Tell me the truth about being a parent!

[WonderingAboutBabies]

Hi everyone,

Myself (28F) and my husband (26M) are going to start trying for a baby in the New Year.

I was wondering if people could tell me a little bit about what it's really like to be a parent?

The reason I ask is because we don't have any nieces or nephews, or any friends with babies (yet!). We would literally be the first in our circles if we were to be successful. We don't have any firsthand stories of people our sort of age having kids - we haven't seen how it works and how it affects people.

We are absolutely set on kids and we've talked about all the relevant things already i.e. finances, parenting styles, writing a will, schooling, religion, etc - but we would just like to know what it's like day to day - especially in the first few years.

Is there anything we need to keep in mind?
Is there something we may not have spoken about yet but should?
Perhaps some tips or words of advice you'd be happy to share with us?

Thank you!

How do you and your partner get along in an air port, with jet lag?

If you manage that well as a team, then you're in good stead because having a baby is like that x 100: 24/7

So tired, with critical decisions to make as a pair all day and night long.

Unhelpful comment, I know, but 26 is young, these days, for kids.
Make sure you've done all the travelling and life experiences, career progression etc you want to.
Kids are amazing and of course you can still do all those things, but with travelling, when you have that little one, you probably won't want to leave them.
Parenthood is the toughest gig, but it's very rewarding and the highs outweigh the lows. Good luck with it all :)

I think in addition to all the above, it could be useful for a young man to prepare to become a dad by going to fatherhood classes (my partner went to one, learned how to change a nappy, talked about responsibility and emotions etc., but very few fathers took up the offer of these classes) and, most importantly, for him to research and learn about what a new mother might be going through physically and emotionally.

This isn't to suggest men don't also go through physical and emotional changes when they're expecting a baby (they have hormonal changes and, if they're doing their fair share, sleep deprivation too), but they tend not to understand the sheer physical feat growing a baby involves, the exhaustion, the hormones, sometimes pain...all they see is their partner sitting with her feet up and a baby in her lap, not the sheer draining fatigue of breastfeeding or the pain of chapped nipples or the relentless mind-numbing agony of 24/7 with no adult social interaction and never being able to go to the loo or eat...then they wonder why she's being grumpy and then, instead of taking over most of the housework and planning the week's shopping and life admin, they start arguing and being unsupportive.

If there's a way to avoid that by reading up on it and preparing some healthy relationship strategies in advance it could make a big difference!

Other than that, of course it's fulfilling, rewarding, beautiful and wonderful. Just, it requires support and emotional understanding.

Obv op should get any wanderlust out of her system for now, and secure in job etc is ideal. But does anyone ever really do all the travelling they want to do? And certainly to fit it all in before 45 sounds ridiculous. Similar with career progression. If it's not possible to get to the highest pinnacle of your carrer you'd like before 40 are we really telling women they shouldn't have kids and should focus solely on a career which CAN still be there for them AFTER kids?

Make sure you've got a partner who'll support you in your career, make sure you're on the same wave about childcare and who does it and pays for it, remember it's ok to work and have kids, yes. Same for support for travel etc.

But the idea you should have done everything you ever want to do before 40 so you can have a child is ridiculous

Honestly I didn't find it that hard. Mine is 2 and a bit. Yes I was tiered at times but no were near as exhausted as people made out I would be. It's without a doubt the best thing i have ever done.
My husband takes his share of parenting. When he was a newborn he would do he middle of the night feed meaning I could get some sleep. I done the last one at night and early morning meaning he also got a good chunk of sleep. I think also f as you have support of your husband/wife it's fine.
watching your child grow is unlike anything I can describe❤️ he brings me endless amounts of joy!

I don’t want to divert the thread but I strongly disagree with your generalisation about parents of “difficult » teens SadDustBunny.

I think many parents of teens parent much more sensitively and with more understanding of hormones, teen emotions and brain development than ever before. Their parenting is much more involved and conscientious than the benign neglect parenting of the 60s and 70s for example.

Adolescents of today generally have more opportunities to follow extra-curricular interests and travel for example too. And many have more material goods than previous generations.

Yet many teens are becoming very depressed and unhappy which can sometimes make them act in an unappreciative or disrespectful manner.

