Mums now in their 60s who had children late 30s/40s

[Raaraaaaa9]

Hello,

I have developed an awful anxiety about my age and my children. I had my youngest at 38 and I just get in a panic about how he will only be early 20's when I am in my 60s and potentially won't get to enjoy his adult years for as long as I have had my mum. I worry about getting ill when they are teens and god for bid them having to look after me or their father (3 years older). I am sad that this is how I think and can't enjoy the now. Started councelling but just wondering those of yiu who are in their 60s can give me some positive insights!

Circumstances vary so much you can't compare really.
My parents were 30 and 37 when I was born. dad died at 60 when I was 22, my mum is still fit and active at 76 now.
So I do get your fear ( I had my final child at 36 and am worried also).
But you just don't know, also 30"s is very much child baring naturally age
But I do worry about the child when I see late 40's plus having babies as that is pushing natural conception, perhaps we should consider why nature stops us having babies in our 40's???

My in-laws were older when they had my husband and his brothers. They’re in their late 70’s now but they are fit and well, babysit regularly and are always out and about enjoying life.

My parents had me young and while they are hands on grandparents, they weren’t financially or emotionally ready to be parents when they had me. The difference in parenting between what I received and what my younger siblings revived is very stark and it’s caused a lot of bitterness and resentment over the years.

I'm late 60s and had my three at 35, 38, and 40 (so they are 34, 32 and 29 at present). Incidentally, back to the time I was first pregnant, I found that in our NCT class I was the middle of five age-wise, so by no means the eldest then even at 35.

I feel I had the benefit of an established career and the confidence that being a slightly older mum brought. Fortunately, we are all fit and well now, but who knows when any of my offspring will actually decide to have babies! I would like to be a grandmother at some stage, though at the moment I'm enjoying the freedom that I have, particularly to travel overseas to visit my two daughters.

I do believe it isn't all down to luck as there are many ways to increase the chance of good health in later life. I go to the gym six days per week, cook from scratch, and grow my own veg. I also cut drinking on a regular basis (so no glass of wine every evening) and improved my sleep patterns. It all takes a bit of effort but the results are so worth it. There are lots of excellent books and podcasts on longevity and improving life chances that are worth reading/listening to.

My ex-husband (the children's father), now 70, hasn't aged quite so well, though there are factors that have influenced this. He smoked until five years ago, is overweight, resulting in pre-diabetes and high blood pressure, and is definitely slowing down physically. He still has a penchant for baked goods and snacking though.

Given the choice, I'd probably do it all this way again, though it would have been nice to have a few more years between the children growing up and my retirement. I still have one at home too!

Stop it. Wouldn't it all be lovely if people would meet their partners early have kids and live long lives to be around to watch their grandkids grow up? But life doesn't work that way. And you don't know what the future holds. My husband had his first couple of kids early 30s, his two with me mid 40s. He died at 51.
I had mine in my early 40s. They are 18 and 20 now. Sure I could live til I'm 80 plus, or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.
You are alive now, you take care of your health - that's the best you can do. Concentrate on what you have, not on what might happen.

My Mum had me at 36 (I am now 63). Both struggled with long term health problems from their 40's and they seemed much older than their actual ages - but that is just how it was for them. I had my children later - first at 42 and both of us have made a conscious effort to stay fit. I know you can't prevent chronic illness but you can stay fit. I used to feel 'old' when the children were young (now in their 20's) but now I look at those young mums I used to envy who are now mid menopause, many in poorer health than me and the gap doesn't feel as big. Having said all of this I do hope that if my children have families they start them a bit younger (it wasn't through choice that I was in my 40's) because overall I think it easer. OP to me you are young

theres some people who are old in there 60s and others who don't seem old at 80

my Aunt is nearing 80 and honestly you'd guess she is 65 - she's out with me all the time and i go on holidays with her and my mum every year

it's totally impossible to know what you will be like in 20 years - best you can do is try stay healthy and active and still be in good health when you are older!

What’s made you start feeling anxious about this OP? You mention you are seeking therapy.

Maybe try to focus on the things you can control. Your children are here at the age you had them. That’s done.

