To give DD a sibling or to send her to private school

[purpledaisy60]

This is a strange post but it's something I'm struggling with in my brain and could do with a few peoples opinions!
We have one DD who is 3 and will start school next September and up until about 2 months ago I was completely one and done due to struggling horrendously with postpartum anxiety for about 18 months after DD was born. I absolutely adore being DDs mum and I bonded with her the moment I gave birth to her, I feel like I was made to be a mum.
Me and DH were talking the other night and we were talking about having another baby as I'm starting to feel like it's something I would want (DH loves being a dad and is happy to have one more if that's what I want)

However, we were planning on sending DD to our local private school, we can afford to do this comfortably and she already attends the nursery on site. We could afford to send 2 children to private school but it wouldn't leave us with as much disposable income for holidays, clubs, hobby's etc... I really want to send DD to this private school for various reasons but if we have another baby then they will both attend a state school.
I am completely torn between really focusing on DDs education and giving her everything we can financially or to give her a sibling! She loves babies and I know she would love a sibling to grow up with.

Does anyone have any stories about deciding to have a second child after being set on just having the one? Or anyone in a similar situation?

Plus - not to be doomladen or anything but plenty can happen in a short space of time. A change of circumstances (redundancy, economic turndown, health or mental health problems, relationship breakdown etc) could mean you wouldn't be able to afford private school, but by that point it might also be too late to have a second child. Fate is fickle!

DH and I both work/worked in higher education and we sent our child to the local mediocre state school. It’s knowing your own child and their capabilities.

The things that make most private/public schools ‘good’ are aspiration, instilling confidence and excellent contacts; those that make most state schools ‘rubbish’ are a lack of the above, plus poor peer behaviour. My DD had all A* and grade 9 at A level and GCSE respectively, but she lacks the confidence and contacts that public school would have given her. Hopefully university will help with these. She’s an only child, BTW, but has loads of friends. I’d stick with one.

No. What makes private schools "good" are selection and money.

I rather have been privately educated than had siblings.

As an only child myself,I didn’t get a sibling or to go to private school.
honestly ,I would of chosen private school for myself,if given a choice .
but my schooling was in the 80s and crap ,the bullying was something else.
so as an adult I had 4 children and home schooled them to secondary ish age .
worked for us …ish

My kids are all adults now
but knowing what I know about how much they cost ,money ,time and emotionally ..if I was starting from scratch in my 20s ,I’d actually not have any children at all …I’m glad mine are here ,don’t get me wrong …but if I was doing it again ..I wouldn’t have children..

I'm sorry - that is just horrible.

According to many MN posts you are abnormal for wanting a sibling.

On the other hand in rl I've seen grown adults cry because they were finally getting a sibling, full or half.

When I was a kid we just got sent to the closest school whether it was shit or not

I'd choose the sibling.

I would say 25% of my DD class are single children. They all say that because they couldn't have more, their child is able to go to private school. But all of them would have preferred 2 or more children.

Slightly different perspective but my best friend's DM taught at a private school with an excellent rep but she chose not to send her daughter there and let her go to the local state school instead. They used the money they saved to pay for private tutoring, extra curricular activities (music and horse riding) and lots of foreign holidays. My friend has done very well professionally and has never minded being an only but she is struggling with parents aging and their health deteriorating.

I also have another friend who went to private school got horribly bullied and left after a year, she was much happier at local state school.

I know a lot of parents locally who pay for private tutoring as our local high school doesn't have the best scores so that might also be something to consider.

Where I live state primary and then private secondary is very common, would you consider that?

And I went to Australia and disliked my holiday. Doesn't mean I can authoritatively say that Australia is rubbish.

Did your school days involve attending every state school in the country, in 2023? If not, whilst your personal experience is true for you, and you might with authority say "Smalltown Comprehensive School was awful in 1993-99", you can't say "all state schools are rubbish" and expect people to not challenge that.

Have the second baby. I have sent my DD to state (a good, but not brilliant one) and her GCSEs were excellent. But she put in all the effort, not the school. If I hadn't had all the postpartum stress and housing stress after her birth, I would definitely have had a second child. I could never afford private school but I'd rather she had a sibling in any case rather than go to a private school, if that was the choice.

I have three private schools near me but lots of good and outstanding primaries so many parents with the means wait until secondary to go private.

There are many reasons for choosing the number of children you have. But the idea of being so scared of the schools over 90% of the nation use that you reckon better not born than state educated is deeply depressing.

You know what? I suggest you research which are the nearest three state secondaries and find a way to get an insight into the students there. Volunteer to help at cadets, go to an open day or concert, ask the school if they'll take volunteers for x or y task.

When your child is 3 (or 4 or 5) it's very difficult to imagine them as hulking teenagers, and it can bring out all your protective instincts. Go and see for yourself, and see how that informs your decision making.

More generally:
Schools change
Kids change / surprise you - you don't know how yours will get on at school and what they'll be good at/find challenging
Your life may change in ways you don't expect

Make a decision about whether you and your partner want to try for another. That's it.

You are actually being a snob.
Not all state schools are rubbish however the onus is on parents to provide more activities