Why can't I just say to my 8 year old ...

[Thehuntess]

To put her shoes on and for her to fucking do it.
Instead I go to the toilet and come back to her pissing about jumping up and down on the bed .
Same every. Single. Day.
Ask her to brush her teeth. I have to stand over her " and now the tooth paste. No stop splashing the water in the sink. And now we brush..no not chewing the brush brushing"
" Can we put our pants on. No not flinging your dirty pair around "
Every . Single. Day.
She can't seem to do one single thing I ask without being asked 10000 times and me getting annoyed.
This morning I totally lost it after I said we need to leave in 10 minutes so shoes on please whilst I make my coffee to go

Come back in the room and she's again throwing a book up and down in the air. I had to get to work ffs and ten minutes is more than enough time for putting shoes on

You’ve answered your own question. She’s 8 and gets distracted by everything.

You’re probably totally clear, her executive functioning is still developing, it’s really bloody frustrating and then we disappoint ourselves with our reactions.

Dial it back again? Ask her to do it at eye level and present her with her shoes, be beside her while she does it. Keep on ad Infinitum until she rolls her eyes at you and says she doesn’t need the help….?

And breathe, cut yourself some slack. 8&2 are brilliantly exhausting ages!

I think the child needs support, regardless of the reason. However; knowing why she needs support is vital if you want to be able to put the right things in place for her.

I knew there’d be a load of people suggesting she’s ND.

She’s 8 ffs. This is absolutely within the range of normal behaviour for 8 year olds. Doesn’t mean though that it can’t be addressed and improved and there are lots of good suggestions on this thread.

Another option might be to direct some of it at the younger sibling to make her feel more grown up/responsible “we all need to put our shoes on now DS, your big sister DD is going to put hers on really quickly and then she might even be able to help you with yours”. That kind of thing works wonders for mine.

Mine is like this at 4 and I was really hoping he'd grow out of it 😩

Mine is allowed TV in the morning once she’s ready- dressed, hair brushed, teeth brushed, bag ready, shoes chosen and waiting by the front door. If she faffs she looses her TV time. Seems to work.

@ParentsTrapped

I knew there’d be a load of people suggesting she’s ND.

She’s 8 ffs. This is absolutely within the range of normal behaviour for 8 year olds.

It's also working the range of 'normal' for ND children.

She needs support because she is 8 and from what OP has written, they've both got themselves in a funk. OP is probably already braced for a battle, her DD is probably already braced to be nagged. They need to try other things.

As it stands her parents are the best people to support their DD as she matures and learns to be more independent.

Where would OP go for help? GP? HV? I'm pretty sure, unless the OP has left lots of info out, they would give similar advice and suggestions to what has been given here and to come back in 6 months if there is no improvement or a decline.

Within

I've had a talk with DS about doing things "the first time of asking". And then I say things like "Put your shoes on please, this is the first time of asking". If I get to third time of asking, he loses tv time/playtime/pudding or whatever. Its so bloody frustrating isnt it.

@CharlotteBog

I wasn't suggesting anyone but her parents should support her, but simply the reason she needs support should dictate how that is managed.

Oh I see. I think that's why OP has posted.

Yeah but the OP has said this is the only issue her DD has, which is categorically not the case for ND children.

She’s a child. They don’t stay like this forever. Be firm, set clear boundaries and stick with it. Try reaching a class of 30 of them!

My DS is like this, no SEN, it drives me mad!

He responds really well to a timer, we used to have the consequence of losing weekend gaming time (every minute he went over was taken away) but this felt very harsh so we stopped it! But the timer works regardless.

When we really thought about it we decided we were being unfair. He can do it, but needs shimmying along. This makes life harder for us, but it's not really his fault and not something to punish him for.

Another game-changer is adding on 10 minutes to however long you would assume it to take. E.g. Same as you I would think 10 minutes is ages to get your shoes on and leave, but I can guarantee DS will faff about, lose a shoe, decide he needs the toilet and then want to take a water bottle or snack etc, etc.. So I always add on a 10 minute 'DS buffer'. It saves so much stress and upset.

Sounds fairly normal behaviour for an 8 year, especially one that gets very easily distracted. I always found checklists for them and alarms/timers with consequences helped

This. The kids is testing boundaries and taking the piss. To all those saying "give her time to accomplish these tasks" She's 8 not 3!

Ummm I see where your daughter gets this from, your replies are like her excuses…
at 0800 hours, like military regardless of her state of dress YOU LEAVE!
and this may include you leaving without her.
IF she’s NT then not only will she be fine but it the consequence.
firm “we leave at 8 fully dressed with teeth and hair brushed” END OF CONVERSATION!
you’re her parent not her best friend.

It does definitely read like your child is playing you ! She is clever and the whole 'but I did put my shoes on' faux naivety is just that - she knows what you really mean and what you actually asked of her, at that age.

Agree, I think all of mine who have been around that age have gone through a stage of “feigned incompetence” because they don’t want to or don’t care to. She’s 8, not 4. I have five so I have to run my time schedule tightly and one squirrelly child is not allowed to make the rest of us late or unprepared. Didn’t put your shoes on? No shoes then, and if we’re doing something requiring shoes and you don’t get to participate, I feel sorry for you, I’ll comfort you and I wish you’d made a better choice, hopefully next time!
I always give a 10-15 minute heads-up and a reminder but we are leaving at the time we need to leave.

I cut out the flowery language and it helps. If I start "please can you put your shoes on then brush your teeth because we need to go...." mine will zone out before I even get to the word "shoes" so now I just say "shoes on please", then once that's done "brush teeth please."

I find the fewer words I use, voiced as a single instruction, the more likely it will be done without me going insane.

If you are 100 percent sure that there are no additional needs then Id either take a couple of days holiday the first couple of days back to school, or arrange with work to be late in for a couple of mornings. Don’t tell her about the time off but reiterate that she needs to do things the first time that she is asked.

Ask her once for each thing and don’t remind, hurry, chivvy etc. Don’t even comment on the time until she is 100 percent definitely late. Take her into school via the office “I’m sorry that Sarah is so late - she wouldn’t put her shoes on this morning”. No anger, no shouting, no comments.

After a couple of days (so she has seen/felt the consequences of her behaviour) have a conversation about how to make it better. Refuse to make it your problem again - she can solve it however she wants but you are not being responsible for nagging/chivvying etc but will do things she reasonably requests eg putting a reminder alarm on your phone.

This sounds like my sister... as a kid she would have to be told multiple times, not a care in the world almost in her own world. She also was easily distracted and she constantly would arse around. She was my mums 4th child and my mum always knew there was something not quite right. Her learning at school was fine however same issues arsing around at school and the teachers couldn't cope. She ended up at a Pru as she got older.

She has been diagnosed with something but not sure exactly what. Your DD may grown of it though.

She needs to be taught what you expect before she's in trouble for not doing it.

Let her know that you'll remind her what she needs to do in the mornings, but when you give an instruction, she has to follow it the first time without argument.

Tell her why and the consequences she's choosing if she decides not to.

This in spades

It's easy to write all sorts on here, but in reality no one is taking their pyjama-clad 8yo to school, late, with bare feet to prove a point 🙄

At least I hope not.