Explaining dead relatives to kids

[sken92]

Not an immediate concern as DD is just turning 2, but starting to get to the stage of asking what/who’s that a lot so this question has been in my head!

my sister died last year and I’m trying to prepare for the inevitable explanation when DD asks who and where she is from pictures etc. At the moment she does ask and we say that’s Aunty L and she happily accepts, but just wondering how others have explained to toddlers about relatives who have died before they have any memory of them?

I can’t do down the ‘when people get old and have a lived a long time they die’ as we have with older relatives and other kids, as she wasn’t - she was in her 30s. I also can’t really go down the ‘gone to heaven route’ as we were told not to do this with my niece but to be honest and explain that mum’s died and she won’t see her again (thankfully I didn’t need to have that conversation!), however slightly different as my niece obviously knew her mum and there was a period of illness beforehand so she adjusted to the idea (as much as a 5 year old can).

Strange question I know but I guess I’m unsure how to broach it when it does come up as obviously I want DD to know she had another aunty and who she was while also explaining why she’s not here?!

TIA

Never tell a child they’re sleeping, or resting or anything like that.

Be super honest with them in an age appropriate way. My beloved grandad died before Dd was born and I have lots of photos of him. I talk to Dd about him and explained that he died and that when someone dies their body stops working and we bury them. We can’t talk to them or see them anymore but we can still love them, and we can talk about them anytime we want.

Obviously this opens up a conversation about what if you die, or your child does but again with small kids you can explain that death happens to everyone and while it is sad it’s not scary.

I found with Dd she brings it up every now and again, and we talk about it and then she’ll forget about it again quite quickly. M

Kids books that deal with death are a really good resource.

Sorry about your sister, hope you’re ok.

Exactly. It's both just beliefs, yet one is apparently 'nasty' and one is not. But hardly surprising that someone yet again is using religion to justify being unpleasant or judging others. A tale as old as time, isn't it?

They very clearly advise against language like “resting forever”. Leading charity advice here.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died

My father died before the grandchildren were born but we always talked about him. I explained that he is in my heart and in my head and that a lot of how I behave and the things I like are down to him. I often tell stories about him and I sometimes think that the youngest - aged 11 - actually thinks she knew him. The picture book The Paper Dolls is quite a good introduction to remembering people. We’ve always talked about death openly when the subject came up and the three grandchildren coped magnificently at the recent funeral of my mother who, of course, they knew very well.

Leading child charity advice here.

https://www.childbereavementuk.org/telling-a-child-that-someone-has-died

It answers all your questions. The relative is not sleeping. They’re dead.

Only if you view end of life as something nasty and awful. I don’t. I do think lying to your kids is pretty gross though.

It really takes a 'special' kind of person to come onto a thread about child bereavement, where people have shared intimate and personal details about their own way of telling their children about deaths of loved ones, and turn it into some sort of religious platform and suggest that some of those people are 'nasty'. Absolutely incredible.

Nailed! Special is one word for it.

@JenWillsiam and why is it a NO?

Who made you and authority on what is best. Mind your business. Your overzealous opinions are a NO from me

We’ve had these chats. So much depends on whether you have any religious beliefs.

However all the guidance agrees you should not use phrases like “gone to sleep” or “forever resting” etc as you may end up with a child terrified to sleep.

Also although your sister was young, do be clear that most people die when very old. When DD first discovered death she was scared I’d die soon and she’d be all alone.

Children’s worries about death are usually somewhat selfish: “who would look after me?!” Explain to your child that when the time comes she will inherit everything and if you’re really unlucky and die early, then XYZ relative will look after her. I showed her a copy of our wills and she began to feel excited about being “the heir”.

For us, I explained that you have a soul which is made of thoughts and feelings, and a body which it lives in. One day when the body is used up or very damaged in some way, the soul leaves it. No one knows what happens after that, some people believe that the soul is born again in a new body, some believe the soul goes to a lovely place called heaven to play with the other dead souls, and some believe that the soul basically evaporates and is ended, like a piece of music no longer exists once the instruments stop playing. But the truth is no one on earth can possibly know and everyone finds out one day so no point worrying about it all. After much discussion DD decided to reincarnate as a butterfly or possibly a kitten.

I think you might be stressing about this as you are clearly affected by your sister’s death. I can’t imagine how upsetting it would be to lose a sibling 💐
But, please don’t expect your DD to be particularly emotional about her. She didn’t know your sister so might treat it all very matter of factly, when you might unconciously be expecting she will be more upset or interested than she is.

I think it is fine to talk about heaven if that is what you believe. I am Christian so we do mention heaven but not in a this is 100% what happens way. I just say what I believe and why. I also am careful to make the clear distinction between the dead person's body being dead and just their soul / spirit going to heaven. I didn't want my dcs to misunderstand and think my mum had just popped up to heaven for a visit as that isn't right.

