Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Caught DS Friends in Sex Act

86 replies

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:24

Hi

I have a dilemma on my hands, and would appreciate any advice.

DS (9 years old) had a sleepover with some of his friends (boys) staying at ours.

One of the boys has stayed here once before — no problems. The three other boy have never stayed here before; this was their first time.
During the evening, DH walked in on them playing video games (my DS was at least) completely engrossed in it.

Whilst DS was busy doing this, and so was another one of the boys, the other two were enacting a sexual scene (fully clothed, but one boys was lying on his tummy playing with his console, while another was on top of him literally riding him from behind and going for it!)
DH told them to stop & they looked sheepish. He told me what happened, I was horrified, mortified & couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know kids can sometimes innocently do things, but the act looked like something only grown ups would know how to do and something the boy either saw in a porn film, his parents doing, etc. Regardless, it was totally wrong for a 9 year old to be doing to his friend under my roof. I agonised about whether I should tell the parents or not. I know it wouldn’t go down too well, and knowing the parents, in their embarrassment, they’d probably stop talking to us and become cross (its tempting to blame others for being the messengers or bearers of bad news & I just didn’t want to take the risk). So ensured that they slept in their own separate beds that night & had a sleepless night of checking on them every 30 mins to ensure nothing untoward was happening.

Following morning, whilst my DS and his other friends are watching TV, those same two boys disappear to find a quiet room and start doing the same. I’d been checking on them frantically so it was only 5 minutes after they disappeared that I found them. This time it was me, not DH, who walked in on them. I was so cross to find the same boy on top of the other doing the same thing. It’s so shocking seeing 9 year olds engaging in this that I yelled what are you doing? This is rude stuff and if I catch you doing it again I’m telling your parents.

I’m horrified, shocked, and scared for my own DS having classmates who do this. And I don’t know if I reacted how I should have. What should I do? Their parents collected them later and I watched them like a hawk until they did. Did I do right not telling the parents & letting them get off with a warning? Should I talk to my son? What should I tell him? Is this stuff normal? Does it happen all the time? Am I overreacting? Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
dayofcheese · 01/10/2023 17:25

Call the nspcc for advice

SiblingFights · 01/10/2023 17:28

Report to the school safeguarding lead. Talking to the parents may put the children at risk of harm / it being minimised.

lifeishitandmiss · 01/10/2023 17:30

Confused, so there was some dry humping from behind going on?

I'd be equally horrified in your position, but suspect this is normal???

zurala · 01/10/2023 17:30

Tell the school and don't have that child in your house again. He may be being abused, and he may unfortunately abuse others. If it's not an abuse situation then he's being very inappropriate and you don't want to expose your children to that.
I would also tell the parents, of both boys involved, about the behaviour.

Meadowflower2023 · 01/10/2023 17:33

Are the other boys also 9 like your son? I'd worry this is a possibly a safeguarding issue for 9 year olds to be so sexualised. As PP says, contact the NSPCC for advice.

Brokendaughter · 01/10/2023 17:35

Report this to the school safeguarding team.

One (or both) of those children may be, or have been experiencing sexual abuse & is acting out.

The school need to be made aware & may already have some concerns.

This is not a normal thing for children of that age to be doing.

It is certainly not normal for them to have been 'caught' once then sneak off elsewhere to do it again, even if they were only acting whatever they were doing, not actually doing it.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 01/10/2023 17:35

Agree that you must report this to the school safeguarding contact.

OstrichInPink · 01/10/2023 17:35

?

LakeTiticaca · 01/10/2023 17:40

Are you sure they weren't just playing horses?

Original poster
MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:40

difficult to describe but boy 1 is lying flat on the floor on his tummy playing with his console. Boy 2 is sat on top of him rubbing him willy on his bum (gyrating / humping him). It’s just not something a 9 years old would / should know how to do unless they’ve seen it on tv or something.

OP posts:
floofbag · 01/10/2023 17:40

Did the one 'underneath ' look like he was enjoying it too ? If not then that's scary . Poor kid was probably scared of the one on top.

Original poster
MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:41

Thanks. Will do.

OP posts:
Original poster
MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:42

Yes, they’re all 9. Will call them tomorrow.

OP posts:
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 17:42

You absolutely should have told the children’s parents. I know it’s awkward but it can’t be addressed if parents aren’t told.

The idea to NSPCC for advise is also good.

