Explaining dead relatives to kids

[sken92]

Not an immediate concern as DD is just turning 2, but starting to get to the stage of asking what/who’s that a lot so this question has been in my head!

my sister died last year and I’m trying to prepare for the inevitable explanation when DD asks who and where she is from pictures etc. At the moment she does ask and we say that’s Aunty L and she happily accepts, but just wondering how others have explained to toddlers about relatives who have died before they have any memory of them?

I can’t do down the ‘when people get old and have a lived a long time they die’ as we have with older relatives and other kids, as she wasn’t - she was in her 30s. I also can’t really go down the ‘gone to heaven route’ as we were told not to do this with my niece but to be honest and explain that mum’s died and she won’t see her again (thankfully I didn’t need to have that conversation!), however slightly different as my niece obviously knew her mum and there was a period of illness beforehand so she adjusted to the idea (as much as a 5 year old can).

Strange question I know but I guess I’m unsure how to broach it when it does come up as obviously I want DD to know she had another aunty and who she was while also explaining why she’s not here?!

TIA

@JenWillsiam you're free to disagree with my approach. It doesn't make any real difference to me does it?

If I choose not to follow "advice" that is my prerogative.

I honestly can't imagine being this invested in what a stranger in the internet does.

The Op asked for advice. Which I’ve given.

My level of investment into what you or others do was pretty evident in my comments that you called out. The links were for the benefit of the OP. Not you. If you want to ignore expert advice that’s on you.

If your comments for are the OP then you didn't need to quote my comment.

Just another internet busybody insistent on people living the sam way they do.

Here's a link for you

socialself.com/blog/stop-being-condescending/#:~:text=To%20avoid%20sounding%20condescending%20or,that%20you%20enjoyed%20the%20game.

Enjoy!

Well I did in that instance because your quote was the one advocating for telling a child that dead people are sleeping.

You really didn't. Stop policing strangers and worry about your own life.

The links you posted are actually interesting and informative.

Your shitty delivery and condescending attitude are the problem.

You're way overthinking it for a 2 year old.

I’m not policing strangers. The OP asked for advice. I gave it. And clarified that your position was not appropriate. You don’t like my delivery, ok. I don’t like what you’re doing.

My position is appropriate if I deem it so, my children are just that, mine.

You gave your opinion and then went on to criticise any approach that differs that.

People are entitled to do what they find appropriate.

The OP is an adult and entitled to choose her own approach. She can pick and choose from the responses.

Shock horror she may not pick mine, or yours. Is your mind actually able to absorb the fact that people have free will.

My FIL died when DS1 was 2. We explained to him that he had gone and that it happens to everyone at some point but that Grandad lives on in our hearts and our memories and that he loved DS1 very much and would also have loved DS2.

Be prepared for some bluntness they don't mean it but are very matter of fact and can keep repeating sentences not knowing it upsets people. DS1 will often say even 2 years on where's your daddy, your daddy is dead etc. We try not to react but explain its nicer and kinder to ask about Grandad or a thing that Grandad liked doing if he wants to know about Grandad.

There are some good child bereavement books which can help too

If you choose to ignore expert advice, as said, that’s on you. That’s your choice. I didn’t bother engaging with you initially because I don’t really care what you do. I just wanted the OP to know that it’s not the right way to do things. You can say it is but you would be wrong.

We are matter of fact about it with DS4. Just say that they have died but they’re still with us in our hearts.

I had a brother that died as a baby and DS was poorly and almost died when he was born so he sort of grasps that people don’t have to be old when they die and it has upset him once or twice, we usually say that most people live long and full lives but sometimes people get poorly or have accidents.

I mean it’s heavy stuff but I think far better to be honest early on as he will have to go through it at some point with grandparents etc.

I will add that he has asked what happens when you die and we usually say that people have lots of different thoughts on what happens - such as energy stays, go to heaven etc - but that no one really knows.

We believe once you die you’re gone but he can make his own decision on that when he’s older.

My son lost 3 grandparents in 18 months ( and a family dog but obviously different levels)

He was 3.5-5 when this all happened and honestly it was heartbreaking my parents were 2 of the ones he lost and he saw them both every other day if not every day, constant photos and lovely calls etc with gifts and treat so That disappearing out his live in 8 months was traumatic for him and earth shattering for me.

He knew they were both in hospital and I just went with sometimes when older people get poorly and tired they go to heaven... he couldn't grasp heaven so we said space / stars and look after us from up there etc. he has been very sad several times since saying he wants to go and also then develop a fear of hospital as he associates them with not coming back.. ( my fault but I just couldn't think how else to explain this)
He's much better now a couple of years on ans we talk about nice memories and photos and he'll happily ask questions about space etc

Sorry to ramble but that's just my experience, there is no right way and it's a bloody minefield

@JenWillsiam at what point did you chose not to engage with me? Was l that when you made a point of commenting specifically on my post by quoting me?

Or every response since?

