Mums now in their 60s who had children late 30s/40s

[Raaraaaaa9]

Hello,

I have developed an awful anxiety about my age and my children. I had my youngest at 38 and I just get in a panic about how he will only be early 20's when I am in my 60s and potentially won't get to enjoy his adult years for as long as I have had my mum. I worry about getting ill when they are teens and god for bid them having to look after me or their father (3 years older). I am sad that this is how I think and can't enjoy the now. Started councelling but just wondering those of yiu who are in their 60s can give me some positive insights!

Do you think rather than 'slowing down' in her 40s, your mum was just struggling with life with two young children ? As many people do? Otherwise there must have been a quite significant change in her health at some point to be this healthy now. When she retired perhaps ?

I get the worry, I often find myself counting how much longer i need to live for my kids to be 24…But worrying wont help!

Same, @user14699084660 , my Mum died when I was in my 20’s and it’s made me determined to hang on until my youngest is at least 30. So I’ve got another 15 years min. to go. 😂 It spurs me to look after myself and I’d never skip a medical checkup, such as a mammogram, for example.

I know that my DH, who still has both his parents, doesn’t think like that. It does change your perspective.

I had my eldest at 34 and my youngest at 36. I'm now 62 and they are 26 and 28.
Other than hoping for grandchildren before I get too old to help look after them, I don't foresee any problems at all.

Aside from illnesses that are beyond our control, I wonder if there is a mentality amongst a lot of older parents that they don't wish to be seen that way? So there is a concerted effort to keep fit and up to date in terms of culture, music, clothes etc

Had my three at 35, 38 & 40. Now late 50's. I'd just say try to harness your anxiety and use it to make the best choices for your health. I've kept fit and active, eat healthily and am in good shape. There are no guarantees at any age. It crosses my mind that I might not see as much of their adulthood and of grandchildren as if I were younger, but the current life expectancy of a woman my age is 93! So maybe not so bad after all.

There's really no point in worrying about what you can't change, we had our DS in our early 40s ... we are mid 60s now with a a 23 year old. There are many advantages .. more financial security, more time (we are both retired now) .. we are lucky to be fit and healthy and DH & DS play sport, go to the gym together etc (many younger parents don't do that!). My own DM is still around at 90 and in good health so we have loads of happy family times. DS going out to lunch with her tomorrow - they will both enjoy that!

I know 'youngish' parents who are absolutely exhausted from having to work every hour and have no time/enthusiasm to spend with their DC. There are pros and cons to every decision in life.

My mother had me at 35 and she lived to be 88. She was only in care in the last year or so of her life. My father did get Alzheimer's and he was hospitalised/in a dementia unit which was bad luck but it was relatively early onset. He lived to be 89 too. I used to worry about my parents dying but lots of my friends with younger parents lost their parents earlier through sickness or in one case an accident. I think you just have to appreciate what you have now.

It's not a biggy, my ds is at the age and stage you are worrying about, all is good. She did have a horrible time when they were little , she didn't recognise the start of peri and was debilitated by anxiety for years.
I had mine at a similar age, but on hrt.

That's probably part of it, but also basic socioeconomic status comes into it. People who go to university and build a career are more likely to be affluent, more likely to have children later, more likely to have good health outcomes. People who don't go to university are more likely to have children early, be less affluent, and have worse health outcomes.

Hi I was the child of older parents. My mum was 39 (my age now 😬) very nearly 40 and my Dad a few years older. Look, I don't want to offend any older parents out there because this was just my own experience and of course, these were the 80s & 90s but I massively disagree with them having had me when they did.

My parents were 40 and 49, both heavy smokers, so I lost them at a relatively young age, so I understand where you are coming from @SquirrelFeeder. I wanted to complete my family by the age of 30, but it just didn't happen. DD was born when I was 41.

One of my godfathers favourite sayings was “there’s been a lot of worry in my life that never happened”

I must remember that @user14699084660

I worry similarly having had my two at aged 39 and 41. Sounds basic but the thing that makes me feel better is thinking that in reality I’m only older than what I’m my mind aid view as a more standard age to have kids by about 3 years and that’s really not that much! I think I had in my head that it was this huge thing but it’s really not much of a difference.

I had mine at 35 and 39. I wouldn't have been ready to have them before that (financially, emotionally, practically.) The alternative is not to have had them at all for fear of the future. Would you really make that choice? Remember that the present is the only thing that is real. The future is just your imagination. Anything can happen before/instead of that future. Concentrate on what you know: a child that you adore and who you can give a happy life to

I'm 62 with dc aged 27 and 30. The eldest has some SEN and although he lives independently I still need to keep an eye on him, make sure bills are paid and do a bit of housework. My youngest just dropped in asking if I could give him a lift to collect a vehicle, as I was cooking tea and had plenty he has just ate with us, it certainly still feels like the help is going down the generations not up at the moment.
I am still working and hope to continue until I get state pension in 4 years time then hopefully have a good few years of active retirement if I'm lucky.
My own parents were 30 and 38 when I was born, they died within a few months of each other when I was 52. I would say it was probably the last 5 years when I was 47-52 when they were needing help.
Its impossible to predict the future but the best thing you can do is try to live a healthy lifestyle and hopefully you will be running around with your grandchildren one day.

Why post that on a thread started by an anxious 'older' mother who already has her children?

