Cannot admit how I feel

[GettinDesperate]

There is something very wrong with my child. I wish I was being dramatic but even having spoken to my support worker from the perinatal mental health team, as well as my health visiting services, no one has come across a description of behaviour like it.

My partner has just come upstairs bereft and speechless following 45 minutes of sporadic crying episodes (which is now over 1.5 hours). I told him half of what I feel, that I could blow my own brains out, but I can't admit the other half. I can't admit it what goes through my head to anybody because it's unthinkable, but I can feel myself shutting off like you would during intense trauma. There's no other way I can deal with it.

My daughter is 18 months old. She has never, and I mean never, slept longer than 3.5 hours without intervention. She wakes up crying and screaming anywhere up to 15 times a night. Last night she spent an two hours going 1-2 minutes of being settled, before fidgeting and crying for a further 5 minutes, and so on. This is normal and has been ongoing for a year on the back of what I was led to believe were "normal disturbances" for the six months prior. Believe me when I say we've tried everything, even things we have not been given direct instruction to do (I am being purposely vague so as not to incriminate myself), and nothing makes a difference.

Her development is being impacted. Her daytime behaviour is being impacted (inconsolable meltdowns). I have just had to go back to work after being off sick as a direct result of both the physiological impact of the sleep deprivation as well as the deep depression having to deal with such a soul draining situation has caused because my job is being threatened otherwise, so I'm now dealing with shift work on top. We have been waiting for an "urgent" referral to paediatrics for six months after we spent six months buying every book and hiring every professional that might have the solution.

I have reached a point of feeling scared. The inclinations I can feel bubbling up inside of me that I'm constantly having to surpress are becoming unbearable, to the point that anything feels like it would be better than this.

I don't even know why I'm posting this, I'm not looking for answers anymore because I genuinely do not think one could be suggested that I haven't already tried. I just need some moral support I think because my partner has none left to give either.

You are not passing it on, you care so much. You are in turmoil because you care. Having a child with additional needs (I'm not saying that's what you have) makes me feel like the shittish parent sometimes. Nothing is easy. In my darkest days I look back to my old life, I hanker for it, the freedom, the time I spent with my husband without having to occomodate a child that gets pissed off with the world. I wish we had a child that was easy, that sleeps through the night, that doesn't get upset by the smallest things, but we haven't and I love him all the same. I fight for his welfare. I will always be there for him. It doesn't stop me missing my old life. It doesn't stop me feeling upset and dispair. You will get through it OP. Give yourself some slack. Mourning for your old life is totally normal imo.

I think other people have made some interesting points

i agree that recording some of these episodes would be really useful, and taking it to your GP

I was asked to record Ds when he went through a worrying phase of waking up coughing and splurting and crying - turned out to be reflux . The videos helped the pediátrician to make the diagnosis.

also agree with others that it’s important to keep a keen eye on separate factors - ie even though your daughter has a pattern of these wakings that possibly has an underlying cause, it doesn’t mean that sometimes the wakings might be unrelated to that and more to do with normal issues like periodic teething

calpol followed an hour later with nurofen helps my ds with teething, he wakes up screaming otherwise

also something to consider… my DS wakes up regularly when he’s hungry. I always know it’s hunger because he’s incredibly restless, hard to settle and doesn’t stay asleep for long. I ask him if he wants weetabix and he says yes and so I give him some, and he goes to sleep well after that (ds is very well fed but he’s got a huge appetite and sometimes he needs extra food, despite having been fed dinner at nursery and dinner again at home - all healthy food) he’s just a bottomless pit really …

something to consider? Try offering her food?

also agree with those who said it might be impacted bowels .. that would be painful and could trigger extreme crying and wakings

sending you love and hugs

I know you did she is allergic to dairy and soya but have you actually had her allergy tested? Maybe pay for private allergy tests? They aren’t very expensive

Right I don't think this will help, it sounds like you do need specialist help for wherever is causing her distress.

At about 2 I said to my Son when you wake up you don't need to cry just call Mommy, and he did! So many things have been suggested I just thought I'd throw it in there. My son was an awful sleeper waking every 45 mins and is now 15 years old and sleeps the day away if I let him. Hang in there , go into survival mode (only do what you must and take every short cut you can). It won't last forever xx

This is a good shout

Just to say like @BusterGonad I had those same feelings. I remember saying to DH I never understood why parents would throw their kid out of a window (or whatever), and I do now. It makes you feel quite desperate. The lack of sleep made me feel very odd, quite dark and I felt I couldn't say anything for fear of being judged. And it was the just sleep. I have not felt those same things once sleeping improved.

Obviously I never acted on any of my thoughts, I tried to remind myself that they are just thoughts and can't harm anyone. I did feel guilty - this very longed for child and it felt like torture.

But, like you, and others on this post, I did whatever I had to to survive and to give DS all the love and care I possibly could. I feel now like I would have advocated much more strongly for both of us, but at the time no one really took me seriously. I do remember occasions like one friend turning up out of the blue and saying, right I'm taking him to the park for an hour or so and you can sleep. God bless that woman!

You won't be passing on trauma, and actually I do think that having bad times makes you love them more somehow. The fact you have gone through these things and always been there for her through bad and good.

Eventually you will look back and realise how strong you are @GettinDesperate. You do actually deserve a medal 🎖 and a cup🏆as well so consider yourself on the podium having gone above and beyond.
You can love your child AND at the same time hold feelings of anger, resentment and so on. You are not a saint. You are human. You are aware of your family history and you don't want to recreate it - that says a lot about your self awareness.

I honestly think you and she will be fine.
I hope you do find some answers about what might be causing the sleep issues.
Have you ever tried:

https://www.cry-sis.org.uk/

I found out about them after mine had stopped, but always thought it would have been a good one to have rung!