Why can't I just say to my 8 year old ...

[Thehuntess]

To put her shoes on and for her to fucking do it.
Instead I go to the toilet and come back to her pissing about jumping up and down on the bed .
Same every. Single. Day.
Ask her to brush her teeth. I have to stand over her " and now the tooth paste. No stop splashing the water in the sink. And now we brush..no not chewing the brush brushing"
" Can we put our pants on. No not flinging your dirty pair around "
Every . Single. Day.
She can't seem to do one single thing I ask without being asked 10000 times and me getting annoyed.
This morning I totally lost it after I said we need to leave in 10 minutes so shoes on please whilst I make my coffee to go

Come back in the room and she's again throwing a book up and down in the air. I had to get to work ffs and ten minutes is more than enough time for putting shoes on

My DS7 can be a bit like this.

From time to time I snap and the decibels coming out of my mouth are scary enough to jolt him into action. I make myself jump sometimes.

Council house roots here too

Let her go out without shoes on, people will comment, she’ll be embarrassed!

I explained this morning why I got angry and went through what happened all I got was " but I put my shoes on look they are on"

Oh and a list can be helpful too, written down. Mine like this and zip through a list. Saves me repeating myself ad nauseum too!

My child will sometimes be silly or take ages getting dressed. If it really annoys me I put a 5 minute timer on my phone and say if she’s not dressed by the time it finishes there will be a consequence (something easily enforceable such as 30 minutes fewer cartoons, or 30 minutes less time to play out). This always works as the first time they don’t do it you enforce the consequence and they soon learn.

@threecupsofteaminimum

🤣🤣🤣

@Theborder she's 8, you "change" 8 year olds by parenting then differently, so OP is right that her reaction needs to change.

At 8yo I don't think she would necessarily have the presence of mind to comprehend the consequences for your job from being late @Thehuntess. So if the goal is to leave by 8am then I would build more slack by getting up earlier, give one instruction at a time, and create natural consequences like no TV time until teeth brushed and shoes on or a star chart to work towards a treat.

I like to use "broken record" technique rather than shouting - first time you say what you want to happen and from then you just say "shoes" calmly until it happens. Not saying shouting never happens, I don't have infinite patience.

I explained this morning why I got angry and went through what happened all I got was " but I put my shoes on look they are on"

"And had you done it the first time I asked, I wouldn't have been angry" is the very simple answer to that.

Like PP, I just got to a point where I lost my patience with this sort of thing, and now my DC know that when I have my serious voice/face on they need to do as they're bloody told.

Shoes take ages to get on? For every minute of my time you waste, you lose screen time/staying up late privileges. I'm not unreasonable, and I do start laying the foundations early - "we need to leave in 5 minutes, please start getting yourself ready", etc so they have plenty of warning. But I don't cajole, and I don't keep extending the time in a wheedling way, once we need to go I am not playing any more and they know they run a very real risk of there being consequences to their messing around.

I worked past this stage by putting the shoes in the car, having toothpaste and brush in the glovebox and just leaving. Honestly it works beautifully.

@UniversalTruth

Of course you change them by parenting differently which is exactly what I did. I decided at age 8 she was going to have to start behaving herself and actually listening. I’m not someone who demands perfection. I know that kids…. Will be kids. But this sort of constant, low level disruption really grinds you down after a while and like I said, easier to “sort” at 8 than at 13.

So yes, I shouted. I reinforced consequences… time and time again. I came down on her like a tonne of bricks, listened to my instincts and not the books and we all became happier as a result.

OP, you mentioned consequences. What does your child enjoy? Remove it. Ban play dates, trips to the park, anything really that’s going to piss your child off and hopefully make them reflect on future behaviour. It’s not acceptable to not listen to you time and time again.

My daughter is 11 now. She has her moments like all kids do. She is however respectful and will do as she’s told 9 times out of 10. In comparison to some of her peers she’s an absolute Angel (although she wasn’t at age 8 as in comparison to her behaviour at say class birthday parties the difference was quite wide). She was quite clearly less well behaved back then. I remember it well. I remember hitting that wall like the OP.

I know but wasn't this in car afterwards? Chat to her later before bed and be v clear in expectations. See if it helps and get back her on side with you as part of the 'plan'. Lots of praise if she comes good.

I have something similar with my 6-year-old. I'll say "By the time I come back downstairs/back to your room/etc...I want to see your shoe on/teeth brushed/etc.." He treats it like a game and tries to "beat" me.

When we're trying to get out the door, when I am ready, I open the door, put his bags on the steps outside, get my keys and at this point he is usually right behind me, ready to go too.

