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Original poster

Do l speak up to parents of new baby?

101 replies

Sprite1008 · 21/08/2023 08:15

My DS and DDIL have a new baby son. Much wanted after gruelling 3 rounds of ivf. We are so happy for them and our grandson is gorgeous!
Issue is that DDIL drinks hot coffee with DGS on her lap. Hot mug passes over baby's head numerous times. How do I bring this up tactfully? DS also seems oblivious to the risk. They are obviously smitten with their new son and I don't want to become the granny who constantly offers unsolicited advice and critisism. Wise Mumsnetters, please help a new gran who wants to be a positive support. Do I say something?

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Riverbananacarrot · 21/08/2023 11:34

I would have been furious if my mum never mind my MIL said something like that because I would assume she thinks I don't know how to look after my own child.
My baby was so fussy and would only settle on me or her dad so I would have starved if I could eat or drink while holding her.

How is Ur relationship with your son? If you are that worried could u say to him something like " this probably seems silly I know but I read this article and can't stop thinking/worrying about it did you know this?"

lucya66 · 21/08/2023 11:45

I wouldn’t say anything at all. It won’t end well for you.

Outwiththenorm · 21/08/2023 11:46

Agree with the travel mug idea - I used mine for the first two years of DC’s life. As well as safety concerns (I tipped a cup of boiling tea over my hand as an infant) it was also the only way I got to have a hot drink as I was so often distracted the tea or coffee would have gone cold in a normal cup. I would have been happy to receive one from my MiL.

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JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 11:56

Also, doesn't everyone of an age to have a newborn already have a favourite travel mug, a backup and a drawer full of spares? It will look very pointed.

Maddy70 · 21/08/2023 12:00

SeaToSki · 21/08/2023 08:18

Please do say something, burns are dreadful in a baby and spilt hot coffee will scald them. Could you buy them both travel mugs and mention that you are worried about the baby as you have seen this article

https://www.cardiff.ac.uk/news/view/1703169-hot-drinks-are-the-most-common-cause-of-burns-to-young-children

Yes maybe show them this article and spin it as if it's worried you...eg I would never have thought not to drink a hot drink , I'm going to be really mindful now. Etc. Etc

Lwrenagain · 21/08/2023 12:03

@Sprite1008 what are they like as people? Would saying something upset them? Hormones make lots of women more worried about criticism, self included.

Saying that I worry about newborns and baby's with the hot drink risks but I'm clumsy, maybe DDiL is very steady handed and doesn't think it's even a remote risk.

This is a tough one, it really is.

Sorry for you, OP. I'd be anxious also

MrsMarzetti · 21/08/2023 12:08

Ineedasitdown · 21/08/2023 10:48

That was unlucky. Just the once though?
By that logic we should all worry about the sky falling in.

Show quote history

It will feel like the whole bloody world has caved in to a Parent it they spill tea on their baby. The guilt they would feel every time they looked at the scars would be lifelong and the child would suffer the rest of it's life because it's parent couldn't wait half an hour for a cuppa.

MrsMarzetti · 21/08/2023 12:10

Riverbananacarrot · 21/08/2023 11:34

I would have been furious if my mum never mind my MIL said something like that because I would assume she thinks I don't know how to look after my own child.
My baby was so fussy and would only settle on me or her dad so I would have starved if I could eat or drink while holding her.

How is Ur relationship with your son? If you are that worried could u say to him something like " this probably seems silly I know but I read this article and can't stop thinking/worrying about it did you know this?"

Maybe it did need saying.

crostini · 21/08/2023 12:16

Stay out of it. This would wind me up a lot, especially post partum. Most adults know how to drink without spilling and she will be being extra careful anyway

Notsurehowtofeel1 · 21/08/2023 12:17

It's not a tough one in the slightest. This thread clearly shows that some people need to be told outright not to do something completely idiotic.

There is clearly no comparison between mitigating the totally unnecessary risk of spilling a scalding hot drink over a newborn baby Vs unsolicited advice on hats, prams and baby wipes etc.

It doesn't mean not drinking when holding a baby (although to my knowledge no-one has ever "starved" because they couldn't have a hot drink FFS....) - I used to put the mug on a coffee table to the side and lean a little away from the baby when drinking it, for example. Problem solved.

Just tell your son that what his wife is doing is dangerous. Show them the website safetea.org.uk if they don't understand. What's the worst that could happen exactly? They might be a bit miffed for a short while? Compare that to the worst that can, and does, happen to babies every day who have scalding hot drinks spilt onto their heads... I suspect all of their parents were 100% sure it wouldn't happen either.

BlueBlubbaWhale · 21/08/2023 12:19

Travel mug is a great idea with a comment of 'there's nothing worse than finally getting around to your coffee and finding it's gone cold'

Problesolving · 21/08/2023 12:20

Sprite1008 · 21/08/2023 08:34

Thank you all for your messages and the link.
Shall be ordering personalsed travel mugs pronto!

Contigo ones are best and the lids are very secure.

Cranberriesandtea · 21/08/2023 12:23

@SeaToSki yes this is perfect it's providing a solution and the reason why you are concerned. Plus the travel mug means drink will stay hot when they get distracted with baby!

Goldbar · 21/08/2023 12:25

I agree with travel mug idea. I've used one with both my babies and they're great.

I have an insulated one with a lock so I can have it on the floor next to me while I'm playing with my baby and no chance of a spill or burn... I lock it after each sip! I do generally keep it out the way of LOs but at least the risk of a nasty accident is greatly reduced.

This thread has reminded me... I got crumbs/juice on my babies quite often while breastfeeding 😂. Would never have risked a hot drink.

