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Original poster

Newborn arriving, what to do with the 3yo?

112 replies

pizzanoodle · 21/10/2023 19:41

Hi everyone,

We have a 3 year old daughter and a baby boy on the way in December (due date 21st December).

Both mine and my partner's parents are overseas and they can't travel due to various reasons.

So the question is: should we send our older one to her grandparents for 3 weeks (or longer)?

The alternative is that we have a newborn and a 3yo to take care of at the same time. While I'm sure many people have done that before, our 3yo is prone to flus and colds and we're worried that she might pass it to the newborn. The other consideration is that I will have a c section this time due to various reasons (natural delivery the first time), and therefore recovery might be more prolonged and so it might be easier to have 1 baby to take care of instead of 2.

The downside of having the 3yo away is that she would be away from us for 3 weeks. She's done that before with her grandparents whom she is quite close with. The worry is whether she will find it more difficult to adjust to having a little brother when she comes back from her grandparents'. If she stayed with us all the time perhaps there's less change to deal with.

Appreciate that it's a long post but would be interesting in your experience and thoughts

Best,
Mel

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Peakypolly · 21/10/2023 20:04

Wow!
Not having family close by, I had one of my NCT group have DD1 whilst I gave birth to DC2. You will be fine coping with a toddler and a newborn. Lots of reading stories and snuggling the 3year old whilst the newborn feeds/sleeps. And DH providing tasty food and some time in the fresh air.
The newborn will have all your antibodies still from breastfeeding, so forget the problem of infections.
Your 3 year old would never forget or forgive being banished for the sake of a new baby.
p.s. My DC3 has a birthday of 20/12 and adores all the Christmas excitement being part of her celebration. It's the best time for parties!

Vettrianofan · 21/10/2023 20:04

Your DD will feel shunned. Best to adjust to the new normal of two children straight away as that's her new sibling. She needs to be included.

APocketOfGooseFood · 21/10/2023 20:05

I was three when my brother was born - almost 50 years ago. I can vividly remember going into the hospital room and seeing mum in bed and my tiny brother in his crib at the side of the bed, and how perfect he was. The cuddle with my mum in her bed. Touching my brand new baby brother’s hand. I’m sure that if I was sent away and came home to find a new baby already installed in my space and my parents both bonded with it, I would still remember that, too. And I doubt the memory would be as sweet.

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Pinkshoppingbag · 21/10/2023 20:05

Don't send her away for goodness sake! Can one of your parents not come over for a little while if you can't possibly manage?

yikesanotherbooboo · 21/10/2023 20:06

Wow! There will be two pairs of hands to look after two tiny children ; you will manage perfectly well. I can hardly believe that you would consider this. Your DH can set you up with drinks, the remote and some nappy changing equipment and can spend his paternity leave with your little child.

Winnipeggy · 21/10/2023 20:06

I have a 19mo and trying for baby 2... I really don't think I could do that to my DD, I realise it will be super hard but I think she'd really miss out on important bonding time. Is she in nursery? Can you utilise friends/childminders? It's your decision of course but I think 3 weeks (or more) away from you at such an important time will have a massive impact on her

Blueuggboots · 21/10/2023 20:07

When will you stop worrying about the baby catching something?

You're being ridiculous. Many,many people cope with a 3 year old and a newborn.

17caterpillars1mouse · 21/10/2023 20:08

You can't send her away, poor thing. People deal with a toddler and newborn everyday without grandparents. You just get on with it, yes it's not easy but what's the alternative? She will think she's been replaces, mum and dad have a new baby and I've been sent away. No sorry, but give your head a wobble. Seriously!

Cowlover89 · 21/10/2023 20:09

Please don't send her away. That would be awful and traumatising for her

Notmetoo · 21/10/2023 20:10

Blueuggboots · 21/10/2023 20:07

When will you stop worrying about the baby catching something?

You're being ridiculous. Many,many people cope with a 3 year old and a newborn.

I agree and people cope with much younger older siblings and/or more than one older sibling having had a section and with no family support. It's hard but it's just life when you have more than one child.

SErunner · 21/10/2023 20:11

Christ do not send her away, that is a terrible idea and could cause devastating lasting damage. Use that money or save to pay for help. Find pretty much any other plan than that one.

HopAPot · 21/10/2023 20:11

You just get on with it, certainly don’t send a 3 year old away, that would be incredibly traumatic.

I had a newborn and a three year old, DH at work and I was incredibly poorly but loads of tv, snacks and not bothering to get dressed got us through it. Eldest was at nursery a couple of days a week and that helped. Go to soft play, stare into space and drink coffee and let the 3 year old blow off some steam.

nc14 · 21/10/2023 20:13

I’m due early next year when our DS will be 3. I can understand why looking after two might make you panic, but I really wouldn’t send DD away. I think at this age she will remember and when she returns she’ll feel like she was replaced. For us, I feel anxious about it and haven’t worked out the logistics of it all yet but I’m sure we can muddle through.

