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Original poster

Caught DS Friends in Sex Act

86 replies

MistyLuna · 01/10/2023 17:24

Hi

I have a dilemma on my hands, and would appreciate any advice.

DS (9 years old) had a sleepover with some of his friends (boys) staying at ours.

One of the boys has stayed here once before — no problems. The three other boy have never stayed here before; this was their first time.
During the evening, DH walked in on them playing video games (my DS was at least) completely engrossed in it.

Whilst DS was busy doing this, and so was another one of the boys, the other two were enacting a sexual scene (fully clothed, but one boys was lying on his tummy playing with his console, while another was on top of him literally riding him from behind and going for it!)
DH told them to stop & they looked sheepish. He told me what happened, I was horrified, mortified & couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know kids can sometimes innocently do things, but the act looked like something only grown ups would know how to do and something the boy either saw in a porn film, his parents doing, etc. Regardless, it was totally wrong for a 9 year old to be doing to his friend under my roof. I agonised about whether I should tell the parents or not. I know it wouldn’t go down too well, and knowing the parents, in their embarrassment, they’d probably stop talking to us and become cross (its tempting to blame others for being the messengers or bearers of bad news & I just didn’t want to take the risk). So ensured that they slept in their own separate beds that night & had a sleepless night of checking on them every 30 mins to ensure nothing untoward was happening.

Following morning, whilst my DS and his other friends are watching TV, those same two boys disappear to find a quiet room and start doing the same. I’d been checking on them frantically so it was only 5 minutes after they disappeared that I found them. This time it was me, not DH, who walked in on them. I was so cross to find the same boy on top of the other doing the same thing. It’s so shocking seeing 9 year olds engaging in this that I yelled what are you doing? This is rude stuff and if I catch you doing it again I’m telling your parents.

I’m horrified, shocked, and scared for my own DS having classmates who do this. And I don’t know if I reacted how I should have. What should I do? Their parents collected them later and I watched them like a hawk until they did. Did I do right not telling the parents & letting them get off with a warning? Should I talk to my son? What should I tell him? Is this stuff normal? Does it happen all the time? Am I overreacting? Any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Yep1234 · 01/10/2023 19:09

Also this isn’t one for the NSPCC. You need to go directly to the school as a priority. This is what the NSPCC will advise. 100%

localnotail · 01/10/2023 19:34

WOW this is not normal at all, definitely speak to the school and DO NOT speak to the parents! Sorry you are in this situation, but these children are not right, someone who knows that they are doing needs to investigate what this is about.

Escapetofrance · 01/10/2023 19:36

Let the school or nspcc/local safeguarding council employees take the lead in this. You don’t need to tell the parents. If you’re not happy with the outcome from the school, you’re supposed to follow it up-with the police if necessary.

Sunshinenrain · 01/10/2023 19:37

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 17:44

“It is certainly not normal for them to have been 'caught' once then sneak off elsewhere to do it again, even if they were only acting whatever they were doing, not actually doing it.”

^ I agree with this. Most kids would be mortified, not to and do it again. Sounds like they were sneaky about it too! Very worrying.

Absolutely this!

Its the doing it a second time (especially sneaking off into someone else’s home) doing it that is the biggest concern.

I worked with a boy who was doing similar acts to other students.
They were all autistic and he didn’t understand it was wrong and they didn’t either and would be doing normal things and just let him do it.
I don’t know if he was being abused or just sensory seeking but as soon as we found out we never let him be alone with any other child and kept an eye on them when they were playing together.

So it’s very possible the second boy (or any other children) don’t realise what’s happening.

The school needs to know so they can keep an eye on how close he’s getting to the other children.

Babyiwantabump · 01/10/2023 20:01

I would tell someone- the parents of both boys aswell maybe - I would want to know if this was happening to my DC anyway.

PatsyJStone · 01/10/2023 20:03

You need to tell both sets of parents and school and get assurance from school that the safeguarding lead will be made aware.
Whether you tell the third boys parent I am unsure but school can make that decision as they will know what actions should be taken.

I don’t think you need to tell NSPCC as the school can take the same actions as the NSPCC, which would be to contact the relevant Social Services, which is where all referrals for concern used to arrive from the NSPCC when I worked there.

