Stopping at 1 child due to stress from nursery illnesses

[PersistentSniffles]

I was wondering if this has tipped anyone else into being one and done? DH and I have an almost 2 year old, we both work full time, and have no family help nearby. Switching from nursery to a nanny is not an option, because it's not within our budget.

This is DS's second nursery winter (he started last October), and I have already had two colds and a flu bug since Sept. DS has been unable to go in to nursery twice due to D&V, leading DH and me tag teaming around online meetings and working until the small hours to catch up. The stress of having to juggle when DS can't go to nursery, and also being constantly sick myself and falling behind on work due to feeling rough, is really wearing me down.

I just don't understand how anyone could possibly hold down a job with more than one child getting sick and passing on viruses to you, as well as having two being being frequently sent home from nursery due to illnesses (presumably at different times, and with different bugs).

One thing I would say is that with DC2, DH and I don't tend to catch the bugs ourselves any more (having had them all with DC1) so it's easier on that score. DC1 is at school now and rarely ill, so it does pass.

My 2 year old doesn’t go to nursery and he often has a cold 🤷‍♀️

I’ve felt the same. It’s a lot and we don’t have the energy for another one. DD is 3 and a half and it seems like there is always something wrong.

Completely agree, all the Illnesses with my 2 year old and myself it's so hard to hold down a full time job. It definitely puts me off having anymore I feel like I'm barely surviving as it is. Plus when I'm sick myself looking after a toddler is struggle enough in itself without having a baby to contend with. I totally hear you I don't know how others do it.

Yeah it's fucking awful OP, I won't lie. And a few people have said DC2+ got less sick through more earlier illnesses etc. That wasn't the case for us. He just got the earlier illnesses (not loads like) and then was even more ill than DD had ever been. He was ill literally every other week through almost the whole winter. That included 4 A&E visits, two of which he was sent there by the GP, and one time I took him and he was admitted and on oxygen for a few days. I had to push the start date of a new job back because of this, DH used almost a whole year's annual leave entitlement over the winter months just off sick with the kids which was usually the baby. Also our kids almost never get ill at the same time, they either catch it off each other in a staggered way (and then we often do as well, which is an added nightmare), or they just get different things at different times.

Frankly, total stressful nightmare.

And yet, we are ttc no.3!!!

I also found dc2 better for viruses, although he did go to a childminder first, then preschool. Maybe that was the key or maybe it was just luck, or maybe he'd already had everything after dc1 brought it home.

Anyway, it's a perfectly fine reason to stop at one. I wouldn't have any more now unless a total surprise and then I'd find a way to SAH tbh. Working ft with 2 dcs is hard work.

it sounds like you haven’t got over the worst of dc1 so it’s probably hard for you to make a decision when haven’t yet experienced the light at the end of the very dark tunnel!

It does come. They go to school and get sick so much less, and sleep through and start doing their own thing more.

It is a struggle though that you can’t understand unless you’ve been in that position.

Its utterly grim, if we didn't catch everything it would be slightly more bearable. I thought we had decent immune systems but that was a joke. Truly depressing.
We are in winter 2 of nursery and praying this is better but I've had 3 viruses back to back so probably not.

Sorry meant to add its definitely one of the reasons we think we will stick at 1. Seeing people further up the thread say its just 4 miserable winters with 2 does not bring me any comfort at all!

I completely get where you are coming from and it's one of the main things putting me off a 2nd. My DC has literally had back to back illnesses the past 2 months and on one particulary bad night, my main thought was that I was so relieved I didn't have a second child to deal with on top of it.

There's nothing wrong with having an only child and siblings aren't all they are cracked up to be. I have a twin and to most people we should have this magical bond and be closer than close yet I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire. I grew up much closer to my friends and they are my chosen family!

It is really hard when they’re in the smaller rooms at nursery.
it gets so much better when they’re out of the skanky lick everything rooms.
yea you’ll have to go through it again with another but mine are almost 5 and almost 3.5 now and yes we have illness but it is way more manageable.
im currently unwell but I’ve at least had some time off work to recover whilst at school / preschool and I’m not paying for them to be off cos they’re now free!

