School handling of "racist incident"

[Valentinaz]

My DS is 7 years old. I got a phone call from school Friday evening saying that he has been involved in a "racist incident". I was obviously massively shocked and concerned as my son isn't even really aware of racism at his age, he has Kenyan cousins and has been around minority groups all of his life. I couldn't imagine what had happened so I phoned for a conversation to gather the facts.

On speaking with the head teacher she has stated that a child of a minority group has walked into the boys toilets and my son has said that they shouldn't be in there as its the boys toilets and they are a girl. (the child had long hair in a bun) On speaking to him he genuinely mistook the child for a girl and he has said he was confused and was only trying to do the "right thing" by telling the child this was the boys toilets.

At the same time, he was supposedly having a conversation with a friend in the toilets about animals and has talked about monkeys and how they don't belong in zoos they belong in the wild. He was speaking to another child who is his friend completely unrelated to the previous conversation. I'd like to just make it clear that my son doesn't know how the word monkey relates in any way to disgusting racist remarks. He has no idea how the word connects in any way. He still doesn't. Im not even sure if this is what really happened as it sounds so unbelievable.

Aparrently another child has overheard the conversation and has told a teacher about this, my son has now been punished and the school have stated they are doing a report on the incident as it was racist.

I feel absoloutly mortified by the whole situation. There were no adults present during any of this, this is all based on what the other two children present have told the head teacher. My son still, even after trying to explain to him, doesn't really understand what he has been punished for, he says he was only trying to tell the child it was the boys toilets.

On speaking to the school I've been told that they've already made the decision and a report will go on file about it and it's not my decision wether it's reported in this way. I feel this could have been handled by a simple conversation with my son about how we don't comment on others appearances and to explain how it could have hurt someone's feelings and an apology from him to the other child. Not a report which is sent to the govorners to say this was racist?

I feel so upset about this I've cried all Friday evening about the way it's been handled, I am livid that they are trying to say he has been racist.... Am I reading too much into it? Should I just let them get on with it or should I be taking some advice?

I'd like some thoughts from others on this if possible. I honestly feel like I don't want to send him to school tomorrow, I feel like they're trying to peg him as this awful child. There is no truth to this being in any way racially charged. This was a young child making a genuine mistake, he even now if asked will say he got into trouble for saying a boy was a girl..

I've tormented myself over this, what do I do? 😭

The official definition of a racist incident is "any incident which is perceived to be racist by the victim or any other person"

And all local authorities that I know of require schools to report such incidents so good luck finding a school where such 'woke crap' does not exist Jewelspun

For the OP there is not going to be any kind of consequence for your son at all. The report will be anonymised even for governors and no- one will ever hold it against your son. It's recorded so that the size of the issue can be seen. The school is duty bound to make a report when someone has complained and you will not be able to influence that. You will only make yourself look silly complaining about this so calm down, reflect on any learning that arises from this and chalk it up to experience

What do you mean by "harsh racism"? You say he has Kenyan cousins- does he know as much about racism as they do?

It HAS been reported to you and you CAN offer a proper apology, there is nothing to stop you from doing so.

How massive is the school that he's never noticed this boy with long hair before?

Exactly this. OP’s son is incredibly lucky to have been shielded from this until the age of 7. A luxury that children who aren’t white rarely have.

Please do use it as a learning curve for both you and your son, OP.

I had a similar incident a few weeks ago. My child was accused of encouraging another student to call someone the n word. I was baffled. He has never heard that word (hes 8!). School investigated and it turned out he wasn't even at school on the day in question and it was a case of children telling tales.

As for the note on file, I wouldn't worry about it, my daughter has one on hers because she told a teacher at the age of 5 she watched 'Megan'. She didn't, she'd seen the trailer on YouTube. They said they have to report it, I said yeah, whatever. Nothing has ever come of it.

I think that this is in danger of turning into a attack on my parenting rather than what it's actually about.
He mistook the child for a girl, genuinely. That was his thought process.

He meant no harm, but has ended up being reported as being racist. To bully, you have to intend to bully and he did not intend to hurt anyone. He expressed real regret on being told he has upset someone.

He was spoken to after the incident my us and his head teacher, and made to apologise. He was spoken to at length and reminded that we don't comment on others appearances. That should have been the end of it for me.

A learning opportunity is what it should have been, not a reason to slap a seven year old with a racism report...

I'm not surprised a 7 year old doesn't know what racism is. I've asked mine if she knows what racism is and she said no. She goes to school in London and they've just had Black History Month so I've no idea how. She doesn't even use the terms white or black etc in the way you would normally, she just describes people sometimes as "she has peach skin like me, or she has brown skin like X friend". She doesn't really know what race is. She doesn't know the history. All I've told her is that some people have different skin colours, just like some people have different eye colours and hair colours and are different sizes and shapes, or that some people are disabled, and that it is unkind to be mean/bully someone about these things.

I did once tell her that in the past black people "people with darker brown skin" were treated really badly, but I didn't really know how to have that conversation. I think, in my mind, I would be making it more likely that she would be involved in some kind of incident at school by discussing that white people, people that look like us, were considered the better/superior race and this is why black people were treated so badly, they were used as slaves etc. What if she repeats that at school, as info? What if she speaks to a friend and says "mummy said black people used to be slaves!" the same way she'd repeat whatever else we've taught her. There wouldn't be intent behind it, she'd be repeating things she'd been told, but it could well be a racist incident TBF, so I thought better of it. I think just explaining we don't comment on skin colour any more than we do eye colour is sufficient and doesn't lead to potential race talk at school.

