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To give DD a sibling or to send her to private school

92 replies

purpledaisy60 · 04/09/2023 11:33

This is a strange post but it's something I'm struggling with in my brain and could do with a few peoples opinions!
We have one DD who is 3 and will start school next September and up until about 2 months ago I was completely one and done due to struggling horrendously with postpartum anxiety for about 18 months after DD was born. I absolutely adore being DDs mum and I bonded with her the moment I gave birth to her, I feel like I was made to be a mum.
Me and DH were talking the other night and we were talking about having another baby as I'm starting to feel like it's something I would want (DH loves being a dad and is happy to have one more if that's what I want)

However, we were planning on sending DD to our local private school, we can afford to do this comfortably and she already attends the nursery on site. We could afford to send 2 children to private school but it wouldn't leave us with as much disposable income for holidays, clubs, hobby's etc... I really want to send DD to this private school for various reasons but if we have another baby then they will both attend a state school.
I am completely torn between really focusing on DDs education and giving her everything we can financially or to give her a sibling! She loves babies and I know she would love a sibling to grow up with.

Does anyone have any stories about deciding to have a second child after being set on just having the one? Or anyone in a similar situation?

OP posts:
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Nottodayplease36 · 04/09/2023 11:38

Could you maybe have another baby and send them to private school for high school only?

I sent my children to private school and I am so happy I did, but I wouldn’t like to be or have an only child. Having a sibling is a really wonderful thing.

Icycloud · 04/09/2023 11:40

I’m not being a snob I’m just stating the truth, state schools are rubbish. And the extra activities are important. But maybe you could send them both private and just do cheaper extra activities

Reugny · 04/09/2023 11:41

Most people in my area who send their children to private school, send them to a state primary and then private secondary.

(Some then play the system by sending them to a state school for 6th form.)

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minipie · 04/09/2023 11:41

Neither.

Have another child if YOU want one, not to give your child a sibling. Many siblings don’t get on.

If you want another child, that’s more important than private school IMO. Especially at primary level.

TeenDivided · 04/09/2023 11:43

Icycloud · 04/09/2023 11:40

I’m not being a snob I’m just stating the truth, state schools are rubbish. And the extra activities are important. But maybe you could send them both private and just do cheaper extra activities

I think that is an extremely sweeping statement.
Some state schools are rubbish, so are some private schools.
Some state schools are excellent, so are some private schools.

I'd go for the sibling.

samuelclemens · 04/09/2023 11:43

@Reugny What do you mean by playing the system? (Just generally curious!)

OP I didn’t attend private school or really know anybody who did but I like the suggestions of state primary then private secondary for 2 kids as a compromise?

Spinet · 04/09/2023 11:43

Icycloud · 04/09/2023 11:40

I’m not being a snob I’m just stating the truth, state schools are rubbish. And the extra activities are important. But maybe you could send them both private and just do cheaper extra activities

What do you characterise as rubbish icycloud? If you're stating 'facts'

BeethovenNinth · 04/09/2023 11:43

We have three. At state schools. It’s tricky. But I see them play and get on and feel
ifs the right decision.

TheBeesKnee · 04/09/2023 11:44

If you want another child then have another child. Please don't position this as for your daughter, she won't appreciate it. Own your own decisions.

Do either you or your partner have any scope to increase your earnings, seek promotions etc?

Icycloud · 04/09/2023 11:46

Spinet · 04/09/2023 11:43

What do you characterise as rubbish icycloud? If you're stating 'facts'

Whatever makes you feel better about sending your kids to a state school

Elektra1 · 04/09/2023 11:47

Reugny · 04/09/2023 11:41

Most people in my area who send their children to private school, send them to a state primary and then private secondary.

(Some then play the system by sending them to a state school for 6th form.)

I don't think "playing the system" in this way works nowadays, since where you took your GCSEs is taken into account by universities when making offers.

MontblancTheSecond · 04/09/2023 11:47

Your child is 18 months. She has no idea what it is like to have a sibling and shouldn’t be involved in this decision. Try for another DC when you ans your DH want one.
Is there any way you could let your income grow over the coming years so you could afford to send both DC to private school? Promotion, new job, extra education etc.

Spinet · 04/09/2023 11:48

Icycloud · 04/09/2023 11:46

Whatever makes you feel better about sending your kids to a state school

Erm, what? Whatever makes me feel better about sending my kids to a state school is what you characterise as rubbish? Is this level of clarity what they taught you at private school Icycloud?

Reugny · 04/09/2023 11:50

Icycloud · 04/09/2023 11:46

Whatever makes you feel better about sending your kids to a state school

You have posted all state schools are rubbish but have not given examples of this.

Remember state schools vary from Brampton Manor Academy to Archbishop Sentamu Academy .

