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Original poster

Do l speak up to parents of new baby?

101 replies

Sprite1008 · 21/08/2023 08:15

My DS and DDIL have a new baby son. Much wanted after gruelling 3 rounds of ivf. We are so happy for them and our grandson is gorgeous!
Issue is that DDIL drinks hot coffee with DGS on her lap. Hot mug passes over baby's head numerous times. How do I bring this up tactfully? DS also seems oblivious to the risk. They are obviously smitten with their new son and I don't want to become the granny who constantly offers unsolicited advice and critisism. Wise Mumsnetters, please help a new gran who wants to be a positive support. Do I say something?

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Katrinawaves · 21/08/2023 09:26

And so it starts. A comment when the baby is a newborn about hot drinks. A few weeks later a suggestion that they don’t use baby wipes because of the chemicals. Advice in September that bang needs a hat. In October that maybe she should supplement breastfeeding with a bottle so she can have a break and by Christmas you will be posting to say that your DIL’s parents see far more of the baby than you do and how unfair it all is.

You’ve had your children and your chance to parent. Your unsolicited advice is extremely unlikely to be received well because new mums face a constant barrage of well meaning advice from the whole world about how to bring their children up and it’s a stressful and upsetting time usually.

If you must say something (and really this is such an over reaction to a common behaviour and so low risk) then mention it to your son when your DIL is not around. And accept that the price of this may be that you are invited around a lot less to see this much wanted baby but if the risk is genuinely as high as you are claiming it is, then that will be a price you will be willing to pay surely?

Foxblue · 21/08/2023 09:29

Travel flasks is a really weird way to go about it tbh - I would just model it yourself as suggested above -
'Do you want to take the baby off me while I have this cuppa - I saw an awful story the other day about a baby knocking a hot cup of coffee onto itself and it scared the life out of me - I'm sure I've drank tea while holding her before without thinking!'
Opens up the conversation, nice and simple

Sunnydata · 21/08/2023 09:46

Speak to your son about it

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PregNance · 21/08/2023 09:47

When I had a new baby I didn’t take well to (what felt like) any criticism coming my way. I was tired, trying my hardest, etc - more than any other time in my life.

That said maybe she really hasn’t thought about it? And she’s be horrified if anything happened.

So yeah, maybe offer to hold the baby whilst she’s enjoying her coffee - so long as it’s not constant advice and recommendations it should be fine I’d imagine. My mother in law has so much to say all of the time I basically never listen and might actually be missing something useful.

L0bstersLass · 21/08/2023 09:47

Sprite1008 · 21/08/2023 08:34

Thank you all for your messages and the link.
Shall be ordering personalsed travel mugs pronto!

Don't do that, it's such a passive aggressive approach and they're unlikely to be used. I certainly wouldn't think of using one to drink coffee out of in my home. How are you going to let them know what they're for? Put a label on them saying "for use when holding baby"? If you don't let them know what they're for then they're pointless.

If you have a real concern then say something to them. And tell them both, don't leave it up to your son to tell his wife.
If you can't bring yourself to tell them, then it can't be that big a deal.

MrsMarzetti · 21/08/2023 09:59

I am shocked and stunned that parents are stupid enough to have hot liquid in one hand and a baby in the other.

Housenoob · 21/08/2023 10:05

So surprised that people are prioritising manners or the avoidance of awkwardness, over a young baby's safety. I'm sure she is aware of the risk but definitely mention something just so it's more in her head, she may not appreciate it at the time but I bet if she thinks about it later she'll switch to a travel mug.

Whentwobecomesthree · 21/08/2023 10:06

Do not say anything! It's not at all your place. Unless she is an idiot she understands the risk. As someone with a rather annoying MIL I can guarantee this would be super unappreciated even if well intentioned

If you have to say something speak to your son on his own

pinkyredrose · 21/08/2023 10:09

Elizabethwalton · 21/08/2023 08:38

This...Will keep it hot for ages so will be a great gift!

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Wouldn't that be more risk for the baby?

Ineedasitdown · 21/08/2023 10:14

Is she prone to dropping cups of hot drinks?
is the baby jumping about at the same time as she is drinking?

if the answer is yes to either - probably wise to say something.

if the answer is no - keep out of it and learn to deal with your anxiety.

Mummy08m · 21/08/2023 10:18

I'm in the pro-tea camp. As many have said, it's an incredibly common thing to do and burns/scalds are rare. If the baby is newborn, they won't be wriggling around forcefully enough to jog the cup. As soon as the baby is big enough to wriggle forcefully, the mum will stop doing this naturally.

