Tell me the truth about being a parent!

[WonderingAboutBabies]

Hi everyone,

Myself (28F) and my husband (26M) are going to start trying for a baby in the New Year.

I was wondering if people could tell me a little bit about what it's really like to be a parent?

The reason I ask is because we don't have any nieces or nephews, or any friends with babies (yet!). We would literally be the first in our circles if we were to be successful. We don't have any firsthand stories of people our sort of age having kids - we haven't seen how it works and how it affects people.

We are absolutely set on kids and we've talked about all the relevant things already i.e. finances, parenting styles, writing a will, schooling, religion, etc - but we would just like to know what it's like day to day - especially in the first few years.

Is there anything we need to keep in mind?
Is there something we may not have spoken about yet but should?
Perhaps some tips or words of advice you'd be happy to share with us?

Thank you!

It's kind of a 'how long is a piece of string' question.

I'd say a lot of the experience in terms of your relationship is affected by whether you have supportive family nearby or can easily afford babysitters because that makes it much easier to have time to yourselves which is recommend you to take if you can.

Talk to one another about how you will balance your life - don't let one parent (probably you) become 'default parent' who kids go to automatically.

Both of you should do things in the house every day - mowing the lawn or taking out the bins is not the same as tasks that have to be done every day, sometimes multiple times. If DH works and you don't, or you're on mat leave, he does not get to come in from work and say he's too tired to do a thing when you have young children - he comes in and asks how he can help or even better has tasks that are his every evening. I wish I'd been assertive enough to have had that conversation with DH, but by the time I realised it the kids were growing out of being that needy.

You might get a lot of doom and gloom in these replies, but people aren't going to come on here to tell you how fantastic it is (because it really is on the whole).

I'd say be aware you'll probably get very little time as a couple for a while. If you can get help for those first few months (family/friends/a cleaner/batch cook meals) then do it. Make sure you talk about the division of labour - especially when one or both of you go back to work.

Think of yourselves as a team - not one against the other. Communicate always with love and respect. Your life will change but embrace it.

Edit to add: love the baby you get not the one you imagined you would have!

My first thing I would now say to women, how is your partner at home?

does he contribute equally to household responsibilities from cooking to cleaning. Will he be the type to do night feeds when you can’t, or if you want to go out for a few hours, will he take the initiative and know what to do or would he need a hand hold

you see it on here time and time again with how useless men are and are no help and add to the stress

having a partner in every way is SO important for this journey.

the first few years can be exhausting even with an easy going baby/child, but also wonderful in so many ways.

i love seeing the world through the eyes of my little girls now and everything is such an adventure atm.

There’s always something to worry about. What it is changes as they grow through the stages, but it is ever present.

Day-to-day, their needs become before yours. What to eat for dinner, when you can sleep, where you go on holiday, what you do on a Saturday afternoon, how long a car journey can be before you stop, what you carry in your handbag…..everything.

I have a 6.5 month old so my experience is limited to newborn and infant parenting so far, but what I can say is that it doesn't matter how many people try to explain what it's like having a baby or how hard it is, nothing will prepare you for your first child. It's a very unique experience of total adoration mixed with grief at the loss of your old life, sleep deprivation, and utter shock at the realisation you're wholly responsible for a tiny life. And it is not the same as a cat or dog, it's not even slightly comparable. That was my initial reaction to parenthood, anyway.

But no matter how hard it is (and it really is fucking hard, especially if you get a bad sleeper or colicky/allergy/reflux baby - again people tell you its hard or say just you wait or whatever but you can't understand until you live it yourself) there is support out there and as long as you've got a healthy relationship with a supportive partner you will get through the hard days and it'll get easier. Then harder again. Until one day they're independent enough that you can relax a bit. From what I gather about young childhood, it is a rollercoaster of ups and downs, learning and regressions.

I found the first 2 months so difficult. I found witching hour screaming and refusing to nap hard to cope with. I've only recently started properly taking care of myself and eating and drinking at normal times, because whatever the baby needs when you have 5 minutes is more important than you!

Since my baby has been about 5 months, he's a total joy and I absolutely spending every day with him. Also it really depends on the temperament of your baby. I'm sure some are angels from the start. Others are born breathing fire 😂

I loved every single moment of being a parent until each one was 13/14 and then I wanted to pull all my hair out and run away and hide! 😂

After a couple of years of them driving me mad everything got back on track and they are now adults and it's lovely.

It will keep you on your toes as things rarely stay the same for any length of time.
It seems endless, but also to fly by.
Once you become a parent, there is no going back.

100% this! Don't make babies with him until he can take care of himself (physically and emotionally) and his share of the home. Talk about how you WANT and EXPECT each of you to adapt post baby.

Lastly- children are a most wonderful blessing. Worth every tear, worry, day of poverty (lol). The way they look at you. Having a little person blossom with all of your quirks. Consider carefully after the first how many you can actually cope with and bring up well. It's not a Pringles situation. Each child should ideally be deliberately considered in terms of your family and personal resources.

Highly recommend moving closer !o whoever of you have the more supportive hands-on family.

Wishing you well!

