Do l speak up to parents of new baby?

[Sprite1008]

My DS and DDIL have a new baby son. Much wanted after gruelling 3 rounds of ivf. We are so happy for them and our grandson is gorgeous!
Issue is that DDIL drinks hot coffee with DGS on her lap. Hot mug passes over baby's head numerous times. How do I bring this up tactfully? DS also seems oblivious to the risk. They are obviously smitten with their new son and I don't want to become the granny who constantly offers unsolicited advice and critisism. Wise Mumsnetters, please help a new gran who wants to be a positive support. Do I say something?

I'd say that this is a phase that YOU have to go through as a grandparent.
You have to learn to accept that your turn to be in charge of the baby, so what's best and how it's protected, is essentially over.

You can offer support and help, but I think that you should try to rid yourself of the feeling that you would be responsible if anything were to happen while the child is with them.
It's a unhealthy circle where a person is able to unburden themselves by making little comments here or there. For a start, if a parent didn't understand the unburdening aspect, they would probably feel offended by the perceived lack of common sense, or judged by the choices they make for their child.
Don't be that grandparent who feels that if they don't say to watch the kids in the bath every single week until they are basically showering by themselves then they can't sleep at night for the worry!

@KaratemaApparently, one of the toddler's wanted attention and grabbed arms; one of which held the hot coffee. Miraculously toddler was not burned.

That’s a different situation though - a toddler who’s awake and active could very easily cause an accident like that. It’s harder to imagine the same thing happening with a still, sleeping newborn.

I didn't think about it when I had a new baby until I went to a friend house for coffee and she asked to have a cuddle with my little one whilst I drink my hot coffee with free hands.

she didn't mention burning risk but her comment made me realise myself.

id go with asking for a cuddle and then when they've finished their drink ask to pass baby back so you can drink yours.

Just make a brew for her and when its ready just make a point of putting it on the side, not handing it to her as you dont want to spill it on baby.. hopefully a subtle hint of what can happen and do it every time you make her a brew if she doesn't take the hint

Ofer to hold the baby whenever they have a hot drink - "Oh let me have baby so that you can have your drink without him trying to touch it"

I got sent research about why I should be weaning my child at 4 months. Its passive aggressive and really obvious that you didn't stumble on some research.

Op be upfront and just make it so so clear you really don't want to offend but you're nearly having a heart attack with the hot drinks and explain why. Just make it clear you're dreading telling them but you couldn't live with yourself if the baby got burned. Be prepared to upset them because noone is perfect and it's horrible having it pointed out.

I switched to travel mugs with my infant and never went back.

Also straw tumblers for cold drinks. Both are excellent for avoiding spills on babies, toddlers spilling your drink, and evil cats tipping over your beverage.

Our cabinets are mostly stocked with adult versions of sippy cups now.

I think I might mention it diplomatically to my son emphasising I'm really not interfering but just concerned.

For those who don't understand the absolute joy of a contiki flask, have you never struggled to find a place to set your mug? With a decent travel mug it can just be flung on the sofa beside you, left on the floor, forgotten about in bed... it's completely liberating and I've no idea why it's not the go-to present for a new Mum.

Careful how you approach this though OP. You're right, it's dangerous, but I'd have bitten your head off if you'd told me that 😳

Sorry but it really is none of your business. Buy the travel cup if you want, but it is their decision as parents. Everything has a risk.

Buy her a contigo as a gift and say it's so her drink stays hot

Surely by the time you add milk and leave it 5 mins so it's drinkable it's not actually scalding anymore?
Travel Mug they would assume is for when they go out plus they do keep the drink scalding for hours so possibly worse.
Definitely agree to the posters suggesting you hold baby while they have their drink when it's hot. That's by far the most helpful advice and will be appreciated rather than feel like a criticism

🙄

Why are some people so proud and uptight? This is a perfectly innocuous concern to raise, and a valid one too.

I would personally say it to DS and let him bring it up when they are alone and the conversation is more natural. I would also say not to mention it came from you as you know being a new mom is hard and the last thing anyone wants is advice coming from MIL or outsiders.

I admit I would feel defensive as a FTM getting unsolicited advice from anyone by DH. But, in your case its a safety risk and not advice that is just parenting styles or differing opinions so I think you need to try and do something but do step lightly.

If you can't trust DS to keep your anonymity, then next besr course of action, is to mirror the behaviour as PPs said. If you have the baby and they offer you a hot drink then ask them to leave it on a table and you'll have it later incase you spilled any and burnt DG. That way you are giving the advice indirectly and not to them by saying "give DG to me while you drink hot drinks".

