Why can't I just say to my 8 year old ...

[Thehuntess]

To put her shoes on and for her to fucking do it.
Instead I go to the toilet and come back to her pissing about jumping up and down on the bed .
Same every. Single. Day.
Ask her to brush her teeth. I have to stand over her " and now the tooth paste. No stop splashing the water in the sink. And now we brush..no not chewing the brush brushing"
" Can we put our pants on. No not flinging your dirty pair around "
Every . Single. Day.
She can't seem to do one single thing I ask without being asked 10000 times and me getting annoyed.
This morning I totally lost it after I said we need to leave in 10 minutes so shoes on please whilst I make my coffee to go

Come back in the room and she's again throwing a book up and down in the air. I had to get to work ffs and ten minutes is more than enough time for putting shoes on

Oh and hungry too, sorry I missed that post.

My 5 year old is like this. I thought he would just grow out of it but this thread makes me realise I may be a little too optimistic...

Ask her if she would behave like this with her teachers at school. She will say no, and then ask her if it's acceptable to do it at home.

Does she ever ask you to do anything, OP? (Of course she does)
So don't do it.
Piss about.
Especially if it involves getting out of the house to take her somewhere she wants to be.
Let her feel the frustration of someone not doing what they should be doing when they need to do it or when they were first asked.
Swap roles.

Harsh?
Perhaps
A good learning point?
Definitely.

@QuietDragon er, I'd definitely send my kid to school hungry and have done, if they were mucking around a breakfast. You don't need to coax and coddle on every occasion, sometimes just better to let them learn the hard way - as the mum of 5 upthread sensibly said. You can sympathise with them and give em a cuddle, but that doesn't mean you have to bend to their every whim and let them inconvenience everyone else.

You may have tried this but I go with timed levels of instruction:
"We're leaving in 5 minutes

• can you put your shoes on please"
• "shoes on please" (3 mins to go)
• "shoes on. NOW" (1 min to go)

and then leave.

I put the shoes at the bottom of the stairs by the door its the most boring place in the planet if we use any other room it's too distracting

I have taken my children out without shoes without coats they do learn on a cold day I have even slang ds in the car in his pants thrown his clothing on the seat and driven to the beach

I think I must have been like this because my mom dropped me off at relatives houses with no shoes more than once

Sounds like you need to stop asking her to put her shoes on and start telling her to put her shoes on.

Some kids don't get the nuances of polite language. 'Can you put your shoes on?' is not a choice, but that's what some hear. 'Please put your shoes on!' is a direct instruction, although the get out clause is no timescale. So 'Please put you shoes on now'.

When I was told this I didn't believe it'd make a difference. My DD wasn't stupid, she knew what I meant. But it absolutely changed her behaviour. I couldn't believe it.

Ask once.

Leave the house without shoes on if she hasn't put them on after being asked once.

In the case of the Rice Krispies - one warning about the pissing about, and then the bowl gets taken away and the cereal emptied into the bin.

Wrt the tooth brushing, she either does it right herself or you do it for her.

Be very firm. Ignore wailing and pleading. She needs to experience direct consequences of her behaviour.

@QuietDragon generally not as you have this stuff sorted by 4-5 years of age.
Honestly it starts with the first temper tantrum when you walk away and watch from a distance or pick them up and take them to the car.
by 13 the ears are turned off, so this mom has 5 years (3 less than the 8 she’s already wasted), to instill some basics of life.

I agree with @Theborder's tonne of bricks approach.

Don't apologise for shouting at your child this morning.

Sit her down and tell her you want cooperation the first time you ask, not the tenth. Tell her there is no alternative to listening that won't be punished. Putting on shoes after being told ten times to do it is not cooperation. Tell her that.

Deprive her of treats / privileges and remind her why every day there is an episode of blowing you off.

The thing is you clearly said 'we need to leave in 10 minutes so shoes on please' but why would she put her shoes on 10 minutes before you're going to go out the door? Is she just going to stand by the door for 9 minutes waiting for you to be ready? I'd find something else to do as well until it was actually time to go.

Why don't you just get her to put her shoes on at the same time you get the younger ones shoes on and you put yours on? Why would she put them on 10 minutes before you go anywhere? Say 'we going in ten minutes so finish up what you're doing' then when you're ready say, 'we all need to put our shoes on now' and then all go and put them on.

It sounds like you're just losing it because you're too rushed and you expect an 8 year old to behave like another adult would. There's no need to humiliate her or swear or shout at her, honestly there's some really shit parenting on this thread.

Biggest load of absolute shit even for MN.

Seem to be a lot of authoritarian parents on this thread (do as I say or face extreme punishments).

As someone who aims for authoritative parenting instead, here’s my take.

Read ‘How to talk so kids will listen’. It has really great strategies and examples of just the type of situation you’re describing.

Set extremely clear expectations - away from the point of stress ie at a time you can both talk calmly and positively. Explain the problem and come up with solutions together. And I mean really clear - what does eat sensibly mean? ‘Sit at the table and use your spoon. Thank youm’

Put tools in place to support - probably some kind of visual timetable or checklist giving her some responsibility for completing the task.

Make it being done well feel good for her. If it’s not done, give one warning and then follow through on the consequence (probably some kind of her time wasted later in the day because she made you late earlier). No need to shout or threaten. Just be consistent and calm - so also, build extra time into routines at the start so she has a bit of time to fail without it causing mega stress. Practice makes perfect.

