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Original poster

Not what I expected/hoped :(

95 replies

motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 18:42

Prepared to be flamed - though I hope not. I am not sure who to talk to as I feel bad about how I am feeling.

So I gave birth three weeks ago (ECS), and I am not enjoying being a mum. I feel very little affection for my baby, and also very little affection for anyone else in my life too.
I am expressing milk and formula feeding as she has tongue tie that we are waiting to have fixed. I cannot have any good hugs - she roots around and gets upset on me every time I hug her - which I assume is not helping with bonding. It all feels like a chore with no high points.
I feel so guilty as I miss work and feel like my life would be better if I had not had her.
I feel like someone else would be better at looking after her and she would be happier.
What is happening to me? I had 5 rounds of IVF to get here. I wanted it more than anything. ~1000 pessaries, ~750 pills, ~500 injections - I am meant to be able to say 'priceless' - but I don't feel it.
Any advice gratefully received!

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ValancyRedfern · 09/09/2023 21:39

This is totally normally. 3 weeks in my partner and both regularly asked each other 'what have we done?' And I wanted nothing more than to return dd to the baby shop and claim a refund. It gets easier slowly. It feels like a lifetime (anyone who says 'it goes to fast'about babyhood is clearly insane, it takes at least 3 millenia for baby to reach a year old) but you will get there.

Blackoutbeans · 09/09/2023 21:52

I remember that for the first few months I was a mess, crying and so exhausted all the time. The expressing, the guilt I couldn't breastfeed (mine also had a tongue tie that sadly got sorted at around 3 months) plus colic. I can honestly say I didn't feel much towards my child or bonded with until much later, probably around the 6-8 months mark.

I was in bits, couldn't understand how such a wanted baby couldn't make me feel any feelings of love or joy. I cared for her and made sure she had everything she needed but at the same time was so envious of all those new mums saying how their life changed in an instant and they fell in love as soon as they've seen their babies etc.

This isn't discussed enough I feel, it is totally normal not to fall madly in love for this new human that just came into your life. You are exhausted, your life has changed completely.
Like all other relationships, it takes time. And I promise that one day you'll be looking at your baby and think that there is absolutely nothing in this world that you will ever love as much and there is no feeling like it.

And by the way, congratulations and you are doing great!

Mariposa26 · 09/09/2023 21:53

Just wanted to say I felt the same, for a good few weeks. I thought I’d made a horrible mistake, I sometimes felt suicidal. A lot of my friends said they felt the same. I looked after her, and never neglected her, but couldn’t relate to people who say they feel love straightaway or this amazing “newborn bubble”. I hated it. She had awful colic which I wasn’t expecting either, and also tongue tie so we had feeding issues and I felt dreadfully guilty about wanting to stop breastfeeding. I was so unhappy.
One day my baby was 8 weeks old and I was feeding her whilst watching TV. I was looking away from her and looked back, and she was just smiling at me, waiting for me to smile back. Until then she had only smiled when we had done something to get one! My heart just melted at her little face sitting there smiling happily at her mummy.
Gradually the days got better and brighter until one day I realised I hadn’t felt bad at all that day - in fact, I’d enjoyed it. Now I love every day - and she’s only 23 weeks (which probably seems so long away now, but it goes so fast). Things really do change so quickly.
Hang in there - you’re in the trenches right now. It’s shit. But it will get better and it will happen fast.

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Antenatal & postnatal Breast & bottle feeding Families General parenting
Mariposa26 · 09/09/2023 21:56

Oh, and ask for help/support if you need it! Your partner, family, friends, GP.

Greenfishy · 09/09/2023 21:58

As so many others have said, this is completely normal, especially if you’ve had a traumatic birth. Hardly anyone I know had the ‘rush of love’.
Do try to talk to someone about it - your partner, mum or your health visitor, and keep an eye on yourself. If it doesn’t get better or gets worse then yes you need to see your GP in a few weeks. But I really do feel it’s normal to feel like this at first. And breastfeeding is super hard! Go easy on yourself. It does get better. And if doesn’t, there is help. All the best.

Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:02

Seashellies · 09/09/2023 18:46

Oh OP, I have been where you are, I felt exactly the same- 3 weeks and you're still physically recovering, you're adapting to a new way of life and your hormones are still levelling out; its bloody hard! I would gently suggest its worth reaching out to your health visitor or GP if you're finding things tough, they don't judge and want to help support you. Time does usually help, but in the here and now some additional help can make a huge difference. Your body and mind have been through and are going through a lot, it sounds like you're doing great but I also felt guilty for not feeling like I bonded straight away and for feeling regret. I think lots of women do but it's still a tad taboo to talk about (although it shouldn't be). It's good you have reached out to us, make sure you let your support network know what you need and if you feel able please do talk to them about this.

