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Original poster

Not what I expected/hoped :(

95 replies

motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 18:42

Prepared to be flamed - though I hope not. I am not sure who to talk to as I feel bad about how I am feeling.

So I gave birth three weeks ago (ECS), and I am not enjoying being a mum. I feel very little affection for my baby, and also very little affection for anyone else in my life too.
I am expressing milk and formula feeding as she has tongue tie that we are waiting to have fixed. I cannot have any good hugs - she roots around and gets upset on me every time I hug her - which I assume is not helping with bonding. It all feels like a chore with no high points.
I feel so guilty as I miss work and feel like my life would be better if I had not had her.
I feel like someone else would be better at looking after her and she would be happier.
What is happening to me? I had 5 rounds of IVF to get here. I wanted it more than anything. ~1000 pessaries, ~750 pills, ~500 injections - I am meant to be able to say 'priceless' - but I don't feel it.
Any advice gratefully received!

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:14

Happyhappyday · 09/09/2023 20:19

I told DH I wanted to give her up for adoption. When he kindly declined, I plotted running away from the family in the middle of the night. I wasn’t quite suicidal because I didn’t want to die. But I didn’t want it to be my life and since I didn’t actually want DD to die, I concluded it was me who had to go.

Fortunately I was able to sell refer for counseling and was seen within the week (new parents were prioritized). DD is almost 5 years old now and I do love her to but. I deeply regretted having her for several months and it wasn’t until around 9 months when I really LOVED her, but also still felt like I wouldn’t do it again. I would now.

It feels awful right now, but do seek urgent help, it will get better over time.

I have thought about adoption and leaving - so glad I am not the only one! Thank you

OP posts:
twoandcooplease · 09/09/2023 22:15

Aww op I can feel the depression in your writing :-(
You are not a bad mum!! You are doing your very best on little sleep with a difficult LO due to tongue-tie. That isn't your fault and baby will get fixed soon. If you are kind to yourself now, you will really love being a mum when everything settles down.
It's great that you are expressing to keep your supply going for when baby is able

Bless. You need a good night sleep without interruption (if possible - can dh do baby duty tonight?)
I found 3/4 no sleep nights in a row made me hate everything (also had long term pnd) and I didn't know but I really needed a rest. I battled through it because I thought that's what being a new mum of a new baby was like. But it shouldn't be if you have a partner who is helping

Be kind to yourself xx

hhyytt456 · 09/09/2023 22:16

I was the same my DS just felt like a list of jobs to me. It passes though and now I adore her!

You're doing ok, cut yourself some slack. I didn't feel an instant bond with this thing I just met that was exhausting and what was a very easy life before feel so impossible

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Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:17

Jellycats4life · 09/09/2023 21:21

I promise you, you’re not alone @motherofbantams

I remember feeling completely emotionless when I had my first baby. I wondered what the hell I’d done. Absolutely nothing lived up to my expectations. I felt an obligation to care for my baby, but no love. I just wanted to run away.

I was, of course, really depressed. And traumatised from the birth and terrible postnatal care. Looking back it was like the PND poisoned my thinning. I couldn’t see the joy in anything. I had no resilience at all.

I asked for antidepressants about six weeks in. I knew I needed something, anything, to help. With hindsight, I came off them way too quickly. There’s no shame in admitting that you’re struggling. No HCP will judge you at all.

Thank you - yes this is how I feel

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:19

ValerieGoldberg · 09/09/2023 21:35

Aww OP, everything you have said is completely normal at this stage. I felt like this for a few weeks after I gave birth. I remember thinking what have I done and I remember crying a lot. If your feelings continue after another few weeks, it could be PND but at 3 weeks it is a bit early to say. I would definitely let someone know how you are feeling, GP, HV. What is your support network like? Family? Partner?

It does get easier but at this point your hormones are all over the place, your body is recovering, you’re probably sleep deprived.

You’re definitely not a bad mum. You wouldn’t be posting asking for advice if you were.

Yes lots of crying! Hubby is good. I am kind of ignoring friends. They all ask how I am doing and I don't want to say - I wish I had not done this.

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:20

Blackoutbeans · 09/09/2023 21:52

I remember that for the first few months I was a mess, crying and so exhausted all the time. The expressing, the guilt I couldn't breastfeed (mine also had a tongue tie that sadly got sorted at around 3 months) plus colic. I can honestly say I didn't feel much towards my child or bonded with until much later, probably around the 6-8 months mark.

I was in bits, couldn't understand how such a wanted baby couldn't make me feel any feelings of love or joy. I cared for her and made sure she had everything she needed but at the same time was so envious of all those new mums saying how their life changed in an instant and they fell in love as soon as they've seen their babies etc.

This isn't discussed enough I feel, it is totally normal not to fall madly in love for this new human that just came into your life. You are exhausted, your life has changed completely.
Like all other relationships, it takes time. And I promise that one day you'll be looking at your baby and think that there is absolutely nothing in this world that you will ever love as much and there is no feeling like it.

