MIL kicked us and preschool children out of holiday villa abroad

[Mamma41]

This is my first post and apologises in advance of the length of it.

At the beginning of August DH and our 3 boys aged 4, 2 and 8 months were invited by our MIL & FIL to spend a week with them in a holiday villa in Spain they had rented. The Villa was hired for two weeks. The previous week they had my BIL and his two sons aged 3.5 and 7 stay with them. They see their other grandchildren 4-5 times a week as they live local to them.

For context DH & I look after our children with no help from any family. We live close to my mother but she's 74 and is not able to help us look after our young boys.

My father died last year and his death devastated me. My eldest son was very close to him. He doesn't have the same relationship with FIL as he doesn't see him as much but I had hoped they would become close on holiday.

Anyway, whilst on holiday my PIL continually criticised my parenting of the boys and their personalities. I should add I work Full Time, 40 hours per week in a very demanding profession. We have a nanny to look after our boys whilst I'm at work. I do all the cleaning, house hold chores whilst working and looking after the boys. DH does the weekly shop and cooking. My eldest has just started school last week. DH and I haven't been on holiday for 5 years (our honeymoon) prior to going away this year. We were both really looking forward to the break and both needed time to have together too.

So on holiday FIL tells me my 2 year old son has "no balls". He constantly cries and I immediately go to him when he does. I treat him like a baby. My 4 year old is oversensitive and doesn't talk loudly enough when my FIL tries to interact with him. I still talk to him like he's a baby. I talk to myself all the time! No one needs to hear what I'm doing and about to do! For context I tell my 4 year old what I'm doing and why I can't play with him at that exact time as I'm helping the younger two, sorting out things or tidying up! I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

DH and I were able to go out one night and when I asked PIL if we could go out to lunch one day together too they said no as its too hard looking after our children, despite them always sleeping in their afternoon because of their young ages. Four year old would be the only one awake and would play on his iPad.

Anyway, they played with the boys in the pool for one hour whilst I lay down and my husband was asleep in bed. They said it was too much and I shouldn't have left them with them. My MIL is 67 and FIL is 65. FIL has mobility issues but is a very overweight large man and likes to eat and drink whilst MIL runs around doing everything. He's a very opinionated, outspoken man. MIL is also very opinionated. However, prior to this holiday we haven't spend too much time together as we only see them 3-4 times a year.

Previously, I have always got on well with them both hence why I was shocked by the hostility towards me and our children on this holiday. It got to Thursday eve. We arrived Sat morning. We stayed in to play a game and they had run out of alcohol. They are both heavy drinkers whereas DH & I drink in moderation. This eve we had 1 glass of wine each then went to get them more alcohol from the local shop. When I returned we played a game whilst the children were all in bed. All holiday DH & I sorted out the children. MIL cooked and did the washing. FIL did very little as usual.

Anyway, as the evening progressed FIL kept making belittling comments towards me over the game. It got to a point where DH had enough and told him not to be so controlling, demeaning etc he had done it all week about my parenting, saying things about the boys, he should just stop and play the game. DH & I already agreed when we were out we would play one game and go to bed as we
Weren't enjoying his parents company on holiday.

FIL takes offence to the way DH has spoken to him. DH proceeds to give his Dad some home truths about the way he is and made him feel growing up. DH has bottled up these feelings for years. Out of nowhere FIL offers him a punch up! This literally all came out of no-where! DH said no and that's ridiculous! DH has started swearing in all this as he's so wound up and frustrated by his parents. MIL didn't intervene and wanted me to step in! I said she should listen to what her son is saying.

DH has always had confidence issues which I never understood as he's a big, gentle giant who I think is very good looking and was surprised he wasn't arrogant like most men when we met. Anyway, from spending a week with his Dad I now fully understand his confidence issues. FIL then threatened to call the police as DH was swearing at him and told us to get out of the Villa. FIL was constantly goading him, laughing in his face, trying to do anything possible to provoke my husband to fight him.

So we literally had to go inside, pack up all of our things, the baby milk, food, wake our young children, put them into the hire car and leave. MIL at no point intervened to say this is silly, everyone should go to bed and discuss it like adults in the morning. It was 1am she handed me all our wet washing and then we left.

I felt sick, the children were crying, we were in a foreign country with no where to go. We went to two hotels who wouldn't accept us as it was 1am and who would accept a family of 5 at that hour!

We drove to the airport, waited 4 hours, with hungry, upset children to be told we couldn't get a flight home until the following morning despite seats being available on their morning flight as a computer glitch meant we couldn't get booked on. We ended up driving to a budget hotel and staying their for the remainder of the holiday until our flight home the following day. My eldest son was constantly crying saying he just wanted to go home.

The only texts we received from them was about MIL missing mobile phone which DH threw into a hedge when his father said he was going to call the police!