My parents were 37 and 38 when I was born. They were a bit older than most of my friends' parents - except maybe when I was friends with the youngest in the family. It didn't make any difference to me. They were fit and active when they were in their 60s - dad retired and they went off on holidays with friends etc and had a lovely time. Minded my nephew one day a week. My kids were born when I was in my 30s (last one at 37) and they were well able to enjoy them too - we have loads of photos of dad down on the floor playing with them. My sister and I had to deal with their old age and final illnesses when we were in our 40s. It was fine. I'd love them to still be here but that's the way it goes. Mil had her two youngest at 40 and 41. She is still going strong and did an incredible amount of childminding for her youngest son's baby when she was in her 70s.

This is anxiety OP or maybe a bit of sadness about the years passing by. It will be fine. you'll see your children grow up, you'll see their children, if they have them, you'll be able to support and help them in their early 20s. it will be fine.

I had my dd when we were 38, she's 24 and I'm 62. Earlier this summer I did a yacht sailing course with her. She's joined us for some hillwalking during the summer.

OP
I'm 61 nearly 62 and next week my dd turns 19.
I have no idea how long I will live but none of us do.
The trick to a happy life is focusing on the positive things you do have rather than worrying about things you can't change or have no control over.
I've never felt different to the parents of her peers. Our ages might be different but so what?There hasn't been a single thing they did that I haven't been able to do (if I wanted).
I understand that feeling of anxiety about potentially not being around as long as most of her peers could expect to have living parents but there are parents we know who sadly died before their precious dcs even made it to 18.

Focus on what you have and what your dc have.
Enjoy the here and now and cherish the little things everday. Hopefully your counsellor will help you.
Build your dcs confidence and resilience, not because you are an older parent, but because that's what children need in life.

Wow, thank you everyone. I've read all of your posts and each one has really helped gain some perspective. I know I need to focus on the present and positives. My anxiety is a relatively new thing since the death of my lovely dad at 63 and it made me look at my boys and panic.

I really do appreciate you all commenting.

I'm really sorry to hear about your Dad .
It's no wonder you have been faced with this anxiety now. Grief is a complex beast. It's good you have accessed support. I really wish you well

I’m sorry to hear that. Did he die suddenly? I was terrified that I was going to die (high risk pregnancy, I was 39) and just went down a deep pit of unresolved ivf angst as well as unresolved grief from when my grandmother died (she basically raised us, and died suddenly at 64). CBT helped. It was my psychiatrist who said there are no guarantees in life other than this - if you let your fear of death overwhelm you, you definitely won’t be happy.

Definitely try to get some therapy or help before you get pregnant. As it can quickly turn into postnatal anxiety after you have the baby.

I'm not sure how this will go but my mum was 38 when she had me and unfortunately I lost her when she was 69, she was well and fit until she got cancer. Worked all her life, travelled, remarried, had a wonderful social life. I am now the age my mother was when she had me and my poor children support me every day because of my health. I feel sad for them.... my point is that you never know the cards you'll get dealt. Enjoy your children and let them enjoy you.... age really is just a number

My mum was 35 when she had me, my dad was 30. Similar story with DHs parents.

I'm 38 and at 72, mum's still reasonably healthy and only takes one tablet for a health issue. My dad is super fit at 67 (like he could run rings round most 35 year olds) My in laws both healthy and going strong too.

I'll be in my 60s when DD is still a teenager. I don't worry about it. My parents had me in their 20s. Dad died really young my Mom is in her 80s going strong. It is what it is.

Easy to say but. you're wasting the time you do have worrying... just enjoy the now. I think having children does make you suddenly see your own mortality. All we can do is accept that we won't be here forever and prepare our children for life.

I had mine at 35 & 39. Although some things worry me, like we're not in sync with the other, younger families around us (demographic here is have them young), the most annoying is the ageism comments I get from them. I wish maybe I'd had DC five years earlier but not younger than that.

Now in our mid-late 40's, I am glad DH & I waited & did all the things we wanted. DH parents were young (early 20's) when he was born & had/have terrible health and could barely leave the house at 60 (lifestyle choices). MIL passed last year & FIL relies heavily on DH for help. His health is poor and he can no longer drive. My parents are late 70's early 80's and still walk 10km, DF rides his bike, drive, hobbies, and are fully independent. BUT are only a few years away from needing increased care. DH & I live locally and have lazy, selfish siblings so will be doing the care. So we're essentially chained here & going away for long periods will become impossible. If we hadn't done the travel etc we wanted in our 20's we'd never be doing it.

So just a purely selfish perspective, but glad I did!

It really is the luck of the draw. I had my two when I was 29 and 34. I'm nearly 54 now and have had bad health for the last 7 years. I need more surgery but can't have it until the gland/glands involved show up on a scan so the rotten buggers can be removed! If my kids had kids now I would not be able to look after them at all, sadly. I have severe bone pain, osteoporosis, sciatica, chronic insomnia, chronic fatigue, muscle weakness and high blood pressure. (There are more symptoms as well but they're the worst!). The good thing is my kids are now adults but it has been hard for them. Especially my eldest who sort of took on my role with her younger sister even though she was barely an adult herself and as I was a single parent she had no other adult help. In fact she had just started her Leaving Certificate the time I had an emergency hysterectomy for pv haemorrhage, indirectly caused by the current medical condition I have, but she managed to pass it and now has a honours degree.