No she isn't Nd

Fair enough; but...

She's only like this when she's asked to do something
She's 8 and just gets distracted by everything

These are actually really classic indicators. I'm not doubting you, of course you know your child but juts in case you haven't seriously considered it, it's worth nothing that while her behaviour can be typical for an over excited child it could also be indicative of something else.

My 8 year old had no problem getting ready on time and organising himself. My child with ADHD, at 8, could not/would not be organised and every day seemed to involve me losing my temper - I wish I hadn't. I'd no idea he had a neurodiversity and it just seemed he was being bad.

(Sorry I've two children in case that isn't clear)

Re your conversation in the car, maybe try something like this-

I asked you to put your shoes on

But I did

When we are getting ready for school/going out you need to put your shoes on instead of playing so that we can leave on time. Then you can play after school.

At her age it’s learning, also possibly getting a reaction from things like throwing dirty underwear around, and she’s still quite young to be on top of things like this. I do understand how frustrating it can be.

Sorry if this is a dumb question, but have you talked to her about WHY you need her to do things at first ask? Your morning sounds hectic, two kids to get out the door on time so you can get to work on time, their summer holiday waking up to an alarm every day etc. I’m 100% behind you.

Have you told her what the time crunch is? What happens and how stressful it is for you when you have to nag her repeatedly? How your attention has to go to the 2yo and she’s old enough to not be treated like a toddler? If she knows WHY perhaps she can actually help you instead of fighting you?

My 8 year old can be similar, and I sometimes end up shouting as well. She has improved in the past few months, but still has her moments. I also have concerns over possible ND.

The only way we’ve managed it is that DH or I stay with her as she gets ready in the morning to tell her what to do next and stop her if she gets distracted. I start by saying the things she needs to do (get dressed, go to toilet, brush teeth, brush hair) when we get into her room, then stand there saying put your top on, your leggings on, your socks on, now go to the toilet, now brush teeth, now brush hair.

She hates being late to school so I explained that on school days she needs to do everything as soon as we ask, and messing about means we have to rush and could be late. It’s still a work in progress but she has improved - I can now say ‘get dressed’ rather than having to specify each item of clothing, for example.

I agree with this.

My almost 8yo is the same. I think it's related to processing. He doesn't think he's messing about, he just has no sense of urgency, time management etc as he hasn't developed those skills yet. Once I realised that, my perspective and response changed. DS isn't any better at getting things done but I'm less bothered by it.

It doesn't mean I just do things for him, or their aren't consequences to him not doing them, but we don't have the battles we did.

I think you both need to break the cycle and try other ways.

Putting on shoes competition.
Write a list, give her a pen to tick things off.
"What do you want to do first, teeth or get dress?"
Let her choose a song or two and see if she can be ready by the time they finish.

As far as consequences go, maybe make some faux plans so that it doesn't actually matter if you don't go. e.g. we're going to the park, you need to have your shoes on by the time I come downstairs otherwise it will be too late.

Sit down and have a mature chat about it. Get a pen and paper. You write down the issue e.g. shoes need to be on before we can go out.
You then list your expectations, frustrations, feelings etc.
She then lists hers. This is your starting point for discussion.
e.g. You: it makes me really cross when I ask Jane to put her shoes on and she doesn't.
Jane: I hate it when Mum bugs me to get my shoes on.

Possible solutions (which both contribute to):
Go out with no shoes
Give more notice.
Get shoes which are easier to put on.
Make sure the shoes are always in the same place.
Ask in a different way.

Then discuss. Rule out ones which are not possible e.g. going out with no shoes.
Maybe if she feels part of the process she will cooperate more.

nb. this is all from the How to Talk So Kids will Listen book.

But God it's wearying.
What the heck is surprising about me asking whether he's brushed his teeth or refusing to let him off?!
Darling - you have brushed your teeth every single evening since you've had teeth. Why are you behaving like I'm being Sooooooo unreasonable.

DS2 is 7, and is able to do all of these things without being asked twice. DS1 is nearly 11 and needs constant reminders.

DS1 is, of course, autistic (Asperger’s) and ADHD (medicated).

I would be seeking further help for your DD.

At that age I got myself ready for school, including tying my own tie. If she's genuinely struggling, like PP have suggested, maybe she's ND.

I think OP should try other tools before seeking help for possible ND conditions.

My 10yo used to be like that at that age. She’s grown out of it now and is extremely organised. She sets her alarm for school, has breakfast gets dressed and walks out the front door! I guess she is motivated to see her friends.