How to not have children who are addicted to screens

[AdrianeMole]

Thinking way ahead here about my baby's future, I see threads here about kids always on tablets etc. Are there parents out there who's children don't have devices or use them very sparingly and how have you managed this?

I agree. We didn’t watch TV at all under 3 and then very sparingly. We never have screens at the table or in a restaurant and we don’t take iPads etc on car or train journeys. It’s just never been a thing.

It is a LOT harder now they are teens/tweens, however.

DS watches YouTube and plays Nintendo more than I’d like and DDs are on their phones more than I’d like.

It is very hard for them to socialise with their friends without eg Snapchat as that’s how they all communicate, but I wish I had remained firmer about age restrictions. I also regret ever letting them have phones in their rooms (I am building up to changing this).

I absolutely hate them having on-screen notifications too, as they are really distracting.

We’re still less screen-obsessed than most families but it is much, much harder to limit it as they get older.

I agree with the poster who said if you don't want them to drown, teach them to swim.

My eldest is 11 so we are only just on cusp of all of secondary/teenage challenges but for what's it's worth I think the most helpful thing we've done over the years is talk to the kids about the impact of certain types of screen on their brains/bodies/wellbeing so they understand why we have put limits in place.

They all had pretty limited screen pre school- I'm the queen of pens and puzzles when out and about - and as they encounter the social pressure or just the marketing/fun of games and TV and now social media I've spoken to them about dopamine, about the ways in which games are designed to become addictive, about the need for balance, how screens impact our sleep, how things can get ugly on social.media and stuff online lasts forever. All that.

I'm honest about how it all impacts me as well as a grown up, and explain that's why I'm trying to help them learn how to enjoy tech and get all the benefits they can while minimising harms. Obviously I use different language for different ages.

I do think my oldest has a good understanding of all this and hope that means he will end up in a healthy place with tech and screens even if we have some screen and phone filled times over the next few years. But also really interesting to hear thoughts and wisdom here from families with older.kids cos it's definitely one thing to keep a 3yo off a tablet in a restaurant and quite another to help a tween or teen navigate their way in a digital world.

Boundaries and being neurotypical.

I think most of these posters are missing the number one point, which is that the first way for your kids not to become addicted to screens is to not be addicted yourself

I don’t think it’s smug to have boundaries like no screens at the table. Even with teens.

Mine are still little (7, 5 and 1) but they don’t have their own devices (no iPads etc.), are not and have never been given our phones other than e.g. to look at a photo or (current obsession for the older two) the Premier League table.

They watch a bit of TV, but this is naturally limited in term time by all the clubs and activities they do and it’s only used once they’re ready for school in the morning and after supper in the evening. I must admit that during the holidays they have been watching more - easily two hours this morning as I was trying to get some work done. I think the message is to start as you mean to go on - in restaurants we play card games with the older two or go to child-friendly restaurants where they get colouring stuff. They would never ask for a screen to entertain them because they have never been given one. Of course, it’s harder work as a parent than shoving them in front of a screen…. On journeys we have never given them screens and they manage to entertain themselves - DC3 is usually asleep tbf, DC1 can read so will read a book to himself or out loud to DC2. DC2 also loves a sleep in the car which helps.

I am under no illusions about how this will change when they’re older. DC1 (about to go into Y3) is already talking about friends playing on games consoles and when he will have a phone 🙈. I am absolutely dreading it to be honest. I am hoping that a childhood of having lots of hobbies and interests and ways to entertain themselves other than on a screen will mean that they spend at least part of the day doing something else as teens!

I wasn’t referring to the boundaries, I actually agree with that. There was just a bit of an air of superiority with some of these responses.

This is such an interesting thread to me as even though my kids are still teenagers it just wasn't an issue when they were small. There were no smartphones when DC1 was born and we are only talking 2007 so it's just not something I really had to think about.

Anyway, it's possible to control pretty well in primary but all bets are off at secondary school. All homework is set and lots of it done online, and all socialising is online too. Some kids seem to really want to spend all their time online, others don't. Also, one of mine learns all sorts of stuff, does duolingo, chess etc. The other mindlessly scrolls through youtube shorts.

We didn’t find it to be an issue at all. Until secondary. Then it’s a problem. Ban it and your child hates you and becomes socially isolated because of you! Yay! Fun times. Everyone gives in. Everyone.

Do not give your baby and toddler your phone or tablet outside the house!

I go to toddler groups where some children are more interested in watching YouTube on the parents' phone than playing with the other children. I do not understand why they even have that option. And don't get me started on the tablets in the restaurant! I hate it! Hate it!

2.5yo DD

I let her watch 20-30 minutes of tv a day on the tv not a tablet sometimes she doesn't watch anything. She loves tv, but it's more about being strict with myself than her, sometimes it would be soooo much easier just to park her in front of it, but I don't.

Also I try to pick slow paced tv shows, my daughter favourite atm is Pip & Posy.