Yes you need to talk to your child and you need to be very blunt with him. He must have seen some of their behaviour. He might be waiting for an opportunity to share his feelings with someone. At the very least you need to express what is isn’t appropriate and let him know he can seek help if he is worried about anyone’s behaviour.

I had to speak to my SIL aftery nephew was inappropriate around my DD. I watch them like a hawk now and they will never ever be alone together. I can’t ever know why nephew said what he did but I know that people were made aware and I did all I can. Also my cousins son showed my so. Some inappropriate stuff of the internet (not porn but just above his age limit- girls twerking dancing type of thing). I spoke to my cousin about ot and a while later my son told me some other things he wasn’t comfortable about - nothing major but I helped him stay away from his cousins and reassured him his cousin were ok.

I think sexual abuse and inappropriate sexual behaviour between children is more common than most people like to think. Brushing things under the carpet isn’t the way to go. Speaking to everyone involved and addressing it head on is.

TheShellBeach · 01/10/2023 17:43

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:40

difficult to describe but boy 1 is lying flat on the floor on his tummy playing with his console. Boy 2 is sat on top of him rubbing him willy on his bum (gyrating / humping him). It’s just not something a 9 years old would / should know how to do unless they’ve seen it on tv or something.

Far more likely that an adult is sexually abusing the boy.

Original poster
MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:44

Both sets of parents are fairly close acquaintances (I wouldn’t go as far as calling them friends though) but I’m concerned that if this behaviour goes uncorrected, then like you said, it puts other children at risk. So I’m damned if I take this further and I’m damned if I don’t.

OP posts:
Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 17:44

“It is certainly not normal for them to have been 'caught' once then sneak off elsewhere to do it again, even if they were only acting whatever they were doing, not actually doing it.”

^ I agree with this. Most kids would be mortified, not to and do it again. Sounds like they were sneaky about it too! Very worrying.

Berthatydfil · 01/10/2023 17:44

Go into the school tomorrow and ask for the safeguarding lead and tel them exactly what you have seen.
From your description is sounds sinister particularly the sneaking off. Its likely the boy has either witnessed something inappropriate or possibly worse.

Do not tell parents in case it is something going on in the family.

BoohooWoohoo · 01/10/2023 17:44

My sons liked to wrestle and play fight at that age but they didn't do anything that resembled anal sex.

You definitely need to tell someone so they can investigate whether the boy is watching porn or being abused. The fact that they went to another room suggests that they know it's not ok and not wrestling or something innocent.

Redlarge · 01/10/2023 17:47

If i was the parent of the child that was having it done to him i would absolutely want to know. He is technically being abused just by what you and your husband witnessed. You have to tell school and their parents.

Hellocatshome · 01/10/2023 17:47

Do not tell the parents as it may give them time to coach the children what to say etc

Tell the school safeguarding person.

Don't have them for sleepovers or let your son sleepover at their house again.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 17:48

“So I’m damned if I take this further and I’m damned if I don’t.”

^ Not doing anything would be much worse. Better to have awkward adult relationships than to say nothing when a child might need protecting.

Sorry to come out with all the exemples but I have so many. One of my friends baby sat for a little girl when she was about 3/4 yrs old. She found this little girl touching her DD who was about the same age. She didn’t say anything as she thought they were messing about. Years later (when the girl about around 15) it did come out that an older teen/young adult had abused her throughout her childhood.

dayofcheese · 01/10/2023 17:48

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:42

Yes, they’re all 9. Will call them tomorrow.

You can call the nspcc now

Seryse · 01/10/2023 17:49

Its a difficult situation OP, but I'd defo check with NSPCC for some advice on what to do. Best of luck.

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 17:50

This stuff happens I guess

You need to notify the school safeguarding team, and yes you need to let the two boys parents know you have reported it as basic curtesy if nothing else. You should also tell the parents of the boy not involved because who knows if he sometimes is and they’ll want to know.

I’d talk to your son quite casually - mention you saw them doing this, you guess he might have done too. It’s not appropriate at their age and if he has any questions he can ask any time.

It might well be consensual exploration, but that needs to be checked out and their parents need to know. If it’s been instigated by that one boy then it’s important he learns about acceptable behaviour before he does some damage.

Obviously it’s embarrassing and yes the parents probably will avoid you for ever, but sometimes awkwardness just can’t be avoided.

Swipe left for the next trending thread