So it's so many weeks later. DH never wants to see them again. I feel sorry things have ended like this but I don't understand any grandparents that could throw their own grandchildren out in the middle of the night. I think they expected us to leave them at the Villa but why would we when they are our children and we would never go anywhere without them. Plus all week they said they couldn't look after them when we asked them to babysit for us & had said awful things about them.

I've spoken to friends, family & my nanny who all said there's nothing wrong with my parenting. My boys are all happy, well looked after, we have no conflict at our home so this is very extreme for them to have witnessed.

So are we being unreasonable to cut all ties? To be fair I think they'd had enough from looking after their other grandchildren the week before and really couldn't be bothered with us and ours. It's clear they should have never invited us if it was too much for them to even have us around.

So you think the MIL was the person to blame for all this, not the FIL for being unpleasant, not the husband for swearing, not the husband who was presumably not pulling his weight with his kids as his wife had to do a running monologue to get help? It was all the MIL?

Not the husband for swearing

Lol. Yes, the husband swearing at being challenged to a physical fight by the father who has bullied him his entire life is the problem here. And the wife for speaking aloud to her children. Such scumbags!

I’d like to know where MIL was while her husband was bullying her son all his life? Oh yeah, just allowing it to happen. Poor woman.

I’d like to hear your MIL’s side to this story as I suspect “recollections may vary”. Neither party comes across as great in your version (except for poor MIL). Holidays with young kids are for the kids. It’s not a holiday in the usual sense for parents. You enjoy the holiday watching them go mad in the pool and look forward to a glass of wine in the evening once they are in bed. I’m frankly astounded that you expected your in-laws, in their 60’s, to supervise all three kids under 5 in the swimming pool while you and your DH took a nap, after they’d babysat for you one evening already and then requested they had them again so you could go out for lunch! Fuck me, I wish I had your balls. I would have gone feeling bloody grateful to have an extra pair of arms to hold the baby occasionally or to take one of the kids to the loo without getting everyone out the pool to do so.

...and MN decides...

Nonsense. "MN" hasn't decided nothing. Some people think A, some people think B, some people think Z, Y, X...

Or they could have taken everyone out for a meal to give MIL a break, they were getting a very cheap holiday after all.

She was probably being controlled by a nasty, aggressive bully! FFS...

I really think you and dh should have said "don't be absurd, we're going to bed now and we'll leave in the morning".

That's a good point about holidays with children. The OP says they hadn't had a holiday in 5 years so this is the first holiday they have had with children so it was probably a bit of an eye opener that a holiday is very different with 3 under 5.

And the wife for speaking aloud to her children. Such scumbags!

She wasn't "speaking aloud to her children" she openly admitted she was doing it to try and get someone to help. Passive aggressive bullshit.

like I said, the nasty, bullying FIL is absolutely the one mostly at fault here but the whole toxic situation was a disaster waiting to happen.

I can't believe you need to ask - keep your sweet boys and your DH away from these toxic people. Your MIL is just as bad for enabling/ignoring vile FIL.

Their attitude and comments before the row would have been enough to make many people go very low or no contact. But threatening violence and throwing young DC out in the middle of the night? Don't give them another thought. Hope your boys are OK now.

The vast majority of us are not grandparents. I however do appreciate my mother and MIL, which is why I wouldn't expect a nearly-70 year old woman to deal with her abusive husband while also do all the cooking and cleaning for 7 of us, giving me a night out while she cares for 2 young kids and a baby, taking all 3 of them in the pool for an hour (genuinely dangerous!) while my husband and I have a nap. I definitely wouldn't consider it 'doing loads' and then post a thread aimed at the one paying for my holiday and doing all the skivvy work while 2 fully grown adults did child care for our own kids, 2 of whom still nap.

FIL is a bastard. DH seems like he might not be as gentle a giant as op says, if he is blowing up and leaving her to 'do loads' (or alternatively, it's the OP who's being very unreasonable). MIL might not be a walk in the park, but she comes out the most blameless of the lot - and that's in her DIL's own version.

She was probably being controlled by a nasty, aggressive bully! FFS...

But you afford no such excuse for the son.

Apparently the son’s swearing at being challenged to a physical fight by his nasty, aggressive bully of a father is worse than the MIL allowing her child to be bullied for his entire childhood by his father.

Why is the MIL seen a victim of the FIL, but the son isn’t? The MIL should have protected her son from his father! This situation is absolutely not on the shoulders of the son. It is the fault of the nasty, aggressive bullying FIL, and his wife who has allowed it to continue for the entirely of her son’s life.

DH seems like he might not be as gentle a giant as op says, if he is blowing up

There seems to be quite the misconception about anger on MNs.

Anger from the DH in this situation is perfectly rational and valid.

Using a perfectly reasonable response against someone in this manner is abusive, so it really says more about the people on this thread than it does about the DH in the situation.

Did you cook for your in-laws at all or take them out for lunch or dinner as a thank you to them for inviting you on their holiday?

