Tell me the truth about being a parent!

[WonderingAboutBabies]

Hi everyone,

Myself (28F) and my husband (26M) are going to start trying for a baby in the New Year.

I was wondering if people could tell me a little bit about what it's really like to be a parent?

The reason I ask is because we don't have any nieces or nephews, or any friends with babies (yet!). We would literally be the first in our circles if we were to be successful. We don't have any firsthand stories of people our sort of age having kids - we haven't seen how it works and how it affects people.

We are absolutely set on kids and we've talked about all the relevant things already i.e. finances, parenting styles, writing a will, schooling, religion, etc - but we would just like to know what it's like day to day - especially in the first few years.

Is there anything we need to keep in mind?
Is there something we may not have spoken about yet but should?
Perhaps some tips or words of advice you'd be happy to share with us?

Thank you!

It's as magical as it is hard.

Some days are loooooonnng, but the years fly.

DS1 is coming to the end of primary this time and it doesn't seem 5 mins since I dropped him off in reception.

You see the world in a whole new way when you see it with your child. Watching their wonder at things you just take as normal - getting excited because a bus or a digger goes past, seeing an elephant in the zoo, playing on the beach.... you see it all as though you're seeing it for the first time again and it's lovely.

Obviously there are challenging times too - juggling childcare with work, making time for you as a couple and it not becoming ALL about a child, sleepless nights, changes to friendships - you mentioned you'd be the only one of your group to have a baby.

All the different ages and stages bring difficulties as well as magic but it's just about going along for the ride - enjoying the good and sticking together in the not so good.

Yes but that’s life isn’t it? Anything worth doing is hard. Pain and pleasure. Childbirth being an extreme example of that. There is little love or happiness without a certain degree of pain, huge effort and a degree of hardship.

If you love someone enough to throw yourself in front of an oncoming bus for them, that inevitably involves loss when they eventually fly the nest.

Love is a verb. It can be romantic but largely it’s a series of mundane, hard, testing actions. Theres’s nothing frilly about it. And when the shit really hits the fan you need to be there for your partner. And it’s the same x 5 when you commit yourself to dc.

None of us exist in a pleasure bubble all of the time do we? We’d probably grow sick of it if we did. Fulfilment comes through trying our best to overcoming obstacles, failing often, and trying again. And muddling through together.

Wow so many helpful comments already!

I am very lucky in that my DH and I do split chores and household tasks pretty evenly and we will take on more if the other is ill etc. But, we hadn't thought about the additional things we'd need to add to our to-do list, so we'll definitely chat about that!

In terms of finances/return to work/STAHP, we've already discussed this but very aware that things can change - hence why we are waiting until the new year as we are both in new roles and still on probation!

I do have a hobby that I will be very reluctant to give up. I am very into fitness and am out 5-6 days a week doing something active e.g. weightlifting, running, or gym classes. My biggest worry at the moment is having to reduce this, and the changes that will happen to my body!

DH does play golf but very infrequently, so that should be OK 👍

Some of you have recommended books - I will definitely check these out!

It's for life - they don't magic away at 18. You never stop worrying about them on some level. You would die for them even though they can drive you round the bend at times. It's never what you think it's going to be but can provide lots of nice surprises.
Never forget that you have produced another unique human being which is quite a thought.
Oh and go with the flow instead of having too many expectations and rules - you'll probably find you and they will be happier.

The truth is that you can only find out what it's like when it happens!

It's brilliant and terrifying and exciting and boring and fun and knackering

Even if you think you're fully prepared, you are not. No amount of books/asking questions will ever prepare you because everyone's journey is different.

Shit happens, sometimes things don't happen how you expected it. It certainly didn't for me. But what I do know is once they are born, you will do anything for them and you will make any situation work for them. So stop worrying, you'll figure it out.

Well. Right now my 14mo is asleep on me. She's getting two new molars. She's been hot and grouchy or downright wailing all day - she doesn't want to lie in her cot or be put down or go in the sling or eat or play with toys or watch teletubbies. She just wants me to hold her. She's slept much more than normal.
I'd have had her today anyway as she doesn't go to nursery on Fridays but we had to pick her up early yesterday so my partner had to work long into the evening to make up for lost time. Then he slept in the spare room while I had her in with me from 2:30 as she was so unsettled.
Because of her feeling so unwell we've missed out on her toddler gym class and going to soft play with one of her little friends. I missed yoga last night and she will likely miss swimming tomorrow.

That's just a snapshot of life right now! Apart from that, parenting is very hard and feels a bit relentless at this age as she's pre verbal but very communicative (and bossy) and is now a very competent walker and climber so is into everything.

And I love her so much

I guess everyone will have a different answer.

Personally, so far parenting has been fairly easy here, our children are (currently!) naturally quite calm, both have always been very good sleepers etc, so we’re probably going to suffer during the teenage years. We both have hobbies we have maintained throughout parenthood.

For us the biggest thing is the fact you can’t just put your shoes on and walk out the house and also that you come home from work and you’re still working. Time and energy wise its essentially like having a second job really.

First 5 years are hell, especially if you have a few close together but then it's really fun. Forget about having time for yourself and couple time...then you won't feel so disappointed.

"I am very into fitness and am out 5-6 days a week doing something active e.g. weightlifting, running, or gym classes. My biggest worry at the moment is having to reduce this, and the changes that will happen to my body!"

I know people who have got back into exercising very quickly after having a baby. I would say they're probably a minority, but if your baby is reasonably easy (ie decent sleeper, no health problems or disabilities, etc) there's no reason you can't do it. You could get a running buggy, go to fitness classes for parents with babies in tow, and later when baby is a bit older you could join a gym with a crèche.

