To give DD a sibling or to send her to private school

[purpledaisy60]

This is a strange post but it's something I'm struggling with in my brain and could do with a few peoples opinions!
We have one DD who is 3 and will start school next September and up until about 2 months ago I was completely one and done due to struggling horrendously with postpartum anxiety for about 18 months after DD was born. I absolutely adore being DDs mum and I bonded with her the moment I gave birth to her, I feel like I was made to be a mum.
Me and DH were talking the other night and we were talking about having another baby as I'm starting to feel like it's something I would want (DH loves being a dad and is happy to have one more if that's what I want)

However, we were planning on sending DD to our local private school, we can afford to do this comfortably and she already attends the nursery on site. We could afford to send 2 children to private school but it wouldn't leave us with as much disposable income for holidays, clubs, hobby's etc... I really want to send DD to this private school for various reasons but if we have another baby then they will both attend a state school.
I am completely torn between really focusing on DDs education and giving her everything we can financially or to give her a sibling! She loves babies and I know she would love a sibling to grow up with.

Does anyone have any stories about deciding to have a second child after being set on just having the one? Or anyone in a similar situation?

I'd have rather had a sibling than be privately educated

@Icycloud Our state primary is outstanding. It offers Spanish with a specialist native-speaking teacher from Reception, and music and PE with specialist teachers from Reception. DS starts free cello lessons, in school time, from next week (Y2). He does three different afterschool sports (we do have to take him to external Rugby and swimming clubs, though they will do weekly swimming lessons in year 3-4). Termly drama and dance productions, including big Christmas and summer shows. They have riding lessons in Y5. Lots of trips, including residentials from year 4 onwards. There is funding to ensure everyone can go.

DS is working at greater depth in all areas, and is by no means top of the class. Children working below expected in English or maths are offered before/afterschool interventions to help them catch up. Sats scores way above the national average. Class size 22. Very nurturing environment, with a lovely headmaster who knows every child by sight (he stopped for a chat with us in the park over summer). Good wraparound care available from 8am to 6pm daily.

This is a state school in Lambeth, so not leafy, plenty of kids on FSM and/or with English as a second language. I have no idea how they manage it on their budget - it’s partly lots of teachers volunteering their time, joining a federation so they can split the cost of a language teacher across three schools, and creative use of charity input for the music and sports provision. No money solicited from parents at all.

I’m not concerned about outing myself here, because many schools nearby are similar - ours isn’t even oversubscribed, and doesn’t have a restrictive catchment area. There are spaces in most years for in-year transfers. Many of the secondary schools are outstanding locally as well.

If you would rather spend £25k x7 to send your child to a local prep school, just to avoid your precious darling mixing with poor people, that is really up to you. Seems like a poor financial decision to me. I really don’t need to “make myself feel better” about not throwing £2k per month down the drain.

We just have one and yes, they are at private school.

It was by no means, the only reason that we decided to stop at one, but it was a consideration.

The fees for private senior school can be eye watering. There's no way that we could have done it for two. Prep is more doable for two kids.

In our child's year at prep school, there are 30 kids and half are only children. You will find there are way more at private school so your daughter certainly wouldn't feel like the odd one out.

We have 2 DC both currently in state primary and for a few reasons we're now looking at sending DS to private school next year for upper primary (P6 in Scotland) and DD will follow 5 years later for secondary only.

This feels like a good compromise for us although I do wish we had thought about private earlier as I'd have saved up more so you really do have time on your side from that perspective! If we'd just had DS (and it was a consideration) he'd have done private throughout I reckon although not something we talked about in our reasons to stick at one so I think go with your heart and try for a second and the head stuff can follow.

2 p pop

Some are ruined by private schools. Some (many) are ruined by by boarding schools. Some are ruined by state schools. Seems more likely that it's about the individual person's experience than the specific type of school.

This.

In what way? And how do you reach the conclusion that all state schools are rubbish?

Two separate issues in my mind. Whether to have a second baby and whether to send them to private school. I can see they overlap but the baby question is the most important.

What are the schools like in your area? Both state and private? Could you move area for better schools if you wanted to ? Bear in mind that even if you choose private there is always the unknown in the future that you may need to change to state at some point.

Interestingly the 3 people I know who teach in private schools all say that if you have good state secondary schools locally you are much better giving your dc a good foundation in private primary school, where the small class sizes etc are really important and then sending them to state secondary than state primary and private secondary. There is always the choice to swap again for A levels if dc choose to take them.

