Not what I expected/hoped :(

[motherofbantams]

Prepared to be flamed - though I hope not. I am not sure who to talk to as I feel bad about how I am feeling.

So I gave birth three weeks ago (ECS), and I am not enjoying being a mum. I feel very little affection for my baby, and also very little affection for anyone else in my life too.
I am expressing milk and formula feeding as she has tongue tie that we are waiting to have fixed. I cannot have any good hugs - she roots around and gets upset on me every time I hug her - which I assume is not helping with bonding. It all feels like a chore with no high points.
I feel so guilty as I miss work and feel like my life would be better if I had not had her.
I feel like someone else would be better at looking after her and she would be happier.
What is happening to me? I had 5 rounds of IVF to get here. I wanted it more than anything. ~1000 pessaries, ~750 pills, ~500 injections - I am meant to be able to say 'priceless' - but I don't feel it.
Any advice gratefully received!

Oh OP, I have been where you are, I felt exactly the same- 3 weeks and you're still physically recovering, you're adapting to a new way of life and your hormones are still levelling out; its bloody hard! I would gently suggest its worth reaching out to your health visitor or GP if you're finding things tough, they don't judge and want to help support you. Time does usually help, but in the here and now some additional help can make a huge difference. Your body and mind have been through and are going through a lot, it sounds like you're doing great but I also felt guilty for not feeling like I bonded straight away and for feeling regret. I think lots of women do but it's still a tad taboo to talk about (although it shouldn't be). It's good you have reached out to us, make sure you let your support network know what you need and if you feel able please do talk to them about this.

This is completely normal. Nothing is wrong with you. You're not a bad mum.

Birth is traumatic. The newborn stage is brutal and thankless. They demand everything and give nothing back whilst you're in pain and exhausted.

It sounds impossible now but it does get better. They'll sleep better, they'll smile. They'll say Mama. You will heal (physically and emotionally) and you will bond with your child.

It's not instant for many mums.

Take your time and do not be afraid to ask for help. Friends, family or professionals if need be.

People are there to help. You're not alone.

❤️

I'm no expert but these are some of the characteristics of post natal depression, so talk over with a HCP who you trust, as soon as you can.

Yeah its a horrible time but it doesnt last forever x

Three weeks after the birth of my first baby I still felt like I'd been hit by a train. Everything in your life has changed, you're exhausted... and although I didn't have fertility issues I imagine there's more pressure, including from yourself, to feel like everything is perfect? It never is with a small baby, it's knackering and unrelenting. You need lots of rest, good food and time. I think you should mention to your GP (or HV if you're lucky enough to have a good one) that you're struggling, just in case you may be developing PND - if it is, the earlier you know about it the better.

Nothing could have lived up to the hype that that sorry of effort to conceive deserves. You've tried so hard for so long, it's like walking up after your wedding day and feeling blue. But will a wrecked body and no sleep and hormones everywhere.

Don't get caught up on what you think makes good bonding. You will bond. DS was in NICU for weeks, I didn't even hold him until he was 3 weeks and then on pillows so not like proper cuddles. Trust me, he'd bonded like a needy koala who senses his mother looking to empty her pouch!

Please be honest with your HV etc tho, and whomever else you have around you. This time is hard x

I felt like my daughter's caretaker for the first couple of months. The bond grew over the following few months once I was getting the hang of making bottles ,getting up in the night and seeing her smiling. It is very hard and a massive adjustment but make sure that talk to your health visitor too, they are there for both mum and baby xx

No one ever tells you how completely overwhelming it is having a baby. It's like being hit by a truck and walking around disoriented trying to make sense of what has happened.

I developed PND by 5 weeks, it sounds like your n the cusp of this. Please contact your GP so that support can be given to you.

Your hormones will be bonkers at this stage. I felt all over the place at 3 weeks. They also give NOTHING back till they start smiling at about 6 weeks. My mum told me she reckoned they evolved to smile at 6 weeks because of they didn't you'd be ready to chuck them out of the window by then....

Please just look after yourself and keep your expectations of the newborn stage low and the pressure off.

I distinctly remember standing in DD’s room when she was 3 weeks old and thinking, “What the FUCK have I done?”

It really, really does get better. Newborns are relentless, boring and thankless. Older babies are better, toddlers more so…you get the picture.

I didn't feel like I loved my baby until he was 3. Social media builds child birth up into this enormous thing where you will be given your baby within 0.5 milliseconds of giving birth and that's it - you'll never want to leave their side, you'll stay at home for the next 18 years, dropping them off at the school gates onto to desperately return an hour before school finishes because you are so desperate to see them again.