So rather than think about how old you will be at different stages of their lives, think about how you can best make sure you stay energetic and active as you and they get older. 65 and sparky and fit is very different from 50 and overweight. If you don’t already have an exercise / sports regime you should start. Be motivated by your kids to keep it up. Don’t forget weights (my ageless Mum’s favourite book “strong women stay young”).

Keep being open and interested in the world. What “old” looks like these days is very different to our grandparents’ time. My parents (and stepmother) all had kids in their 30s and 40s. A healthy, vibrant 60s and 70s is very possible.

My pil had dp at 25 or less. Now hes 45 and they are 70 fil looks like hes getti g dementia. Whereas my parents are 80 and ok at moment
My mum has been ill from 50 as she smoked she had heart attack.

But both fil and my dad have had prostate cancer starting from 70.
Mine has though already lived another 10y.

There's not an awful lot you can do about what age you'll be when they are adults, is there? You can try and look after yourself of course but there's no guarantee on the health side.

My DM was 36 and my DF 38 when they had me and that was considered pretty ancient in the 1970s, when I was a kid all my friends' parents were ten years younger or more. Now it's quite normal. My mum is still around in her 80s and fit and well, and I'm late 40s, my dad died aged 81 a few years ago and was pretty well until the last couple of years of his life. Why I say there's no guarantee is my dad was really into sport and fitness, never drank much and never smoked and he died first. Whereas my mum is now 83, had a heart attack 30 years ago, smoked 20 a day until then, doesn't do much exercise and is overweight and diabetic (though well with it). Try not to worry, it's a perfectly normal age to have children.

DH and I had our DC in our late 30s/early 40s and are now in our late 60s/early 70s. We are as fit as fleas, full of life and energy and expect to have many more years to enjoy our DC and, hopefully grandchildren if they come along. Enjoy your family and try not to worry about the future - often it's even better than we expect (or fear).

My parents had me when they were 39 and 45. I'm 51, both parents are in their 90s. They've only started to need help in the past 2 years. My DH's mum had him at 21. She sadly died from cancer aged 47. There's no rhyme or reason sometimes OP. All we can do is do our best to stay fit and healthy. Don't waste time worrying about it (easier said than done, I know).

My parents are very unwell with long term health issues and they wouldn't be able to look after my DC at all. My dad needs a carer.
They're 64 and 65.

My partner's parents are incredibly fit, mentally sharp and they have a zest for life. They look after my DC all the time and I don't see this stopping any time soon.
They're 65 and 66.

Age is but a number.

MIL is 47 years older than DH. Him being an adult as she is older means he can care for her more sensibly, and is old enough to realise he needs to spend quality time with her.

My mum was 19 when she had me, and has been chronically ill since my birth. Age is a number, not a guarantee.

DH has v young parents, they were busy working when my kids were young and in fact are only semi retired now after my youngest has left for uni. My parents are 10 years older but actually fitter than my In- laws and were able to be around more when the kids were little, come to school things and birthday parties etc. There are some advantages to having older grandparents.

I had two children in my 20s and my daughter when I was 40 and Dh was 45. My dd is now 31 and I look after my grandson after school and will look after my new grandchild who is due in March when dd goes back to work after maternity leave.

I am still healthy (with the help of medication) and do my best to keep fit for my grandchildren. My dds mil died just after my grandson was born, of brain tumour, at 57 and her fil suffered a very severe stroke earlier this year at the age of 63 so now Dh and I are really the only grandparents available to look after grand children so I am determined to do my best to keep fit for as long as possible.

My parents died at 91 and 85 so I hope I can keep going as long.

Hi I was the child of older parents. My mum was 39 (my age now 😬) very nearly 40 and my Dad a few years older.
Look, I don't want to offend any older parents out there because this was just my own experience and of course, these were the 80s & 90s but I massively disagree with them having had me when they did.

I do have an older sibling but that 4 year head start he got, seemed to have made all the difference for him in comparison to my upbringing (I mean, I could do quite a bit more 4 years ago than I can now 🤷🏼‍♀️).