MammaTo · 21/08/2023 12:27

I think when you’re the person holding the baby it doesn’t seem like a big deal but when you’re the observer it makes me freeze a little bit.
I think the travel mugs are a good idea and modelling the behaviour yourself and saying can someone take the baby while you have a hot drink.

WaverleyOwl · 21/08/2023 12:36

I think the only thing you can do is model the behaviour you want to see - so when you have the baby and someone gets you a cuppa, just ask them to put it to the side, and ask if someone can hold the baby while you enjoy your cuppa as you're too nervous about spills.

If you MUST say something, then I would just have a quiet word to your son and say that you hate to interfere, but it makes YOU really nervous when someone holds the baby whilst drinking/moving hot drinks. Frame is as being a favour to you, rather than a criticism of them.

roarrfeckingroar · 21/08/2023 12:46

I'm sure she's capably of taking care of her child. This would really get my back up if my
MIL said something like this.

Katrinawaves · 21/08/2023 13:26

Notsurehowtofeel1 · 21/08/2023 12:17

It's not a tough one in the slightest. This thread clearly shows that some people need to be told outright not to do something completely idiotic.

There is clearly no comparison between mitigating the totally unnecessary risk of spilling a scalding hot drink over a newborn baby Vs unsolicited advice on hats, prams and baby wipes etc.

It doesn't mean not drinking when holding a baby (although to my knowledge no-one has ever "starved" because they couldn't have a hot drink FFS....) - I used to put the mug on a coffee table to the side and lean a little away from the baby when drinking it, for example. Problem solved.

Just tell your son that what his wife is doing is dangerous. Show them the website safetea.org.uk if they don't understand. What's the worst that could happen exactly? They might be a bit miffed for a short while? Compare that to the worst that can, and does, happen to babies every day who have scalding hot drinks spilt onto their heads... I suspect all of their parents were 100% sure it wouldn't happen either.

And along comes someone to completely demonstrate my point.

There will always be a completely hysterical person (usually a woman) who will identify a minuscule or non existent risk and blow it into a huge drama, and berate you for your poor parenting whilst castigating you as an idiot (and by contrast themselves as the font of all knowledge). That’s what your DIL will be dealing with for the next few years as her child is small and if you want to put yourself in the hysterical critic camp, there will be an impact on your relationship.

Personally I have never spilled a hot drink on any of my children nor have I ever known anyone to do so causing injury. The handle has never fallen off my cup nor has the bottom ever fallen out of it. These are really unlikely risks. I have known children to be scalded when young - both were toddlers and pulled the flex of a hot kettle which was trailing. That is a genuine risk and one you are often warned about as a new mother by health visitors.

Generally speaking the first thing that happens after you give birth is that a nice midwife makes you a hot cup of tea whilst you enjoy some skin to skin with your newborn. Maybe some on those midwives rip said newborn out of your arms when they do so, but that wasn’t my experience for any of mine, nor did the NCT or local breastfeeding support groups show any concern about coffee mornings.

All of which leads me to believe it is reasonable to allow mothers to make their own risk assessments on this one and if they don’t feel they are unusually clumsy or that their children are unusually wriggly, they are not “idiotic” for having a cup of coffee whilst holding their child…

ElFupacabra · 21/08/2023 13:30

Just giving her a travel cup is going to do bott all. Why would she just start drinking from a TRAVEL cup in the house because you bought her one? If this is so important to you, be an adult and talk to her about it.

Hibiscrubbed · 21/08/2023 13:36

Never occurred to me to not drink tea or coffee while curled up in the armchair feeding my baby. And if my inlaws handed me a travel mug with my name on it it tried to take my baby away, I’d have told them to back off.

Hibiscrubbed · 21/08/2023 13:37

Also the travel mug is confusing, they’ll likely just think it’s due when they’re out and about. As any normal person would.

morag1234 · 21/08/2023 13:50

I really wouldn't say anything.
She's a grown up and has made a decision that she's ok with.
The coffee might also not be as hot as you think.

I think the idea of buying them travel mugs isn't great. They won't randomly start drinking out of travel cups in the house. You would have to explain why you've bought them and it will come across as criticism.

My MIL was like this. Very quick to comment on everything. She made a few "clever" comments but it was always easy to see through it. Unfortunately it made me detest my MIL (but then I'm really awful at taking criticism). I think particularly with your first baby you are very, very sensitive to comments and it doesn't end well.

I say leave them to it, be supportive and don't look for issues.

My only other suggestion is if you have a quiet word with your Son and then he could casually say something when she's next drinking coffee.

Such a difficult one.

JenniferBarkley · 21/08/2023 14:04

Also remember - you definitely did something with your children that your mother and/or mother in law thought was dangerous. We all have different interpretations of risk.

carduelis · 21/08/2023 14:05

I am really clumsy and even I would struggle to spill a hot drink over a totally immobile newborn on my lap (if they were awake and might jog me then fair enough). Surely the risk is far greater if you put a hot drink down somewhere and a mobile baby pulls it onto itself?

And surely if you’re worried about some sort of freak accident like the bottom falling off a cup, that’s just as likely to happen to a travel cup?

Karatema · 21/08/2023 14:11

I don't know about anyone else but I have seen This type of accident happen! It was horrifying. Luckily, one of the Mums was a nurse and scooped baby up and ran through to the showers (it was a swimming pool cafe) and turned the shower on cold so both her and baby were drenched. Emergency services duly arrived and wrapped the arm and body in cling film. Mum was scalded too. Both went to hospital.
I didn't know the group, and it all happened so quickly, so didn't know how it happened, at the time, but heard through a mutual friend that both baby and mum recovered but both had burn scars. Apparently, one of the toddler's wanted attention and grabbed arms; one of which held the hot coffee. Miraculously toddler was not burned.