I agree with you that there is a lot of societal pressure on teens from sm, schools etc and they are not allowed to have as much freedom or make as many mistakes as my generation.

But I strongly disagree that parents are always to blame.

I know many really good truly devoted parents of teens who are bemused by the behaviour of their dc. They are really struggling to cope. Just read the teen thread on here before judging too much!

I think the poster who posed the questions re your other half is spot on. A supportive partner who pulls their weight and respects what you do is so important.

From my own perspective, I’d like to say that it won’t necessarily be ‘the hardest thing ever’, or rather, I’ve not found it to be yet, altho my son is only 2. So many mums rush to say how hard it is but you won’t necessarily find it that way. I’ve never found it particularly hard. Exhausting sometimes, but the most fantastic thing I’ve ever done in my life. I absolutely love the life I lead with my son.

Stay away from mumfluencers. The negative ones drag you down and the happy clappy ones make you feel inadequate.

Took quite a few years of adjusting and having a second one helped cement it all.

My experience in life is as a pp said, nothing worth doing is ever easy. I also think life is for learning, and you learn so much from becoming a parent, especially if you spend lots of time with them.

As others say, make sure you've chosen a good man. Very important.

Everything is just a phase.

You'll never have experienced guilt like parent guilt.

This is really interesting thanks OP, I was going to start a similar thread tonight along the lines of ‘is it smarter to go into parenting expecting the worst’

Nobody sells it to you on here or on social media, in fact lots of threads are enough to put anyone off… people do seem very doom and gloom. Maybe because they expected it to be better? I suppose if you expect it to be beyond difficult, anything else is a bonus

Cute babies turn into teenagers...easier physically but emotionally tough!

It's like someone throwing a hand grenade into your life, except when it explodes it's also full of glitter. Or something 😂

Basically it'll change your life in ways you can't possibly imagine. It'll introduce a permanent level of chaos that can be hard to adjust to if you're used to being in full control. BUT it's also the most incredible experience ever and the joy I feel at being a parent and getting to love my child on a daily basis is unparalleled.

I am also very active, I run and cycle and worried a lot about losing this. Yes, I had to make changes during the pregnancy. But I got it all back again. My husband is equally active and we work together to make time for each other to do something every day. I am of the view that it is absolutely crucial to make time for each other to have time doing what you each enjoy, and just being you - not a parent. If you're on the same page about that there's no reason you can't carry on with all the stuff you did beforehand. You will just have to accept maybe doing a bit less, or being creative to fit it all in.

@maybemaybeno
This was 100% my experience. I went into it expecting it to be awful (god knows why I even wanted kids if I felt that way!) and I've been pleasantly surprised by how much I adore it all.

I have 2, an 8 year old and a baby. I don’t sleep hardly due to baby waking up, can’t put her down as she wakes straight away. Have to put her on the bathroom floor just so I can wee. She cries if I dare to put her down so I can eat. Atm the cries if she’s hungry but then refuses the bottle so cries more. She wakes at 3am and enjoys having a shouting match to wake whole house. If I give her to dh to hold she looks at me incredulously like how dare I give her away. 8 year old shouts at me if I dare not knock before going into her room. She shouted at me this morning as her coat sleeve was slightly “wrong”.

But

Baby is fast asleep on me snoring gently with her tiny hand wrapped around mine. She’s so excited when she wakes up and sees me and gives the biggest smile. If she’s crying with dh and I take her off him she turns to dh and shouts at him for upsetting her 😂8 year old shared a muffin with me and snuggled up with me on sofa. If dh is away we say it’s “girls night”. She always has to be tucked in by me after dh reads to her as she loves me tucking her in. She comes out of school with a huge smile when she sees me.

Theres good and bad but good massively outweighs the bad.

You need to discuss

• how you'll manage lack of sleep- shifts?
• that dp's job is to do everything all the cooking etc while you feed the baby. He needs to be prepared for this.
• finances and budgets

I would respectfully disagree about exercise / fitness classes where you can take baby along have saved my sanity and my back from breaking and I highly recommend them!

You will feel a love for your child so deep it's like no other, but some days you'll question why you ever had kids as they'll be driving you mad.