Thank you so much! So great to know I am not alone in this x

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:03

BiggestBird · 09/09/2023 18:48

This is completely normal. Nothing is wrong with you. You're not a bad mum.

Birth is traumatic. The newborn stage is brutal and thankless. They demand everything and give nothing back whilst you're in pain and exhausted.

It sounds impossible now but it does get better. They'll sleep better, they'll smile. They'll say Mama. You will heal (physically and emotionally) and you will bond with your child.

It's not instant for many mums.

Take your time and do not be afraid to ask for help. Friends, family or professionals if need be.

People are there to help. You're not alone.

❤️

I can't wait for her to smile - maybe when it is not all 'give' it will get easier

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:03

Summerhillsquare · 09/09/2023 18:48

I'm no expert but these are some of the characteristics of post natal depression, so talk over with a HCP who you trust, as soon as you can.

I will call the GP/HV monday, thanks

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:04

Greensleeves · 09/09/2023 18:53

Three weeks after the birth of my first baby I still felt like I'd been hit by a train. Everything in your life has changed, you're exhausted... and although I didn't have fertility issues I imagine there's more pressure, including from yourself, to feel like everything is perfect? It never is with a small baby, it's knackering and unrelenting. You need lots of rest, good food and time. I think you should mention to your GP (or HV if you're lucky enough to have a good one) that you're struggling, just in case you may be developing PND - if it is, the earlier you know about it the better.

Yes, rest would help! A friend had a night-doula. Would be amazing!

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:05

TinyTeacher · 09/09/2023 19:08

Your hormones will be bonkers at this stage. I felt all over the place at 3 weeks. They also give NOTHING back till they start smiling at about 6 weeks. My mum told me she reckoned they evolved to smile at 6 weeks because of they didn't you'd be ready to chuck them out of the window by then....

Please just look after yourself and keep your expectations of the newborn stage low and the pressure off.

Yes a smile would win her lots of points right now!

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pepino · 09/09/2023 22:06

What's wrong with you? Well you've just had a baby, your hormones are all messed up and you're feeling what my Nan would have called the "baby blues". It's natural and completely normal! Speak to your HV or midwife if you've not been singed over yet. Or, your GP.

Lesina · 09/09/2023 22:06

You are not alone. I remember thinking ‘if someone could just take her away, no questions asked’ Carrying a baby, giving birth is traumatic. Your feelings are normal. It will get better.

Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:06

devildeepbluesea · 09/09/2023 19:09

I distinctly remember standing in DD’s room when she was 3 weeks old and thinking, “What the FUCK have I done?”

It really, really does get better. Newborns are relentless, boring and thankless. Older babies are better, toddlers more so…you get the picture.

Yep! I am 60% 'I wish I had not had her' at the moment. Was 50% yesterday but had no sleep last night

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:07

Rainsdropskeepfalling · 09/09/2023 19:14

I didn't feel like I loved my baby until he was 3. Social media builds child birth up into this enormous thing where you will be given your baby within 0.5 milliseconds of giving birth and that's it - you'll never want to leave their side, you'll stay at home for the next 18 years, dropping them off at the school gates onto to desperately return an hour before school finishes because you are so desperate to see them again.

For some of us it's just not like that. I love my children more than anything but they were both leeches as babies and I couldn't wait to get back to work. But I think I'm the only person on MN who feels like that 🙂

I remember having feelings for her or at least that she was here and alive - the moment she was born - but It seems to have gone backwards since

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:08

Beamur · 09/09/2023 19:17

Massive hugs.
Do speak to people about how you feel - your GP or HV will be able to help.
You're far from alone and very much not a bad Mum.
Newborns are really really hard work and the adjustment from your old life can be unexpectedly brutal - even for a much wanted child.
I woke up the day after DD was born with dread in my stomach and an overwhelming feeling of having made a terrible mistake! I didn't bond instantly and had no 'rush' of love. But it grew.
It will get better but do ask for help. Post natal depression is very real.

Thanks i will contact tge GP

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:08

Floos · 09/09/2023 19:17

I had four miscarriages before my son was born.

I hated the newborn stage. He screamed most of the night. The breastfeeding was painful and horrendous.

