Cannot admit how I feel

[GettinDesperate]

There is something very wrong with my child. I wish I was being dramatic but even having spoken to my support worker from the perinatal mental health team, as well as my health visiting services, no one has come across a description of behaviour like it.

My partner has just come upstairs bereft and speechless following 45 minutes of sporadic crying episodes (which is now over 1.5 hours). I told him half of what I feel, that I could blow my own brains out, but I can't admit the other half. I can't admit it what goes through my head to anybody because it's unthinkable, but I can feel myself shutting off like you would during intense trauma. There's no other way I can deal with it.

My daughter is 18 months old. She has never, and I mean never, slept longer than 3.5 hours without intervention. She wakes up crying and screaming anywhere up to 15 times a night. Last night she spent an two hours going 1-2 minutes of being settled, before fidgeting and crying for a further 5 minutes, and so on. This is normal and has been ongoing for a year on the back of what I was led to believe were "normal disturbances" for the six months prior. Believe me when I say we've tried everything, even things we have not been given direct instruction to do (I am being purposely vague so as not to incriminate myself), and nothing makes a difference.

Her development is being impacted. Her daytime behaviour is being impacted (inconsolable meltdowns). I have just had to go back to work after being off sick as a direct result of both the physiological impact of the sleep deprivation as well as the deep depression having to deal with such a soul draining situation has caused because my job is being threatened otherwise, so I'm now dealing with shift work on top. We have been waiting for an "urgent" referral to paediatrics for six months after we spent six months buying every book and hiring every professional that might have the solution.

I have reached a point of feeling scared. The inclinations I can feel bubbling up inside of me that I'm constantly having to surpress are becoming unbearable, to the point that anything feels like it would be better than this.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm not looking for answers anymore because I genuinely do not think one could be suggested that I haven't already tried. I just need some moral support I think because my partner has none left to give either.

Have you tried omeprazole and completely hypoallergenic formula? What milk are
You giving?

Don't put to sleep flat, prop up cot at head. Day time nap in sling or bouncer... until you get the SR under control. It sounds very very familiar

Agree with PP. Call the NSPCC or the health visiting team or children’s services. Nobody can cope with that level of sleep deprivation, you need some outside help. The fact that you’ve sought help rather than someone else enforcing it will demonstrate you have your child’s best interests at heart.

It could still be an allergy or intolerance. You say you cut down to 4 foods a day for a while. Could one of them still have been the issue. What does she drink or eat?

My then 2yr old dd finally started sleeping though the night after cranio sacral therapy.

I just wanted to send you a hug, please get the support you need and deserve, before it becomes too hard to keep suppressing how you're feeling. Being honest will open up avenues to you that frankly you need.

My DS had silent reflex until he grew out of it at 3.5yrs. He would scream 1-5am nightly, it was very tough, I know a tiny bit of how you're feeling.

Given how terrible you clearly feel (understandably!) how could further intervention by SS or your mental health team make things worse for you? How can anything that happens as a result of that intervention be worse than seriously considering death (for yourself or anyone else) as a viable strategy? It sounds like you've hit rock bottom and things just cannot carry on as they are.

Do you have the crisis team number? I think you need to call them and be honest about how you feel. Unfortunately with the pressure on resources being what it is, you might find that only a full blown crisis will expedite things and get you the help that you need. All the while you appear, on the face of it, to be "coping" you will just be left to cope. You need to make it clear that you are not coping.

I'm sorry this is happening to you all and I hope you are able to access the support you need. I had bad sleepers (nowhere near the scale you are describing) and the impact on both my physical and mental health was enormous. Of course you can't manage what you're describing, no one could.

You can also reach out to the Samaritans if you just need to talk.

Thank you, although having tried it, it makes no difference to her staying asleep. It's part of what feels so defeating about why it's happening.

You have a point, thank you. I think I'm just also conscious of our mortgage being up for renewal at the beginning of next year and worrying about how we're going to pay for that too, as well as winter energy costs and the general CoL (most likely me increasing my hours, which feels completely unsustainable and a frightening prospect at this point). I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.

She was on Omeprazole as an infant, with no improvement. She was breastfed throughout, and now doesn't drink any kind of milk other than a single feed in the morning.

@Charles11 I lived on chicken, turkey, avocado and banana for a month, then as I slowly introduced a couple of new foods, I took out the banana and avocado. Chicken and turkey are two things I've never entirely excluded but I rarely eat them normally (neither does she now we've weaned) and it still occurs, so it seems highly unlikely to me. There's never been any other symptoms to suggest an allergy though, other than with dairy and fish.

@HunterBidensBurnerPhone @fourelementary Thank you, I have been honest about how it makes me feel towards myself which is why I have weekly calls to allow me to get things off my chest (technically my support from the PMHT should have ended when my daughter was 12 months but I've been kept under them due to exceptional circumstances). I have been through a parenting course and a compassion focused course, I'm on medication, they've written to my GP to try and push things along and generally have done what they can with regards to the resources they have available. I have called them a couple of times on their emergency line and had a chat with them. They've been fantastic, they just can't (and acknowledge that they can't) do anything to directly fix the root cause of all this.

