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Original poster

Do l speak up to parents of new baby?

101 replies

Sprite1008 · 21/08/2023 08:15

My DS and DDIL have a new baby son. Much wanted after gruelling 3 rounds of ivf. We are so happy for them and our grandson is gorgeous!
Issue is that DDIL drinks hot coffee with DGS on her lap. Hot mug passes over baby's head numerous times. How do I bring this up tactfully? DS also seems oblivious to the risk. They are obviously smitten with their new son and I don't want to become the granny who constantly offers unsolicited advice and critisism. Wise Mumsnetters, please help a new gran who wants to be a positive support. Do I say something?

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SeaToSki · 21/08/2023 08:18

Please do say something, burns are dreadful in a baby and spilt hot coffee will scald them. Could you buy them both travel mugs and mention that you are worried about the baby as you have seen this article

https://www.cardiff.ac.uk/news/view/1703169-hot-drinks-are-the-most-common-cause-of-burns-to-young-children

Hot drinks are the most common cause of burns to young children

Thousands of injuries could be prevented every year

https://www.cardiff.ac.uk/news/view/1703169-hot-drinks-are-the-most-common-cause-of-burns-to-young-children

LittleMonks11 · 21/08/2023 08:19

New mums need hot coffee. I had a technique where I leaned over way to the right so mug never passed over/near baby. Or just handed her over/put her down. Do you think she would take offence?

Mindymomo · 21/08/2023 08:21

Be careful, I wouldn’t blatantly come out with stop passing hot drinks over baby’s head, but casually say, you’re brave passing hot drinks when you have baby on your lap or would you like me to hold baby whilst you drink that hot coffee. Unfortunately if you speak to your DS or DIL directly, they will probably think you are interfering, as much as you want to say something.

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RadioFoot · 21/08/2023 08:22

Hmm tricky.

elsbelsx · 21/08/2023 08:22

Whenever we give my in laws a hot drink they always said to us "will you have her off me, I don't want to have a hot drink over her incase I spill it".
I don't have hot drinks myself, however my partner does and I think because his parents always said this in the early days it stuck with him and now he will never have a hot drink if she's on his lap.
Maybe you could say something similar and see if it clicks with them?

caringcarer · 21/08/2023 08:22

SeaToSki · 21/08/2023 08:18

Please do say something, burns are dreadful in a baby and spilt hot coffee will scald them. Could you buy them both travel mugs and mention that you are worried about the baby as you have seen this article

https://www.cardiff.ac.uk/news/view/1703169-hot-drinks-are-the-most-common-cause-of-burns-to-young-children

Perfect.

ThatDifficultOne · 21/08/2023 08:23

buy her a nice travel mug as part of a little gift set so it’s not overly obvious as a criticism

Xrays · 21/08/2023 08:23

I wouldn’t say anything directly. Maybe as a general comment or make up some story about someone you know accidentally burning their baby with a hot drink.

LittleMonks11 · 21/08/2023 08:24

Gifted travel mug for drinking while holding baby is ideal

SunWorshipping · 21/08/2023 08:30

I drank hot tea holding mine, but I leant away to take a sip. I wouldn't have taken kindly to my mil trying to offer her opinion on my every move. If my mil had sent me posters etc I'd have said thanks and then been unavailable for visits until she got the message that her meddling wasn't welcome.

ZiriForEver · 21/08/2023 08:32

Don't use the "made up story" or "brave to". Especially the second one sounds like a huge indirect judgement, which it is.

Model yourself, elsbelsx's
"will you have her off me, I don't want to have a hot drink over her incase I spill it". sounds good.
Or, maybe send the link to the article, so they don't have to react on the spot.

Geordielass1987 · 21/08/2023 08:33

If you wanted to be tactful you could buy one of the fancy travel mugs from Starbucks / costa whatever she prefers and get her a gift card as a treat and then you could say oh I’m so pleased I got you the travel mug I was reading about a baby being burnt etc!

LemonLimeDivine · 21/08/2023 08:33

Buy her a thermos mug with lid. Spill proof and keeps her drinks hot for those long feeds / cuddles.

Original poster
Sprite1008 · 21/08/2023 08:34

Thank you all for your messages and the link.
Shall be ordering personalsed travel mugs pronto!

OP posts:
LucyAnnTrent · 21/08/2023 08:38

Oh gosh, I think you have to say something. It's so easy for an accident to happen under these circumstance (especially when baby gets a bit older and starts to move unpredictably). A nice travel mug, as suggested by PP, is a great idea, but discuss your concerns with your DS and hopefully he will point out the dangers to your DIL. Otherwise she may not take the hint and just use the travel mug when travelling!