PinkRoses1245 · 04/09/2023 11:50

If you and your partner want another child, that is about your decision - not about it being a sibling. Plenty of siblings hate each other.
I'm personally opposed to private school, but I definitely wouldn't do it for primary anyway, pointless.

IDontDrinkTea · 04/09/2023 11:52

We had this exact same dilemma. We chose to have another child and send them to state school

purpledaisy60 · 04/09/2023 12:01

Thank for all your responses, I appreciate them all.

@MontblancTheSecond my daughter is almost 3 and a half, I struggled with postpartum anxiety until she was 18 months.

We will definitely only have a second child if it is the right thing for me and DH, I think it's normal to consider and think about all aspects of having another. I grew up with a sister and we had a great bond and played wonderfully (I know not all siblings get on) but I would really love my DD to have someone to do Christmas mornings with, school holidays, birthdays, family problems, abroad holidays. I worry about her being lonely sometimes even though me and DH play games with her all the time and she goes to nursery and has friends of her age.

My DH has owned a successful business for 3 years now and his income is increasing year by year so in a few years we could be in the position to wend two DD to private school comfortably. I am a stay at home mum but was a nursery nurse before having DD, nursery nurses are badly paid so I would have to re train in something else if I want to earn well myself (I am considering doing this one I'm certain on no more children)

OP posts:
parietal · 04/09/2023 12:05

Have the second child for you. Worry about schools later. As others have said, state primary and private secondary can be a v good option.

Lasttimehonest · 04/09/2023 12:09

In your situation, I would have a second and then send them to state school (they aren’t all bad! I will send mine and this is coming from someone who went to private school herself!). Then use the extra money you’ll save to go on wonderful holidays and give them extra curricular clubs and activities, tutors etc if you need them in the future.

tattygrl · 04/09/2023 12:10

Remember that no chosen path offers any guarantees.

A child may thrive at either a state or private school. They might also academically struggle or "fail" at either place. So many factors come into play when it comes to "focusing on education": educational needs (dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD, etc.), how they get on with socialising, anxiety levels, interests, etc. There are no guarantees that a private school will really bring any substantial, meaningful advantage to your child's life, because she is her own person. She might go on to make a living as an artist at craft fairs, or find her passion doing bar work, or end up in a career via an unconventional route, or be unable to work, or any number of things, that would render a private school placement rather irrelevant. OTOH, it could be of huge benefit to her if it happens to be a specific school that is a good match for her, she likes it and gets supported for her academic needs. No guarantees either way.

Similarly, you might have another child and they end up becoming best of friends, bonded and thrive in the sibling relationship. Most likely is that they will have their normal sibling ups and downs but enjoy having a peer to experience family life with. OTOH, they might end up hating each other or simply not getting along, or not being interested in each other. Another baby could have huge additional needs or disabilities, taking up all of your time and changing the course of all of your lives.

I'm stating a lot of obvious things, but I'm doing so to illustrate fully the fact that trying to balance decisions like this on the basis of life plans is essentially pointless. It comes down to what you want.

Do you want another child? If so, go for it. There's not point deciding to hold back from adding to your family in order to pursue private school, assuming it will be amazingly beneficial for your existing child. It might not. She might hate it. But if you don't really want another child and would be doing so only to provide a sibling, then don't. Enjoy the fact that you can then spend more on education and activities for your existing child.

Basically, there are no guarantees at all, and life can't be planned out as if there are. A decision about whether to bring another child in the world can't be made based on budgeting and logic alone. Of course it's essential to consider real world practicalities, but nothing is promised, anything can happen, therefore, decide to have a baby based purely on what you deeply want. Nothing else. The desire to have or not have a baby is what makes everything that comes after worth it, whichever path you decide.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/09/2023 12:12

Given that 1x salary is enough to fund two dc at private, abd leave a small amount for fun stuff, I'd go for it with another dc while you are out of work.

Then you can look to retrain / work when dc are in school, taking advantage of the longer days there so less extra childcare and whatever you earn will cover all the fun stuff.

Seems like you and dh are in a very privelidged position.

Bored1000 · 04/09/2023 12:12

@Icycloud
Thats rubbish, I went to a state school and dis extremely well, have professional qualifications….not specifying but along the lines of doctor, lawyer, architect, accountant.
It was an all girls school and almost everyone who came out of it did very well.
From your response, I really don’t think you are are a very well educated person.

RuthW · 04/09/2023 12:13

Stick with one and send to state school.

Change at secondary if you really have to.

ReadySalty · 04/09/2023 12:15

It's probably in your daughters best interests to keep her as an only child. You could give her the best of everything and she would inherit everything.

I have more than one DC and as I observe other families the only children seems to have a lot of advantages.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 04/09/2023 12:18

“Giving a sibling” is the wrong reason to have another child