The most magical thing about children is that every day is a new day and an opportunity to win that day...you will find out what I mean

I think it depends on a lot of factors. Are you settled in your life and just adding a baby to it ? Are you generally calm and relaxed person? Are your partner unselfish and supportive? Do you understand that you won’t be able to put yourself first for a while and ready to compromise? If your answers are yes , it will be much easier for you. Plus healthy babies are easier to manage.

You love them more than you think you can love anything. But it’s soo hard, harder than you can imagine. And it never stops.

At the time I found having babies hard, the crying, the leaking breasts, the sleep deprivation. Now I have teens I look back fondly. Honestly I wouldn't do it again, I live my children so much it hurts and so every bad thing that happens to them is torture. My two youngest are fairly good teens, reasonably well behaved with friends and doing well. My older ones though, bullying, school changes, shop lifting, self harm, we have been through the lot. Honestly I lay awake at nights often worrying about them. They are not horrible kids but they seem to be stuck in destructive cycle. The few friends one of them has are all the same. Anyway not here to entirely put you off as I can't express the amount of live you'll feel, but at the same time I wish someone had prepared me for the hurt when you see your child in pain and yoh can't fix it.

The one thing I would say is that just because you have time to fit something in, it doesn't mean you'll always have the energy to do it so don't over-commit yourself as they get older, it's easy to try and squeeze in what you think you or they 'should' be doing.

I mean I had a prem poorly baby and then twins, the latter just before the pandemic. There isn't really a single answer to your question.

It's hard work, it's exhausting, it's hard to verbalise why it's worth it until the bundle you're holding in your arms is the thing you love most in the world

But my one piece of advice is this is not Mom's baby. This is Mom and Dad's baby. Make sure he'll do nappies and walks and night wake ups and he ALREADY is an adult who can and does keep the house clean, respects you and pays his way.

Your life won't be your own for years. It took me a long time to accept that. I think I mourned my old life for awhile. Make sure you are both clear on expectations around effort. Does your dh pull his weight now? Try to pawn work off on you? Have a hobby that he couldn't possibly give up? The workload is relentless but if both parties pull their weight and treat the other like how they want to be treated, it is managable and you get used to it. One thing I absolutely hate about parenting....the endless worry. I will never again have peace of mind. It is the one thing that would make me pause if I was doing it all over again. My children have certainly made me a less selfish person. They bring joy and warmth and love to my house. But it comes at a cost, one I didn't really consider.

I didn't really understand the true level of responsibility that comes with having kids. It sounds so obvious to say that you'll be responsible for this tiny person for at least 18 years but what that actually means isn't really something you understand until you have one. It's the little freedoms that you miss like being ill without kids around. Having to think about the kids before making any decisions. Obviously they change your life in big ways but there's so many little things I miss.
Caring so much about what happens to them is also painful which is the flip side of loving them so much.
Don't worry about routines, I obsessed with my first and life was so much easier with my second. I didn't try and get him to nap in a cot or sleep at a set time and my life was so much better for it.
Make sure your relationship is rock solid, having kids exposes the cracks in so many relationships.

Honestly it’s the most amazing thing in the world, I look at my daughter and feel this overwhelming sense of love. However as she is still a baby I can only share my experiences so far which is that never in my life have I felt so much anxiety, I worry about her all the time. One of the hardest things I’ve found is I can’t do anything on my terms anymore, if she goes down for a sleep at 7am then I get up and shower then even if I want to stay in bed, I know people say you get the baby to fit round your life not the other way round but honestly in my experience that’s just not entirely possible. But any anxiety and hard times are balanced out with so much joy and love. I’m 27 and like you not had many friends with kids and no nieces or nephews so this was all new to me.

It’s a long slog.

I knew babies and toddlers are hard work (I have a much younger brother and I was very involved in ‘parenting’ him when I was a teenager). And I was prepared to put my life on hold for a while. But the responsibility and impact on your life just goes on and on and on. Mine are early teens now and I have a hands-on DH and it’s still a slog. Without the toddler cuteness.

I’m glad I had a lot of fun when I was younger and that I had them mid-30s.

-It vastly depends on your baby but the first year course be bliss or absolute hell and you don’t know until you are there in the thick of it!

-Social media will make you feel crazy and like you are never good enough. Try to avoid it as much as possible.

-Having familial support can really make or break the experience. If you have a good supportive set of grandparents (or aunts/uncles friends) keep them in your corner even if they are kind of annoying sometimes. It could mean the difference between your home being somewhat functional vs your laundry sitting on the floor not being done for months and the dishes constantly being piled up.

-learn the difference between dragon babies, unicorn babies, velcro babies and bubble babies. I know it all sounds crazy! It’s not! You’ll find out quickly which one yours is when they are born.

-Learn about sleep pressure and sleep regressions. Getting your baby to sleep will pretty much be a big marker for your sanity levels. Another reason to keep supportive family in your corner. You might need someone to watch the baby so you can take a nice long nap and a shower and gather your wits about you!

-If you have plans to breastfeed take a breastfeeding class.