For some of us it's just not like that. I love my children more than anything but they were both leeches as babies and I couldn't wait to get back to work. But I think I'm the only person on MN who feels like that 🙂

Massive hugs.
Do speak to people about how you feel - your GP or HV will be able to help.
You're far from alone and very much not a bad Mum.
Newborns are really really hard work and the adjustment from your old life can be unexpectedly brutal - even for a much wanted child.
I woke up the day after DD was born with dread in my stomach and an overwhelming feeling of having made a terrible mistake! I didn't bond instantly and had no 'rush' of love. But it grew.
It will get better but do ask for help. Post natal depression is very real.

I had four miscarriages before my son was born.

I hated the newborn stage. He screamed most of the night. The breastfeeding was painful and horrendous.

I hated the control this tiny little horror had over me.

My annoying baby is now 21 years old. He's lovely now.

Oh my goodness this is so normal!! Your life has been turned completely upside down, you are stressed and sleep deprived and your hormones have shifted dramatically. Be kind to yourself. The first bit is so hard! Speak to the dr if you think you might be suffering with PND so it can be nipped it the bud x

Echoing other comments - there is nothing wrong with you!
Please don't be harsh on yourself, you've been through so much to get to this point and I think we're sold this rose tinted vision of motherhood and how amazing it is. When the reality is, it's hard! And not everyone bonds IMMEDIATELY with baby. SO NORMAL!
Keep talking about it, I hope you've got good support around you?

I honestly felt like this with my first, honestly i felt like I was babysitting and very detached. But I can remember one point when she was about 4/5 weeks when she looked at me and half smiled and something clicked in me and I must have cried for ages after. I did have pnd but didn't ask for help and wish I did and it would have made everything easier. Please speak to someone if you keep feeling this way

The fact that you say you have very little affection for anyone else is both a positive and a concern. It's not just your baby so don't look at it as "failing to bond" - you are struggling to feel that bond with anyone right now. It does, however, sound very much like the early signs of PND - you should speak to your GP ASAP.

PND is way more common than anyone thinks as most people (me included) want to showcase a perfect life with their new baby to everyone outside of their closest circle. This is where forums are invaluable as people are way more open with strangers on the internet! Your GP will have seen this many times and will be able to help x

I rememer standing changing DD2 when she was just three weeks old and saying outloud 'I've made a mistake, I've made a mistake' over and over again.

She's 14mo now and the light of my life along with DD1.

This first bit is hard, you are expected to love this tiny creature that you don't even know when they give you very little back and you are sore and exhausted and hormones going bad. Just keep on keeping on. It gets better.

This is so normal and the good news is it gets so much better. Newborns are little balls of reflexes that have no capacity for any deep emotions, beyond ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘I’m tired - somebody do something about it ‘. They extract every little bit of you emotionally and physically and, selfishly, give pretty much nothing in return, other than sleep deprivation, sore nipples and mountains of washing. I’ve never really known a ‘cuddly newborn’. DC1 rooted all the time and DC2 wants to be carried round the house on my shoulder. I’m sure snuggly newborns exist but mine have only ever really enjoyed being held when asleep or breastfeeding. DC1 became more cuddly as he got older. DC2 is 8 weeks and things are just starting to improve. He’s a little more interactive and a little easier to read. I can tell you from DC1, it gets better with each passing week. Older babies and toddlers are really good fun.

It’s completely okay to miss work and your old life. It doesn’t make you a bad mum, just an honest one. Lots of people have and will feel exactly the same.

Also, would private tongue tie snip be an option? It’s about £150 round here.

A few years ago, I read a study about how getting strangers to stare into each others' eyes can make them fall in love. Maybe try putting your baby in a bouncer and just look into her eyes for a while? It's helped me when I was struggling to bond with my youngest.

The baby blues can kick in around this time but so can post natal depression. When your HV asks how you’re doing- be honest. They can help.

OP I felt the exact same. I was so full of sadness and regret for the first 6 weeks or so. I don’t think I bonded with my baby until she was around 6 months. Like other posters have said, it is such a tough time! Your hormones will be everywhere and I imagine you are in a lot of physical discomfort. Your whole life has turned upside down and you’re not sleeping. Please give yourself some grace and time. For some mums - LOTS of mums- things don’t just click into place overnight, but steadily things will feel better in time. Short term wins that made me feel a bit better everyday were constant snacks, binging TV, getting outside for 20 mins a day and accepting help at every opportunity. If at your 6 week check you feel the same please let the GP/HV know. Look after yourself.

Three weeks is the pits, you are still exhausted from giving birth and haven’t yet got used to how to do everything. Throw in a baby who is new to the world and extremely demanding and you have a very difficult situation.
Good news is it gets better. Not everyone is a baby person but they are only small for so long and you may enjoy it more once baby is a bit older.
Also in my experience the people I knew who had the hardest journey to conceive were the ones who found it hardest to adjust. Perhaps because they had been child free for longer, or because they had spent so long wanting it. Then the reality of life with a newborn is more of a shock if you think it is the one thing which will make you happy.

Definitely not the only person! I'm a much better mum if I work and I went back when DS was 3 months.