Explaining dead relatives to kids

[sken92]

Not an immediate concern as DD is just turning 2, but starting to get to the stage of asking what/who’s that a lot so this question has been in my head!

my sister died last year and I’m trying to prepare for the inevitable explanation when DD asks who and where she is from pictures etc. At the moment she does ask and we say that’s Aunty L and she happily accepts, but just wondering how others have explained to toddlers about relatives who have died before they have any memory of them?

I can’t do down the ‘when people get old and have a lived a long time they die’ as we have with older relatives and other kids, as she wasn’t - she was in her 30s. I also can’t really go down the ‘gone to heaven route’ as we were told not to do this with my niece but to be honest and explain that mum’s died and she won’t see her again (thankfully I didn’t need to have that conversation!), however slightly different as my niece obviously knew her mum and there was a period of illness beforehand so she adjusted to the idea (as much as a 5 year old can).

Strange question I know but I guess I’m unsure how to broach it when it does come up as obviously I want DD to know she had another aunty and who she was while also explaining why she’s not here?!

TIA

I'm so sorry for your loss and the fact you're facing this.
When my 4yo asks about people in pictures who have passed we are honest and say they have died and are forever resting. On the whole it's been ok but it's tricky. DS has asked things like "will daddy die" and similar so just be aware that might come.
Ds's cousins dad was killed last year and cousin doesn't yet know (dad was absent in life beforehand) and one of the most difficult things is my D's asking why his.couson doesn't have a dad and my.parenting style being to approach it honestly but I can't because Ds will say it to cousin which is less than ideal.
I really think kids are capable of understanding more than we give them credit for if it's.told.in an age appropriate way.
All the best op x

Introduce the concept of death through story books, there are loads out there, and through insects and animals. I would try to avoid your DDs first information about death being connected with your sister. As much as possible, talk about the two things, death and Auntie separately. Be smiley and positive when you talk about Auntie to avoid knowledge of her being immediately associated with sadness. You will probably find yourself automatically being more serious when you talk about how a spider will die if you stand on it or a dog would die if it was fed the wrong thing or whatever. Of course you can tell your dd as she gets older that you were very sad when Auntie died and sometimes you are sad when you miss her but also tell her how much all the family looked after each other when you were sad and that you’re still happy you got to have her for a while.

I don’t think you have to completely avoid talk of ‘going to heaven’ if you feel like it will help your dd understand or bring her comfort. You can frame it as ‘some people believe but we don’t really know’ and stress that people can never come back from heaven. They will all come across the concept of heaven when they get to school anyway just through other children talking about it.

We found the Disney Film 'Soul' keep helpful in explaining death to our son.

My dh's parents died shortly before I met him. We have two kids aged almost 4, and 5.5, who obviously wonder why they don't have any grandparents from daddy's family.

We've told them a simple version of the truth, that daddy's parents both got very sick, and went to hospital, and that doctors did their best to help them. Sadly the doctors weren't able to help enough, and they both died. And that we're sad about that, and we miss them a lot, but we remember what lovely people they were, and we (dh and his sister) have happy memories of them.

There's a balance to be found, because I don't want them thinking that being sick, or going to hospital automatically means death. Whenever they ask questions we talk to them as much as they need to about it. And I remind them of the times they have been sick or been to hospital and come home just fine, to make sure they don't associate sickness and hospital with death every time.

Incidentally my mum's dog died a few months ago, which was another one we had to discuss with them, and the conversation went a similar way. The dog got sick and went to the animal hospital and the vets couldn't make him better and he died.

So far they have taken this on board and didn't seem unduly distressed about it, just very curious. I think being open and answering questions as honestly as possible is the key. It's really tough though, especially when you're mourning the loss of that person yourself. I'm really sorry for the loss of your sister.

Before my DDs were born I had a DS who died in infancy. We talk about him as their big brother in the sky who lives with Granny and Grandpa (DH parents also deceased). We say how much we loved them and how they now look out for us on earth and how lucky we are to have them watch us from the sky.

Absolutely this. My husband's parents both died before we had DC and this is the route we went down. DD1, now 4.5, has always been curious and interested and empathetic but not distressed. My own mum died a couple of months ago and DD1 mentions it a lot but more in a matter of fact way, which is her way of making sense of it. I think as long as you are honest and don't try to use analogies or make it overly difficult, most kids will just accept it when they are young and carry on with their life happily.

Our cat died a couple of years ago, which was quite a good opportunity to approach death as a concept.

I've explained to my DC 3 & 5 that peoples batteries get used up - like a phone - by age and illness.

When their battery runs out the go to sleep forever. Their soul/spirit live in through their loved ones.

They seem to grasp this

My mum died before we had dc1. She knows who she is and that she is dead. I did some googling about what to tell her and a lot of the advice was to be quite factual about it. No talk of "going to sleep" or anything. We also got some books from the library and one of them had quite a nice bit in it about how people need to die to make room for all the new babies. It wasn't as blunt as that and it was quite nice really.

My gran passed away when dd was 3 as well, so she understood a bit more then.

I'm really sorry about your sister.

My grandad passed away a couple of years ago and I told my kids the truth that he was very old and had sadly passed away after a very long and very happy life. And the memories we have with him will always be in our hearts and in our heads. We wish him a Merry Christmas and say Happy Birthday to the brightest star in the sky every year.

To the pp who mentioned the Disney film Soul, what a beautiful film! Sadly my two didn't like it and never want to watch it!

Thanks so much everyone that’s really helpful! I think I’m building it up in my head more than I need to, as you say kids tend to accept these things easier when they’re young!