I hated the control this tiny little horror had over me.

My annoying baby is now 21 years old. He's lovely now.

Tiny little horror! Totally!

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:08

Gcsunnyside23 · 09/09/2023 19:30

I honestly felt like this with my first, honestly i felt like I was babysitting and very detached. But I can remember one point when she was about 4/5 weeks when she looked at me and half smiled and something clicked in me and I must have cried for ages after. I did have pnd but didn't ask for help and wish I did and it would have made everything easier. Please speak to someone if you keep feeling this way

Yes, babysitting and detached is accurate!

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:09

YouLetDougalDoAFuneral · 09/09/2023 19:31

The fact that you say you have very little affection for anyone else is both a positive and a concern. It's not just your baby so don't look at it as "failing to bond" - you are struggling to feel that bond with anyone right now. It does, however, sound very much like the early signs of PND - you should speak to your GP ASAP.

PND is way more common than anyone thinks as most people (me included) want to showcase a perfect life with their new baby to everyone outside of their closest circle. This is where forums are invaluable as people are way more open with strangers on the internet! Your GP will have seen this many times and will be able to help x

Thanks, I had none of the pnd risk factors so thought it could not happen to me. But here we are!

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fairymary87 · 09/09/2023 22:10

Almost every mum has felt this way after birth. It's rough. You're feeling what we've all felt and it doesn't make us awful, it makes us human. However your feelings are very strong I would contact your GP or HV for support and see how you feel in the next few weeks x

Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:10

VivaVivaa · 09/09/2023 19:34

This is so normal and the good news is it gets so much better. Newborns are little balls of reflexes that have no capacity for any deep emotions, beyond ‘I’m hungry’ or ‘I’m tired - somebody do something about it ‘. They extract every little bit of you emotionally and physically and, selfishly, give pretty much nothing in return, other than sleep deprivation, sore nipples and mountains of washing. I’ve never really known a ‘cuddly newborn’. DC1 rooted all the time and DC2 wants to be carried round the house on my shoulder. I’m sure snuggly newborns exist but mine have only ever really enjoyed being held when asleep or breastfeeding. DC1 became more cuddly as he got older. DC2 is 8 weeks and things are just starting to improve. He’s a little more interactive and a little easier to read. I can tell you from DC1, it gets better with each passing week. Older babies and toddlers are really good fun.

It’s completely okay to miss work and your old life. It doesn’t make you a bad mum, just an honest one. Lots of people have and will feel exactly the same.

Edited

Thanks, yes I am so good at my work job - just not good at this so of am missing work!

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:11

VivaVivaa · 09/09/2023 19:37

Also, would private tongue tie snip be an option? It’s about £150 round here.

Yes - have just booked for Tuesday!

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:12

dontyouworryboutathing · 09/09/2023 20:00

OP huge hugs, as you can already see we've all been there.

These early days are horrid, but one day you'll walk to the park with you child having a silly conversations, or when they're grown up go out for a beer with them - there is much to look forward but it's a long term game and these early days are brutal!!

Cannot wait :)

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:13

HappyPurrrsday · 09/09/2023 20:02

You’re not going to get flamed. Lots of us feel this way.

took me 3 months to go from seeing my baby as a sort of pet I was obligated to care for, to actually looking at her and thinking “wow, that’s my baby.” I think it took a bit longer still to feel like I really loved her and feel that rush of oxytocin.

At two weeks I shouted at my husband to take the baby away because I didn’t want to be a mum anymore. I was sick of the relentlessness of it, I wanted my old life back. And to sleep!

Bless you, I have thought about leaving in the night to be honest! Is so hard and I am so tired

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Rainsdropskeepfalling · 09/09/2023 22:13

@motherofbantams

I think your feelings change all the time - I think it's easy to assume that every other mother is loving the whole thing 24 hours a day, and I think it's important to know you're not alone with these feelings.

As an aside both of mine had tongue ties and the snip wasn't traumatic for them.

Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:13

OneBigToDoList · 09/09/2023 20:05

I hope you feel better soon OP. I remember thinking afterwards that it was all a bit of an anticlimax! I didn’t have a journey like yours, but after all the excitement and anticipation of pregnancy I felt - not disappointed, but a bit flat? And definitely not in the kind of newborn bubble I had expected. Like others have said, be kind to yourself, it’s such early days. And do try to be honest with the dr/hv in case it develops into something else x

Yes I much preferred being pregnant!

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