Caught DS Friends in Sex Act

[MistyLuna]

Hi

I have a dilemma on my hands, and would appreciate any advice.

DS (9 years old) had a sleepover with some of his friends (boys) staying at ours.

One of the boys has stayed here once before — no problems. The three other boy have never stayed here before; this was their first time.
During the evening, DH walked in on them playing video games (my DS was at least) completely engrossed in it.

Whilst DS was busy doing this, and so was another one of the boys, the other two were enacting a sexual scene (fully clothed, but one boys was lying on his tummy playing with his console, while another was on top of him literally riding him from behind and going for it!)
DH told them to stop & they looked sheepish. He told me what happened, I was horrified, mortified & couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I know kids can sometimes innocently do things, but the act looked like something only grown ups would know how to do and something the boy either saw in a porn film, his parents doing, etc. Regardless, it was totally wrong for a 9 year old to be doing to his friend under my roof. I agonised about whether I should tell the parents or not. I know it wouldn’t go down too well, and knowing the parents, in their embarrassment, they’d probably stop talking to us and become cross (its tempting to blame others for being the messengers or bearers of bad news & I just didn’t want to take the risk). So ensured that they slept in their own separate beds that night & had a sleepless night of checking on them every 30 mins to ensure nothing untoward was happening.

Following morning, whilst my DS and his other friends are watching TV, those same two boys disappear to find a quiet room and start doing the same. I’d been checking on them frantically so it was only 5 minutes after they disappeared that I found them. This time it was me, not DH, who walked in on them. I was so cross to find the same boy on top of the other doing the same thing. It’s so shocking seeing 9 year olds engaging in this that I yelled what are you doing? This is rude stuff and if I catch you doing it again I’m telling your parents.

I’m horrified, shocked, and scared for my own DS having classmates who do this. And I don’t know if I reacted how I should have. What should I do? Their parents collected them later and I watched them like a hawk until they did. Did I do right not telling the parents & letting them get off with a warning? Should I talk to my son? What should I tell him? Is this stuff normal? Does it happen all the time? Am I overreacting? Any advice would be much appreciated.

I work in safeguarding. Could be innocent but could definitely also be a child play acting something that they are experiencing or witnessing somewhere else in their life. Most appropriate course of action here is to report to the school and to social services and let those bodies take it from there you don't need to get involved with the parents, in fact it's best you don't incase there is something happening in the background.

Please take the advice of the trained and qualified safeguarding lead at school and not the advice of well meaning but unqualified people on Mumsnet.

One of the reasons why you should not tell the parents is that the first people to speak to both boys about what happened needs to be properly trained in child protection and interview techniques. Otherwise their recollection of events could be distorted by leading questions and be inadmissible if a perpetrator of child sex abuse is brought to court. A trained interviewer will also be able to protect the mental well-being of the child when talking to them and minimise the trauma to them and signpost them to appropriate support.

The parents will of course both be told what has happened but at the appropriate time and by qualified people who can support the two families.

Doing this right is hugely important for the well-being of the two boys, their families and to help ensure that any wrongdoing is punished and other children are protected. Please don’t let social embarrassment or the well
meaning but misguided advice on this thread lead you to do the wrong thing.

I'm sure someone else in this thread has said this already but I'm a child safeguarding nurse and this sort of behavior at such a young age could be an indicator of a child experiencing sexual abuse. It could be nothing and may just be exploration but regardless, I would personally not feel comfortable leaving this. I would seek some advice - you could contact your school nursing team who will be able to forward you onto the safeguarding team. They would then be able to speak to school and complete a welfare check. You could also speak directly with the designated safeguarding lead at school and explain what you have put on here. If it happened in your home, it is possible something like this has happened at school and sometimes they can be dismissed as one offs but if it's happening more frequently then this increases concern and indicates need for support regardless of the reason for the behaviors. I would advise you not to go to parents at this point. I would also try and have a gentle discussion with your child if he witnessed it - you want him to not feel that he is not able to talk to you about these sorts of things especially if he heard you reacting (understandably) emotionally. Your son is friends with these children and you want to make sure he is able to understand appropriate behavior and what to do if he is worried (the pants stuff on nspcc is really good).

I hope it isn't. Threads like this can be an excellent first port for other worried parents asking similar questions and searching for relevant threads. There are many helpful procedural references throughout this thread and I think it would be misguided and irresponsible of MN to delete it.

I agree

This traffic like toll suggests this is not 'normal' for their age https://proceduresonline.com/trixcms2/media/14391/brooktrafficclighttool.pdf

@drspouse I meant was it 'consensual'
Much scarier for the 'underneath' kid if not .

I know it's not normal but I'm afraid for the boy being humped.

Good luck today OP its not going to be easy but needs to be done. I hope the school see you straight away.

^ same
I've been in CP Social work and Education Social Work, as well as youth offending.

You need to either make a referral or contact the school safeguarding lead asap.

Children don't just do those sorts of things, yes there are some behaviours that are considered normal sexual development or curiosity even in young children however this sounds like Harmful Sexual Behaviour and usually there would be an assessment or some investigation.

Don't ignore it and don't downplay it.

Were you able to speak to someone at the school OP?

Me too.