Totalblindnessofthesoul · 21/10/2023 20:14

The baby and 3 year old week have two parents and a nanny (yes, I did a search because i couldn't believe this was genuine).

Why on earth wouldn't you just get on with it like every other family does?

Blessedbethefruitz · 21/10/2023 20:14

3 years and 7 days between mine. We have no support, so I had a vbac alone so that dp could stay with ds, who is an anxious child. If we had sent him away, especially over Christmas, I just can't imagine him forgetting or getting over that. We continued with his nursery routine (3 full days) and he co slept with dad instead of me for the first 10 days (4.5 years old now and still doesn't sleep through due to health issues).

Divide and conquer. Get lots of really quiet activities in for you to do with dd for if you are breastfeeding/contact napping. Reading, puzzles, sticker books, etc. Take 1 each per night. Your dd will understand Christmas this year...

For what it's worth, at 2 weeks old, my ds came home from nursery with bloody chicken pox. I've never had it. Somehow me and baby didn't catch it even though we'd been co sleeping, and it was manageable. 2 kids are perfectly manageable with a second parent and enough preparation, provided your other half is semi decent.

pumpykins · 21/10/2023 20:16

Dont send her abroad by herself!!!

What is your plan for the labour snd birth?

Totalblindnessofthesoul · 21/10/2023 20:16

Ps, yes we had grandparents around, but we survived for 5m without anyone during covid when they were 1 and 3, and they were a lot harder at that age than newborn and toddler.

PenguinRainbows · 21/10/2023 20:17

menopausalmare · 21/10/2023 19:47

Keep your daughter with you and crack on with parenting- you both need to learn to manage two children.

This. I can’t believe you would even consider sending her away Confused

CurlewKate · 21/10/2023 20:17

Can't a grandparent come and stay with you? I think sending her away would be a serious mistake, frankly.

Springbaby2023 · 21/10/2023 20:19

Please don’t send her away. That’s setting them up for a bad relationship from the start as I can’t imagine how resentful she’d be of him.

Instead use the time you have now to make plans to make life as easy as possible for yourselves. Batch cook or stock up on frozen ready meals, find yourself a cleaner if you can afford one, even if it’s just for a one off clean in January. Plan activities for your three year old to do while you feed newborn (Christmas is ideal as good excuse to give her presents which will then keep her occupied - puzzles, busy board, books etc). try to get your 3yo as independent as possible (using the toilet, climbing into car seat etc) and also make sure your living room is completely child proofed so you can leave them in there for a few mins if needs be. Get a nappy caddy full of the essentials for downstairs (including painkillers and snacks for you) so you don’t have to move rooms much.

You’ll be fine, I had an emergency c section with my second after a natural delivery with my first (also three when baby arrived). Yes it is harder in some ways than a natural delivery but a planned one should be better in some ways, you won’t be exhausted from a long labour for a start. The only thing that’s difficult is not being able to pick up your eldest but you can get them used to that in advance.

Caterina99 · 21/10/2023 20:19

I also vote for not sending her away. Maybe keep that for when she’s a bit older. It’s still hard work having a 4yo and an older baby, and she might appreciate some grandparent “big girl time” in the summer for example.

What help do you currently have? Anyone that can be childcare for you for the birth or if you go into labour? Does DH have paternity leave, and holidays? Does 3 year old go to nursery?

Hopefully you can be booked in for c section during the day while DD is at nursery. Or with a friend. Then afterwards basically DH does practically everything household and toddler related, and you concentrate on healing and caring for newborn. Presumably with Christmas too he can be off work for at least 3 weeks. If you’re worried about illness then keep older child off nursery if you can.

Springbaby2023 · 21/10/2023 20:19

Also remember they sleep A LOT as newborns, I’ve found it harder and need help more as the baby has gotten older

Guiltyfeethavegotnorhythm0 · 21/10/2023 20:20

This can't be real , can it ? Evacuating a toddler because of fear of a few snuffles ?

Mariposista · 21/10/2023 20:21

My heart is breaking for that poor child at the idea of her being sent away… and over Christmas too. And only to come back to find her life has been turned upside down.
Sorry OP but no. You will have TWO children, colds, c-section, routine, feeding, or whatever and you will just have to adapt and manage.

Lovelyweatheragain · 21/10/2023 20:22

If you EBF I’m pretty sure your newborn wil have your immunity for the first 5-6 months. Maybe google this but I seem to remember neither of mine caught a cold for the first x number of months. If you can afford it, get a postnatal doula to help with the first few weeks, particularly once DH is back at work