I have posted two links. A brilliant one for children and the leading advice from the child bereavement charity. The advice is very clear about the fact that you should not use language like sleeping etc. and also explains why. This isn’t my opinion it’s well evidence advice from experts in this area.

I’ve shared links elsewhere. You’re free to read those. And no, if I was telling my children dead is sleeping forever I wouldn’t want people to leave that unchecked.

@JenWillsiam congratulations on being able to post links. Well done 👏 you seem super proud if that, as you mentioned it twice now.

As you say it's advice/guidance. Life isn't a one size fits all. I know what works best for my family.

"Just no" bloody condescending keyboard warrior

Sorry haven't RTFT, but we've had this.

DD1 is 5, my dad died when she was nearly 3 (but he'd been very ill for months before that and lived at a distance plus lockdown restrictions so wasn't a constant presence). We told her he got very very sick, the doctors tried everything they could to make him better but they couldn't. He died, so we can't see him and he can't see us. It's very sad, but we have lovely memories of him and that's why we have photos up etc.

She has asked lots of questions about him over the years, and about death and what happens after, including what happens to the body. Which lead to the brilliant question "No mum, I know about his body but what about his head?" so you do need a bit of a tough skin.

I grew up best friends with a cousin who died in her early 20s. Again, there are photos up but she's never paid much attention to those. She loves stories of us growing up atm and so cousin features heavily. She did one night ask where cousin is, so I explained that she had died. She was surprised because cousin was young, I just said it was very unusual but it can happen when people are young. She was actually very sweet and said how sad it was and asked if I miss her (which I answered truthfully - very much).

It's very personal but I think it's important to answer their questions honestly and simply.

That’s a tad weird imo, people don’t have batteries! I think this is over complicating matters. People get very old their bodies don’t work very well any more , people get very sick and even though they take very strong medicine it doesn’t make them better. Simple factual explanations repeated consistently when they ask are what lead children into understanding that they can grasp and accept at their own level.

This can be a really difficult topic, and we'll all have our own views. I don't think it's particularly helpful to be as rudely critical as some posts here.

DD is very interested in dead people and dying – be prepared that it’s not a one and done question, it’ll come up repeatedly and randomly. My mother and my FIL both died before she was born and she asks about them a lot.

We’re very factual: my mummy’s body didn’t work any more because she had poorly bones, so she died. Where did her body go? Well, some people are buried and some people are cremated, which means their body goes back to nothing and doesn’t exist any more. Can we dig her up? No, it’s really sad but we can’t see her at all any more. Will you die too? Yes, one day. (Only once has she cried at this news ) But why did her bones get poorly? It just happens to some people. Does everyone get poorly bones? Not everyone.

She’s always satisfied with straightforward factual answers. We were reading Paper Dolls recently where the ripped up paper dolls fly into the little girl’s memory and there they join more and more lovely things each day and each year, including a kind grandma. DD figured out “oh, so she’s in the memory because she died, and that’s where you go”.

I disagree. Find me a link or any source from anywhere that says telling children their dead relative is asleep is a positive thing and I’m all ears. Otherwise you’re wasting both our time.

My grandma’s sister died young years before I was born, I can’t remember how anyone explained death but I’ve always felt I knew my aunty somehow because of the way my grandma used to talk about her. It wasn’t morbid or sad at all, just talking about things she’d done (there was quite a lot to say to be fair!), there were a couple of photos of her in little frames, and she had hundreds of books about all kinds of things and whenever we read them there’d be her name written on the inside cover (does anyone still do that?).

@NoraLuka Off-topic but my parents always did the name and date in their books and I love finding them and picturing my mother in 1967 choosing this particular volume of poetry, or my dad deciding in 1983 that he wanted to read this novel. I did it for a time but couldn’t make the habit stick!

I think we just mentioned someone passing away and not coming back I don't remember our child when young not understanding and asking further questions

Then normal comments are made about people whether alive or not really in a natural way from memory

We lost a family member last October when my youngest was 16 months and my eldest 6 years old.
I told her grandad was very sick and they couldn't make him better this time and he has died and that he isn't hurting and he is gone but we will remember him forever.
She has asked " but he wasn't old " he was 66 and I said unfortunately some people die younger than other people but a lot of people live until they are much older. She seems to accept this .
My youngest obviously doesn't remember him but I will tell her the same when she asks about him one day .
I don't want them to worry about death but it is a part of life

She has never asked why he was very sick and what it is was yet.
But when she does I will tell her in simple terms that he had a illness called cancer and sometimes we can't make them better and if she asks why I'll tell her because we don't have the medicines to make everyone better that work for cancer