3 year old takes two hours to go to bed - at wits end

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Hello there. I know there are several threads of this nature but please forgive me starting another, as I'm at my wits' end. Our DD is 3.5 and for six months has refused to stay in bed at bedtime, coming downstairs, first cheery then getting progressively more and more hysterical if I don't lie on her bed with her to get her to sleep - a process which itself takes 1.45 hours as she is so hyper and just wants to play. I feel her getting wound up and playful then anxious at bedtime - its like her body changes.

Because lying on the bed to get her to sleep takes SO long we have decided after six months to try and get her back to where she used to be, ie going to sleep when we leave the room and pop in a couple of times (she did this solidly for about a year). I don't know where it all went wrong but I presume it was just a developmental change.

It's causing so much stress in the house. We don't get to eat dinner any more as one of us is always going up and down stairs. We fight about it and go to bed in a bad mood. We are exhausted and have no time to ourselves at all. We can't go out for dinner ever now, because we wouldn't be able to leave the house till 9pm.

She only wants me - because I do the lying on the bed - and DP and me are fighting like mad because he says my approach has caused the problem in the first place.

We have tried audiobooks - she just listens to the end and wants another. We have tried books - she reads them and then comes down to see us. We have tried changing bedtimes around - she takes two hours from whenever we start.

Life has just receded into the distance to be honest! Any advice would be beyond appreciated.

Are you trying to put her to bed too early?

Mine couldn’t sleep before 10:30pm at the earliest at that age.

What time is bedtime? What time does she actually go to sleep? Does she nap?

And how many hours does she usually sleep overnight?

You need to give more info- what time does she go to bed? Is she scared of something? Is her diet ok? Does she spend time with you during the day?

what time is bed time and what time does she wake in the morning? Any daytime naps?

We had a similar problem with ds2. Never worked out why. We had a reward chart for going to bed and staying in bed, every time he got up we took him back to bed and left the room. No eye contact, no talking. It took a good few nights of being very consistent but it worked more quickly than we expected!

Have you tried a gro clock or a stair gate across her door. DS kept getting out of bed when he was nearly 3 and I mean almost every 30 seconds. I’d barely left his room before he came charging out again. It became too much as I was heavily pregnant and exhausted and we put a stair gate on and introduced the gro clock. It took a long time for him to get it but we stayed consistent and thankfully now at 3.8 he doesn’t need the stair gate and stays in his room at bedtime. He gets up and comes into our room for me to tuck him back in if he wakes in the night but that’s absolutely fine as we’ve had our evening.

I do think it’s a developmental stage they go through and it’s so hard but I just didn’t want it to become a long term thing with a new baby on the way so had to get quite firm with DS which I found difficult but it was worth ut in the long run.

Take her back upstairs and repeat

May take 200 times one night

But be consistent

Def no lying on the bed for 1.5hrs

Or

If uou want give her 10m and say you will sit in room On a chair so gradual retreat but if she isn't asleep in those 10m then you will
Go downstairs

My friends child is similar to yours and doesn't ever want daddy

As he doesn't lie on floor like mu friend does

What time are you putting her to bed

Does she nap daytime - if she does cut it out

What time does she wake

Don't let her lie in /catch up on sleep

Wake at same time every day 7/730

I just gave up with DD after the two hour bedtime hell and she had a much later bedtime than my friends’ kids (ie 10pm) but went to sleep more easily. It did mean zero social life though. I’m afraid this means I have no advice but I do sympathise as I have been there!

Is she at nursery? Do they have a schedule there? Planner at home with meal times /play /bedtime. Explain she needs sleep to grow. And you and her df need sleep too. Being too tired results in no fun times /park trips /and mean it. Cancelling a few things because you are tired to go should make sense to her. Your dh is correct you are too soft imo.

Still napping? When is bedtime / wake up?

This!

It’s called parenting OP.

Does she nap in the day?

it sounds to me like you just put her in her bed and switch on an audiobook or give her books to read whilst you go back downstairs?

I take our son to his room, he has a wee snack and we read 4-5 books. I dim his nightlight, talk in a very calm, quiet Voice. For his very last book I tell him I will read the story but he should close his eyes. And he's gone halfway through the book.
Sounds like she just wants company bit you are desperate to sit downstairs whilst she puts herself to sleep

My god thank you so much for all these replies. I was just about to come on and add something and there are so many responses - hugely helpful and hugely appreciated.

We take her up at 7 because her "wind down" takes 2 hours... If we take her later, it just takes two hours from that time. But I agree it might well be too early. She never napped as a baby - 20 minutes maximum (it was insane). She stopped napping at 2 and never sleeps in the day.

She sleeps through the night but I think maybe she just doesn't need as much as some kids? She wakes at 7... but if she hasn't gone to sleep till 9pm she is in a foul mood and upset as soon as she wakes.

She goes to nursery - is very cheery, talkative, hyper, funny. Has always been. But this is killing us! She wants, like, eight books at bedtime (we say no).

I was going to add that when I'm out, DP can get her to sleep within an hour with NO lying on the bed.

Whenever she knows I'm in the house, she goes crazy insisting I come and lie with her. I have pretended I'm going out a few times recently and hidden in our bedroom...

