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Original poster

Not what I expected/hoped :(

95 replies

motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 18:42

Prepared to be flamed - though I hope not. I am not sure who to talk to as I feel bad about how I am feeling.

So I gave birth three weeks ago (ECS), and I am not enjoying being a mum. I feel very little affection for my baby, and also very little affection for anyone else in my life too.
I am expressing milk and formula feeding as she has tongue tie that we are waiting to have fixed. I cannot have any good hugs - she roots around and gets upset on me every time I hug her - which I assume is not helping with bonding. It all feels like a chore with no high points.
I feel so guilty as I miss work and feel like my life would be better if I had not had her.
I feel like someone else would be better at looking after her and she would be happier.
What is happening to me? I had 5 rounds of IVF to get here. I wanted it more than anything. ~1000 pessaries, ~750 pills, ~500 injections - I am meant to be able to say 'priceless' - but I don't feel it.
Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
tribpot · 09/09/2023 19:45

Just echoing everyone else to say this is totally normal. Almost more so, I would think, when you went through such a lot to get to this point with the (understandable) expectation that you would feel elated when it finally happened. Eventually you will feel elated but fuck me parenting is hard work.

I also agree, do let your DP and HV know how you're feeling. Make sure you get help if you need it.

dontyouworryboutathing · 09/09/2023 20:00

OP huge hugs, as you can already see we've all been there.

These early days are horrid, but one day you'll walk to the park with you child having a silly conversations, or when they're grown up go out for a beer with them - there is much to look forward but it's a long term game and these early days are brutal!!

HappyPurrrsday · 09/09/2023 20:02

You’re not going to get flamed. Lots of us feel this way.

took me 3 months to go from seeing my baby as a sort of pet I was obligated to care for, to actually looking at her and thinking “wow, that’s my baby.” I think it took a bit longer still to feel like I really loved her and feel that rush of oxytocin.

At two weeks I shouted at my husband to take the baby away because I didn’t want to be a mum anymore. I was sick of the relentlessness of it, I wanted my old life back. And to sleep!

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Antenatal & postnatal Breast & bottle feeding Families General parenting
Itsallchange · 09/09/2023 20:03

See if your trust has a perinatal mental health team, there is lots of support for you, just reach out for it. Lots of love ❤️

OneBigToDoList · 09/09/2023 20:05

I hope you feel better soon OP. I remember thinking afterwards that it was all a bit of an anticlimax! I didn’t have a journey like yours, but after all the excitement and anticipation of pregnancy I felt - not disappointed, but a bit flat? And definitely not in the kind of newborn bubble I had expected. Like others have said, be kind to yourself, it’s such early days. And do try to be honest with the dr/hv in case it develops into something else x

CantFindTheBeat · 09/09/2023 20:08

Ah, OP.

You are not alone at all.

My two are grown now - super-well adjusted and I love love love them.

I had multiple miscarriages while trying for them, and thought that once they were here it would be plane sailing.

Brains have other ideas - i had hideous anxiety and intrusive thoughts after both which stopped me from bonding and enjoying the early months,

I got treatment for it and it was the best thing for me.

Lots and lots of love to you,

Rowgtfc72 · 09/09/2023 20:13

@Rainsdropskeepfalling you're not the only one. I think dd was 18 months old when I realised I might actually love her. Until then I'd been looking after her because she was small and had needs.
Definitely not pnd, I just couldn't understand how you could instantly love someone you'd never met before, who took everything from you, without getting to know them.
We fall in love with our partners. Why not our babies?
That's just Mr.
Might be worth a chat with your health visitor or doctor, but babies and hormones are a massive culture shock to your system.

Myrightboob · 09/09/2023 20:16

I remember this stage with my first. Sleep deprivation so bad I would hallucinate. Overwhelming anxiety which meant I couldn’t sleep even though it’s all I wanted. I had some really dark thoughts and just wanted to turn back time. I knew it was bad because these thoughts became overwhelming rather than fleeting/occasional.

Three weeks is growth spurt time too so you’re at a real tough stage.

