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Parenting

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Original poster

Newborn arriving, what to do with the 3yo?

112 replies

pizzanoodle · 21/10/2023 19:41

Hi everyone,

We have a 3 year old daughter and a baby boy on the way in December (due date 21st December).

Both mine and my partner's parents are overseas and they can't travel due to various reasons.

So the question is: should we send our older one to her grandparents for 3 weeks (or longer)?

The alternative is that we have a newborn and a 3yo to take care of at the same time. While I'm sure many people have done that before, our 3yo is prone to flus and colds and we're worried that she might pass it to the newborn. The other consideration is that I will have a c section this time due to various reasons (natural delivery the first time), and therefore recovery might be more prolonged and so it might be easier to have 1 baby to take care of instead of 2.

The downside of having the 3yo away is that she would be away from us for 3 weeks. She's done that before with her grandparents whom she is quite close with. The worry is whether she will find it more difficult to adjust to having a little brother when she comes back from her grandparents'. If she stayed with us all the time perhaps there's less change to deal with.

Appreciate that it's a long post but would be interesting in your experience and thoughts

Best,
Mel

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Picturesofowls · 21/10/2023 20:41

Get a mother's helper or nanny to support you when needed.

slopsan · 21/10/2023 20:46

Do not send your oldest away!

eewan · 21/10/2023 20:47

Oh no don't send her away, her life is about to completely change you can't send her away when everything's normal and bring her back three weeks later to a completely different world, that will without a doubt make everyone's life more difficult and potentially push her out.
DD was 3 when my now 6 month old was born and she still regularly talks about when she came to the hospital to see me and meet baby and we all brought her home together, she was there from day 1 and don't get me wrong it was bloody hard but I'm sure it helped her to adjust quicker and made her feel completely involved. I couldn't have imagined her not being there from the start.

Interested in this thread?

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3 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting

Energydrink · 21/10/2023 20:49

Hire a mothers help

Cuthbertsrevenge · 21/10/2023 20:51

My first thought was you cannot be serious. Then I went and re-read your post and I can’t believe you’d consider three weeks but then you’ve even said “or longer?”. WTF!

DD1 came came to visit DD2 about 3 hours after she was born, because I couldn’t wait to see her. I also kept her home from nursery on our first full day as a family of four and it was a lovely lovely day.

You are not the first person to have a second baby.
You are not the first person to have a second baby by c-section.
Plenty of us manage without the help of grandparents/family.
Babies get colds.

Imagine how your poor DD would feel. Shame on you for even considering it.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 21/10/2023 20:51

Are you mad? No, you categorically cannot send your child away for three weeks while you have their sibling. Your baby will be fine. You have two parents to cope with two children, like millions do everyday.

Lifeinlists · 21/10/2023 20:55

Energydrink · 21/10/2023 20:49

Hire a mothers help

She has a nanny, if her other thread is real

mrboombasticwhy · 21/10/2023 20:56

Cindy1802 · 21/10/2023 21:01

I'm due my 2nd in December and I already know I will be dying to see my 3 year old as soon as I can leave the hospital 🥺

ShineBright1209 · 21/10/2023 21:03

Don’t send her away. She will feel as though she’s now 2nd best and new baby is more important than her. I had my Dd1 just before DS1 turned 2 and their Dad was back in work the next day so just had to get on with it. When ds2 came along ds1 was 5 and dd1 was 3 and their dad was back in work the next day again so I was off on the school run less than 24hours after giving birth. It’s totally do able to cope with a 3 year old and a newborn with 2 parents.

HMW1906 · 21/10/2023 21:05

Don’t send her away when she’s getting a new sibling!! Are you trying to make her feel like she’s been replaced??! Your poor daughter!

You’ll manage perfectly fine with a 3 year old and a newborn even after a c-section. I had a c-section in March whilst also having another child who was 2y3m at the time, it was absolutely fine, we didn’t need to send him away at all we just got on with it as a family of 4. My husband took over most of the care of the 2 year old and even slept in the spare room so that he could get some sleep so that he wasn’t too tired to get up with the 2 year old whilst I primarily took care of the newborn (whilst also giving the 2 year old plenty of attention so he didn’t feel left out) and when my husband went back to work we just got on with it. I’m not saying it wasn’t hard but there’s absolutely no way I could’ve sent my older child away!

Moveoverdarlin · 21/10/2023 21:06

Don’t send her away. Everyone who has more than one child has this dilemma. You’ll cope. I personally found recovery after a c section much easier than that of a natural birth. It might not be that bad.

Needaholi · 21/10/2023 21:10

Just cope ffs. Sending your child away - seriously how could you.

crew2022 · 21/10/2023 21:11

Needaholi · 21/10/2023 21:10

Just cope ffs. Sending your child away - seriously how could you.

This.

When you decided to have two children what did you plan to do? Only let them stay one at a time?

ShatteredPeace · 21/10/2023 21:13

Assuming your partner is around there's no reason you shouldn't be able to cope with a newborn and a 3 year old, c-section or not. Please don't send her away, she'll remember this and it's important bonding time for her too.

ShatteredPeace · 21/10/2023 21:15

Since you asked for experience, I had this age gap and a c-section and no family around. It was absolutely fine. They were precious days of our new family and I would never have been without them.

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 21/10/2023 21:17

Is this a joke? You have chosen to add to your family. Your DD can’t miss that ridiculously important family time any more than you or the baby’s Dad can.

When I had my second baby I had two dependent adult relatives I had to do daily care for, never mind having family help with my children, I had to visit them daily and cook, clean, and help them with mobility, bathing, self care and medication. I only took the obligatory 2 weeks maternity leave from my job. I had two dogs to be walked each day. And the older child. And the newborn. We didn’t use any childcare until school. The newborn had a cold within a week of birth. It happens. My older child was holding their sibling within minutes of birth because bonding between them, and as a family, really, really matters! I think of the whole time a wonderful and happy. I wish you the same, but please don’t send your 3 year old away.

fixies · 21/10/2023 23:29

It's Xmas! You can't send a 3yo away for three weeks over Xmas. Is she as nursery? If not sign her up and that will give you a break. It will shut over Xmas but you'd still get peace and quiet.

We had 2yr 9 month gap. Honestly, the baby was a doddle 2 nd time. The older child demanded more attention than the baby. Newborns don't do that much in reality. If you are worried split the kids. Make sure you are only looking after the baby for the first while. Also indulge the 3 yo.screen tone is your friend. Buy her new toys to keep her busy.

Good luck

cestlavielife · 21/10/2023 23:34

No. Not a good idea. Hire some help.

Itwasamemo1 · 21/10/2023 23:38

My daughter was 22 months when my son was born via C section. She was brilliant as my little helper . Just crack on and navigate problems as they occur.

fuckssaaaaake · 22/10/2023 07:28

Can't believe I read this. We have no help here either, it's called parenting and you just manage. What an awful idea

cptartapp · 22/10/2023 07:29

We kept DC1 going to nursery which helped massively until they brought home chicken pox and gave it to a one week old

SoftKittyBazinga · 22/10/2023 07:32

I thought this was going to be about what to do with the 3 year old while you are in labour.

you are suggesting sending your pre-schooler away for weeks because you have a new baby? Please don’t do that.

you need to start building life as a family from day one. We had no grandparents around when my youngest was born, you just have to crack on. As PP have said hire some help if you are really struggling to cope, but don’t send your eldest away.

Nousernamesleftatall · 22/10/2023 07:37

Even to suggest it is cruel. No don’t send your child away. We had no help (most people don’t) and we were fine.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 22/10/2023 07:39

I cannot believe what I have just read

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