Encourage other interests from a young age. Read to them. When out take colouring books/other activities to do at table and talk to them (don't use your own screens at table etc)

It’s not being smug, it’s bloody hard work. You do have to start as you mean to go on, toddlers do not need screens, if they have never had them they won’t constantly nag for them. Meals out have to be pre planned, small toys and books, stickers and crayons, make them part of the meal experience by engaging with them. CBeebies as an occasional treat, the minute it becomes a routine, it creeps up and becomes impossible to police. Encourage a love of books and open ended play.

Once they are at school it becomes more difficult but keep your boundaries, fill their lives with a love of sport and hobbies, model the behaviour you want with your own screens. The number of houses I go into where the tv is just on…no one particularly watching it, just blaring away in the background.
Once you hit secondary school all bets are off ! Even then, no screens ever in the bedroom at night, switch off at reasonable hour and full access and passwords at all times. No TikTok or Snapchat or Facebook until the legal age.

Encourage a love of books and open ended play

It is possible to do this and have screens by the way.

Hmm. I didn’t get that at all.

@mafsfan I've been discussing this thread with DH and he asked me to ask you what differences you notice in the tablet all day Vs play at home kids? Is it attention/behaviour/social skills?

I go to toddler groups where some children are more interested in watching YouTube on the parents' phone than playing with the other children.

And this is where the problem with screens shows itself. For those saying ‘what’s the problem, screens are good, they need screens to socialise and work these days’ - here’s your answer.

They can become a replacement for real life.

@Livinginanotherworld How old are your kids?

Don't buy tablets, iPad, etc.

Use TV carefully but don't restrict access to quality TV programming or you'll turn it into forbidden fruit. There are many websites with suggestions for positive TV fare.

Make sure reading is a part of every day.

mine are 12 and 15. Things were pretty good to start with (we didn't have ipads etc when they were under 6) and they had no screens on weekdays with only a bit of TV or minecraft at weekend. Plus lots of lego / trips out / books / crafts /board games etc instead.

then lockdown happened. DH and I were both wfh in full on jobs and we let the kids have computer games for most of the day just so we could get work done.

we've gradually got back to about 2 hours gaming per child per day on non-school days (sometimes more if parents have work) and none on schooldays.

aside from phones at age 11, the kids have never had their own device (ipad / tablet / laptop / switch / whatever). any screentime is on a shared family device so when that gets put away, it is not a personal loss.

Dd8 has been on her iPad or switch for the last week nearly none stop. She enjoys it more than other stuff, why should I take away that enjoyment. If I asked if she’d like to go to the park she’d jump at that. We go get books from library, go to parks, museums, zoos, swimming class. However she has unlimited access to iPad, switch and tv anytime from when she wakes to bedtime. She’s learning to regulate it herself and can choose to go into the garden or play with toys too. She doesn’t enjoy reading, she’s being looked at for dyslexia so maybe that’s why. She regular comes to me telling me facts she’s learned from tv or YouTube kids.

I did absolutely everything listed on this thread. Encouraged physical activity. Played board games, ball games, crafts, experiments and puzzles on paper. Read so many books. Took them out for long nature hikes at weekends (summer) and fun museum trips (winter) and playground (always). Strictly limited screen time when younger. No consoles. Never had a smartphone myself till they were older. Etc.

... And I still ended up with a 13yo who is a total screen fiend. It's tough being 13. I can see he's suffering. He's escaping into games (not violent ones, thank goodness for that at least) and I haven't got the heart to take them away from him ...

My son is only 2 but he’s never been on an iPad yet. Really shouldn’t sound like an achievement but in this day and age, it is! We’d have tv on when he’s around but never kids tv other than one real life kids programme he likes that my husband started off letting him watch. It very quickly becomes addictive though and since baby #2 has arrived and he’s got good at working the remote he will bring it over to you with the tv switched on and ready to go when you’re mid-feed or doing something you really can’t amuse him during. I’ve given in a bit more recently now he’s over 2 but felt before that there was really no need for it at all. It’s definitely made him very hands on and he’d still probably prefer going and doing something rather than sitting watching something.

I wish I wasn’t as addicted to my own phone and didn’t need it so much for work so it could go away for a chunk of the day but I hate that he sees me staring at it while I go to all the trouble of avoiding screens the rest of the time

Frankly slightly shocked by parent of pre schoolers patting themselves on the back. Mine are teens now we genuinely didn’t have the tech - they didn’t see any screens bar tv until we caved on phones in year 7. Are things really so bad now that small children are given screens? That’s really shit.

Nothing much new.
When I was a kid I was obsessed with playing the playstation 1 and the Sims on the computer. Then I moved onto Pokémon on the gameboy.

I'm 34 now. I think I've turned out alright.
Thing is I still played out in the street with my mates.

Screens are addictive but so are so many other things.
It's all about moderation.

I don't agree with the whole 'never let my child near a screen until they're 11' thing because then what you find is they get to 11 and all of a sudden they're absolutely hooked and you can't get them off it. Limiting them almost makes it worse.