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Original poster

Newborn arriving, what to do with the 3yo?

112 replies

pizzanoodle · 21/10/2023 19:41

Hi everyone,

We have a 3 year old daughter and a baby boy on the way in December (due date 21st December).

Both mine and my partner's parents are overseas and they can't travel due to various reasons.

So the question is: should we send our older one to her grandparents for 3 weeks (or longer)?

The alternative is that we have a newborn and a 3yo to take care of at the same time. While I'm sure many people have done that before, our 3yo is prone to flus and colds and we're worried that she might pass it to the newborn. The other consideration is that I will have a c section this time due to various reasons (natural delivery the first time), and therefore recovery might be more prolonged and so it might be easier to have 1 baby to take care of instead of 2.

The downside of having the 3yo away is that she would be away from us for 3 weeks. She's done that before with her grandparents whom she is quite close with. The worry is whether she will find it more difficult to adjust to having a little brother when she comes back from her grandparents'. If she stayed with us all the time perhaps there's less change to deal with.

Appreciate that it's a long post but would be interesting in your experience and thoughts

Best,
Mel

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Cakeorchocolate · 21/10/2023 20:24

I definitely wouldn't send the older one away while you have the new baby. Sends the wrong message to them.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 21/10/2023 20:24

DO NOT send her away. That will be really traumatic. It's going to be hard enough for her.

I have a similar age gap. 2.5 years. I had a section with my second and the recovery was far far better than my vaginal delivery and massive tear with my first. I was at the park with them both day three for example.

Could you afford a doula/mothers helper for a short while if your worried about how you will manage? What paternity leave does your partner have? Sign up for food order service or batch cook now. Prep the three year old for the baby so much now so it's not a shock. Do they go to childcare? Continue that childcare if so will be really helpful for routine.

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 21/10/2023 20:25

Also second babies are just built different I swear. Don't worry about bugs etc they need to build their immune system

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

3 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting
3orstickto2 · 21/10/2023 20:26

Don't be ridiculous! Just get on with it like all other parents do

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 21/10/2023 20:26

Good god keep the 3 year old with you. It's going to be a big change to get used to whether you send her away for 3 weeks or not. And it's Christmas, surely you'll want to be a family and actually spend it together? (Assuming you do Christmas).

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 21/10/2023 20:26

Will DH be getting paternity leave?

Some practical things you can do are to buy and wrap Christmas presents now.

But some toys that DC1 might be able to manage on their own.

Start giving them a daily vitamin if you're worried about them catching a bug.

And you can try BFing if you're worried about DC2 catching bugs.

I can't imagine sending a 3 yo away though for Christmas and the birth of their sibling. You'll soon get onto a routine with the two of them and if DH is around he can take DC1 out for some time each day whilst you have a nap some time with the baby alone.

villanova · 21/10/2023 20:27

As a pp has said, think about a maternity or night nurse if you're worried about having enough time/ mobility for both children (especially after a C-section). We had no family help but coped with births 2 & 3 - for 2 I hired a doula in case DH couldn't be with me (we'd arranged for a friend to take child 1 if they were available, as I had a VBAC), for child 3 we just coped - it was all a bit unexpected as it was an emergency C in the end, so I just did it alone. I was fortunate that DH was off for my entire 5 month maternity leaves each time.

Somewhatchallenging · 21/10/2023 20:27

You cannot send your three-year-old away. That is shocking. If there are two parents at home in the first few weeks, that’s easily enough to manage two small children. And don’t you have a nanny too?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 21/10/2023 20:27

pizzanoodle · 21/10/2023 19:41

Hi everyone,

We have a 3 year old daughter and a baby boy on the way in December (due date 21st December).

Both mine and my partner's parents are overseas and they can't travel due to various reasons.

So the question is: should we send our older one to her grandparents for 3 weeks (or longer)?

The alternative is that we have a newborn and a 3yo to take care of at the same time. While I'm sure many people have done that before, our 3yo is prone to flus and colds and we're worried that she might pass it to the newborn. The other consideration is that I will have a c section this time due to various reasons (natural delivery the first time), and therefore recovery might be more prolonged and so it might be easier to have 1 baby to take care of instead of 2.

The downside of having the 3yo away is that she would be away from us for 3 weeks. She's done that before with her grandparents whom she is quite close with. The worry is whether she will find it more difficult to adjust to having a little brother when she comes back from her grandparents'. If she stayed with us all the time perhaps there's less change to deal with.

