Mums now in their 60s who had children late 30s/40s

[Raaraaaaa9]

Hello,

I have developed an awful anxiety about my age and my children. I had my youngest at 38 and I just get in a panic about how he will only be early 20's when I am in my 60s and potentially won't get to enjoy his adult years for as long as I have had my mum. I worry about getting ill when they are teens and god for bid them having to look after me or their father (3 years older). I am sad that this is how I think and can't enjoy the now. Started councelling but just wondering those of yiu who are in their 60s can give me some positive insights!

Yes. My children have both had friends whose dads died when they were in secondary. It is an increased risk with older parents. A large number have also had parents with cancer etc

My mum had me at 25. She died aged 52. Enjoy your children now.

Ageing is personal. Generally there’s a trend among mums that the older you are when you have your last baby the longer and more healthier you will live — it’s the case for both IVF and natural births.

Do you think it would have been preferable to have been 11 or 12 or the age that you were?

I had my little boy when I was 40 (for various reasons) but all the women in my family lived into their 90s and were active and independent for most of their lives, so I plan on trying my best to do the same x

I think it depends on the parent really.

My dad was in his sixties when I was born: a gorgeous, gentle, loving and amazing dad; since he was retired he has huge amounts of time for us. He was fit and active, engaged with the world but of course I was aware he was older. He remained fit and well until he unexpectedly became ill and died suddenly age 80. I was in my late teens and distraught but I wouldn't swop those years with him for anyone else.

Conversely, my mother was very young and for various reasons, struggled hugely to be a parent and was deficient in many ways. My dad has been dead for more than 20 years; my mum is retired but young, active and fit for her age. My relationship with her is not close, dutiful really. And some siblings are NC with her, I guess I'm LC.

Age doesn't have anything to do with it. The fact you're thinking about it shows your commitment to being the best parent you can. You'll be grand!

I had my kids in my late thirties so similar situation. I just keep myself fit and well and keep my fingers crossed!

I do understand your worry. But my Dad was in his 20’s when I born and died aged 61, so you never know. I’m still heartbroken he never met his GC. I had my youngest at 36. It does worry me, if I die at 61 like my Dad my son will only be 25. So I eat well and exercise. I’m a healthy weight and look after myself. I don’t actually wish I had them when I was younger because they wouldn’t be the children I have now and I wasn’t ready!

My Dad always said you can only play with the cards you’ve been dealt. There’s no point wishing for something else.

I have developed an awful anxiety about my age and my children. I had my youngest at 38 and I just get in a panic about how he will only be early 20's when I am in my 60s and potentially won't get to enjoy his adult years for as long as I have had my mum. I worry about getting ill when they are teens and god for bid them having to look after me or their father (3 years older). I am sad that this is how I think and can't enjoy the now. Started councelling but just wondering those of yiu who are in their 60s can give me some positive insights!

I had my children at 39 & 41 after 17yrs of fertility problems. DH was 47 & 49. Our boys are now 21 & 24.

They are amazing boys. Independent, happy, confident. We are fit and healthy in our mid 60s (apart from the fact that I need a knee replacement) and have both recently retired. We have a great relationship with our sons, spend plenty of family time together. We have planned, as a family, for the future if we end up needing care both emotionally and financially.

Neither of our boys has given us a moments trouble.

DH's mum died when she was 96, living in her own home independently and needing no care until the last couple of weeks of her life. My own mum is in her 80s and also lives independently and enjoys life.

Being an older parent isn't doom and gloom. It's just the same as everyone else. There's no way of knowing what the future brings, we have had many friends die young from cancer leaving behind children ranging from 6 to early 20s.

It's good that you are seeking counselling, it would be a real shame if by keep trying to predict the future you miss out on the present.

I had my last one at 36 and have never given a moments thought to apparently being an older parent. I considered and do consider myself fairly young

Similar to what others have said, you need to take this anxiety and use it in a healthier way to push you to stay fit and active, have plenty of hobbies and 'things to do'. Age is just a number but you have start looking after yourself and seeking out that longevity.

I can give the flip side with my mum being 36 & 42 when she had me and my sister.

