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Original poster

Caught DS Friends in Sex Act

86 replies

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:24

Hi

I have a dilemma on my hands, and would appreciate any advice.

DS (9 years old) had a sleepover with some of his friends (boys) staying at ours.

One of the boys has stayed here once before — no problems. The three other boy have never stayed here before; this was their first time.
During the evening, DH walked in on them playing video games (my DS was at least) completely engrossed in it.

Whilst DS was busy doing this, and so was another one of the boys, the other two were enacting a sexual scene (fully clothed, but one boys was lying on his tummy playing with his console, while another was on top of him literally riding him from behind and going for it!)
DH told them to stop & they looked sheepish. He told me what happened, I was horrified, mortified & couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know kids can sometimes innocently do things, but the act looked like something only grown ups would know how to do and something the boy either saw in a porn film, his parents doing, etc. Regardless, it was totally wrong for a 9 year old to be doing to his friend under my roof. I agonised about whether I should tell the parents or not. I know it wouldn’t go down too well, and knowing the parents, in their embarrassment, they’d probably stop talking to us and become cross (its tempting to blame others for being the messengers or bearers of bad news & I just didn’t want to take the risk). So ensured that they slept in their own separate beds that night & had a sleepless night of checking on them every 30 mins to ensure nothing untoward was happening.

Following morning, whilst my DS and his other friends are watching TV, those same two boys disappear to find a quiet room and start doing the same. I’d been checking on them frantically so it was only 5 minutes after they disappeared that I found them. This time it was me, not DH, who walked in on them. I was so cross to find the same boy on top of the other doing the same thing. It’s so shocking seeing 9 year olds engaging in this that I yelled what are you doing? This is rude stuff and if I catch you doing it again I’m telling your parents.

I’m horrified, shocked, and scared for my own DS having classmates who do this. And I don’t know if I reacted how I should have. What should I do? Their parents collected them later and I watched them like a hawk until they did. Did I do right not telling the parents & letting them get off with a warning? Should I talk to my son? What should I tell him? Is this stuff normal? Does it happen all the time? Am I overreacting? Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Redhothoochycoocher · 01/10/2023 17:50

Do you know if he has older siblings?

Original poster
MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:54

No honestly, there was absolutely no mistaking what the boy on top was up to. First time it happened when DH caught them and told me, I thought maybe. But when I saw it for myself … honestly, there’s no doubt they were enacting something sexual (the boy on top was at least). When I told them off & warned I’d tell their parents, the boy to whom the humping was being done (the one at the bottom) casually replied “I don’t mind”. I thought he meant “I don’t mind him doing this to me”, but now I’m wondering if he meant “I don’t mind you telling my parents”. Needless to say, neither will step foot here but I’m still very concerned that my DS’s friends are doing this and I’ll be crucified by the parents in my sons class and made to be the enemy if I report this. It’s just such a difficult situation to be in.

OP posts:
OdeToBarney · 01/10/2023 17:58

Not sure I can add anything more useful than others, but wow, this is really shocking. I think NSPCC today and school tomorrow is a good idea. I'd be wary of telling the parents myself in case there is abuse at home. Bloody hell OP, I don't envy you, I have to say.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2023 18:02

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 17:42

You absolutely should have told the children’s parents. I know it’s awkward but it can’t be addressed if parents aren’t told.

The idea to NSPCC for advise is also good.

Yes you need to talk to your child and you need to be very blunt with him. He must have seen some of their behaviour. He might be waiting for an opportunity to share his feelings with someone. At the very least you need to express what is isn’t appropriate and let him know he can seek help if he is worried about anyone’s behaviour.

I had to speak to my SIL aftery nephew was inappropriate around my DD. I watch them like a hawk now and they will never ever be alone together. I can’t ever know why nephew said what he did but I know that people were made aware and I did all I can. Also my cousins son showed my so. Some inappropriate stuff of the internet (not porn but just above his age limit- girls twerking dancing type of thing). I spoke to my cousin about ot and a while later my son told me some other things he wasn’t comfortable about - nothing major but I helped him stay away from his cousins and reassured him his cousin were ok.

I think sexual abuse and inappropriate sexual behaviour between children is more common than most people like to think. Brushing things under the carpet isn’t the way to go. Speaking to everyone involved and addressing it head on is.

Not if there's abuse!

Call the NSPCC and then school safeguarding

Telling the parents could be the worse thing to do

It's very worrying they were caught and then deliberately sought out somewhere quiet to do it again

WGACA · 01/10/2023 18:02

Definitely tell one of the safeguarding leads at school.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2023 18:03

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:54

No honestly, there was absolutely no mistaking what the boy on top was up to. First time it happened when DH caught them and told me, I thought maybe. But when I saw it for myself … honestly, there’s no doubt they were enacting something sexual (the boy on top was at least). When I told them off & warned I’d tell their parents, the boy to whom the humping was being done (the one at the bottom) casually replied “I don’t mind”. I thought he meant “I don’t mind him doing this to me”, but now I’m wondering if he meant “I don’t mind you telling my parents”. Needless to say, neither will step foot here but I’m still very concerned that my DS’s friends are doing this and I’ll be crucified by the parents in my sons class and made to be the enemy if I report this. It’s just such a difficult situation to be in.

No it isn't as it can be done anonymously. School won't go in all guns blazing and they may already have concerns

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2023 18:04

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:44

Both sets of parents are fairly close acquaintances (I wouldn’t go as far as calling them friends though) but I’m concerned that if this behaviour goes uncorrected, then like you said, it puts other children at risk. So I’m damned if I take this further and I’m damned if I don’t.