I've neglected my fitness massively since having children and regret it... in my defence I had PGP in my first pregnancy, it came back in my second pregnancy and hasn't really gone away, so that made things harder. I am now trying to address things, better late than never!

Remember that people love to tell you the negative stuff. I found having babies and young children an absolute joy and lots of fun!

What covethee said

Make sure your finances are solid

You've summed it up brilliantly

We can tell you what being a parent is like for us, to our own children. Just remember that there are as many different ways to parent as there are children in the world...

Anyway, if chuck in "how are your family relationships?" Do you get on with your in-laws? Does your partner get on with your family? If you made a will, who would raise your children? It makes you think about stuff VERY deeply!!

You'll get lots of women explaining the relentlessness, and it's true. It's like groundhog day. With easy babies it can be absolutely lovely (if a bit boring for some), with hard babies it feels like hell.

If your other half is a good man and pulling his weight (this doesn't mean splitting every job 50/50, but sharing the jobs so that what needs to be done gets done, reliably, and fairly), it's vital to remember that you're on the same team. This can be so hard when you have a hard first baby like we did, and it's easy to keep score of who's had less sleep, who's not washed this bottle, tidied the poop explosion, gone to the 5th paediatrician appointment this month etc. It almost broke us.

Our second baby was an absolute doddle, partly as we had the experience already, but mainly because she's a healthy, easy baby. She sleeps through the night more at 19 months than our ds who just started school...

Suck up the lovely bits, take and PRINT photos for display to cheer everyone up at 3am vomitathons.

I know this sounds ridiculous but one thing that shocked me, not having been around dc before, is how independent-minded they are. I naievely thought that once you issued an instruction like “put your coat on” or “time for bed” they would meekly comply, like they do in the films! 😀. I mean some of the time they do, but you end up repeating yourself an awful lot 😂

I picked my son up from school today, well I tried to anyone, he gave me the eurgh don’t show me up in front of my friends look and told me he was going to the park with his friends and would come home later. He took the bag of biscuits I had taken with me for his walk home!

Yes! The first time my DD said "no" to putting her coat on I was actually shocked 😂

You'll get so many answers, it's impossible to say how you'll find being a parent. I'm a single parent with a 3 year old, I've been on my own with her more or less since she was born. I love being a mum, I've loved every stage with her, I haven't found any of it particular hard and recognise that is partly because she's fairly permanently sunny but also I'm not much of a worrier so we just muddle along together.

Worrying about exercise is pointless. I went to the gym up until the day before she was born and then didn't go again for a year. I thought it would matter to me but it didn't, it just didn't seem important at the time. Now I'm back to competitive weightlifting, even after a fairly traumatic birth, a large tear and a mild prolapse. It was all still there when the time was right. There's plenty of good pregnancy and post-partum programmes out there.

My only advice is to stay off Instagram, especially related to sleep. You'll drive yourself mad and doubt your own instincts.

0-3 = Holy shit!
3-5 = some good, some bad
5-10 = Golden Years
11-13 = ooh what happened?
13-15 = Kill me now!
16-18 = can I breathe yet?
18-21 = actually…?
21+ = love ya!

I’m just coming to the end of the Golden Years so the rest is from others’ anecdotes and experiences. Can’t wait til the next phase…

Agree with everyone else. Your experience of parenthood will almost entirely depend on how much your partner and you are a team.

Your life changes for ever in ways you cannot imagine or predict.

You may regret it sometimes and then other times feel like it's the best thing in the world.

Your baby might be easy or difficult so you may love or hate the newborn stage. Whatever happens, phases pass quickly - although it feels slow and endless at the time.

If you've got a solid partner you'll survive whatever gets thrown at you. Your relationship will change.

Got to go as my toddler is screaming and is trying to grab the phone which seems appropriate 😂

The first 3-4 years are very very hard. Relentless. Especially if your child doesn't sleep well.
You are never OFF. There are no days or hours off in parenting. Even if you have help, or time away - You're always keeping an eye on the phone. You'll never turn your phone off or onto silent again.
That was the biggest adjustment. Mentally & physically.
You are potentially needed 24/7.
You wont even get to go to the loo alone for long before someone comes looking for you.
There is never any aimless time to kill. Any YOU time you get is frantically filled.

But it's also wonderful. Very wonderful.

@I know this sounds ridiculous but one thing that shocked me, not having been around dc before, is how independent-minded they are."

My DD's first sentence was "I not wear that!"🤣

Just remember you are not having a baby, you are becoming a parent. You will be a parent first and foremost, above everything else for every day of the rest of your life. You will worry every day, you will always wonder if you could've done better. You don't know what you're going to get, they could be a dream or they could be extremely challenging in many different ways and only some of those things will you have any control or influence over. If you are both on the same page, support each other fully and are realistic and prepared for your life to change in ways you never imagined then you'll be okay.

I have found that almost every single parent that complained about their teenager was almost always extremely super dismissive of their teens’ emotions. Saying things like

“OMG SO MUCH DRAMA.”

or telling them they are blowing things out of proportion for example. The parents that took to the old advice of “Just because it doesn’t seem like a big deal to you doesn’t mean it isn’t a big deal for someone else.” almost always seemed to have a pretty well adjusted teenager and held a good relationship with them. So I can’t help but feel like a lot of the teenage drama is sort of almost exasperated by parents that are just really poor listeners. I know it’s frustrating watching them make the same mistakes over and over again as I took care of my teenage niece for a year while her parents were smack in the middle of a very messy divorce. But I feel teens are often given an unfair portrayal by parents and especially the media. We also tend to expect them to act like tiny adults. They aren’t adults. Still very much kids.