The best thing you can do here is say that you think the school have made a mistake but that you will be speaking to your son so that he does understand his words and actions hurt someone else even if unintentional. Be mindful that kids do say and do things at school or out in the community that their parents would be shocked by. As a teacher I have seen this many, many times.

I don’t think they have labelled your son as a racist but that he was linked to an incident. Schools are required to record incidents like this, whether it was meant or not it could be construed as racist and to be honest I can see how it may have been understood that way by the other child. However, I do agree that talking to your son would have been beneficial.

I think you need to talk to your son about racism, he is absolutely old enough to understand that this exists.

I think school have to record it but nothing will happen if its an isolated incident. At similar age my DS was accused of being racist when he told his best friend he preferred his hair when he had it afro rather than in cornrows and a TA overheard 🙄 I didn't bother engaging with them as it was so ridiculous.

What I mean by "not knowing racism exists" is he doesn't really regonise himself as being "different" as he's been surrounded by different ethnicities since birth. It's normal to him to see other ethnicities. He knows that everyone is different and we all have different families, he also knows that comments about the way people look can hurt feelings. But he isn't aware of harsh racism. He just isn't. He's seven. I wouldn't really want to tell him about extreme racism. He has just seen something and made a mistake by assuming the child was a girl, which he's been spoken to about. I think it was harsh to make this a racist incident, when it was more about the fact he's mistaken the child for a girl.

I think you need to open your eyes tbh.

He just so happened to be discussing monkeys and how they don't belong in zoos, they belong on the wild?

Whilst telling a child from an ethnic minority they're a girl and don't belong in the boys toilets?

So was it just the hair, or were the monkey comments part of the incident? Obviously I'm not saying he was racist-but you need to be prepared if connections have been made.To be honest, I would be amazed if he didn't know more about racism than you think. The books they read, the TV they watch-racism and civil rights are often featured in primary schools. And if he comes from a very ethnically diverse family, surely he would have heard older people talking?

Having a report 'on file' means absolutely nothing. It will be completely forgotten about and nobody will ever look at it.....

.....unless it happens again.

I don't think I need to "open my eyes" in all honesty. I think that a seven year old little boy who doesn't even know how the word monkey relates to racism. (I can assure you he doesn't) has been made out to be much worse than he is.
He still thinks he's in trouble for mistaking a boy for a girl. That's how little he knows about the monkey thing. For all we know someone else has mentioned them and he has just followed the conversation. There were no adults there. Anything could have happened and kids make stuff up.
He told me straight up that he has mistaken the child for a girl and has commented on their hair. Which I told him he shouldnt have done as it can hurt people's feelings.
The monkey thing seems to be completely unrelated and I'm not even sure it happened. He had said that he was taking about animals to his friend earlier in the day. Personally, whilst I obviously can't be sure, I think a kid has overheard and decided to get him into big trouble.

I just don't know how a school can say a child has been racist to another child and make a report about it, when there were no adults present to varify what happened. My son is adamant he meant no harm and was only trying to tell the child that they were in the wrong toilet.

I honestly thing this has been made out to be a hell of a lot worse than it has really been, I would have had no issues whatsoever with my son being spoken to and even kept in at break like he was for making comments that could have hurt someone feelings. But making a report that he has been intentionally racist is a step too far for me.

You are being overly defensive here
The concept of white fragility might apply...

The person concerned was upset and they understood it as racially motivated. So did another child who overheard. It's more important how that person felt than what your child might or might not have intended.

Instead of complaining and crying why can't you just take it that this is a life lesson? Start teaching him about racism. He is lucky that no-one is likely to mistake him for a girl because of his religious observance and that monkey is just an animal to him. People from some ethnic minorities will never have that luxury. It would be good for him to understand why the other person was so upset. That there is a context. This will equip him to be a good citizen in a multi cultural world more than pretending racism doesn't exist.

Your son might not be aware of racism but black and Asian kids of his age are because they and their families experience it.

Well, whatever else-it's time for a crash course in racism! It is wrong for any child to be that ignorant and particularly for a child from a ethnically diverse family.

My child would be removed from that school immediately.

I wouldn't stand for that nonsense.

Innocent children being made to feel bad for no reason other than to satisfy an adult agenda of woke crap.

Or you can bury your head and agree with Jewelspun I guess....

Imagine this on the flip side. You’re a parent. Your child (who is not white) comes home from school upset because two boys told him he didn’t belong in that toilet because he’s a girl with long hair, and then started talking about “monkeys belonging in zoos” within the same moment. The school does nothing about it. How would you feel then?

@Jewelspun please can you define “woke crap”, particularly in relation to this incident?

Oh schools make mistakes op 100%. My other DS was accused of something pretty bad (not racism, assault type incident that was put on his record), dinnerlady was a witness apparently. Something was fishy about the versions getting back to me, including from the other kid themselves. Long story short I put in a formal complaint asking for it to be fully investigated instead of he said she said and received a very grovelling written apology off the head confirming it didn't happen at all.

So if you do think its maybe not been handled properly it is worth querying.

So, I should tell me seven year old child about harsh racism rather than approaching it sensitively per his age? I don't think I'd be comfortable approaching it that way.
My child isn't ignorant, he has knowledge which is appropriate for his age...
He knows that he shouldn't comment on other people's looks (and was told this after the incident) and he knows that we should treat everyone kindly and that our ways are not necessarily everyone else's ways.

As you say, this should have been turned into a learning opportunity, not slapped with a report to say he was being racist. It should have been reported to us so we could speak to him and perhaps offer a proper apology.

He's seven. He's a young seven. He's very much still innocent of a lot of the world. I don't think that approaching it this way was correct.

Schools are required to report to the county council anything regarded as racist. Nothing will happen with that from a primary school child. It's just a box ticking exercise. Don't worry about that side of it at all.

I just don't know how a school can say a child has been racist to another child and make a report about it, when there were no adults present to varify what happened.

Oh come on, this is the same for the majority of incidents in every single school across the world. Adults are never going to be constantly present and witness every single incident.

So if anyone upsets your child/bullies him/whatever, you'll be fine if the school say they can't do anything because there were no adults present to witness it??

I assume that the boy with long hair told a teacher about this incident because at the tender age of 7, he's faced racist comments.
This needs to be a wake up call for you to discuss racism with your son. While you may be able to say that your son has never said anything racist, you can't speak for other kids who may be living in homes where people use words like monkey in racist ways.
I can't believe that your son is 7 and doesn't know that boys can have long hair and girls can have short. That's a chat that I had with mine when they were like 3 years old.