There are almost 300 pupils at my sons school, lots of ethnicities. It just so happened he has never seen the boy who the incident occurred with. He was of Indian descent and my son had never seen him.

If you need it spelling out for you then yes I would speak to my child aged 7 about how other people have it harder than he does due to the colour of their skin. I would ask him to imagine how it might feel to be mistaken for a girl. How it would be really embarrassing to be told you are in the wrong toilet when you know you are not. That we can upset people even when we don't mean to Was the long hair a religious observance eg Sikh? Is that why it was considered a racist incident and the monkey stuff is a red herring? Take the opportunity to talk about that culture. Look some stuff up

You haven't answered the question about how had he never seen the boy with the bun around school before? Is the school huge?

Even so, I can understand how this could be interpreted as being unkind, verging on bullying if he wasn't allowing him access to the toilets. Racism here might be a stretch though.

However, the talk about monkeys....it just doesn't ring true to me that two little boys, in the boys toilet at school, would be chatting about monkeys and and how they do/don't belong in zoos. In my experience they would be peeing as fast as they can then running outside to play.

My thoughts exactly. No one wants to believe their little darlings could be mean but this sounds like he was unfortunately.

It was a racist incident and the school has to record it as such, or they aren’t doing their job properly. It doesn’t matter whether you think it should be the end of it or not. The qualification for recording an incident as racist is just that - whether or not your child knew they were being racist or not doesn’t come into it. Those are the facts.

Your son has been born into a mad woke era unfortunately, he will be accused of 'racism' everywhere he goes, even if he isn't racist.
It's the go-to card at the moment, even little children aren't immune.

Best to teach him to eye roll and ignore.

This will all blow over at some point as more and more people are getting sick of it.

Just raise him to be a good, tolerant human being and you can't go wrong.

There is almost 700 kids in my children's primary and I'm sorry but they would know or have seen all or most of their peers. It's silly for you to believe this story of his that he thought he was a girl.

You are hugely over reacting about the reporting
It is mandatory in all LAs. The school has to report the incident if the person complaining experienced it as racist
It is not a personal attack on you, your son or your parenting.
Why on earth are you so upset about this?

It's because racist is a dirty word and a thing that no-one wants to be labelled but actually by inventing something called 'harsh racism' that you can be sure you don't engage in you are just absolving yourself from acknowledging the less overt stuff and this is how racism is actually perpetuated.

Just raise him to be a good, tolerant human being and you can't go wrong.

Nothing in your post promotes this philosophy, unfortunately. The irony!

You haven't answered the question about how had he never seen the boy with the bun around school before? Is the school huge?

It could be possible. Our school isn't huge, two forms a year so around 60 kids a year. They have play times and lunches joined to another year in the juniors, so Year 3/4 together, and Year 5/6 together a different time, but they all use the same toilets, so if the school is set up that way they wouldn't all recognise each other.

I went to a school with only 30 kids per year and we all played in the same playground together, so I would have recognised everyone more or less.

How big is the school/how do they do lunch and breaks OP?

This!

This.. With bells on.
Stop being so defensive. And yes, maybe take it as a lesson on your parenting...."my Darling could never be racist because he doesn't understand what it is."

I am afraid it is your job to teach him.

@BlanketPigs having read your post, I can kind of understand why some parents may not have had explicit “racism” conversations with their children. I am hot on what I teach my (black) children about their identity and things like slavery are the last thing on the list; I am not trying to damage my black children’s self-esteem with all that before they’ve had the chance to learn about and love the skin they’re in.

I suppose it’s about balance and getting children to understand that while differences can and should be celebrated, over the years some have been allowed to celebrate the skin they’re in more than others. Wherever you/your children would fit into that “celebration line” would decide where you pitch the conversations.

I think you should explain about Sikhs (if the other boy was a Sikh) and show him some images so he knows next time.
I had to specifically explain to my kids that words relating to the jungle like monkey were racist because they wouldn't have had a clue but they may hear others use language like that and it's important that kids recognise this so they don't hurt other people or pick friends who use language like that.

This

@LNY1986 "Your son has been born into a mad woke era unfortunately, he will be accused of 'racism' everywhere he goes, even if he isn't racist.
It's the go-to card at the moment, even little children aren't immune.

Best to teach him to eye roll and ignore."

Bollocks! (Feel free to report, btw.)

But they're not facts. Nobody actually knows what's happened? Not to the full truth?

My son has told me he did make a comment about the child's hair, which I told him was wrong and that we don't comments on how others look.

But he is adamant he said this because he was trying to do "the right thing" by telling the child they were in the wrong toilet.

I'll accept completely that regardless of wether he meant it, the child may have felt upset about it, which is why I'd have rather been contacted immediately so that I could speak to him and his teachers and help him to offer a proper apology which he understood the reasons behind. Instead I wasn't informed for two days and was completely unaware until I was phoned to say he was involved in a racist incident and would be reported on it.