When my first was a newborn I sought help and got out of that dark cloud with a combination of medication, therapy and time. I’ve just had my second baby and whilst I’ve had a couple of moments of “oh god what have I done”, I don’t have anything like those same dark thoughts this time around.

Very few people pop a baby out and breeze through the newborn phase without feeling down at some point and to some degree. It could be PND or just bad baby blues, but it’s really normal. Three of my friends all had PND (that I know of, I’m sure there will be more).

Reach out for help and you will absolutely get it. Please please do.

Happyhappyday · 09/09/2023 20:19

I told DH I wanted to give her up for adoption. When he kindly declined, I plotted running away from the family in the middle of the night. I wasn’t quite suicidal because I didn’t want to die. But I didn’t want it to be my life and since I didn’t actually want DD to die, I concluded it was me who had to go.

Fortunately I was able to sell refer for counseling and was seen within the week (new parents were prioritized). DD is almost 5 years old now and I do love her to but. I deeply regretted having her for several months and it wasn’t until around 9 months when I really LOVED her, but also still felt like I wouldn’t do it again. I would now.

It feels awful right now, but do seek urgent help, it will get better over time.

Casiotoad · 09/09/2023 20:24

Having a baby has its beautiful Moments but it is also incredibly incredibly incredibly wearing, lonely and hard. I felt exactly like you and I thought it was just me at the time.

I had PTSD from the birth and subsequently PND but wouldn’t admit it, is there anyone who you can speak to about how you’re feeling?

i know it sounds so hollow right now but you have to believe the people who say it gets better, come 12 months you will be a new person…

babyproblems · 09/09/2023 20:30

3 weeks in - you are in the trenches and on an epic emotional hormonal rollercoaster. Don’t panic- you will settle eventually and feel like yourself again! Where you are now is so temporary and fleeting and such a shock to the system.
keep giving cuddles even if it’s tough - can you give a bottle so she stops rooting during every snuggle? At this point just keep breathing and remember how new this is to you. It will become easier!! Congratulations xxxxxx

MidnightOnceMore · 09/09/2023 20:33

I had 5 rounds of IVF to get here. I wanted it more than anything. ~1000 pessaries, ~750 pills, ~500 injections - I am meant to be able to say 'priceless' - but I don't feel it. This is a horrible pressure those who had a tough journey to parenthood feel. It is known that those who had IVF are even more prone to feeling reality is very different to the pre-birth hopes. The pressure to be 'grateful' makes it harder.

I'd say be very kind to yourself and also speak to a HCP about whether you may have pnd.

Puddlelane123 · 09/09/2023 21:04

This is very normal OP, and far more common than the #blessed posts on social media would have us believe. There is so much pressure to bond immediately, to treasure every moment, to exist in a newborn bubble of happiness and joy and gratitude. And this is magnified after any kind of traumatic reproductive journey because we then feel guilt when the reality is so different from how we imagined it would be. It is no coincidence that rates of PND are so high amongst women who have previously miscarried or experienced infertility - not only do we have longer to imagine and idealise our images of what motherhood will look like, we also feel far less able to admit we are struggling with the reality.

And the reality is that babies, whilst wonderful little creatures, are unbelievably hard work. They can bring us to our knees in sheer exhaustion and overwhelm at the prospect of being responsible for their care. You are very much in the trenches now, and it will 100% get easier in the coming weeks. Another 3 weeks and you will get those amazing first smiles from
your baby, and that ‘feedback’ will boost you hugely I am sure. Nurture yourself, allow yourself to feel all the feelings with no inner-judgement, and remember that these early days are universally hard. This is no reflection on your love for your baby or your capacity as a mother. You’ve got this.

mumonthehill · 09/09/2023 21:12

It is honestly so good to see mothers expressing that the instant bond does not happen for everyone. It is so hard when you feel like this but as others have said so normal. I remember thinking something was so wrong with me. I would suggest chatting to your GP if you feel any lower.