And never make a threat you aren’t 100% prepared to carry through.

Good luck!

(Fwiw I’m a teacher who uses this approach at school successfully & have 2 very lovely teen & pre-teen dc who understand that when mummy (or any responsible grown up) says something, they blooming well do it. We can discuss it, but they’ll do it.)

@Yourebeingtooloud

I read that book. Did the validation. Did it all. Didn’t work. I set firm boundaries with my daughter at that age, absolutely with consequences but also with love.

Sometimes the best thing is to listen to your own instinct and NOT to read another book. Did I come down like a tonne of bricks on my daughter? Yes. Did it work? Yes. Do I expect perfection from her? Absolutely not. Was she loved with firm, clear and consistent guidance? Absolutely yes.

Like I said she’s a very happy 11 year old girl now and I am so proud of the way she conducts herself. I just know if I had read one more book, or tried another softly soft approach my life with her would probably look very different to what it does now. I even considered she may be aspergic back then trying to think of a reason why she just did not ever do as she was told. She’s totally NT by the way and just about to start secondary. We really should give children credit, they’re not stupid. They’re very intelligent little beings who know instinctively what they can and cannot get away with.

The problem with Mumsnet is, if someone like myself comes onto a board to advise another parent on “what worked” you get accused of allsorts, ‘authoritarian parenting’ being one of them. It makes mothers doubt themselves and ultimately doesn’t help. She’s not my only child and my other children responded to much, much softer approaches overall but she’s a feisty one. Always has been, it’s just managed and directed in positive ways now.

So she's ready to leave. She lost her ten minutes of playing she could of had but she'll still do it again the next time
I've sat her down and explained why I shouted and she said sorry ok
Just asked her to do her teeth ready for bed and did she listen .. nope . So I've told her she's wasted her story time now
During the summer we only need to leave at 8am on Tuesday and Thursdays so not 5 days a week
Her dad has her at home on Monday and on Wednesday DP mum comes to our house to look after them and I'm home Fridays so we're not constantly rushing her to be anywhere actually during the summer

She had 1.5 hours to eat a small bowl.of cereal and get dressed this morning.
Plenty of time
There is no rushing

@Riapia my experience is my experience, I'm sorry if it offends you. No need to be rude.

I always find they’re actually quicker getting ready the less time they have as less time between waking up and leaving for them to get distracted. I would definitely say make it fun with a visual list and if possible have something for her to look forward to at the end of the list, perhaps being allowed to watch a programme before you leave? The kids never get out or bed and ready quicker than in December as not allowed their advent chocolate till they’re all ready!

Could it be attention seeking because she has a wee brother?

Perhaps she’s trying to be as incapable as him so you spend more time looking after her?

No ideas as mine is only 5 but is the EXACT same. So kinda scared to think we will have many years of this still!!

I have 2 Dses both diagnosed with ADHD.

However since they were old enough to do it themselves they have followed the same getting ready routine every morning..(they don't even stay in Pjs if we re not going out).

If they mess around they get a black mark. X black marks = screen time removal. (Very rarely actually implemented- doing it once or twice at the beginning means they know Im serious. I also let them earn back time)

They are now 9 and 11 and my mum marvels at how easy it is to get them out of the house in the morning.

I have too much going on to pander to messing around. The 9 year old occasionally tries but never enough to actually make us late (I also always build in a buffer).

When it's not a standard school day (e.g. on holiday) we tell them the night before if we have to be up and out at a certain time.

I found that the only way mine would get themselves ready on time was making it very clear that nothing else happens in the mornings until the essential are done. So the TV (or any screen) can't go on until you're sitting ready to leave, dressed, breakfast, teeth done & shoes on.

Consequences of messing about in the mornings were followed through in the evenings - no screens/no treats etc. They got the hang of it pretty quickly from they were 6 & 8. (Now 9&11). I was relentless though with the follow through - possibly quite mean but it was the only language they understood.

When they were younger than that lists also helped which they ticked off or added a sticker once they'd done the task.

Try a timer. One she can see counting down would be good. So you give her 5 minutes to be downstairs with her shoes on and her hat or coat of whatever is necessary for that day. 2 minutes is enough for just shoes. Timekeeping is a skill and she just hasn’t quite got there yet. She doesn’t understand why you’re annoyed about her messing around because she is doing the tasks, just not as quickly as you were expecting. She probably can’t instinctively feel the difference between 5 minutes and 20 yet. The timer will help. Also go over clocks and time with her again. Not just how to read the time, but how long things last. Play a game where you try to guess when one minute has past and see how close you were. Talk about how an episode of her favourite cartoon might be 20minutes. A film she likes might be 90minutes which is the same as 1and a half hours. Walking/driving to school takes 15minutes, driving to Granny’s house takes 2 hours. Toast takes 2 minutes in the toaster but frozen fish fingers take 20 minutes in the oven.

My dc is the same. A bit older now but always has been a running battle. Exactly as you say. Gets distracted instantly. Just been diagnosed with ADHD.

Wish I had of realised earlier as I have massive guilt now at the times I pretty much lost the plot with her because I had asked for shoes on etc for the hundredth time!