Ladybug223 · 01/10/2023 20:06

I would definitely speak with the school safeguarding team. There may already be a safeguarding case open/ being investigated

Comedycook · 01/10/2023 20:07

It's a bit of a minefield...yikes.

You absolutely need to tell the school. I'd do that without hesitation.

My gut feeling is that the parents of the child this was happening to should be told...their child was in your care and you need to be totally upfront with them because it won't look good if it gets back to them what happened and that you knew and didn't say anything.

I'm really not sure if you should tell the parents of the child who was doing this...I'd be concerned where he'd learnt this from.

Probably best to call the nspcc for advice.

NancyJoan · 01/10/2023 20:10

If you can, talk to the DSL in person tomorrow. Otherwise, give them a call.

They may already have concerns, and they will talk to social services, who will decide how/when to talk to the parents.

SummerDawn2000 · 01/10/2023 20:14

Please please ring NSPCC and go to the school tomorrow to talk to the safe guarding lead and SENCO.

This is not ok or normal Boy 1 was re-enacting sex. Both boys need support and help

please do the right thing. In this situation losing friends is a very small price to pay compared to abuse being continued.

im so sorry OP.

mambojambodothetango · 01/10/2023 20:34

Do not understand any circumstances tell the parents!!!! For (hopefully) very obvious reasons. Report and let the professionals deal with it.

mambojambodothetango · 01/10/2023 20:36

PatsyJStone · 01/10/2023 20:03

You need to tell both sets of parents and school and get assurance from school that the safeguarding lead will be made aware.
Whether you tell the third boys parent I am unsure but school can make that decision as they will know what actions should be taken.

I don’t think you need to tell NSPCC as the school can take the same actions as the NSPCC, which would be to contact the relevant Social Services, which is where all referrals for concern used to arrive from the NSPCC when I worked there.

And what if it's the boy's father who's raping him? Giving him time to come up with a story... please use common sense and don't tell parents.

Woush · 01/10/2023 20:54

Gatcha Heat

Google it if you've never heard of it. As a school DSL I have been dealing with increasing numbers if Harmful Sexual Behaviour in young children, notably since lockdown/covid.

Why? Porb hub access went up by something like 300% over lockdown. Porn hub uk traffic peaks at 4pm - that's not working adults accessing it.

Then take it down a notch. YouTube gives access to "soft porn" type videos. Most preteens have free access to YouTube.

Then down another notch - loads of 8/9/10 year olds plat Gatcha Life, or Robloxs. They watch YouTube vids of others playing Gatcha or Robloxs. The algorithm promotes other Gatcha youtubers and quite soon your 7yo is watching a genre called Gatcha Heat. It's Gatcha animated characters enacting in sexual acts.

Good news is, HBS is entirely solvable and those engaging in HSB tend to not go on to be sex pests, they grow out of it. But it does need reporting and tackling, directly and head on.

Parents do need to know and will be asked about this from the outset.

Babyghirl · 01/10/2023 21:06

@MistyLuna
Op get this reported, this could all get turned round on you and your home, seeing you seen it happen, the parents could blame them seeing something going on in your home or watching porn or something, you could be the one with ss on your door step for safeguarding issues.

Yep1234 · 01/10/2023 21:23

Don’t be so ridiculous. What you are suggesting could be putting a child in danger. You have absolutely no idea what you are talking about.

Honestly, get a grip.

Nanny0gg · 01/10/2023 21:56

Woush · 01/10/2023 20:54

Gatcha Heat

Google it if you've never heard of it. As a school DSL I have been dealing with increasing numbers if Harmful Sexual Behaviour in young children, notably since lockdown/covid.

Why? Porb hub access went up by something like 300% over lockdown. Porn hub uk traffic peaks at 4pm - that's not working adults accessing it.

Then take it down a notch. YouTube gives access to "soft porn" type videos. Most preteens have free access to YouTube.

Then down another notch - loads of 8/9/10 year olds plat Gatcha Life, or Robloxs. They watch YouTube vids of others playing Gatcha or Robloxs. The algorithm promotes other Gatcha youtubers and quite soon your 7yo is watching a genre called Gatcha Heat. It's Gatcha animated characters enacting in sexual acts.