Appreciate that it's a long post but would be interesting in your experience and thoughts

Best,
Mel

Please don't send your child away when you have a baby. Really it's fine, I am assuing :
a) The children have 2 parents
b) The 3 year old is eligible for some nursery hours at least from January if you are in the UK.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 21/10/2023 20:27

Two adults can manage two kids.

toomanyleggings · 21/10/2023 20:27

Christ no. I couldn’t wait to get home to my daughter when I had my second. Felt like I was cheating on her lol

Whatelsecouldibecalled · 21/10/2023 20:27

Also to add... my toddler got croup when my newborn was 3 days old. Newborn was fine. My toddler got d and V when newborn was 15 days old. Newborn was fine. My toddler got HFM when newborn was 3 months old. Newborn was fine...you get the picture

lunar1 · 21/10/2023 20:28

How useless is your husband that you are even considering this?

Lovelyweatheragain · 21/10/2023 20:29

Also, I do think sending an older child away when a sibling born is a sure fire way to ensure older sibling hates the baby!

CutiePatooties · 21/10/2023 20:31

Is this post for real, or am I hallucinating?

pinkyredrose · 21/10/2023 20:31

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 21/10/2023 20:20

This can't be real , can it ? Evacuating a toddler because of fear of a few snuffles ?

Exactly. You're being ridiculous.

Plus how can a 3yr old be 'prone' to flu? Most people don't get influenza more than once in a lifetime if they get it at all. She's getting colds not flu, just like every other kid does. It's a necessary part of childhood.

Wanttobekind · 21/10/2023 20:32

Good grief, why would you even contemplate sending a 3 year old away for three weeks, over Christmas? Let alone the “oh look we’ve had a new baby we don’t want you any more” emotional firestorm you will create. Get a grip. You will have to parent two children for the next 18 years, maybe start putting on your big girl pants and actually being a parent rather than damaging one child so that you can have a nice easy few weeks. Appalling.

Whereland · 21/10/2023 20:33

I could not even consider this.. just imagine how the three year old would feel! Being sent away because a new baby is arriving. They would fee so rejected.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 21/10/2023 20:33

Kids get ill all the time, especially in the winter and germs spreading around at school etc. you can't just get rid of the older kid incase she comes home with the sniffles.

CutiePatooties · 21/10/2023 20:34

Wanttobekind · 21/10/2023 20:32

Good grief, why would you even contemplate sending a 3 year old away for three weeks, over Christmas? Let alone the “oh look we’ve had a new baby we don’t want you any more” emotional firestorm you will create. Get a grip. You will have to parent two children for the next 18 years, maybe start putting on your big girl pants and actually being a parent rather than damaging one child so that you can have a nice easy few weeks. Appalling.

This ^

Lifeinlists · 21/10/2023 20:35

Did I read that you have a nanny - or did I misread that?

riotlady · 21/10/2023 20:35

Don’t send her away, it will only amplify any jealousy she has about the new baby.

I have a 5yo at school and a 10 week old- baby DS managed to get 2 separate colds before he was 6 weeks old thanks to his sister bringing home germs from school. Not ideal but he was fine! Not worth sending a child away over

RipePeach · 21/10/2023 20:36

What?!!! I can't believe this is a real post. When my daughter was born (by c section), I had a 3 year old and an 18 month old at home. It would never have occurred to me to send the other 2 away! I'm sorry but I can't believe that anyone would ever consider this... what do you think that most people do? Even if she's used to being away from you, this will store up attachment issues for her for the rest of her life.
Also, as other PPs have asked, why can't your husband take some responsibility? He won't be laid up.

lochmaree · 21/10/2023 20:39

I agree with everyone else sorry OP. my DC1 was 2.5 when DC2 was born by elective section. No family help. We have a brilliant childminder though. My DH did all the housework and bulk of 2yo care. I snuggled and fed baby and toddler (tandem fed in the beginning!) But I did a day on my own 7 days in because DH had to work one day = baby in sling and carried on as normal. no problem. DC2 isn't fussed about anything, sleeps anywhere (even on the grass outside 🤣 - it was summer), has had various illnesses but nothing out of the ordinary. Having a newborn and 3yo is a really very common situation!

to prepare I would:

  • batch cook and freeze meals
  • Read the second baby book by Sarah Ockwell Smith
  • buy some new toys for eldest (vinted, charity shop, marketplace) to bring out in dribs and drabs / as and when you need them
  • have DH do all housework
  • buy in as much help as you can if you want, but it's not necessary, it's totally doable without
  • get a sling for the newborn
  • get out and about as soon as you feel able / want to (we all went to our bf support group when DC2 was 4 days old as we were all desperate to be out somewhere!)

Good luck and enjoy it, I loved the newborn stage with DC2, it felt easier and much more enjoyable!

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 21/10/2023 20:39

If you ship off your eldest you will be sending her the message that she comes second now and she's old news.
She needs to be part of your family. You can't just put her in exile because you think she may get a cold!
And guess what? Babies do get colds.

I feel sorry for her

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