To give DD a sibling or to send her to private school

[purpledaisy60]

This is a strange post but it's something I'm struggling with in my brain and could do with a few peoples opinions!
We have one DD who is 3 and will start school next September and up until about 2 months ago I was completely one and done due to struggling horrendously with postpartum anxiety for about 18 months after DD was born. I absolutely adore being DDs mum and I bonded with her the moment I gave birth to her, I feel like I was made to be a mum.
Me and DH were talking the other night and we were talking about having another baby as I'm starting to feel like it's something I would want (DH loves being a dad and is happy to have one more if that's what I want)

However, we were planning on sending DD to our local private school, we can afford to do this comfortably and she already attends the nursery on site. We could afford to send 2 children to private school but it wouldn't leave us with as much disposable income for holidays, clubs, hobby's etc... I really want to send DD to this private school for various reasons but if we have another baby then they will both attend a state school.
I am completely torn between really focusing on DDs education and giving her everything we can financially or to give her a sibling! She loves babies and I know she would love a sibling to grow up with.

Does anyone have any stories about deciding to have a second child after being set on just having the one? Or anyone in a similar situation?

Just my opinion but my 2 daughters are a hugely important part of each other’s lives and I definitely would choose in a heartbeat for them to have a sibling rather than being an only if I did it all again. (obviously that isn’t always an option for everyone but it was for us thankfully, albeit a rocky road getting there). They’ve had so many wonderful shared experiences together and hopefully they will continue to get on the majority of the time in the future too (I realise this might all change..)

You are being a snob. Some state schools are rubbish, not all. Some are utterly brilliant.

no. I went to state school and it ruined me

I'm close to my brother who's very close in age to me. However, my DP isn't close with his brother who is 4 years younger than him. They've never been close. I'd say over 3 years is a large age gap as the children will be at different stages of their development. Different interests etc. Saying you want to 'give' your dd a sibling makes the hypothetical sibling sound like a pet.

(And they also go to a wonderful state school!)

There is a risk of sending your children to private school and the risk is they mix with the children of people like @Icycloud. It's enough to put anyone off. Eugh, no thanks. I'll rough it with the plebs thanks.

We are likely one and done but our DD is younger than yours so still time to change our minds. However, for us to change our minds we need to want a second child for us, not for DD. DH and his brother don’t get along, DH wishes he was an only child. When we considering trying for DD there was a long list of reasons not to have children and one day, those reasons were still there but just didn’t matter. We want DC more than we saw those as negatives. The only way we will be having a second is if the long list of reasons not to have two suddenly doesn’t matter to us, that urge is there and it’s overriding any arguments for going for a second.

My DD leaving with 10 As and Astars at GCSE and being a well rounded pleasant unjudgmental young person is what makes me feel better about sending my DC to state school.

Same! I was sent to private school and some of the attitudes there were so abhorrent.

I'm in my 60's and an ex teacher. Both my parents are dead and I really appreciate having a sister - we are each other's family support network. I have two children and it gives me a lot of reassurance to know that when I and their dad are gone they will have each other... Many state schools are perfectly fine. Sibling every time!!

Exactly this. Plus about £210k saved on secondary private school fees (if £15k a year for two kids over 7 years).

@Icycloud
You can’t blame the school for everything, you have to take some personal responsibility for the things that have gone wrong in your life, your life may not have turned out very differently if you went to a private school, a bad student that is easily influenced is unlikely to do well anywhere.

Plenty of people go the state schools and do extremely well in life.

Could you get a job in the school nursery or retrain as a teacher which might give you a discount on fees?

My dc are state educated and got excellent qualifications from them, so it does depend on the student and the school. What are the schools like in the area?

Snobby attitude.

To @Icycloud

@Icycloud All of them? Shame private wasn't good enough to make you a well rounded individual.

OP I would have another baby if that is what you want and decide when they both start secondary if you want to do private. I think it is nice to have a sibling.

Personally I’d have the second child. Growing up and dealing with parental death alone is hard.
Private education isn’t everything. Out of mine and DH friendship groups there is no difference in those that were privately educated, if anything those that went to state schools have done better career wise Alternatively as pps have said send them both to private secondary school. There is no point in going to private primary and plenty of excellent state primary schools

I’m an only. I benefited from being so. (Including significant inheritances)
We have two kids, they’ve fought like drunks since they were toddlers, so don’t assume a harmonious sibling relationship is guaranteed…The elder one would have said they wanted a sibling when they were 3!

They went to private secondary, and its been the making of both of them. We were fortunate to have a lovely state primary though, and I wouldn’t have made big sacrifices to pay for school.

That doesn't work with regard to playing the system, it clearly states on the UCAS form where they attended school for their secondary education. The only extra consideration is if you attend one of the poor performing schools (there is a list) and achieve incredible grades against the odds.

Re a sibling, I would do that rather than a private education. If the state schools aren't great you can move house to be within catchment of a great one or pay for tailored tutoring one to one.

There is no blanket rule that all state schools are awful or that all private schools are amazing.

Having lost both my parents fairly young I am pleased I have siblings. I am also glad that my sons will have each other for support (hopefully). It's not a reason to have another child, but it is a very big positive IMO.

Thankfully my adult son has done fine in the 'rubbish' state system and my younger son is doing well.

It sounds like you have a good joint income. In your position I would look around the state schools and see if there's any you love, or any you love in moveable distance. If you want another child, have one. I think it won't help in the long run to frame it as "giving" DD a sibling or a good education. A Sibling is a complete person, a full on member of the family, not a gift for an existing child. And your DD might hate the private school and then you'll feel shit knowing you gave up the chance of having another for this.

So in essence, I would decide what you and DP want your family to look like, then make the necessary adjustments to lifestyle and work later on.

I would go sibling. I have a child I'm private school, soon it will be 2. It is lovely. There are many things I like about it, but I cannot describe the joy I feel watching my children together. There are good state schools.

Sibling of course!!

Honestly OP you need to decide whether you want a second child, not think about DD's long term feelings on it (meant kindly). You never know how things will turn out.

I went to private school on a full scholarship as a teen and left after a term because it just wasn't the right environment for me. I've done very well regardless (academically/professionally) so I don't feel like that's been to my detriment in any way. I also have three siblings who I'm very very close to and have given me so much support throughout my life and various traumatic incidents - I couldn't be without any of them.

My DH went to state and has a brother that has one dutiful phone call with him per year approximately. Despite hating private school when I went I know that their support/counselling/general instilling of confidence etc was great and I think my DH would maybe have done a lot better there (he's got various mental health issues and probable autism).

So, I'd go for siblings. My DH would go for private school I'm pretty sure. Who knows what your DD would opt for? You can't make this choice based on anticipating how she might ultimately feel.

We have one, in private school, lots of other only children in her class. We still get to go on nice holidays and pursue any extra curricular activities she is interested in without having to worry about whether we can afford it or if it’s fair on the sibling.

Life is lovely and simple with her, if we had two we would currently be saving like crazy to put them through private secondary. Very content with one.

You wouldn’t be ‘giving’ your DD a sibling, if you have another baby it’s because you want one.