You aren’t being honest. They aren’t forever resting. That’s confusing. Bereavement charities are clear about this, forever resting, forever sleeping, all those expressions are a no.

They are dead. Dead is when we are gone. Our brain doesn’t work. Heart has stopped. There is nothing.

This is a no.

This is an excellent resource for children.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/cbeebies/grownups/our-family-talking-about-death-with-your-little-one

This has some really excellent ways to talk about death, including age approach examples. I used the funeral one almost word for word when explaining my mum's funeral to my 4yo.

www.childbereavementuk.org/

The book The Invisible String is really good too. We got a few recommended ones but that's the one that resonated most with DD1 because she loves the idea that we have an invisible string between us all! I think it has one mention of someone being in heaven, which I just changed when reading to suit our beliefs.

And I agree to avoid analogies around sleep. It's confusing and can make children anxious about sleeping themselves if they think they might just never wake up. Children are very resilient if we just give them the correct tools.

My childrens grandfather died a couple of years ago, they accepted it quite well but my DD still gets upset about it (naturally). They both believe that their grandfather is part of the stars.
This is not what I've told them but from being 4 and 5 they both told me that they could see me (as they were stars in the sky) and chose me as their mummy so they believe that he's a star (again).

Bereavement charities don't stop nor advise against faith.

I don't agree that there is nothing, and nor does the majority of the worlds population. We talk about heaven and believe their soul lives on. This is not confusing.

OP, I have found the fact the loss has always been there a little easier when talking to small children, some good advice uptrend. She will at some point likely become a little obsessed with death. This is a normal development pathway regardless of her knowing the sad news about your sister.

Sorry to hear of the loss of your sister . In the nicest possible way, you're overthinking this a bit. Kids are really quite self-centred so if presented in a sensible, calm way they are unlikely to be upset by the death of a relative they never met (which in itself is really sad for the adults around them who did know and love the person of course).

To illustrate this my uncle, adored only son of my grandparents and my mum's beloved brother died in an accident as a young adult some years before I was born, this was always presented to me and my brother from a very young age as just something that had happened a long time ago. It took me an embarrassingly long time (until I was an adult myself really) to even remotely realise that this must have been a truly terrible, tragic thing to have happened to my grandparents and mother and of course they had been, still were to the day they died really, deeply grieving and devastated about it. Only then did I start asking any real questions about him and what had happened . Until then it honestly hadn't occurred to me to even think about it, they'd been so calm and matter of fact whenever they mentioned him. I suppose perhaps I must have asked at some point what death/dieing meant but I don't remember doing so and certainly didn't get upset or frightened about it.

Now I'm not saying that was an emotionally healthy way to have dealt with it on my family's part or that you need to hide your emotions (they were of a different generation where stiff upper lip very much the order of the day), just showing that children on the whole will take things at face value/as they're presented to them and so really I would just tell her in simple factual terms that auntie X died when she was a baby and that it's really sad. If she asks why she died you can say she had cancer/a sick heart/an accident or whatever (she's unlikely to find these things frightening at her age), and if she asks what dieing is, something along the lines of it means they aren't here anymore and we can't see or talk to them. But don't be surprised if she's totally blase or uninterested, it doesn't mean she doesn't care

I’m a Christian, so I don’t have this problem. My DDs were aware of death from the start, as DH died when they were a baby and a toddler respectively.
My children were raised with the knowledge that death is not the end, that Jesus came back from the dead to prove it for all time, and that He promised He would prepare a place for us in heaven.
I am always surprised that people reject the eye witness accounts of the resurrection, and 2 billion Christians’ personal experience of the presence of God, preferring to frighten and distress their children with atheist beliefs that they will suffer total oblivion after death. I couldn’t be that nasty to mine!

It's fine to talk to children about heaven, or being in the stars or the clouds or whatever your belief is. The part that's advised against is any euphemisms or analogies about sleep or resting. This is because it's confusing for children, as far as they know sleep or rest is something you wake up from, they don't really understand the concept 'forever' and telling them that someone can go to sleep and never wake up can make them afraid to sleep themselves (or worried that if mum/dad/siblings/pets sleep they won't wake up again). That's why, blunt as it seems, it's best to use the factual terms dead/die with children rather than passed away or gone away or went to sleep. But like I say, how you answer the inevitable question of what happens to someone after they die is a matter of personal belief. I always told my kids that I didn't know the answer to that, that we know we can't see or speak to that person any more but that some people believe there is a heaven and some don't, and they can choose for themselves. They seemed to prefer the Lion King explanation of 'our bodies become the grass and the antelope eat the grass and the circle of life continues' but maybe they just liked the song!

Sorry but who are you to say what parents should and shouldn't do or say in this situation? 'This is a no', honestly. Presumably you wouldn't want your parenting commented on like that

Each to their own. I think it would be nasty to lie to my children about something I absolutely do not believe exists or happens in order to make my life easier.

Given OP didn't mention religion or wanting to know about religion at all, maybe take your preaching somewhere else.

Just out of interest, is it following Christian values to accuse other people of being 'nasty' to their children because they do something differently to you? Or can you just pick and choose?

@maxelly but the post wasn't just about euphemisms it finished with

They are dead. Dead is when we are gone. Our brain doesn’t work. Heart has stopped. There is nothing.

I'm with @Babdoc on this one. No one actually knows what happens after death, even without faith the heaven/or stars idea above is a comfort.

something I absolutely do not believe exists

Still belief, not facts.

And yes the cycle of life is a good one. When we were explaining my mum's funeral, we said that her body would go back into the earth and it would help plants and trees and flowers to grow, which DD1 seemed to find very appealing and she will bring it up from time to time when we see a particularly lovely flower!