What I'm trying to say is I have been seeking help and being proactive, the combination of her increasing meltdowns and going back to work on top of having been struggling already is what I think is pushing me even further.

She's had CST several times throughout her life, as well as seeing a paediatric chiropractor, both before and after having her tongue tie revised as a baby. Neither had much to remark in terms of residual tension or obvious contributing reasons for her disturbances.

OP, your DDs symptoms sounds familiar. My child was similar and had allergies, reflux and joint pains due to hypermobility. The factor we didn't know until years later was that they were also autistic and adhd. Their hypersensitivity to discomfort or pain caused huge sleep issues. Also inability to shut their brain down properly. They didn't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours without waking distressed and screaming until they were about 2, and then up to 5 hours until they were 3 or 4. It got easier to settle them as they got older. It really broke me and I don't know how I got through it. Now they take melatonin which is a gamechanger.

You can't medicate autism away, but exploring a diagnosis and understanding why they behave and react that way makes it easier to find coping strategies, because the conventional sleep or behaviour methods don't work.

Have you tried weighted blankets? Or swaddling arms, even as a toddler? Check to see if you have a local charity that provides autism/adhd services, including a borrowing library of things that might help (you don't usually need a diagnosis).

I also recommend a full allergy screening. Nuffield do this.

Not to try worry you but Have you looked for signs of abuse?

I'm going to tell you that you need to get onto social services for respite. Make them find a respite. Tell them everything regarding your mental health. Also as soon as 2 put her into nursery for the free hours if eligible.

My friend had exactly same issues, her daughter's now 4 and unfortunately still a few issues but mostly sorted but she had respite one night a week for a year and it got a lot better with age and nursery helped her too she says. Other than that just keep onto them and keep a diary of everything that happens every night/day for a week and take it to a pediatrician to ask what they think.

How are her bowels OP? Could she be in pain with them? My DD never appeared constipated but an abdominal xray revealed she was full of poo. How is her eating (as in how much does she eat in a typical day?) I'm so sorry for what you're going through, I find it amazing and disgusting in equal measures that there is so little help for families in your situation. You almost certainly have PTSD. I'm still recovering.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Parenting section shortly so you can continue to receive support and advice from other Mumsnetters

I don't have specific useful advice like others here, but one time I was very ill myself and waiting on a consultant I had just a single consultant appointment privately where I managed to get very useful help and information because we had a whole hour to talk things over and I got that level of attention from an expert even just temporarily.

As I recall it was "only" about 250 as a one-off self referral. Then I went back under the NHS. Not ideal, but could be still better than nothing.

I had a child that woke up distraught who I was totally unable to calm down it lasted until he was 4. I dreaded it happening if I was out. He would scream and cry for about an hour, nothing I tried worked.
He did have a dairy, soya and egg allergy.
It does sound like your child is in pain and allergens can cause gut inflammation which takes time to go down. It might be an allergy to something you haven’t identified but it could also be just an inflamed gut because of IBDor it could be something different.

If you Google your local private hospital you can see the list on consultants and then you could ring up and find out the cost. I really wish I’d paid a couple of hundred 6 months ago to private as I’ve spent 6 months really ill and I’m not getting anywhere with the nhs. If you get the problem fixed you can then work more and earn more.

I'm sorry for your similar experience (and anyone who has commented with any sort of sympathy), it is soul destroying and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

I have a weighted blanket but have not tried it, purely because she absolutely hates having a blanket over her and every time I've tried putting one on after she's fallen asleep, she wakes up. Never tried the swaddling as a toddler, I'm not sure I can envisage how to get her to comply haha. I will check for any resourceful groups local to me though, thank you.

Definitely not, she is/has been with me the vast majority of her life, and has only ever been looked after by dad or grandparents.

Her bowels seem fine, she has soft stools (I don't mean loose) and goes daily, occasionally twice a day. Her abdomen is soft. Her appetite is reasonable, she'll often eat an egg for breakfast, sometimes with toast, and with fruit, meat and yoghurt/fruit for lunch and then some kind of slow cooked dinner with yoghurt, berries and a small piece of (dairy free) chocolate.

I’m so sorry OP, you have coped unbelievably well and have worked so so hard to find the solution. Hang in there.
I have no experience of this, but I have heard of melatonin helping children sleep.

@GettinDesperate my DD went more than once a day generally, also always soft. I was so skeptical when a paediatric registrar suggested an abdominal xray out of desperation. But she was right. Mind you, my DD suffered from god awful vomiting and reflux, which in hindsight, was a clue. If yours doesn't (or didn't) then it probably isn't that. There will be a reason. It's just finding it. And I know how bloody desperate the not knowing makes you feel. I am so sorry and wish I could be more helpful. I was on my knees after 6 months, god only knows how you are feeling.

Can you put her in bed with you? My ds has mild ASD and I had him in bed with me and next to me all day for several years. There was no possible way I could have returned to my job. My ds would not scream if he was on/next to me. Otherwise, no sleep.