I inadvertently did this at my in laws. My DS is mobile now so we started leaving hot drinks to cool on the dining table (he can reach coffee table now). Then we drank them standing or else in turns while someone had DS. We started doing this at inlaws and without asking they started doing it too.

Please don't say anything. My mum was a lecturer in early child development and she never said a word about my parenting choices. That was the right decision for our relationship. She did agree with me when I got it right in her opinion but kept it well and truly shut otherwise. This is unequivocally the right approach. These are adult parents, who love their child. The health visitor can tell them. But I wouldn't risk the implicit criticism at this point.

Buy her a really good cup that has a cover which will keep her coffee hot. Much appreciated present for me. I have an Aladdin one which is amazing and Bodum ones are good too.

You could always subtly bring it up, maybe say you have read an article/post, or come across a video that shows the risks and that it worries you. It might make them feel better/less judged if you say you didn't realise the risks either until you saw this?

Ditto.

You can't make a risk assessment on a low-risk / high severity outcome purely on the basis of your own, very limited bank of experience. Of course it's highly likely you don't have or know of any personal accounts of this incident, because it doesn't happen very often.* *But it does happen, daily, and almost certainly to parents who are just as confident as you and the other posters of their ability to "control a mug".

There could not be a clearer judgement to make that there is zero justification whatsoever to holding an open cup of hot liquid directly over a baby, when there are multiple alternatives to doing so already listed in this very forum, that have absolutely no downside to them whatsoever.

In terms of a "risk assessment" it's about as straightforward as it gets, given that the consequences of even a small accidental spillage can be catastrophic.

If parents either haven't considered this, or don't have the ability to rationalise this process and separate it from far more nuanced aspects of parenting (like weaning / co-sleeping / hats & all the rest of it), then they need to be told clearly and directed to the alternative buy the person that has picked up on the dangerous behaviour. That is far removed from a mother in law interfering in the other aspects of care that they would be best off minding their own business.

Thanks so much to everyone who has shown understanding and for some good suggestions and supportive advice. As I said in my opening post, I want to be a positive support to my DS and DDIL and their son. I certainly don't want to be interferring in their parenting style and decisions but I do have a genuine concern, hence seeking advice here.

I had hot coffee spilled on me as a baby and Ive still got the scars

My neighbours youngish sister in law (some years ago now) had dreadful scars up her arms, when I asked how she got them it was just a hot cup of tea when she was a baby or toddler can't remember which. She had had numerous operations to deal with it over the years. It was an awful sight tbh.

You need a mouth on a stick like me around I accidentally told someone about the dangers of scalding because I just didn't.stop.talking.. I told a new mum she was very brave drinking coffee around her newborn when I had mine you would have been judged hard (true) we actually weren't allowed hot drinks at the playgroups I attended one group allowed you to step in the kitchen for a sip of water but there was no tea or coffee for the parents and usually you were only allowed to bring your own bottled water (nothing fizzy sugared or staining like vimto) I went on (i was sleep deprived I should add and missed the signals someone was giving me) the other group I went to we had hot drinks on a rota in the kitchen and to top it off I said the only time I attended a place that allowed hot drinks a child got burned initially just his chest and back but they pulled his tshirt off immediately and it went up his face too the other staff member was laughing so hard when we discussed it after apparently they had been "suggesting" to her for weeks that scalding hot drinks around a child wasn't a good idea after my sleep deprived waffle she bought a travel mug I wasn't even judging her! I was just making conversation

But she wasn't a relative so she wasn't offended

Maybe lead by example? When they offer you a hot drink say no thank you don't like to have a hot drink while I'm holding her in case I spilt any

I think the travel mug idea is stupid.
I have a cupboard full of them and would never dream of using them at home, I only use them to take a cup of tea in the car.
Hate drinking out of them and so many dribble too.
The point would entirely pass me by.

The simplest way is modelling.
Make her a cup of tea and then put it down on the side without the baby and simply say - I'll put your tea on this side so you can reach it without going over the baby's head.
Or as pp have said, when you have the baby pass it back so you can drink your tea without spilling it.

When mine were newborns this actually did not occurr to me until I saw someone else deliberately put their cup to one side and drink without going over the baby. Then the penny dropped immediately.

Yes, it seems an unpopular view but I can’t stand to see this either and no one held my babies when drinking hot drinks. They probably all thought I was being ridiculous or hostile to hot drinks as I don’t drink them. Couldn’t care less - one of my friend’s mum spilled tea on her baby.