Also I’d add. Two is so much harder than one. If you’re on the fence then don’t do it I say. I am jealous of friends only having one to juggle! (Even tho my girls are so lucky to have each other)

I’m not sure nursery illness would be a deciding factor as the time is so short lived. But YANBU to be one and done. We were on the fence for a long time but ultimately had a second. It’s hard juggling illness. Be kind to yourself, if you’d been sick pre children I assume you wouldn’t have been up until the early hours catching up. That’s ridiculous, if you’re sick, you’re sick.

I wonder if it's a global rite of passage or if some warmer countries have it easier? No idea.

Not all kids catch everything going though. My children are not prone to sickness bugs, and have had them rarely. I have read that blood type can determine how likely you are to catch them though. Only one of my children has caught a lot of illness and that is the asthmatic who has a lowered immune system from steroids. The others I don't even remember them being ill while in nursery. I really don't think it's an every child thing to always be ill. Also there is an option of sharing a nanny or a childminder with a small group.

Pre-kid I used to commute into London every day on packed trains. Rarely got ill - maybe one bad cold per year. 10 years of that, and then I had a kid in nursery and bam, ill every other week in winter. It was truly grim.

My child went to a childminder and still got every bug going during winter. She was taken out to playgroups and mixed with plenty of other kids so this definitely isn't specific to nursery. Everyone I know (whether kids went to a CM or nursery) went through this phase where their kids caught lots bugs like hand, foot and mouth, croup or a variety of other unspecified viruses causing high temps meaning they couldn't go in. It's really tough and makes working really hard especially if you get sick too! You have my sympathies Op. Its an unavailable part of having small kids. Ultimately, having an only is a perfectly good choice as is having another and having to go through it all over again.

I would also add that in our western work focussed world these bugs are extremely inconvenient and difficult to juggle alongside work but they are an essential part of children building immunity. I think we've lost sight of that a bit. It's just unavoidable. In the absense of the villages who used to raise our kids, we need a work culture that is flexible and enables both parents to take turns taking time out to care for their children as and when it's needed.

I hear you OP. We were in a similar position.

Our son developed some medical problems at around 2 which were hugely exacerbated by winter bugs. Also spring and summer allergies. So yeah, not fun times dealing with a constantly sick child, hospital admissions etc. He was literally getting really poorly on a 4-6 week rotation!

We were already pretty decided on just having one child any way, again we both work full time, very limited family help. Illnesses were just another thing to add to the list of reasons!

Please do NOT feel guilty about 'denying' your child a sibling. You have to take into account your own happiness, coping skills and lack of support from wider family. Three very big factors imo.

This is encouraging, as my DS is due to move to the older kids room at nursery soon.

DS2 was definitely more ill in the first year, catching everything going from his sister. However, there’s 3.5 years between them so by the time mat leave ended DD1 was in school so well out of that phase, and DS had built up a decent immune system. He is 2.5 now hasn’t missed a day of nursery so far this year (attends every day mix of full days and half days).

It is so hard, I can understand how you must be so exhausted and stressed.

my eldest is in year 7 and has a health condition. It was very tough until he was in reception year and then it all settled. My younger one is in reception now, and it’s not too bad. It does get better.

We had a childminder so I’m convinced this led to fewer illnesses! Also I changed the hand towels almost daily when the kids were toddlers, plus we all took vitamin D year-round for immunity. We were also fastidious about handwashing, ventilating the house etc. Not saying there weren’t pesky bugs but we didn’t seem to fare as badly as other families we knew.

Working FT when your children are small and you’re all getting ill is just bloody exhausting. It does pass!

I completely agree with this @Blughbablugh

Talk to your nursery anout their indoor air quality. How much do they ventilate the room? Do they run HEPA filters? Clean air makes a difference to rates of infection for airborne viruses which includes COVID, colds, flu, chicken pox, whooping cough and more.

Here's a scientific paper you can show them. https://www.newscientist.com/article/2398713-schools-cut-covid-19-sick-days-by-20-per-cent-using-hepa-air-filters/

Also vaccinate your child against all the diseases you can even if optional- chicken pox, flu... It's worth it.

Finally, remember that COVID is damaging to the immune system so will make you and your child more susceptible to other illnesses. Which is why good indoor air hygiene is vital.