Puddlelane123 · 09/09/2023 21:15

Just to add OP, if you can talk to your GP or health visitor about how you are feeling it will allow them to check in on you and assess whether PND is a factor in how you are feeling. The number of mums with PND amongst my friends who had experienced infertility was huge, myself included. I have no doubt that the unrealistic parenting expectations and guilt at admitting all was not ‘perfect’ after our ‘happy ending’ played a huge part in it.

minibreak39573 · 09/09/2023 21:18

Oh OP as everyone else had already said the first few weeks are so hard. It's such a shock how much your life changes. I don't think I've ever said this out loud to anyone but I did think what have I done quite often. It does get better ❤️
I have read that postnatal depression is higher in those who had fertility treatment. I think because you get to a stage where you dream up a fantasy of what it will be like. Social media definitely does not help in that respect.
Agree with others speak to your HV/DP don't struggle alone

Jellycats4life · 09/09/2023 21:21

I promise you, you’re not alone @motherofbantams

I remember feeling completely emotionless when I had my first baby. I wondered what the hell I’d done. Absolutely nothing lived up to my expectations. I felt an obligation to care for my baby, but no love. I just wanted to run away.

I was, of course, really depressed. And traumatised from the birth and terrible postnatal care. Looking back it was like the PND poisoned my thinning. I couldn’t see the joy in anything. I had no resilience at all.

I asked for antidepressants about six weeks in. I knew I needed something, anything, to help. With hindsight, I came off them way too quickly. There’s no shame in admitting that you’re struggling. No HCP will judge you at all.

Dragonsandcats · 09/09/2023 21:25

OP you’re not alone, I felt the same with my firstborn. Something I read on a previous thread has stuck with me. A poster said her friend really struggled to conceive and had a baby after ivf. She felt she couldn’t express her difficulties with the baby/finding it tough, hard work etc as she should have been so pleased. She became depressed as she couldn’t share her feelings. Please get some support OP, you feel the same as many new mums. It’s a hard time.

coxesorangepippin · 09/09/2023 21:26

Bottle feeding is the way forward

No-one cares about bf, believe me

Duckingella · 09/09/2023 21:26

I'm so sorry you're going through this;it's been a really long,emotional and slightly traumatic road to get to the point of holding a healthy baby in your arms hasn't it?

I can only imagine how overwhelming it must all be for you.

To be kind it sounds like you might have PND;there's no shame in that and it happens to so many of us mums.

Please please talk to your GP or health visitor about the way you're feeling;let them help you.

Dragonsandcats · 09/09/2023 21:26

I cried every day with my firstborn. Really struggled with the sleepless nights etc. things will get better with time but definitely reach out for help.

DinaofCloud9 · 09/09/2023 21:27

Oh god this is so so normal. Please don't worry. You haven't had a chance to get to know your baby yet. It will all happen in time.

VikingLady · 09/09/2023 21:28

Totally normal, but a massive taboo.

I took four months to bond with my eldest. That oxytocin rush of love that people talk about? Four months. When I noticed she finally looked like my side of the family. Before that I looked after her well, but I felt I'd made a mistake. I fully bonded with my second child when he smelt like my family. I'm such a mammal!

I talked about it at breastfeeding and PND groups and no one admitted to feeling the same in front of the group, but several people spoke to me afterwards to say they'd felt the same.

Apart from anything else, you're grieving your past life.

It comes in the end, but it can take time.

Echobelly · 09/09/2023 21:30

No judgement at all OP - it is a shock for everyone, and has several people have said, when you have had the immense stress of difficulty conceiving that's a whole other layer of expectation, intense feeling and so on.

Do keep talking to health professionals - it may just be the early weeks (honestly, just do whatever you can to get through the first 12 weeks, they are chaos for everyone). No one will judge you or think you are a bad mum - if you were a bad mum you wouldn't be caring that you feel this way; but there is lots of help out there and I hope you get all the support you need.

ValerieGoldberg · 09/09/2023 21:35

Aww OP, everything you have said is completely normal at this stage. I felt like this for a few weeks after I gave birth. I remember thinking what have I done and I remember crying a lot. If your feelings continue after another few weeks, it could be PND but at 3 weeks it is a bit early to say. I would definitely let someone know how you are feeling, GP, HV. What is your support network like? Family? Partner?

It does get easier but at this point your hormones are all over the place, your body is recovering, you’re probably sleep deprived.

You’re definitely not a bad mum. You wouldn’t be posting asking for advice if you were.