I think you should go back to work or retrain in a sought-after profession ASAP. You must get 15h/w childcare already and you would get another 15 (ie 30 total) if you were working.

If you decide to have another child, it would be better if you were in work because you'd get maternity leave and pay. If you decide to send your DD to private school, it would be better to have the additional income.

You say that your DH's business is going well and that's great but it would be better to have a second income source just in case.

Personally, I've always wanted 2 children (plus I have siblings and I'm close to them as adults. I disliked being an only child until they came along.) I have 2 now and I'm very happy that I do. DC2 brings me a lot of joy for their own sake and the relationship between them is a wonderful thing to see.

I am on the fence about private school anyway - I can see why people might feel it's best for their child although I prefer a good state school for myself and my children - but I really think private school is unnecessary for primary and you should save up for secondary.

A sibling, all day long.

I am an only child. My parents couldn't have more. I really worried about having no family when my parents, who were older, died. I chose to have two children for that reason. The first did go to a private school for a year or so but hated it and actually fell behind in school work. He went through a state secondary school and is a fourth year medical student. His brother is also at university and they do get on. I am happy with my choice.

@purpledaisy60

if private school fees means having to scrimp and save, no treats and no holidays etc you will get sick of that pretty quick

We were one and done with DC1 but decided to have DC2 after a couple of years. Our family felt incomplete and I would be envious of the dynamic between siblings I would see on days out. We are happy with our decision as the DCs have an amazing bond and our family feels more balanced.

DC1 goes to a private prep school and we will send DC2 as well, and both will go to a private secondary school. We're lucky that we don't have to limit other things like holidays and extracurriculars or house size to be able to pay for it. I think if I finances were more stretched, I would have played the state school catchment game, buying a house close to an outstanding primary. In our area that would have meant moving to a bit less diverse and interesting area (we are in central London), and having to move again to ensure a top secondary school. So it would have meant other compromises, but perfectly doable.

Probably about half of DC1's classmates are only children, though she is only 5 so perhaps other siblings will come. But I quite a few of the parents have said to me they have no plans for more, and I'm sure the cost of private school vs sibling had an influence on their decision. If you decide to opt for private school over a sibling, you won't be the only one.

I have 3 teenagers at private school. The fees are eye watering, also take into consideration extra activities cost.

I went to state school did me no harm, I chose private school's for my children to give better prospects (hopefully)

I would suggest a compromise and only send your DD to private secondary school.

What are the state primary schools like in your area?

You're being a snob.

The two state secondary schools I put in my post are at the opposite ends of the spectrum.

One sends the majority of it's pupils to well-regarded universities while the other one has lots of problems.

The point is there isn't one state education. There are lots of other factors involved even at shit schools. My DP went to a shit state secondary school and there are more famous alumni from his school then from mine which was far better.

I would say sibling because long term it's lovely to have a companion to grow up with. Your child may be 4.5 or 5 by the time the second child is born, which is a good age gap imo! Five years seems a lot when they're little, but by the time they're 21 & 26, what difference does it make?

However... As someone currently in the thick of life with two young kids, I do have to say that all my friends with only children have much calmer and more peaceful lives, and are able to take their kids to more places - both expensive and otherwise - because they only have one child to focus on. My eldest benefits from having a younger sibling for companionship and for teaching generosity and patience, but his behaviour and attention span are certainly better when he has all my attention, so I can see that being an only child does have benefits!

As others say, how about state primary and then swap for year 3 or year 7? Those 3 or 7 years of saved fees could go towards the second child's education.

My godson went to private school and it ruined him. This does not mean that either the individual schools or the sector as a whole is "rubbish". In fact the individual school is actually now better because of measures out in place since he left.

I am an only child and was sent to private school. Personally, I would much rather have gmhad a sibling. It was my number one wish! When I was about 13, my mum told me that she was pregnant. The excitement I felt was unreal, but unfortunately it was an April Fool that my mum thought would be funny.

PS my private school was awful and I was bullied for the whole time I was there. Private doesn't necessarily mean better.

You are being a snob and that's not true. State schools are incredibly varied.

Siblings every time. I have three children and I think the most joyful thing about parenting is seeing them all together. The noise, the laughter, the arguments - all of it. They are a team. Who knows what your local schools will be like once your children are school aged?

It needs to be a decision based on what you want, you can’t see into the future to know which would be better for your daughter. Also you’re going to have quite a hefty age gap so visions of holidays spent doing things together, Christmas mornings may not be your reality. Personally I’d be more concerned about a return of your severe PND than anything else