In all honesty it’s never came across as an issue, I feel she brought a level of maturity into motherhood by being older which has reflected in me and my sister being really independent and self sufficient. She fully wanted kids and there was no resentment between her and my dad over one having more free time then the other because they was a solid team.

I think it effects my dad a little bit more then my mum, he always reiterated to us “he won’t be here forever” and made us be really self sufficient ie very few lifts, asked to help around the house regularly - we also helped a lot with DIY projects so we learnt some “practical” skills 😂.

I had my youngest in my late 30s and DH is a few years older. I don't worry about aging or how I will be as I get older because my dad was 25 when my sister was born and 29 when I was. He died when I was 25. His lifestyle choices were a huge factor in his premature death. My mum on the other hand is fit, healthy and still working at nearly 70. My grandad lived till his mid 80s. There is no guarantees in life.

I had DD at 41. Healthwise at nearly 65 I am fine. I walk, cycle, work part time and do a lot of volunteering and keeping up with hobbies and other interests.

My main concern is that DD has taken a couple of gap years to work before she does a post grad degree and we will probably have to support her financially for a couple of years before she becomes completely financially independent. She stayed in her university city to live and work after graduating and is perfectly capable of looking after herself from a life skills point of view.

As far as I was concerned, being an older parent, I was desperate for her to be independent and to be able to look after herself, so she went to university able to cook proper meals, use a washing machine, budget etc. Things like sorting out council tax came after she graduated.

@Raaraaaaa9 my only advice is to look after yourself healthwise - eat a good balanced diet, make sure you don't pile on the pounds, exercise and keep your brain lively.

My dad was 42 and my mother was 36 when I was born. We had a great relationship but I spent so my angst on anticipatory grief. Enjoy your parents. Have a good time with them and just spend time with them xxx

My mum had me late, and I subsequently had dc late (40). My mum was 74 when dc was born and had maintained her fitness so she was happy looking after him at the toddler stage. She regularly played with him in the garden etc. DC’s other grandparents are a good 15 years younger than my mum and had their dc younger but hadn’t maintained their health as such past the baby phase they couldn’t do much with any of their grandchildren. I wouldn’t concentrate on age but on physical fitness (my mum would regularly walk 5km per day as her walk) and mental agility (regularly reading, hobbies etc). My mum died at 80 but physically fitter than inlaws.

I’m 69, DH is 73. DC are 30 and 27. DH developed cardiac problems at 58 and is still going strong, does both DC s hedges and ours , one is about 100 yards. We moved them both last year, negotiating furniture up and down stairs. Several of my work colleagues said I was way ahead of them with technology and apps as the kids showed me, same with music. Really enjoy their company, good job really as they like to come on cruises with us.

being older parents meant we were financially stable when they were young as well.

Hi we're both 60, we've had a great time celebrating our birthdays, lots of partying etc. We still go to gigs, meals out, weekends away etc, age is just a number, our daughter's 24, we're out more than she is 😊. If you think yourself old you will be, all my friends are early sixties and we're having a great time. Don't worry, just think young and you will be.

A lot of it is the individual attitude you have. I had old parents and they died when I was a teenager. I’ve just always been glad they had me-I’ve had a good life and feel very lucky to have been born and have my gorgeous children. Life really is too short to resent your parents for not being the perfect age. Life is never perfect-you deal with the hand you’ve been dealt and make the best of it. My dad was 60 when I was born-sure we couldn’t really relate to each other when I became a teenager but I had friends for that. People can lose parents at any age-2 of my dd’s friends lost their mothers to cancer when still in primary school.

I'm 54, my son is 12. I'm a lone parent and he has SN. I had breast cancer when he was 8. I look young, I'm told, I'm very fit and exercise daily (inc strength training) and we do loads together. I can't worry about everything or the "what ifs". What is the point? I do my best to stay healthy. I've made a will and there are guardians in place. Otherwise, you just get on with life as best you can.

My parents had me at 39 (DM) and 35 (DF). At the time they were a good decade older than any of my friends' parents which was pretty noticeable. They were quite old fashioned in comparison to other parents, not really in touch.