And you JUST NEED OP to know your way of doing things is correct. Speaks volumes 😂 what a sad case 🤣

At no point in any of my posts have I said what I've chose to do is right. Just that's it's what I've chosen. You're the one who has bleated on and on about it.

Please let me know if I can be any clearer in letting you know I couldn't give a flying F about what you thinks is best.

You're so overly invested in being right it's embarrassing

I actually don’t think it is a minefield from a child’s perspective: they’re quite adaptable, and literal yet also imaginative, receptive to new ideas and information, and no concept of time/forever.

To adults dead = gone forever, that’s quite a fucking blow. To a child, it’s not yet graspable – my daughter has been in her new bedroom two weeks but this morning quite crossly told me, no, it’s been a really long time, since I was zero. (We didn’t live here when she was zero.) “Ten minutes left in the playground” but actually we leave after two; “ice cream takes so loooong” when we’ve been in the queue for 30 seconds. So she’ll accept that my mother/her grandmother is gone forever but it’s not the “oh, shit, we’re talking about DEATH” yikes moment that I think it is. She doesn’t have that life experience, awareness or cultural understanding. And the next minute she’ll move on to equally pressing questions such as “do farmers have heads?”, “do octopuses have birthdays?”, “where was I before I was born?” and “when do I get to be a baby again?” It’s all information to process.

Which is why (and this is to OP) I think metaphors are a bad idea: a human’s batteries ran out? OK so why not replace them like with my annoying noisy toy. Gone to sleep forever? OK am I going to die tonight when I go to bed? Are you? Resting forever? Get up, my teddy wants to play. Literal and imaginative.

You are aware that you’re repeatedly attacking my character and insulting me right? Not the other way round. All I said was that you’re approach was wrong.

We say 'their body stopped working' as the second explanation after they died. Haven't yet been asked about afterlife by my 3 Yr old. Have told 8 Yr old, nobody can say for sure, so to find an idea that makes them happy.

I think attempting to downplay death to avoid children being scared is pointless and counter productive. We have had to talk about this as my mother died shortly before DC2 was born while DC1 was a toddler. It wasn't easy. And yes, we have had to face periods (at different times) where the children got obsessed and worried about dying or us dying or whatever. In every case we simply reiterated that in Granny's case, she was old and sick and that yes, sometimes people die but mostly we should hopefully all live long lives. It hasn't always been easy but both of them came out the other side with a far better understanding of the realities which is useful because quite honestly, all their remaining grandparents are old and are unlikely to be around for a lot longer, we have pets who are old and on their way out too etc.

I know a woman who complained to her faith-based school because they talked to the children about death after one of their classmates' mother died of cancer. I think she was absolutely bonkers.

@JenWillsiam why do you think I need you to tell me I'm wrong?

Have you considered that I may think your approach is wrong? Even though it's what is recommended.

Can you not accept that people choose to do things differently and leave it at that?

Why do you have to continually press the point that your way is the right way? What does it matter to you how other people live?!

I accept that my approach doesn't follow the guidance and have never claimed to be right or some type of authority.

Simply giving my thoughts that people can take or leave. I don't need to be corrected by you because I'm not the one looking for advice.

Only I haven’t. I’ve responded to multiple comments stating the exact same thing. I’ve not expanded or extended my point. I haven’t insulted you. I’ve made a simple point that you don’t like.

My DH's family have all passed and our DDs didn't know any of them. We have photos in the house and talk about them, I tell them how much their other grandma would have loved them, and how their daddy also had a brother but he's no longer with us etc.

I think I’m building it up in my head more than I need to, as you say kids tend to accept these things easier when they’re young!

Yes, you are. Children are very matter of fact. Even more so when you are talking about someone they have no memory of.
My dc have grown up all knowing who their dead Aunty was, through seeing her in photos, and hearing about her when other folk remember her. It is all very matter of fact. She died. So she isn't here any more. Yes, she was my sister like you 2 are sisters. etc etc

@JenWillsiam but you have. Repeatedly.

I've said in multiple posts that's I'm not saying my way is correct. Just that it's my way of approaching the subject.

Yet you seem to be unable to comprehend that.

You’ve posted the following

“ I just wanted the OP to know that it’s not the right way to do things. You can say it is but you would be wrong” -

please show me where I’ve said my way is correct.

The OP asked for advice. I gave it. And clarified that your position was not appropriate. You don’t like my delivery, ok. I don’t like what you’re doing.

How is what I do your concern? And who are you to judge what’s appropriate for my family?

My brother died last year from cancer. My daughter (5) went to his funeral and we got her a book, and planted a tree and plaque in our garden. She has visited his grave and I've told her it's where his memory is (ashes are too complicated to explain right now!)

We talk about him a lot as his son is her age too. She asked why he died as he wasn't old and I said he got sick and the doctors tried hard to help him but couldn't. But that it's not very common at his age.

We say that his memory is everywhere looking over us and he's always looking out for her.

It is hard and sometimes I have to think before I answer her! My son is only 2 so I guess I'll explain it to him when he's older but it won't mean much to him as he didn't know him sadly.

So you’re doing something you think is wrong? That would be weird.