Be prepared to experience every emotion there is over the following 18+ years, from love, joy, adoration, contention, pride, to frustration, anger, guilt, regret and sadness. They'll bring every one out of you at some point or another.

Agree with your DH to be a team and have each other's backs first and foremost, especially when dealing with family members who are giving unsolicited advice or not acting in baby's best interests.

Something I read once, which I wish I'd done when mine were born, is to set up an email for each child at birth and regularly send notes and memories and photos to the email as they grow up. Then hand it over to the child on their 18th birthday.

Sometimes it's absolutely the best thing ever and it's such a privilege to be able to do it and call those little people yours. Other times it's so hard, so exhausting and can be boring.
It will push you to your limits but also you will grow so much! Oh and it's terrifying.

The highs are amazingly high and the lows are really low. If you have a partner who will get stuck in and not leave you to it you'll have a brilliant time!

It's the best, but hardest thing you will ever experience in your life.
You will never regret it. The love you feel for your own child is indescribable. There are many ups and downs and sleep can be disrupted for many years.
Go for it xxx

It's nothing like you expect it to be.
It's very very hard. I know you expect it to be hard, but it's way harder. Quite hellish actually.
Unless you have good support around you - grandparents who are willing to help, that would make it less hellish I think.

My experience is that parenting my 11 month old son has been a magical experience. He’s a bit of a unicorn baby though, easy going, sleeps well, smiley, loving. Not sure I’d be saying the same if he’d been a terrible sleeper, or grumpy and whingey and highly strung.

So, what I’m saying is it hugely depends on what you get, and that’s a risk. And one of the many reasons we are ‘one and done’. I don’t want to risk not getting another unicorn. I also love that we can have the best of both worlds with one child. More time, more focus, more energy and more money.

Choose the father wisely. DH is an incredible father and is so hands on. It’s like my son has two mothers! I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wouldn’t have considered having a baby with anyone who wasn’t prepared to go 50/50.

I had my son at 48 and my body has hardly changed. I was v fit before I got pregnant and have always looked after myself which I think makes a huge impact on how you recover and how your body ‘bounces back’. You wouldn’t know I’ve had a baby to look at me, apart from a v feint c section scar.

Oh, and don’t give up your career! I love being a mummy but it’s not all I am and going to work makes me a happy mummy. I have a day off in the week and that’s strictly for my son and I to spend the day together.

Good luck!

It's a rollercoaster. I love them immensely. I cry regularly. They are my world. The level of love is painful, my heart aches. They also drive me to brink of insanity. You will grow exponentially as a person to be the best you can be for them. You will heal traumas you didn't even know you had so they won't affect your children. Absolutely embrace it. It's wonderful and terrifying.

Becoming a parent is the best thing that has happened to me and my DH.
Both individually and together as parents.

we spent the first 6-7 years of our relationship havin fun, going out, travelling, etc. I wanted kids 3 years before he did. Once he was ready we tried and we unfortunately lost 2 babies but now have a beautiful thriving baby boy who is the most wonderful thing to ever happen to us.

the sleep deprivation is REAL. Lean on each other and support each other.
the biggest thing you will need is support from each other.
my DH was an absolute angel during my pregnancy, looked after me like he’s never looked after me before.
I was determined to be happy (although extremely anxious due to losses) during my pregnancy to ensure baby was a happy bub too.

you finally realise what it feels like to have a purpose. I no longer allow myself to be at the bottom of my priority list. If I’m not well I can’t look after baby so my health is now #1.

you may find it difficult at times, the crying, the unknown whinging… but you are that baby’s mother and usually all baby wants is mommy.

my best advice would be, don’t have preconceived ideas of what you want/ expect / how you want ur baby to be.
take every experience in your stride and with a heart full of acceptance for what comes your way.

understand your other relationships and things you are used to doing in life may become strained and different. Your priority is now to bring up another human being the best way possible.

Truth is, I’ve never been happier in life than I am now with my child.

best of luck ♥️

I should also add.. no one’s Labour is the same as anyone else’s.

educate yourself but stay open minded. Don’t say no to pain relief and just take each step as it comes.