I did not want to have kids so late but didn't meet DH til later and ended up having them at 35 and 37, so not much younger than my mum. It's not what I would have chosen but times are different now. I will just try hard to stay fit and in touch.

I didn't worry about my parents dying when I was younger, but I do worry about something happening to me as I approach 50; i know a lot of people in their 50s with illnesses.

It's hard having older parents. I am 47, they are 81 and 86 and need a lot of support, but my DC are preteens and need me a lot too. I have just got back from a day helping them to take DD to gymnastics. They became grandparents in their 70s and were too tired by then to be hands on. DH's parents are the same age and also getting infirm. We go over on our own at weekends to help them. Other friends are still getting help from their parents which I am quite jealous of! I know it's unreasonable .. they have been good parents.

Downsides:
Less energy for grandkids so less involved
Not as many years left with kids/grandkids
Out of touch with modern life

Upsides:
For the child, me, I can't see any, other than they didn't pressure or expect me to settle down early. I suppose they were more financially stable than they would have been but they didn't have a high income.

I'm on the other side as my parents were older when I was born. I'm number 3 of 4 siblings, and was born nearly 13years after my sister (sibling 2). My mum was in her mid 30s when she had me. Dad was in his late 40s. They have both passed now (4yrs ago and 6yrs ago), but both were fit and well up to just days before they died. Dad was up to scratch with technology, and was very active and outgoing, Mum too (apart from the technology!). I think it is down to attitude, and they were both fab. I loved having them as my parents! I remember as a kid realising that they were older than my friends' parents but it didn't really bother me.

I’m 66 and my younger just finished Uni.

My parents lived independently and were active grandparents until they were 90.

I have been rock climbing, zip lining, camping, and canoeing with my Dc all the way through their teens. Now they come to me with suggestions for exhibitions to go to , restaurants to try and we have great discussions about music, films, politics.

I am in great health, go to the gym, do long distance hiking, sea swimming.

OP: if you have a worrying anxiety prone disposition you will find something to dwell on.

No reason to think you won’t have a great time with your Dc as they grow to adulthood.

Unless you wreck it by worrying about things that haven’t happened.

One of my godfathers favourite sayings was “there’s been a lot of worry in my life that never happened” its just chance OP, you might live till your 100, you might not see next weekend.
Of course, you can improve your odds by not smoking, drinking and eating crap, but even then, i think its mostly luck.

My parents were 38 and 48 when i was born, both died before i was 24. (Non smokers/drinkers, fit and well, until cancer changed that…) Which made my cut off age for having kids 30, but i was fortunate to meet DH when we were young. I get the worry, I often find myself counting how much longer i need to live for my kids to be 24…
But worrying wont help!
Get some good life insurance - at least then you know they’ll be ok for money at least.

I had mine at 30 and 38. DH is 7 years older than me.
Having done lots of things before starting a family I was happy to move enthusiastically into motherhood. Loved every stage except 17yo DS and 12yo DD, but that’s adolescence for you.
Being financially better off in our 40s than our 20s we were able to offer more opportunities like field trips or extra books to support school, or private music and sports lessons. They had great childhoods IMO!
We have no family support network and don’t move in powerful circles so we made it very clear that they need to be on a pathway to a well paid career by the time we snuff it. As late as possible obviously.
DS is basically independent now. DD is still at school and has been indulged more as the precious late-in-life child, but she’s under no illusion that she’ll need to work her way up.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll get to see my grandchildren but I come from three generations of older mothers who all lived to do that. I have no intention of being a hands-on granny anyway. I hope our kids will be enjoying themselves somewhere else without feeling any obligations towards us.
OP, I wouldn’t have done it any other way.

I had my youngest at 39 and it's not something that bothers me too much but that's perhaps because on my side of the family we seem to live quite long and independent lives.
I'm seeing it as a positive at the moment to be be honest. We will be starting to pay school fees next year (moving eldest in upper primary) and we will both be 57 in DDs (youngest) final school year. Which means after 11 years of fees we can access our pension, repay our mortgage and have some breathing space.