Stopping at 1 child due to stress from nursery illnesses

[PersistentSniffles]

I was wondering if this has tipped anyone else into being one and done? DH and I have an almost 2 year old, we both work full time, and have no family help nearby. Switching from nursery to a nanny is not an option, because it's not within our budget.

This is DS's second nursery winter (he started last October), and I have already had two colds and a flu bug since Sept. DS has been unable to go in to nursery twice due to D&V, leading DH and me tag teaming around online meetings and working until the small hours to catch up. The stress of having to juggle when DS can't go to nursery, and also being constantly sick myself and falling behind on work due to feeling rough, is really wearing me down.

I just don't understand how anyone could possibly hold down a job with more than one child getting sick and passing on viruses to you, as well as having two being being frequently sent home from nursery due to illnesses (presumably at different times, and with different bugs).

It is teally rough but it does get better. I have 2 and my first who is at school now very rarely gets sick. I think she had 1 day off sick last year and 1 the year before. As their immune systems grow, the sickness should subside quite a lot.

I think it’s valid! As is any reason, especially if you want both parents to continue working

What about a preschool or childminder? Not a nanny. A childminder is cheaper usually around 45 per day here and they only have a few children so less likelihood of germs coming home

Yes YABU! Don't deny your child a sibling over this. It passes, and it is often easier with second children as unlike the PFB they are exposed to children's germs from birth via older sibling, so starting nursery isn't such a shock to the system! Hang in there.

It's hard at the time of course but it wouldn't, and hasn't, put me off having another.

Kids get ill no matter which setting they are in.

I don't think that's particularly fair. Having another child is a big decision to make and needs to take a lot into account. Surely people don't have second children solely to provide the first with a sibling?

This is odd. Did you only have a second child to give your first a sibling? Not because you wanted a second? That's a truly terrible reason to have a second child.

Also not all siblings get on. Some do. Some don’t. Never base it on ‘giving them a sibling’.

My children are 9 and 13, they have very rarely been off school sick. Ds1 once for scarlett fever when he was 6 and ds2 once with covid.

After the nursery years it gets much easier, so I wouldn't base the decision on that alone.

However, there is nothing to say that a second child would not have some kind of health issue or disability that requires time off and medical appointments so if that something you don't feel you could deal with and you want to put your career first, that's a valid choice too.

Think my post about giving dc1 a sibling was badly worded - sorry. I just meant if you were always planning to have more than 1 child (which it sounds like OP was) then this shouldn't be the reason to stop at 1. The toddler/nursery illness years are really tough but they are a relatively short period of time in the grand scheme of things.

I have been on the fence about DC2, and the illness thing is strongly tipping me towards being one and done. I am also no spring chicken, at 39.

4 year age gap seems to have worked, the older one doesn't het half the bugs the little gets. they're 7 and 3 now and neither are really ever poorly

I think under 2 is peak illness time.

Would you consider a childminder? Much less germy, nice continuity when DC goes to school.

It gets better I promise!
second (and third - yes I’m bonkers) children seem to have better immune system due to having grown up with a toddler sneezing into their eyeballs. Husband and I have a better immune system too. I won’t lie, the absence due to sickness in nursery is a killer but once they reach school it’s the opposite. School want them in no matter what the germs are (aside from sickness!) plus due to nursery they have usually seen all the chicken pox, HFM etc etc so generally have much less time off.

Even if you manage to avoid all the germs now (childminder etc) they will catch them all at school so might as well get it over with. Aside from posters complaining about work colleague’s on mumsnet I find it generally more acceptable for nursery age kids to be off Ill and therefore needing to take time off myself.
(no family support here either and a husband with a bonkers job).

I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old at nursery and 'fortunately' they tend to be ill at the same time so I wouldn't say it was too much worse than if there was only 1.

Totally relate to the stress of it all!

This is a really crappy stage illness wise. I remember being up in the night loads with sick kids, one had several rounds of bronchiolitis, hospital visits inhalers etc. and then a full day’s work. It was beyond knackering.

BUT as pp say - it is temporary.

Ultimately the question is, are you willing to go through a couple of hellish winters, for the sake of having another child long term?

It comes down to how much you actually want a second child. This alone shouldn’t be enough to put you off, since it’s a short period in the grand scheme of things, but if you were on the fence anyway it might be enough to tip the balance.

ime second (or more) children get through their first colds earlier so fare better woth nursery.
but the first winter is horrific.

a few things you can do though.

• sleep. a good rest is vital for physical and mental health (both for dc and YOU)
• nutrition, consider a supplement if diet is not the best. at least give vit d3
• exercise. at least one hour a day. preferably outside. get breathless and sweaty. and laugh together.
• hygiene: hand washing anytime you come inside, anytime after touching pets, after any toilet visit, before & after eating

It is utter shite but it does get better. Mine started at nursery just before Covid so every temp or cough was a rush to get a Covid testing slot asap, as he wasn't allowed back without a negative test (also usually meant at least two days off every time, as the results never came back in less than 24 hours).

Do you have time to leave a bigger gap? If so, I would just wait to conceive the next one until your first is 3+. The illnesses significantly calmed down after the second winter, and he's now at school and (touch wood) doesn't get ill anywhere near so much, and also is generally much less affected by them.

That said - it's fine to just have one. You shouldn't have a second child just to 'give' your first child a sibling, there's no guarantee they'll get on.

If nursery illness is your main concern about having a DC2, I’d say to keep in mind that this is normal at this age (and they do not get ill as often when older). Also, next baby may have a more developed immune system due to having older sibling around. I try not to make decisions that impact my lifetime for the sake of momentary situations.

Ignore Jibo there are plenty of us that would have been far better off without a sibling/s.

I think your reasoning is just tbh, imagine being ill with 2 sick children, it's horrendous.
Don't underestimate the long term affect stress has on you.

I think you're being a bit over dramatic! Colds don't keep kids off nursery, unlucky with the sickness bugs. Plus kids are different. DD1 had constant ear infections so was off a fair bit plus all the normal childhood illnesses. DD2 and DD3 not so much. DD3 has been at nursery full time since jan 2022 and only had 3 days off for two seperate sickness episodes.

I do agree with this . As an ex Nursery manager though I do feel the level of hygiene has really gone done in some nursery settings . That aside, because people pay for the services , it’s a catch 22 as working parents need to work, so will often send in children who are really unwell and should not be in nursery. I have many a take of that and down would make you wonder why these so called parents had children in the first place.
Good luck op but definitely think about a Nanny. I wouldn’t send my child to any nursery these days and as I say I am a former manager of one!

No, colds don't keep DS off nursery, only temperature or D&V does, but me catching constant colds and even D&V myself, leads to underperforming at my job for a few days and a stressful backlog.

I feel totally in control of managing parenthood with work in the spring summer, but in the autumn and winter it all goes to shit.

It’s not unreasonable but leaving it longer won’t always help. I waited 7 years. My first dd was constantly ill for the first two years of life. When she went to school barely ever ill then as soon as I had another when she was 7 she was constantly sick and bringing things home. You just can’t plan for these things.

Ignore this. You’re not denying them a sibling. Your existing family is a priority.