But generally her pattern is getting worse with later and later nights even when it's just DP doing the bed.

I'm pregnant too hopingforbetterluck, so that's why it's just all got too much lying next to her chatting for 1.5 hours a night.

A stairgate is a good idea - we literally can't keep her in the room. I worry that she would just climb over it somehow! She is pretty agile.

Really reassuring to hear that it gets easier taking them repeatedly upstairs over and over again though...? I think it was 30 times tonight... And my god the tears!

30 isn't a lot lol

Tho I know seems a lot to you

She is playing you big time as
She will settle for her dad tho still takes time

Just be consistent

Take back. It's bed time

Then take back and say nothing

Repeat repeat repeat

You need a dog gate. Much higher.
we had one. Bedtime was fairly quick. Bath, story, cuddle bed.

Personally I’m not sure about stair gates / door gates.

ime they just get worked up behind them. I found a quietly returning him to bed (repeat ad finitum) was less traumatic all round but definitely did the trick.

Aw OP perhaps she will settle once you’ve had the baby. When DS was doing it someone asked me if maybe he could sense a change was coming but couldn’t really understand it all and I do think there was some truth to it. It got very bad just before I gave birth and I was so tired I worried I wouldn’t have enough energy.

sending solidarity OP, it will get better. She might just be extra clingy with you as she senses things are shifting. Putting DS back to bed with no chat never worked for us as he just kept getting up over and over and I was losing my mind. It was my sister who told me to put a stair gate up and leave him to it and I deferred to her better knowledge as a mum of three!

I babysat a child this age that was similar. For some reason they were afraid to fall asleep alone. The parents had tried everything sensing that the up and down, constant requests were delaying tactics to put off the inevitable being alone and waiting for sleep.

I just set up a little nest for them in the living room and said I had to do my school work but don’t worry, I will stay right here until you are fast asleep.

Each time I babysat they fell asleep faster and faster until it was literally twenty minutes before they would be out and I’d be carrying them to their bedroom.

The parents then had a baby sister that this child shared the bedroom with and just that meant this child happily went to bed because their baby sister would already by sleeping by the time it was their bedtime.

You could just not fight them on this and let them go to sleep near you while you quietly read?

Also, they are old enough that you should all be eatIng dinner as a family together if it is possible.

Bit of a different angle. Is wind down too late? Have you thought about doing it a little earlier. The reason I say this as my son had problems going to sleep and he'd be still up at 10 or even later, however it was like he'd forgotten how to get to sleep as he'd gone past his point of tiredness and was over stimulated. He's in the bath by 6.30pm now and generally asleep by 7.30pm.

Do your bedtime routine. Brush teeth, 2 stories or songs. Cuddle, say good night and leave. Sit outside the door. If she comes out, walk her right back to bed, no eye contact, no talking. Repeat as often as necessary, which will be a lot, it’ll be a battle of stubbornness. Do this every night until she gets the message. Or alternate nights with your DP, but you both have to be on the exact same page. The fact that she’ll go to bed for him says she’s playing you.

Also, 7 may be too early for her. Start at 7.30 with the goal of being out of her room by 8.

Get longer audiobooks. Enid blyton ones are good. My DS listens to the wishing chair which is about 4 hours long

What time is she up in the morning? My son is a similar age and we have had similar problems (I could have written your post a few months ago) but he’s gotten better. Maybe she’s under or over tired?

I lie with my son when he goes to sleep - usually takes 10-15 mins if he’s tired. I wake him around 6.30am and aim for a 6.30pm bedtime. I find he needs about 12 hours sleep most days. We start bathtime around 5.30, keep the lights dim and read/rub his head for about 20 mins and he gets sleepy. We still have the occasional bad night and I’ve no idea why (his routine stays the same everyday).

What time do you pick her up from nursery? Is she in full time?

Does she settle better at weekends when she has more time with you?

If dad can get her to sleep without laying next to her it will be doable. We had this with my 3.5 year old. I followed big little feelings and took some advice from them about prepping. We spoke about how bedtime will change soon, and soon he will go to bed on his own. We will read 3 storied then he can choose to lay in bed or listen to his yoto player but mummy or daddy will not be staying with him. We talked about it for a week or two then did a calendar count down. It worked and he accepted it. I was really surprised. We then did sweets first thing as a reward for sleeping through by himself for about a week and now he doesn't need that reward. He now goes to bed most nights singing to himself and waits for the sunshine on the growclock in the morning. But the key thing was to do some prep not just suddenly change the expectations.

I had this problem. In the end, I started locking myself in DDs room with her and just laying on the bed, singing to her.
It took weeks of determination but we got it down from 2 hours to now 20-30 mins. But I'm less stressed and don't mind laying with her until she falls asleep now cos she doesn't try any of the sleep refusal tactics.
We are all a lot calmer.
So I would say, do sit with her until she sleeps but you must be firm and have a proper routine In place and expect it to take a few months to bed in.
My DD is almost 4 now. She was having like 8 hrs sleep a night and then was ratty the next day too so things have improved greatly. Good luck 🙂