Elizabethwalton · 21/08/2023 08:38

ThatDifficultOne · 21/08/2023 08:23

buy her a nice travel mug as part of a little gift set so it’s not overly obvious as a criticism

This...Will keep it hot for ages so will be a great gift!

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 21/08/2023 08:43

It has never occurred to me not to drink coffee when holding a baby, toddler, child, other than the usual caution about keeping the child away from it by not letting them pull it off a hot table etc. if I’m holding it, I’m keeping it away from them.

I go to a baby group where the whole idea is to get a cuppa and sit around chatting about baby things and everyone is a single adult drinking a hot drink and holding a baby or watching a baby in some way.

congratulations on your grand dc.

peasandpetals · 21/08/2023 08:48

As long as you're not a constant advice giver to the new parents I think it's fine to mention it.
Just say you know you may be overthinking but it's worrying you. I'm sure that'll be ok.
I'm a Nanna too and very occasionally say something but not in a judgey way.
Don't buy the mugs. Just be kind and honest.
X

MsCactus · 21/08/2023 08:56

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 21/08/2023 08:43

It has never occurred to me not to drink coffee when holding a baby, toddler, child, other than the usual caution about keeping the child away from it by not letting them pull it off a hot table etc. if I’m holding it, I’m keeping it away from them.

I go to a baby group where the whole idea is to get a cuppa and sit around chatting about baby things and everyone is a single adult drinking a hot drink and holding a baby or watching a baby in some way.

congratulations on your grand dc.

Yeah agree with this. I've never seen any mum not drink a hot drink with their baby. Otherwise you wouldn't get a drink in the early days.

Personally though I hated ANYONE ELSE holding a hot drink while holding my baby. My baby was my most important person so I was very very careful with hot drinks, but wasn't sure about other people/family

LeopardCat · 21/08/2023 09:02

Oh gosh, I think something definitely needs to be said. They might dislike you for it, but it’s a small price to pay if it nudges them to think. I personally cannot have any drinks when holding my baby, simply because a while ago, way before I had the baby, I was drinking hot coffee and a bottom of a mug simply came off… I have burnt my leg quite badly, not to mention the weight of the bottom of the mug.
Perhaps next time you have a hot drink, make a point of drinking it over a table and say that someone recently told you about the mug story I mentioned above? Won’t be a lie as I did tell you the story.
Best of luck, hope they take it well, well done on spotting this concern

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 09:10

Don't send the link, don't make up some pretend story, they will be very obvious criticisms and likely not appreciated.

bryceQ · 21/08/2023 09:11

I would say something like, I read an awful story about an accident with a hot drink and a baby it's always stuck with me... I know you're always so careful but could i get you a travel flask? Just say it in passing like that

Xrays · 21/08/2023 09:16

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 09:10

Don't send the link, don't make up some pretend story, they will be very obvious criticisms and likely not appreciated.

But it’s okay to give a travel mug which is an obvious criticism and something that they’ll never use?? 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

When dd was a baby my then in laws (now ex) came round with those hideous fold up tables you put in front of you to eat your dinner from because we didn’t have a dining table and they were horrified we were eating out dinner on our laps. It felt such a passive aggressive judgey thing to do. They went straight to the charity shop when they’d gone.

CoffeePlease1 · 21/08/2023 09:21

I think you should say something. I'm a FTM of a baby and love my coffee. I only drink it if the baby is asleep in her cot or someone else has hold of her. It's not worth the risk. I'd be cautious of travel cups too because they can leak. Just say 'do you want me to hold dc whilst you have your coffee?'

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 09:21

Xrays · 21/08/2023 09:16

But it’s okay to give a travel mug which is an obvious criticism and something that they’ll never use?? 🤷‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

When dd was a baby my then in laws (now ex) came round with those hideous fold up tables you put in front of you to eat your dinner from because we didn’t have a dining table and they were horrified we were eating out dinner on our laps. It felt such a passive aggressive judgey thing to do. They went straight to the charity shop when they’d gone.

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Yeah I don't love the travel mugs either tbh.

I'd say your DIL has done her risk assessment and is fine with it - I've seen many a new mum having a hot drink with a baby and known none of them injured. While the baby is a non moving newborn the risk is small.

You might do the same risk assessment and conclude that any risk of something so severe is too high and that's fine but it's not your decision to make. They'll likely make loads of decisions you disagree with, this is just the start of it. And you'll probably have lots of views or expectations that are out of date now if this is the first grandchild and you haven't kept up with recommendations.

Basically, tread very carefully.