My parents were already slowing down. That 40-45 year age difference between them & I, was just so vast. We couldn't relate at all, in any way.
My sibling & I ended up losing one parent when we were still in our twenties and neither of us anywhere close to being emotionally strong enough to cope with losing a parent (I know, who is ever^^ ready to cope with losing a parent but you know what I mean, we felt robbed).

Our parents married in the 60s and I can’t help wonder what life would've been like had they had us shortly after they were married. I'd probably be a grandmother now!

Don't get me wrong, there's a few upsides to having parents who've had a life prior to kids. But ultimately as a child and young adult, I was incredibly resentful of it. (Especially when all my friends thought they were my grandparents 😬)

I had my DC at 38 and am 70 now. I spent a week recently with DC on top of a step ladder scraping off wallpaper in their new flat. DH and myself hike, run and cycle, of course we could drop dead at any time but we know DC will be OK - good career and relationship and we have helped them buy a property. The loss they will feel when we go will be tempered by a good inheritance from us. If you can build in resiliense for your DC both emotionally and materially then they will manage without you when the time comes.

My parents were older when I was born. They are both still fighting fit in their 70s. They perhaps can't look after their grand children as much as they would have if there were younger, but that's fine. They both had well established careers before they had children so I think we had more money growing up than we would have otherwise. It's not really something I've ever given much thought to. My mum did apologise for it once, but honestly it's fine!

Sorry I forgot to add a slight counter to my comment - my mum is now 78, walks for bloody miles with her dog, shoots up ladders, spends days bent over in the garden and given my health issues, often offers to do my gardening because I can’t! (Obviously I politely decline, I couldn't live with myself having my elderly mum garden for me!) but yeah, she's fit as a fiddle!

It’s the truth though. And I think it’s valuable - as a fellow anxious person - to see that many of us worry about these things. It’s not just something that 60 something year olds fret about…it’s something 30 something year olds fret about. The positive insight there is that this is human nature, and if you love someone dearly you dread the shortness of time we may have with them. Having someone you love that dearly is a gift.

I think you are worrying unnecessarily - I'm in my 40s now and I notice that among my friends of similar age, the ones whose parents had them younger (and should be in better health) have aged quicker and have more health problems, whereas the ones who had them late (and are older and "should" be frailer) are doing better. The same was true for my grandparents.

You just don't know how things will work out, so there is no point ruminating.

I had two children in my early 40s. I am now 50. I am trying to keep fit so that I age well.

I am glad they have each other so that when we are gone, they still have family. I am lucky that my children are very close to each other and I hope this continues.

I do now think it is better to have children younger. You get to be there for so much more of their life. But you can only do your best on the path you are on. So focus on that rather than the path you cannot walk on.

I knew someone who became a father at eighteen. He died at thirty seven. I knew another guy who became a father at twenty four and he died at twenty nine. There are no guarantees when it comes to parenthood and longevity.

Not read through any responses, so forgive me if I am repeating. I had my three around the same 'late' age. Two still live with me - one still studying. Looking back, I am glad that I was sooo ready for children and I have enjoyed every minute with them growing up. I also went back to uni in my 50s and now have an entirely new career.

I am 65 and DH is 73. We have DC aged 25 and 27 so I had my first at 37 and second at 39.

Do I wish I had had them earlier? Yes. Maybe a couple of years because then I would have had 3.
Do I wish I had not had them at all? No, the decision to have children after we had been together 18 years was the best thing we ever did.

The teenage years were fantastic, as were most of the early years (not so keen on the baby stage).
Now it's wonderful watching them as adults, enjoying life, working hard. We are retired and have loads of time to help out for example with practical stuff like decorating and gardening. They still come away with us for a holiday sometimes.

I doubt they will have children until well into their 30s so possibly we won't be involved in childcare but then a) I wouldn't want to and b)they don't live round the corner anyway.
They both have partners who's parents are younger than us, so that's interesting.
There's a financial advantage as well. We were much better off in our 40s than we would have been in our 20s. We've helped them buy properties and they get other financial help as well.

All my circle of friends had children at a similar age.