-sign up for a moms group based on your child’s gestational age. I highly recommend doing one in person if possible. You’ll want mothers who are in the same developmental trenches as you.

"Is there something we may not have spoken about yet but should?"

How do you divide responsibilities atm; I mean things like meal planning, food shopping, cooking, clearing up kitchen, laundry, cleaning the house, taking out the bins, gardening, DIY, organising holidays, car maintenance, life admin (sorting bills and insurance) etc etc? Sometimes there are couples in which one person (usually the woman) does much more housework than the other, which is manageable pre-children, but causes a lot of arguments and resentment after children arrive, because obviously they create shitloads more work! So think about the current division of labour and how that might change when a baby comes along. Bluntly, towards the end of pregnancy and in the immediate post-partum period, he'll need to do most if not all of the jobs - you'll be recovering from birth and caring for a newborn. Beyond that you'll need to find a balance that works for you both.

If you haven't yet done so, talk about plans for maternity/parental leave and returning to work. What do your respective employers offer in terms of maternity/parental pay (any enhanced or just SMP) as this might affect the decision. Of course you might change your minds after baby arrives - depending how things go and how you feel - but it's a good idea to consider it beforehand. Will you both be likely to return to work, full-time or part-time, or will one of you want to be a SAHP for a while? Do you have any strong preferences for childcare eg wanting (or NOT wanting) your parents or in-laws to help (if they offer!) If your child goes to a childminder or nursery, will you share drop offs and pick ups, and time off work if baby is too unwell to go?

What about hobbies - at the moment does either of you have a time-consuming hobby and if so have you talked about expectations as to whether/how that will change post-kids?

What were/are each of your parents like? Was there any family dysfunction or unhappy childhood experiences? In my experience having children can bring a lot of it back... it makes us think about how our own parents raised us, and we can reproduce things consciously or unconsciously.

Some useful books to read, IMO, are "what mothers do" and "the book you wish your parents had read".

Overall, for me, it's great having kids. Endlessly fascinating to see them grow and see the world from their perspective. It's constant though. No break. 24/7. No matter how tired or sick you are, they still need you and that can be overwhelming at times.

Relationship wise, having kids introduces a whole new set of responsibilities into the relationship. You need to renegotiate how you share your responsibilities frequently because the demands of children change over time. A lot of couples (me included) find navigating these new responsibilities tricky and it can cause friction. Good and frequent communication helps.

I think for most couples, the spotlight shifts off your relationship and onto children / parenting, initially at least. This is often temporary though and just something both partners need to be suck up. You can still make time for romance and intimacy, especially as they get a bit older.

The thing is op; it’s not something you can really plan for (in an emotional sense I mean) . Of course you can plan financially and to a certain extent career-wise. Emotionally though, you have to take a big leap of faith and hope for the best.

Tbh I found the baby and toddler and childhood years wonderful, except when they were ill. I’m not good with worry + vomit. But the rest of the time I loved it. I was taken aback by how relentless it was though! No weekends off 😀 It’s true what they say about the days being long but the years are short! Really treasure the early years because it will help you survive adolescence!

i was also unprepared for the constant pressure and worry. There is so much emphasis now on parenting well, especially on mothers. You’re expected to research the best schools, support their learning, feed them nutritious food, provide opportunities for extra curricular activities, facilitate friendships, provide a decent home … all while being fun and emotionally sensitive and available…. and holding down a job. Half the time I had no clue what I was doing and just muddled along. And as soon as I did know what I was doing, they had moved on to a different stage.

And the worry not only related to whether I was doing it all right, or not, but external factors like internet safety, bullying, difficult friendships, and how to balance all the things.

I agree wholeheartedly with pp who said choose your partner carefully. I think how hands on and supportive they are - or not - massively, massively, impacts on how good or bad your experience of parenthood is.

And personally I was shocked how poorly society is set up to accommodate parenthood, even though things have improved to a degree. We are still expected to parent like we don’t have a job and work like we don’t have children. It’s so difficult sometimes.

Is it all worth it? I’d say yes - although my teens and young adults are putting me through the wringer atm. The positive aspects are much more difficult to describe than the negative ones, which is why you hear more about the negative I think. Parenthood tests and stretches you in all sort of unimaginable ways. Generally speaking, most people emerge the better for it. It’s so fascinating watching youngsters develop and grow. And they take you in to different areas of life that you never even knew existed before! And I look at my dd’s faces and just feel pure love. Somehow you can’t really describe the value of that in simple everyday prose… !

All I ever hear from people is how shit it is. But maybe they're only venting on bad days.

I have one Dd12 and absolutely love it. It's been the most rewarding thing I've done. I would recommend one. Best of both worlds. Being a mummy is wonderful, but it's not the only thing I am. I love my job, my hobbies, family, travelling, self care etc. I have loads of time on my hands now that dd is 12, though it has been this way for several years.

The worst thing is the worry and seeing them unhappy or struggling.

It's a gamble tbh but mostly hard work either way, expensive, can ruin your body for life ( woman ) highlights the flaws in your partner and relationships, it's a bit shit really, not sure I would do it again despite loving them all very much.