I was very careful and overprotective of my dd when a baby but still did had tea while holding her - there's just so many more likely accidents to worry about.

What other extremely-unlikely risks will you be nagging her about?

Let the mum use her own risk assessment instincts.

sashh · 21/08/2023 10:19

I'd hand over a travel mug with, "Once the little one starts wiggling you might struggle to drink".

Or have a word with your son.

YouNeverCanTellWithBees · 21/08/2023 10:38

Buying a travel mug is really passive aggressive

Truemilk · 21/08/2023 10:46

Ineedasitdown · 21/08/2023 10:14

Is she prone to dropping cups of hot drinks?
is the baby jumping about at the same time as she is drinking?

if the answer is yes to either - probably wise to say something.

if the answer is no - keep out of it and learn to deal with your anxiety.

I had a handle break off a mug of hot tea once, badly burnt my legs. It's not always clumsiness

Ineedasitdown · 21/08/2023 10:48

Truemilk · 21/08/2023 10:46

I had a handle break off a mug of hot tea once, badly burnt my legs. It's not always clumsiness

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That was unlucky. Just the once though?
By that logic we should all worry about the sky falling in.

Mariposista · 21/08/2023 10:50

Definitely say something. I would not care about hurt feelings - I'd rather that than a scalded baby! FGS how irresponsible.

Recharge23 · 21/08/2023 10:59

Don’t buy anything or send articles or tell stories. I agree with PPs that they will have no idea what the travel mugs are all about and will just feel patronised.

The only thing you can do is to offer to hold baby so DDIL can enjoy her drink ‘while it’s still hot’. With a young baby I bet most of her hot drinks have gone cold before she manages to drink them! I’ve had 4 DCs and never knowingly drank or passed a scalding drink over their heads (and I’m pretty relaxed neglectful) but I know plenty of parents who did without incident. Not worth the risk in my mind but DGS is not yours and you have to accept that his parents will make decisions about his care now and in the future that you do not agree with.

Mummy08m · 21/08/2023 11:03

The only thing you can do is to offer to hold baby so DDIL can enjoy her drink ‘while it’s still hot’

Yeah, this is the absolute furthest I'd go, too. But don't be huffy if she declines.

Mummy08m · 21/08/2023 11:05

Don't have a word with your son. What good will that do, if it's DIL doing it? What if he passes it on very untactfully?

"My mum asked me to tell you that you shouldn't be drinking your coffee over the baby's head. She noticed you doing it yesterday."

This is literally the worst way of doing it! You'd make her annoyed with you and with her own DH all at once

pontipinemum · 21/08/2023 11:08

My MIL said something along the lines of ''DHs granny always refused to give anyone a cup of tea if they held a baby'' DH and I took turns having a cuppa when at theirs when DS was very small

If her MIL actually said that IDK but she basically told me what she wanted to say through someone long dead!

Comedycook · 21/08/2023 11:09

Im horrified so many people are so lax with this. I hate all this how cool and easy going can I appear as a parent shit. Newborns can often suddenly move in a jerky way, if you're holding a cup of boiling coffee over them, then an accident could easily happen. And it's so easily preventable. Better to get into good habits from the start. I used to go to a baby group years ago...one of the mums who went had a daughter who needed skin grafts. The mum left a hot drink on a coffee table and the daughter as a toddler pulled it off the table.

Op I'd have said something at the time when it was happening.... something like "oh be careful with the coffee, I've heard nightmare stories about hot drinks and babies".

WandaWonder · 21/08/2023 11:17

Why would she automatically use a travel mug just because you bought one for her?, she may or it could wnd up back of the cupboard, would be simpler to just mention it

retrainer · 21/08/2023 11:18

I'd say something to your DS out of your DIL's earshot, 'I read an article about how many babies are scalded by hot cups of tea/coffee, I wonder if I should get a travel mug for when I'm at yours - what do you think?'

If you bring it up once and they're still not bothered I think you just have to leave it to their judgement though, or offer to hold the baby while they drink their drinks.

Mummy08m · 21/08/2023 11:27

My MIL has gifted me a travel mug but I can't remember when, it might have been when dd was a baby.

If it was a hint, it entirely passed me by, lol. I use it on the way to work

seven201 · 21/08/2023 11:27

I wouldn't use a travel mug if I was given one and I'd be annoyed at being given one. I have to use one for hot drinks at work and it doesn't taste the same. Just speak to your son about your concerns and leave it at that. I drank tea while holding my baby, but always at the side.

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