And by the way, congratulations and you are doing great!

Thank you! Yes none of my friends spoke of feeling like this

OP posts:
Original poster
motherofbantams · 09/09/2023 22:21

Lesina · 09/09/2023 22:06

You are not alone. I remember thinking ‘if someone could just take her away, no questions asked’ Carrying a baby, giving birth is traumatic. Your feelings are normal. It will get better.

Yes - if I knew she would be safe, yep!!

OP posts:
WildFeathers · 09/09/2023 22:29

It can be very challenging trying to breastfeed a baby with a tongue tie. I went to the doctor desperate at 6 weeks and she gently suggested I gave formula a go. All the very best. I do think reaching out for professional GP/health visitor support for how you feel would be a good idea.

SErunner · 09/09/2023 22:40

I've been there, also after fertility treatment. It does get better, but not necessarily quickly. I found maternity leave really hard and, being honest, it only really got a lot better once I went back to work and felt like I had a semblance of my old life back. She's now 2 and I can't imagine existing without her. I still wouldn't say I feel that overwhelming love people describe, but I feel a strong sense of attachment and devotion to her and she has enriched my life in so many ways. It is so early for you, just take it day by day, keep talking about how you're feeling, and bit by bit you'll get there.

QS90 · 09/09/2023 22:48

Random question - does your baby have that "new baby" smell (you'll know it if they do)? I have a theory it takes longer to bond with those who don't. My 2nd poor baby didn't have a smell at all. I loved him straight away, but not that IN LOVE feeling you're "supposed" to get.

Congratulations on your baby too OP - it will get better xx

Eryr22 · 09/09/2023 22:50

Yes, yes, yes. Another one here who remembers repeatedly thinking what the FUCK have I done and thinking I'd ruined my life. Things got a little easier at 5 weeks and A LOT easier at 5-6 months. I remember being so scared when people would say "You think this is hard?! Wait until they're doing x, y and z" and I remember feeling an intense DREAD. When in actual fact, she's 10 months now and she is SO much easier and I love her more than words can describe!

tonystarksrighthand · 09/09/2023 22:51

Bless you OP. I felt like this. It was all I ever wanted forever. When it finally happened and he appeared I felt exactly as you describe. It was horrendous.

Please, please hang in there. I promise you it gets better.

10 years later I have my best friend by my side, my wonderful DS who is just awesome.

You're ok, you really are and don't feel guilty.

Lean on your support network. Join the groups, baby sensory, friends, family. It does get easier.

You have my upmost empathy. There are many of us that have been there. A huge hug to you.

Eccle80 · 09/09/2023 23:23

The early days are tough. I desperately wanted a baby, didn’t conceive easily, then had a not so easy birth followed by feeding difficulties, tongue tie, jaundice and a week in hospital. It was so hard in the first few weeks, breastfeeding was difficult and painful, everything felt overwhelming. The little baby I had wanted so much just screamed at me and inflicted pain on me.

It took time, but that baby is now a bigger than me nearly 15 year old who I adore and have a great relationship with. It will pass, and you will get there. And for what it’s worth, nothing when I had my younger two was as hard as the first few weeks with my eldest. You will be ok and it will get better.

Nowthenhere · 09/09/2023 23:30

When you have a c-section, you have lots of medication to help with pain and healing. These meds cause lots of emotional changes.

All your ivf injections and medications were an important part of your fertility journey but also contribute to huge changes with hormones.

You have a baby that you cannot feed the way you want to. Who wants you and you want them but cannot help them when they're in distress as much as you want.

You have a new person to get to know who has only been in this world a few weeks so they're very new to everything and getting to know you too.

What is 'wrong' with you is that you're perfect. You are all your baby wants and needs. You just need to remember the journey you took to get here is going to effect your emotions and your hormones and you need to be speaking regularly to people who know you to ensure that you get the best support with this journey into being mum.

twoandcooplease · 09/09/2023 23:37

Nowthenhere · 09/09/2023 23:30

When you have a c-section, you have lots of medication to help with pain and healing. These meds cause lots of emotional changes.

All your ivf injections and medications were an important part of your fertility journey but also contribute to huge changes with hormones.

You have a baby that you cannot feed the way you want to. Who wants you and you want them but cannot help them when they're in distress as much as you want.

You have a new person to get to know who has only been in this world a few weeks so they're very new to everything and getting to know you too.

What is 'wrong' with you is that you're perfect. You are all your baby wants and needs. You just need to remember the journey you took to get here is going to effect your emotions and your hormones and you need to be speaking regularly to people who know you to ensure that you get the best support with this journey into being mum.

What is 'wrong' with you is that you're perfect.