Good news is, HBS is entirely solvable and those engaging in HSB tend to not go on to be sex pests, they grow out of it. But it does need reporting and tackling, directly and head on.

Parents do need to know and will be asked about this from the outset.

But not by the OP

What the professionals do is entirely separate

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 01/10/2023 22:07

If you suspect abuse the last thing you should do is speak to the parents. Alert the appropriate authorities ie. SENCO, NSPCC etc and then keep out of it until questioned by them.

Bellyblueboy · 01/10/2023 22:15

Why on earth are chatting about this in an internet forum rather than ringing the NSPCC for advice?

I suspect this thread will be zapped soon

boobies1234 · 01/10/2023 22:26

Report to DSL at school asap. This is not normal 9 year old behaviour and the parents need to be aware too but school can do that. It's not a school issue in a sense as happened outside of school but they will know what to do and how to deal with it.

brielliance · 01/10/2023 22:30

I would report to someone (anyone) for my own safety if anything because if eventually any of the boys say both you and DH saw them doing it, or worse they only started doing it at your house and in front of both you and DH, you 2 would be seen as involved or worse, perpetrators.

Also would report for the boys' safety and my own son's safety of course.

Mischance · 01/10/2023 22:32

You must talk to the safeguarding lead at this child's school. This is a massive red flag for abuse. Also speak to local SSD. Your embarrassment and social difficulties around all this are as nothing to what might be happening to this poor child. And you need to keep him away from your child as much as possible.

The child on the receiving end of this needs to be brought up with safeguarding lead as well.

Lorieandrews · 01/10/2023 22:35

lifeishitandmiss · 01/10/2023 17:30

Confused, so there was some dry humping from behind going on?

I'd be equally horrified in your position, but suspect this is normal???

I disagree

I do t think this is ‘normal’ aged 9.

he’s seen it somewhere. I agree call NSPCC

Lorieandrews · 01/10/2023 22:37

Embarrassednamechangeadoddle · 01/10/2023 17:42

You absolutely should have told the children’s parents. I know it’s awkward but it can’t be addressed if parents aren’t told.

The idea to NSPCC for advise is also good.

Yes you need to talk to your child and you need to be very blunt with him. He must have seen some of their behaviour. He might be waiting for an opportunity to share his feelings with someone. At the very least you need to express what is isn’t appropriate and let him know he can seek help if he is worried about anyone’s behaviour.

I had to speak to my SIL aftery nephew was inappropriate around my DD. I watch them like a hawk now and they will never ever be alone together. I can’t ever know why nephew said what he did but I know that people were made aware and I did all I can. Also my cousins son showed my so. Some inappropriate stuff of the internet (not porn but just above his age limit- girls twerking dancing type of thing). I spoke to my cousin about ot and a while later my son told me some other things he wasn’t comfortable about - nothing major but I helped him stay away from his cousins and reassured him his cousin were ok.

I think sexual abuse and inappropriate sexual behaviour between children is more common than most people like to think. Brushing things under the carpet isn’t the way to go. Speaking to everyone involved and addressing it head on is.

I would t speak to the parents. If abuse is happening then they’d scarper…,,

I wouldn’t want to rush that happening. I’d call the police also.

Lorieandrews · 01/10/2023 22:39

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 17:50

This stuff happens I guess

You need to notify the school safeguarding team, and yes you need to let the two boys parents know you have reported it as basic curtesy if nothing else. You should also tell the parents of the boy not involved because who knows if he sometimes is and they’ll want to know.

I’d talk to your son quite casually - mention you saw them doing this, you guess he might have done too. It’s not appropriate at their age and if he has any questions he can ask any time.

It might well be consensual exploration, but that needs to be checked out and their parents need to know. If it’s been instigated by that one boy then it’s important he learns about acceptable behaviour before he does some damage.

Obviously it’s embarrassing and yes the parents probably will avoid you for ever, but sometimes awkwardness just can’t be avoided.

It cannot be consensual

their ages make it impossible. 1000000% impossible. We can’t consent till we’re 16..,,

OhComeOnFFS · 01/10/2023 22:42

You say you saw them both "disappear off to find a quiet room" - you seem certain both boys are complicit in this. Was the same boy on top both times? If so why do you think the other boy was complicit?