No. Just damned if you don't

Redlarge · 01/10/2023 18:06

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:54

No honestly, there was absolutely no mistaking what the boy on top was up to. First time it happened when DH caught them and told me, I thought maybe. But when I saw it for myself … honestly, there’s no doubt they were enacting something sexual (the boy on top was at least). When I told them off & warned I’d tell their parents, the boy to whom the humping was being done (the one at the bottom) casually replied “I don’t mind”. I thought he meant “I don’t mind him doing this to me”, but now I’m wondering if he meant “I don’t mind you telling my parents”. Needless to say, neither will step foot here but I’m still very concerned that my DS’s friends are doing this and I’ll be crucified by the parents in my sons class and made to be the enemy if I report this. It’s just such a difficult situation to be in.

Dont worry about being crucified. If others arent shocked or taking this seriously then i would be extremely surprised.

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 18:09

”Telling the parents could be the worse thing to do.”
^

The school and social care will speak to the parents. Nothing will progress without the parents being notified. Personally I would tell the parents of all the children in attendance something so they are aware that school is being notified. They’ll find out from the school or social care anyway.

Hellocatshome · 01/10/2023 18:11

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 18:09

”Telling the parents could be the worse thing to do.”
^

The school and social care will speak to the parents. Nothing will progress without the parents being notified. Personally I would tell the parents of all the children in attendance something so they are aware that school is being notified. They’ll find out from the school or social care anyway.

They will find out at an appropriate time. If they find out before the authorities think it is appropriate it could seriously jeopardise the investigation and/or any outcome.

Blackbyrd · 01/10/2023 18:11

I would confine myself to informing the school, social services and the police. If this child is acting out sexual abuse then it's surely a strong possibility that the parents are involved? So why give them a heads up? Or have the child in question threatened to keep his mouth shut when his honest answers may be required? OP, you did the right thing and thank you both for your awareness

VintageBlossomHill · 01/10/2023 18:12

Horrible situation @MistyLuna to be in but you absolutely can’t ignore this.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 01/10/2023 18:13

It sounds like the boy on the bottom doesn’t realise what is going on. The boy on top is obviously getting some kind of sensory pleasure from it, it may or may not be sexual at his age. It may be something he’s seen, it might also be something he’s realised feels nice. Very common for children of that age to hump pillows/ toys/ the floor etc because they’ve realised it feels nice. I’ve never heard of children humping each other but it’s possible. You need to tell the parents, the boy on the bottom who is potentially oblivious right now may realise what is/ was happening in the future and feel like he was being sexually abused - that could mess him up for life. The boy on top may also not realise that what he is doing is wrong/ sexual. Their parents need to talk to them, your own anxiety about how the parents may react isn’t important here, what’s important is that the boys stop this behaviour whilst it is still potentially innocent.

VintageBlossomHill · 01/10/2023 18:13

lifeishitandmiss · 01/10/2023 17:30

Confused, so there was some dry humping from behind going on?

I'd be equally horrified in your position, but suspect this is normal???

@lifeishitandmiss Seriously - what planet are you from to consider this normal?

Dillane · 01/10/2023 18:14

lifeishitandmiss · 01/10/2023 17:30

Confused, so there was some dry humping from behind going on?

I'd be equally horrified in your position, but suspect this is normal???

‘Normal’? Don’t be bloody ridiculous.

Definitely call the NSPCC OP.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 01/10/2023 18:15

Please don't pre warn the dps.. Leave it to the professionals to get to the bottom of this. No pun intended.. Out of your depth op.. I reported physical abuse of one of dd's mates.. Ss did contact them. Be prepared for your ds to be dumped sharpish by the boys though. Imo do not get into any sort of discussion with any of the parents or even your ds.

Amaya4 · 01/10/2023 18:20

I would call the school first thing tomorrow but also perhaps the local safeguarding team based on where you are for advice and to report it.

Outonaschoolnight · 01/10/2023 18:20

This is not at all normal. Please do report to school first thing tomorrow. It’s concerning he did the same act twice even after being told off the first time.

Whu · 01/10/2023 18:22

Your local council will have an on duty safeguarding social worker you can ring. Also NSPCC. Please don’t do nothing when there is a very real risk that this boy is being sexually abused.

drspouse · 01/10/2023 18:25

floofbag · 01/10/2023 17:40

Did the one 'underneath ' look like he was enjoying it too ? If not then that's scary . Poor kid was probably scared of the one on top.

Doesn't make any difference if the other child was "enjoying" it.
OP this is not a dilemma. It must be reported.

paulaparticles · 01/10/2023 18:39

If the boy on the bottom said he didn't mind is there a chance he had no idea what was being done to him. So being abused by other boy. Are these 2 friends and at school together ?

Dolly567 · 01/10/2023 18:50

This is horrific. I agree with everyone else, nspcc now and school in the morning.
I feel for you that you have had to witness this, how distressing and concerning.

Monkeypopcorn · 01/10/2023 18:52

Sleepovers at age 9 is a bit young for me..I wouldn't agree to another one and certainly wouldn't let my DS sleep over at their houses. I did some safeguarding training earlier in the year that suggested a third of child sexual abuse is peer on peer.

Fundays12 · 01/10/2023 18:54

I work in child protection this is a serious red flag for potential sexual abuse. Please phone the school asap and ask to speak to the safeguarding lead. Do not talk to either of these boys parents. This is up to a social worker and child protection police officers to do.

Yep1234 · 01/10/2023 19:08

This needs reporting to either the Designated safeguarding Lead at the school. This needs to be done as a matter of urgency. I would be at the school office asking to speak directly to DSL as soon as the gates open.

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