That was a really a lovely post pp. and so true 🩷

wishIwasonholiday10 · 10/09/2023 07:41

In addition to what everyone else has said, it’s so tough pumping on top of trying to breastfeed and top up with formula as well as taking care of a newborn. If I’d followed the lactation consultant’s advice to do all this every 3 hours day and night I think it would have broken me. Is there anyway to get the tongue tie treated privately quickly so you can move on with feeding? I had my daughters tongue tie snipped but it still proved tricky to get breastfeeding established. I switched to formula and that made everything so much easier! My DD was a contact napper and spent plenty of time close to me that way instead of breastfeeding so I don’t feel we missed out on physical closeness.

If she’s finished a full bottle feed and you’re sure she’s not hungry you could try a dummy and put her down on you for a contact nap to enjoy some cuddles?

Are you getting any sleep? Can your partner step in for awhile and give you a proper break to get some sleep or just do something baby free for a few hours? I found having a few hours a day where I knew DH was looking after DD and I could just rest really helped. I bit trickier when breastfeeding but even then you should still be able to get a short break.

Ollifer · 10/09/2023 08:10

Op you're not alone. I remember being pregnant was the happiest time of my life and then I gave birth and suddenly thought oh my god what have I done!!!?

3 weeks in is the pits. The buzz has died down so not as many people popping in or checking on you, you're still recovering physically and the reality has set in of sleepless nights, crying, feeding etc. It's relentless.

I used to cry so many times thinking I'd ruined my life and made a huge mistake and tbh I felt that way often for the first year or two.

However, my daughter is now 5 and an absolute joy, we are the best of friends. And of course it's still tough and I still get days where I'm frazzled and struggling, but it is absolutely nothing compared to the baby days.

I don't know how I got through it apart from keep telling myself it won't always be like this, newborns are so hard to care for but one day you'll be getting full night's sleep, a child you can do things with and chat to and cuddle and read stories with, a child who will bring you joy every day, it just doesn't feel that way right now.

Littlemilkybird · 10/09/2023 08:21

Hi OP. I’m afraid I’ve not read the full thread but I know you’ll have received lots of advice and support because I did too when I posted a remarkably similar thread a few weeks ago. I posted whilst sobbing alone in my bedroom listening to DH soothe the baby instantly. I genuinely felt I could walk out and their life would be better for it. Needless to say, I already don’t recognise that version of myself. Things got better for me and they will for you too.

I’d say our feelings are not uncommon and actually a probably pretty normal response to the shock of birth, motherhood and the sudden overwhelming responsibility.

Pregnancy is such a special magical time and everyone coos over you and asks how you are. And then suddenly you go through the massive event of giving birth (And whatever way you give birth, there will be pain and loss of control!) and the hormonal shift of no longer being pregnant. At the time you need the most support, people are no longer interested in your well-being and you realise your needs will not be put first for a long while. And now you’re sleep deprived and sore and shocked and trying to care for a tiny little confusing stranger with no instruction manual. You realise that antenatal classes are a lie and breast feeding is hard and that the snuggly newborn bubble is a bit of a myth! People tell you to seek support but everyone around you talks about the newborn magic and you don’t know how to even begin to explain how you feel …

I just wanted to say, for me, things picked up remarkably when I stopped obsessing over bonding and how I was meant to be feeling. There’s no rule book on how you should feel and what you should be doing in the early days. You just need to keep everyone alive! You are tending to your baby’s needs and that is all they need from you right now. Love and bonding are abstract concepts you can’t measure. Don’t try to! Tend to baby’s needs and enjoy their snuggles. And when things are going hideously, just focus on getting through the day a minute at a time. Try and sneak in parts of your old life and do some things for you (a long walk with the baby to get a good coffee is my treat). I definitely fell more in love with my son once I stopped staying in obsessing over whether I loved him enough and started just continuing my life with him as a tiny little sidekick.

Things are still up and down but more up than down each day. Yesterday, we took the baby to a wedding and he slept in my arms throughout the speeches and dinner. People I’d never met kept coming over to admire him (and to empathise about how hard newborn days are!) and I barely ate my food because I was so happy and proud I couldn’t bear to hand him to DH. This morning, I feel exhausted and flat. I had the sudden realisation that I can’t just sleep in after a wedding anymore and I can’t just go to bed whenever I want tonight either to make up for it and feel overwhelmed by the responsibility again. I miss my old life but I love this new one too. It’s a total confusing rollercoaster and sometimes we need to just ride with it. It will get better.

Gizzymac · 13/09/2023 19:59

I recognise a lot of my feelings in this thread - I've cried more in the 8 weeks since birth than ever before in my life. Ive had the feelings of wanting to run away or give her back. It's the hardest thing I've ever done and I'm not really enjoying it to be honest, much as I wouldn't be without her. I'm hopeful from these responses that there's light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better x

Confusedalways5 · 13/09/2023 21:32

Sounds like post natal depression. 3 weeks is still so early, you'll be full of hormones and its very common to feel the way you do after a baby. I know it seems far away but generally in my experience feeling that way after each baby myself by 5/6 months i start feeling human again, enjoying like and enjoying my children. Hang in there

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