I ask because there is clearly a mismatch of expectations here. I imagine that you saw a holiday with them as a chance to be able to have a lovely break with some free childcare thrown in. They thought they were doing something nice just by inviting you and that you would have shown a bit of gratitude and made a fuss of them. Not asking them to babysit and slinking off for rests leaving them with everything.

I haven’t always had the easiest relationship with my in-laws but have been away with them a lot. When invited on their holidays or even when we’ve invited them on ours, we do the lions share of the cooking, cleaning etc and we take them out for lunch/supper as a treat. We would never expect or ask for them to look after our kids so we can have some alone time, we’d consider this very rude! They have offered of course but even then we usually would say let’s all go out together.

You all behaved pretty terribly, tbh. And I doubt any of you will learn anything, and lo, the cycle will continue.

None of you exactly covered yourselves in glory, although your FiL took things to another level, closely followed by your shouty, phone-throwing DH. Why is your MiL being blamed for her husband's behaviour?

As for this:

I also talk out loud in the hope someone may offer to help me as it's clear I'm doing loads!

That would annoy the fuck out of me so I imagine it probably wound your PiL up nicely.

Think it'd be a long time before I'd want to spend time with them again.

You don't have to do anything, OP. Your parents-in-law obviously aren't keen on you. Your DH is furious with them. And after that horrible row you're estranged. Just let your DH process it all & support him whatever he wants to do.

They're arseholes.

I don’t think anyone has behaved well. Your husband threw a phone into a hedge? Just one thing that stands out.

And expecting your hosts to babysit 3 kids more than once is cheeky. I’m sure there are 2 sides to this story.

Honestly?
They've done you a favour
You dont ever have to see them again:)

Well you shouldn't have been kicked out especially with the children but I also don't get why you are just blaming your MIL in the title...

Your FIL sounds very unpleasant and he was the one who threatened violence and kicked you out. Ok your MIL didn't stop him, but if he was getting violent towards your DH are you sure he wouldn't hit your MIL if she went against him? Especially when he's drunk? Maybe she thought you should diffuse the situation by calming down your DH because she thought that had the best chance of working without someone getting hurt? Instead it sounds like you chose to stir and told her to listen to what DH was saying. I get that you wanted them to hear it but was that really the time? Your FIL at least was drunk and abusive, everyone was tired and angry, your kids could have woken and heard what was going on... And of course your MIL didn't message you the next day, she didn't have a phone as your DH had thrown it in a bush!

Your MIL cooked and washed for you for a week and babysat your 3 children for an evening as well as in the pool (3 young kids with one adult in a pool sounds pretty stressful to me!) but instead of sounding grateful you sound resentful that you didn't get more. Maybe she was expecting a holiday too. Maybe either you or your DH could have cooked while the other one looked after the kids and your MIL could have got some fun play time in with her grandchildren. It sounds like this was your first holiday with kids, so maybe you weren't expecting it to be hard, but there are enough threads on here about holidaying with kids to give you some idea!

It sounds like it was a rough time for everyone, and maybe keeping your distance for a while would be helpful. But I think some apologies might be due on all sides (maybe not to your FIL!). And don't leave all your kids with them unless you're sure everyone is happy with that - I wouldn't want someone with your FIL's attitudes looking after my kids without me there to shield them anyway.

But if the FIL was so bad to his son, why was the son happy to leave his own DC with him? Surely if OP's DH was such a victim he would want to protect his own DC from the man who victimised him?

All this

(is you did the PA running commentary around me my slapping hand would be getting twitchy. But I would use my words and tell you to stop it. And probably put earphones in)

@JC89 I don't think the son is "worse" than his father. The father sounds utterly awful. But I just think the OP should be wary because she has now seen how her dp reacts in incredibly stressful situations and that he is also capable of being explosive. Just worth being aware.

OP, is there anything your DH could have done during the week to stop things from escalating to that point? It sounds like your MIL worked all week, you did a certain amount very resentfully and neither of the men were any use, which meant they contributed to a sour atmosphere.

I’m afraid you all sound awful to me 🙄 Your constant passive aggressive chuntering would make me want to pop a cover over your head as though you were a parrot that was getting on my wick! You say that you do all the work with your boys and yet you have a nanny when you’re at home. You’re very lucky to be able to afford paid help and most of us have to drive our kids from childcare providers, pick them up, make their lunches etc, etc on a daily basis even if we work full time. No medals are handed out because that’s simply the reality parenthood. I take it no one forced you to have three kids?

Your husband sounds odd. Maybe he was bullied in childhood like myself but I dealt with it through counselling and going no contact, not expecting my parents to pay for a holiday for me and my kids, cook and clean for us all whilst we took naps! Please get him professional help if he’s incapable of getting it for himself.

Your father in law sounds like a bully, yes, but who are you to judge his eating and drinking habits? You don’t appear to like being judged yourself do you?

Your mother in law sounds ground down by life and I doubt you, your DH and kids added much happiness to the second week of her so called “holiday” because, be honest, skivvying away for you and your family, for which you are profoundly ungrateful, wouldn’t be most people’s idea of a holiday!